NEW DAWN , NEW DAY , FEELING GOOD !

Hi, hope all is well x

Just popping by to say Hi 🙂

Hope life is going well.

Mari x

And you didn't even say goodbye?

Hi Alan - good luck with the new hip!

Love your posts - honest , down to earth, heart-warming and encouraging.

Keep up the good work for You, your family, extended family. On top of everything else you are steadfast and strong, keeping your gambling experience firmly in the past.

Afternoon bud or it might be morning or evening by the time you log in.

I know I don't need to thank you but thanks for being there. I'm pleased to see your doing well hope the hip hop happens soon and that good lady of yours is keeping well. If the little guys are still lucky enough to be with you hope they are running you ragged. Take care and don't be a stranger I've set some tissues to Deano I've got me eye on him.

KTF

Ps if you see this sign up to 2017 challenge just this week I need to get more than Deano the little s**t keeps beating me.

Dear Diary ! .

517 day's Gamble free today and although I no longer struggle with feelings of wanting to Gamble anymore , I am struggling with continuing to update my diary or have any sort of input on it ! , selfish ? , or has life changed that much for the better that I no longer feel the need ? , I honestly don't know .

I made the decision to stay off the forum a few weeks which was initially quite difficult to do but apart from popping on to send my well wishes to my oldest and dearest on here as they reached a milestone I've stuck to my guns which I was pleased about as I'd almost swapped the addiction of gambling for the addiction of the forum if that makes sense ?.

If I'm honest with myself it hurts to be here sometimes , the pain that comes through on some peoples posts takes me right back to somewhere I have great empathy for but no longer a place I wish or need to be , this together with the fact I've struggled with difficult feelings regarding our 3 fosterkids and the whole, cold /clinical approach that the courts and social services seem to have towards them since putting 2 of the 3 brothers up for adoption have not helped either , my partner had asked if the eldest who will remain in long term fostercare could stay with us as he's settled down nicely but they seem to think it's something that won't be possible unless my partner changes foster agencies and even then there would be no guaruantee of him remaining with us , which seems a little crazy to be honest but Hey ! what do I know eh ? . Again the 2 younger brothers are up for adoption but times running out for them to go as a pair and as the day's roll on it's looking as if they'll also go their seperate ways ( Sorry but life's so effing s***e sometimes ) and there's me whinging because poor old me Chose ( yes Chose to throw my money away down the throat of some f******g machine ) Poor me Eh and kinda sums it up really doesn't it !.

Since being here I've alway's maintained a positive outlook , which despite the last paragraph and all the s***e life occasionally throws my way still exists , Lifes not perfect and I'm assuming it never will be but if life is on a scale of one to ten , then to quote a phrase of Dan's I'll be happy " Striving for a Five " :)) , I've posted many times of feeling a little fraudelent being here, as I could probably count on one hand the urges I've had to gamble in the last 16 months but that being said at the end of January facing a 6 grand tax bill my old gambling mind did wander for a split second whispering sweet nothing's in my ear as a way of solving the forthcoming payment , it was as it always is these day's , kicked into touch without so much as a glance towards a bookies or a Fob't machine .

There's so many reason's or excuses I should probably say why we all end up here , we arrive very messed up and looking for a way out of our self inflicted mess , for me it was pure escapism of everyday mundane life , a chance to switch off and cosy up with a mistress that required no maintenance other than her constant hunger for my hard earned cash and who fitted in perfectly with any spare time I had at a moments notice , always there to sooth my daily troubles and always promising that if I kept her fed then tommorow would be better and however badly she treated me I always believed her and willingly went back for more , such was the power and hold she had over me , I was taken to a place where I teetered on the edge of a cliff where one more step in the same direction would have meant there was no way back and no more chances yet despite this I still struggled in the early stages to let her go ( How crazy is that ?) .

The one decision to come here changed all that , this place picked me up and gave me hope that there was away out and a different road to take but only if I wanted of course , either I kept clinging to the hope of a different outcome doing the same thing day in, day out , or I gave in and admitted that I could never win ! , that gambling had and alway's would take everything from me as long as I allowed it to .

A Eurika moment ? Maybe but as soon as I'd let go of the past and it's losses and waved it off into the distance , life began improving on an almost daily basis , I began dealing with issues as they arose instead of letting them fester and ignoring them , which allowed the muddled fog in my brain to lift and allowed me to see for the first time in many years what's important in life , My kid's , My relationshop with my partner , family and friends , it was as if all the bad stuff had been washed away and allowed the great stuff to grow again .

Apart from the support of my loving family to whom I'll always be eternally greatfull , this place and it's wide membership of slightly " Tilted " people have done me proud and seen me through , I've ranted and I've raved at certain individuals and had a real falling out with a few but I guess that's a bit of the cleansing process ? as an active Gambler I didn't want to lose so why would that trait not be following right behind me when I was trying to exorcise my demon's on here and come up against someone telling me the only way was theirs ? the truth is It's all helped , the things I knew already the thing's I was told and the things I really didn't want to hear from anyone have all helped me to understand how I tick and deliver me to the good place I'm in at this moment and of course I've had many laughs along the way with many who seem to have got my wierd sense of humour , I'm not going to start mentioning names but they all know who they are and I will always have a special place in my heart for them for the rest of my life ( hang on while I wipe the teardrops from my keyboard will ya ! ) :((.

The only way I can describe not wanting to be here any longer is that " I don't feel Raw enough anymore " I guess I'm healing quicker these day's , natures doing it's job and has washed my wound's allowing me to be at peace with myself and those around me and I'm begining to feel as though all the past gambling nightmares that have haunted me are becoming distant memories ( but that's a good thing right ?) , I don't know ! anyway dear diary I've rambled nonsense for long enough this evening and it's time to close the page , I've thought about what to do with you , delete ? suspend ? , I made the mistake of deleting my original diary on here in a moment where I didn't want to look back at all the bad stuff , so for now you can stay safely gathering dust for a while .

As for me now I've got a to do list to follow through with over the coming months , New hips hopefully coming my way anytime soon , we'll continue with the fostering and all it's ups and down's , and I really need to propose to that wondefull woman in my life , I came close the other night but bottled it in the end so I need to have a rummage around in my boxers and find a pair , for when opportunity knocks again , then there's my first grandchild due in July courtesy of my Darling daughter and my Son's Graduation to look forward to in the summer , so the books looking full for a while but would not have mattered in the slightest had I stull been in the grip of addiction , so you see what can come from making one tiny decision to " Stop Gambling " .

I will talk with you again diary but just not yet !! :))

Love and best wishes to all those that come here and seek recovery , you can do it you just have to want to :))

My Name is Alan and I'm a recovering compulsive Gambler ( No bet for 517 day's ) xxx

.

Amazing post! You were one of the first people to post to me on here and I'm forever grateful to you.

It's wonderful that you don't feel a need to come here any longer, you are living your life.... go you 🙂

Thank you

Mari x

Hey mr fish..
Totally get what your saying...
Recovery is essentially about you and yours....so nothing selfish about it..
You've helped so many on here...including me...but like you said there's only so much advice and time any of us can give on here....the changes and decisions have to be made by the individual concerned....I think it's all natural progression that we back off as our own recovery progresses......after all...you don't continue to visit the hospital for an old illness on a daily basis ..do you. ...we all know the symptoms from our problem....and I know you'll always be on the ball...
Those boys.....tragic really...but I'm not surprised love..whole systems shot.....just take pride in the time and love you've given them....
We can't fix everything and everybody love....either here or in the outside world.....
Your living your life now....
Go and enjoy.......just remember to pop in now and again just to say hi.
X

Hello dear Alan!

Good to see you in such a great place within yourself and recovery ☺

All the best!

There's not much more I could say that loxxie already hasn't said
Tbh.
So just a thanks for the laughs
And all the best going forward.
As Martin always says the Gamcare circle of life

Peace out my old mucker x

Mari , Loxxie , Deano, Many thanks for your support and kind words it's been much appreciated over the past Months and as I said I'll always be eternally gratefull to everyone on here for getting me through a few hairy moments along the way , I'll probably have a catch up sometime in the summer so that the old diary doesn't go to dust :)).

Sandra :)) Thank you for thoughts :)) I'm sad that you felt that need to drag something back up that had really faded into insignificance . I feel you have a valid point regarding me leaving the forum but that is where the resemblance between Dragonfly and myself ends as I feel I have offered endless support for the majority of the last 16 months I've been here , there have been many periods while I have been active on here where only a handfull of us where posting support to newcomers on a daily basis and many long term Gamcare inhabitants basicly sat on thier @r**s and only bothered to post when they didn't agree with what someone else had said and then slithered back from whence they came , which in my opinion is not offering support ? .

When I come back here in the future , it will be to speak with and have an update with those I have walked with , hopefully full of positivity , not just waiting to have a pop at someone I don't agree with .

Gamcare is as you put it an " Ongoing Journey " and I feel with the arrival of people like Mixer and many others offering support within support which has been missing for so long , it's now ok that I can focus on my life in the 3D :)).

I've learnt some valuable life lessons while on here , which have allowed me to move on and get back to living again , unlike yourself I don't want to be here for 4 or 5 years learning to forgive myself for everything that's wrong with my life, after all you have to learn to like yourself before you can like and love others and learn to enjoy the world for it's natural beauty :)).

As with your last post I'm just voicing myself out , nothing personal and just an observation ! .

Take good care of yourself and I wish you well xx

Over and out :))

Uncle George...good to hear from you. I totally understand the not being here so much anymore (I feel the same way myself), but it's always good when an old friend pops in and has a little catch up. I like hearing about what's going on in people's lives, and although I never had any worries that you were back to feeding the vultures, it's good to hear that you're on the straight and narrow. It's a funny old place this isn't it? I think we'll forever be indebted to the ones who first reached out when we took the leap and posted on here that first time. For me it was Kelly and Suzanne who helped me through in those first early days. Like you, Suzanne posted like a woman possessed to everyone on here, but has since gone off to pastures new. Perhaps there's a level of burnout? Or, as you say, you just don't need to be here any more. As for Kelly...well, I just can't shake her off 😉

I'm glad you're keeping this diary though. Wise decision. An update and day count every so often is such a powerful thing for new members to see. A kind of " if that old codger can do it, so can I" for newbies to get motivated by.

So sorry to hear about the struggles with the foster kids. I could bang on about the totally inept system for ages, but I'll save you that rant. Just one little nag though....What are you waiting for with the proposal?? Are you scared she'll say no?! Or are you hanging on for the new hips so that you can get down on one knee (and hopefully back up again?).

I know you'll be pleased to know that I too am in a realy good spot right now. Life seems to have come together and gambling seems far behind me now...just a distant picture in my rear view mirror. Thanks for the cyber flowers along the way. Whether you and I go at the problem from the same direction or not, it doesn't really matter to me.You were one of a mixed bunch of people who I knew I could always rely on to be here for me. Whether I was up, down or fallen on my @r*e. Thanks for that....it has meant a lot. Not sure I agree with "tilted" though. f*****g cheek :):)

Anyway, enjoy life and all the riches it brings. Keep well Uncle George. LB xx

Certainly made a big impact on the forum Alan. I'd be surprised if anyone posted more on here than yourself last year.

The username ALAN 135 is one I consider synonymous with support.

And chips.

One of the first to give me support here which I'll always appreciate, really did help me believe I could make a positive contribution myself here.

Pleased to read life's treating you well.

Plenty going on and for you to look forward to, best wishes with it all.

Glint

Lovely to see you in such

a good place Pops but don't let pride affect your recovery. This isn't a broken leg we're getting over, treat it with the same respect you do your diabetes & if you need to come back sooner, well you'll be welcomed with open arms.

Hope the hip hop goes smoothly & whether or not they are together, a life with people who want them & can look after them is better than a home together with nothing but each other & danger for company.

Now what are you waiting for...You know you've gotta a good 'un there, it's surely time to put a ring on it!

ALAN - Sorry that I'm a bit late for your fairwell send-off. Congratulations on your massive accumulation of GF days. Love your #683 post reflecting on the relevance and meaning to this support group which you have played a massive part of. And ultimately, the crossroads that you have reached.

I echo your sentiment with regard to the genuine sincerity and compassion of forum members in lifting you to a better place, and helping you to overcome your CG.

But above all, it is your own helpful, down-to-earth advise that you've given, which will have touched the lives of many people from all walks of life. Along with your wonderful sence of humour and intelligent quips.

I can understand your reasoning for spending less time on this site, because, as you say it becomes a little bit addictive. But also when you have given so much, perhaps more than any other, it may leave you feeling as if you are neglecting other important things in your life.

I'd also like to express my respect and admiration for your dedication as foster parents - clearly a heartening experience.

Onwards and upwards.... Please log in from time to time.... It will be good to hear your dulcet tones. 🙂