New diary

Hey, thanks for your very kind words. You are very kind.

Had tonight to sleep on it so thought I will try and put some thoughts down here. May give me clearer vision.

I always had demons to fight since my teens.

Could go along time, happy, confident and enjoying life. At times the demons return but usually as mild OCD or depression.

For the last 11 years I have been self employed as a technical sales rep. Built up a very decent business despite lack of support. They messed my money around a few years back but in the end, thought what the heck. It is still a decent living.

Credit chrunch, oh dear, business drying up, customers closing or liquidating, a depressing time.

Anyway. A year ago certain things transpired. The worry of work, family breakdown and to top it all I feel victim to a scam. The scam is so big it has been on the TV and radio.

Well crushing depression came. With it came deep and severe anxiety . Then a very deep sadness, like something in my soul. Finally my OCD reached giant proportions. On taking a test anything above 12 was OCD, of course, jackpot time for me at 29.

Well obviously couldn`t drive around the country in that state. In fact most days I had been getting up in the afternoons. Struggling to keep the business alive via my mobile.

I hadn`t told work I was ill . I would get no sympathy there. Well they found out and from what I can gather contacted customers and found they hadn`t had a visit for me for a while.

About 3 weeks ago, the MD rang me. I was still in bed. He didn`t let on that he knew but asked me to do this very gruelling job which involved miles and miles of driving. Caught on the wrong foot, I said OK.

Week later he asked me how it went. Blow it tell the truth, so I told him I was off work with depression and anxiety .He asked me some dumb questions , some thing like, what do I aspire to ? What was the time frame of my illness. I was hardly going to say, all we be well the Monday after next at 2 o` clock.

I then knew it. The elbow was on its way.

Got back from the Doctors yesterday to find he had tried to call me. Not a great visit to the Docs as she wants me on anti pyschotic drugs.

I called him. In his typical, cold manner he said that he was firing me. No I hope you get better, no thanks for your hard work, just out on my ear.

I knew that call was coming and I had said to my wife I hope I wouldn`t break down in tears. Well quite the opposite. I hit the red missed and verbally laid into him. So angry I don`t recall what I said.

Anyway, letter on its way and he is supposed to call Friday .

So options. Well 62 years old in a tough market. Still very much unwell but there maybe a chance of recieving disability living allowance. At the moment just desisory sick pay.

Over £16k in the bank so no means tested allowance. Silly me for prudence. No mortgage, that is a big one.

Worse thing though is my wife is a care worker, badly paid, not in the greatest of health. She was going part time as she gets the first of her pensions next month but that is a no goer .

I dearly want to hang on to my savings as for people our age, you my have paid in 10`s of thousands but annuities are rubbish. The 2 highest concerns are, my wife working so hard, money and getting better.

We are hoping for the disability allowance as my wife, in my present state, would get carers allowance. I find it difficult to leave the house.

Thanks for reading.

Hi G,

Thanks for the post on my diary,means a lot,i know i probably went over the top with my analogy on that shooting but what the hell i dont even care anymore what people think of me and thats a sad situation to find one self in.

I fully understand your situation because my mum and dad are going through a similar experience,i hope by me telling you whats going on for them you might be able to get a handle on your current situation,well if i,m honest G me old mate you aint got a lot of choice your gonna have to deal with it.

You know it makes me laugh (very slightly) because gambling for me and you now just doesnt come into it does it???,where is the promised land that we were told would be ours if we stopped the compulsive gambling,years i spent at GA with decent people with good intentions but miles off the mark when it comes to the real outcome of not gambling,there is no promised land,just the presentation of an illusion of one???? if that makes sense.

Anyway back to my mum and dad,well its mainly my dad it centres around,he was diagnosed with Alzheimers at age 63,hes 67 ow and in the beginning we all after the initial upset sort of just got on with it,he was a big strong guy my old fella,used to do the same job as me and basically was (is) an all round top guy.

Him and my mum decided to sell up and move to Rhyl buying a static caravan for 38k,it was (and still is) a lot of money but with the house sale they would be ok (so we thought),well as my dad has deteriated its got a lot tougher for my mum and after 3 years she has decided to rent a new apartment specially built for people like my dad,she went through a load of rigmorole in qualifying for it but eventually was granted one (oh bless this government!!).

She was told she may be able to get some help with the rent as these places dont come cheap so she has gone through all the correct channels,welfare rights,social services etc etc,i have also had numerous conversations with her re-assuring her that things will work out,most of my family are leaning on me at the moment,younger brother going through nasty divorce,older brothers wife with cancer and i dont mind,why would i,time is certainly on my side at the moment.

Anyway i digress,my mum received phone call the other day to tell her no financial help was/is available as she has over 10k in savings (literally just over 10K),the rent is going to be £233 A WEEK!!!!!!!!!,now i know this is a good place with all that my dad needs and will need more of in the future but f*** me, thats some rent.

She of course is worried to death at being able to afford this and i have absolutely no chance of helping at all,i might not keep my own house if things dont improve,well what can you do,we,ve discussed options and to be honest there isnt one and she told me the other day on phone that one particular woman in these apartments (no disrespect to her) is paying £40 a week as she doesnt have any savings only debts,now how does that work G??????

Once again its another example of how doing the right thing in life doesnt mean s**t,your better off being a dole dossing debt accrueing jeremy kyle watching no-hoper because you get better treatment from the authoritys,decent people get promised everything,lied to and tossed aside and people wonder why we,re angry,gotta question their intelligance on that one.

So G you gotta do what you gotta do my friend,your gonna have to get involved in the system and play the game all over again but now from a different angle,you can do it mate,your also not blind to whats really going on,good luck with it all and dont let frustration get in the way because in truth frustration is a luxury you dont have anymore.

Oh and on a finishing note the site my mum is on in Rhyl is a well known big one,the owners are,well business people shall we say,let me tell you why i say that,she went to see them to tell them that she unfortunately would have to come off the site on medical reasons,she asked would they buy the static back from her,now bear in mind she paid £38k in 2007 for it and it is a lovely retirement type place,they said they wasnt really looking for any at the moment BUT if she was stuck with it,they would take it off her hands for............wait for it.................NOTHING!!!!!!!!!,i must comment too much on this,i will defo lose it but again another example of our country with all its caring helpful people.

I know youve got an uphill battle G and i hope i havent bored you with all my problems but i think what i,m trying to say is we,re not unique going through all this,i just hope both our families can find some better times and soon.

Regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

graham really sorry to hear of your troubles.

Go and seek advice from sitizens advice as your company has a duty of care by law to make sure that all their employees are ok,from a physical and emotional level.

If you have been diagnosed with these "illnesses" i do thsat as the law doesnt specify ocd as a disability (crazy i know-my sister has this) so if you did not phone in sick they did not contact or find out that you are ok.

most tribunal cases are lost not for the reason of the end of employment but the process that are required to follow by law.

seek advice as quickly as possible,and as easy life you need to play the game.

if you need any other advice get back asap

Thanks Lee. I am totally fed up with it all. A tleast our little house is paid for. However the few bob in the bank will stop anything else.

Pensions completley a mess, Remember endowment mortgages?

We are are contacting mind. My lovely wife is taking me there. If I can get Disability allowance that would be good. As self employed they have no reason to care. Yet the new customers I brought in, will be an ongoing source of income for them. Nothing for me.

I do , possibly have a good case, but my wife does not want me to go for it as she thinks it may worsen my mental health.

Oh well, need to check it out.

Hiya Graham,

I've been kicked when I've been down, it's oh so easy to be done because chances are the other party knows they'll get away with it.

Sometimes it's good/wise to let things go for the benefit of health (it's your wealth afterall) so I agree with your wife...but on the otherhand... checking things out to see if you have a definite case and then make decisions whether you want to pursue or not might be good?..as you both might feel different a few weeks from now? Keeping options open?

Delgirl xo

Again, thanks for your support. I rang MIND today and they were tip top. A guy spent ages with me sorting out any benefits we may be likely to get. So I have contacted the DWP and they are sending me out a pack.

Looks like you have to be on your toes when filling it in so the guy kindly said he would do it for me.

Thankfully we are not pressed for money at the moment and, although I feel odd claiming , I am starting to accept I am ill .That has been tough.

So trying not to worry about things. I don`t care if I can`t afford to go abroad or other expensive things I have enjoyed in the past. I was fortunate to be able to do stuff and I am trying to take a positive slant on my new situation.

Really glad I have you guys.

Hi my friend

Sorry for neglecting you for a while 🙂

Accepting being ill is the first step to getting better.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and I know you will do whatever you need to to get better.

Sending love and hugs your way.

God Bless

Sabine xx

Graham hi!

Tnx 4 the apology...Really there is no need?....I never took offence m8t...And it is nice and thoughtful of you to make an effort to clear things up...So, thank you! Racism isn't real as far as i'm concerned...It is an equal amount of hate on every side....

The way around it is, don't give in to hate and choose love.....

Anyway, there isnt that many Indian restaurants in Slough?? lol...

Morning Graham,

Just popping in to say hi 🙂

No sun for us in the 'Bay' this morning, but its still early and we have had some lovely afternoons & evenings lately. We do live in a beautiful part of this country G.

Actually I had forgotten how wonderful & diverse it is for years due to work... So thats something really positive for you to re-discover Graham. I try to get out at least once a day, every day. Sometimes its just to watch the world go by and just 'breathe in the beauty & fresh air, other times I'm fit for some gentle dog walking. If you haven't got one G, a dog is deffo good medicine.... and he never minds how much I bore him! lol

Hope the sun shines on you today my friend, whatever you get up to.

Take care

Jackie

Totally fed up. This darned illness is doing my head in. Stuffed full of anti ds, gone over thetop, Docs orders, for severe OCD. This is not fun. Go to bed at silly times, can`t sleep otherwise . Job gone, I hope some compensation. My wife working like a mad thing for not a lot.

Fed up, insecure. Don`t really want to leave the house. Tbh, I only feel a bit of relief if I have a few beers of an evening. Have told about it and as long as I keep it that way that is fine. Not sure they want to fight with my soliciter.

Rip off of people I am contracted to seem to be backing off due to a large amount I have been owed over 4 years. Have to see about that .

Like ANL , I remember much happier times. We should not dwell on it but hard not too.

Feel a right plonker that my lovely wife has to work her nuts off.

If this mental state had happened some 3 years later, it would not be so hard. A nice raft of pensions kicking in.

Just feel useless. I was always, up `um and at `um but my fight has gone. Always very sociable but not now .

Perhaps a little of the problem is that I am a pretty deep thinker. Also a number cruncher .

I guess like ANL , I really do not understand how the system works any longer. You do your all, that`s not good enough . Anyway, enough of my very late night rantings.

Hi G,

Thanks for the reply on my diary,very thought provoking words mt friend.

I too feel your pain and i too now think this is not the way its supposed to be,i get what people are saying and i absolutely know i,m not alone with my fears regarding the future,does it help??,i dont know,does it seem to help??,maybe.

I think guys like me and you (probably others on here too) are deep thinkers and that i feel goes against us,we feel like all this s**t going on in the country is personal to me and you,well with where we currently find ourselves it certainly feels like a personal attack and i know with you and your former employers it bloody well is!!.

What do we do though G,in all honesty what do we do?? i love walking down memory lane (literally) and i find myself driving to places i used to live,go out socialising etc and just reminiscing,it helps but in a slightly sad way,maybe sombre might be the best description but i have plenty of time on my hands so thats what i do.

I just take each day as it comes at present,if i land some work,i,ll go off and do it,if not then i try and do something constructive like clean the house,its all i can do.

I think your spot on G,something IS gonna give i too can feel it,we cant put up with this s**t much longer,when are the british people gonna wake up and say enough is enough,probably never as we are the same british thickos that voted in a useless spineless f****n COALITION!!!!!!

take care mate

"" A NEW LIFE ""

hi boys, i think the word that you are looking for is hope

without hope you have nothing

hang in there - both of you

keep hoping and keep believing in yourselves, please dont loose sight of that

things can and will change for the better

love

rusty

xx

Thanks guys for your posts. Without my wonderful wife I am not sure were I would be right now.

Her birthday tomorrow so we had a nice meal out and decent, intelligent people to chat with.

Some old pensions are kicking in for my wife right now . Not a fortune but better than expected. Far more to come next year. The lady is so supportive, I love h*r more than I ever had. In fact we are like a pair of kids, had a couple of sneaky kisses when out tonight. How nice is that.

Sadly not getting a whole lot better and difficult to drive as my hands shake a lot. My OCD is very high apart from all the other symptoms. Not a huge laugh at my age.

The people I have contracted for for over 11 years are very keen to get me out. I was supposed to have a letter of dismissal about 10 days ago. Nothing . They are clearly ignorant of the law regarding self employed folk , for them it was a way to get cheap representatives.

However there is very clear guide lines from 1993 EU regulations. I indicated that regarding compensation. Suspecting that they are consulting a soliciter. Glad I have a proffessional body behind me with specialist solicitors.

Being tighter than a gnats chuff ( forgive the language ) I suspect that something is afoot. The greedy gits pay the office staff minimum wage, even to people who run accounts.

Anyway , still waiting for the letter . I have already toldthem that I will be taking the matter forward via civil law .Wether or not I have a case, we wil wait and see, however I feel a bit stronger to at least have a go.

There big worry, my major gripe , was I obtained a customer for them, on the ball , and became worth around £1.5k a month to me. Remember all my expenditure comes out of my pocket. Coupled with other smaller accounts it gave me a decent living and enough capital to spend on increasing more outlets for the company.

Snatched off , that curtailed my activities. Soon got quite wise to their activities . Can you call on such and such , he wants to do more bussiness . Yea right, for the umpteen time the order delivered was wrong or busted and the customer had enough. All they wanted to save was a tenner to pick it up, however no consideration this end.

They are totally loaded . My mole in accounts tells me the boss has a £500,000 salary a year . Also my mole tells me just how much I would have earned had the toe rags kept to the deal .

Well if I can get a no win, no fee, I feel strong enough to take them on.

Always believed that good work should be rewarded. Sadly not the case in our present society .

The " bankers ", richly paid for being failures. Not worth a light . Dedicated people like carers, badly paid, overworked , yet their clients depend on them . The guy who sweeps the street is worth more than bankers who messed the whole situation up. Using other peoples money they gambled, as did other countries , have screwed the system up.

Now we have the Etonians dicating what we should do. So more grief .

We were going to sell up and go to Spain . Just in the same mess. Over bloated lending.

Still the gambling industry bleats on and on . Oh loverly and fluffy , come to Losers Bingo .com and meet friends. This program is sponsered by WWW. Suckers Bet .com , get your free sign up bonus.

Well if you have read my rant , thank you. Me old mucker ANL might agree.

Mods, I hope I am not up for a ban.

i hear ya graham me friend

love

rusty

xx

Hi G,

Yep,completely agree with all of your last post,course anyone with half a brain can see that it all makes sense,not that that really helps you (or me!!) in reality.

Can only think "one day at a time" is the only way forward,i once again(groan) had another poor weekend on the working front,i,m getting quite used to doing nothing on a weekend these days,it doesnt sit comfortable and it defo wont pay the bills BUT theres an element of surreal peace about it.

Saturday i went to my bike mechanics and chewed the fat with him whilst he put the finishing touches to my bike ready for the summer and that was nice,then sunday i made a quickfire decision to go and see a good pal and his family with my family,it was a superb day with lots of good convo,drink and food,it took my mind off the s**t for a while and it reassured me that in terms of family and friends,i,m a lucky guy.

I cant offer anything to you my friend other than,"keep the faith","what will be will be" and remember(like me i hope??)your a sound guy with decent morals and values,if we have nothing else than those attributes,its still something to be proud of.

Best regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""