New diary for 2024

I'm finding every day increasingly harder to cope. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lower than rock bottom, never thought that possible 

I'm now 193 days gamble free, these past couple of weeks have really tested my recovery, I got to the point were I was so desperate for an escape that I very nearly signed up to a site. When it came to it, I couldn't go through with it. It would of been hard to do anyway as I've got gamstop, gamban and partner has access to bank.  Things are already tough and I did not want to add gambling back into it and make it even harder.

I'm feeling a little bit more positive today about my mental health, I've got alot of support and I'm starting new medication on Monday.. I'm also on the waiting list for counselling with cruse to try and come to terms with my mums sudden death. I've got through bad times before, I have to keep reminding myself this is not forever, it will pass.

Good to hear you are getting help and feeling a little bit positive, you will get there, Believe.

Thankyou lids, and thankyou so much for your support, means alot to me 🤗

So today my calender shows I'm 196 days gf. I actually still can't believe I've managed to do this. Really does feel like such an achievement.  My mum always said she believed in me and knew I could stop, she hated what gambling did to me, so im doing this not only for me, my partner, kids but also my mum. I like to believe she's looking down on me and is proud of me.

Things are going in the right direction,  these past few months have been so hard, but I'm now starting new medication and receiving alot of support.

Mondays always remind me of my gambling days, on a Monday I would just constantly check bank til I was paid, then I'd be straight on the slots til I had nothing left. I remember the feeling of utter panick I'd feel knowing I had to tell my partner we had no money for shopping and bills. Seeing the hurt in his eyes. Now on Mondays, when I get paid, I pay the bills and my partner goes and does our food shop. It feels good to be in a place now were I dont waste our money. Were even able to treat ourselves and the kids, after my mum died and my dad had to sort out all the financial stuff, he ended up 3 weeks in rent arrears, and I was able to pay that off for him. He was so so greatful and I felt good that I was able to help him instead of always being skint. Its amazing how much I've managed to save in 196 days. My money is no longer wasted. My bills are up to date and we have savings.

I've been tested so much especially these past few weeks, were I have got tempted to gambling as I was desperate for an escape. But I managed to get through. And I am feeling a little more hopeful now 

Today is international womens day and i would like to say that you stace are my women of the year (and that tough as my mum is amazing)....

This year youve battled more than anyone i know and have got thru it all.

well done.

Now make yourself a celebratory cuppa and enjoy.

XXXXX adam

Awww adam, that is so kind of you. Thankyou so much, really made me smile xxxx

Mothers day tomorrow, the first one since losing my mam. Feel broken. Just don't have any words anymore 😭😭

212 days gamble free 🍾🎉🎉

So very proud of myself, I've stayed gamble free even under immense stress. My mental health back on track now to and I'm feeling really positive 😊

That's amazing  well done big achievement, hopefully I can reach that milestone and I will.thanks for showing it can be done 

Ruined it all. Nothing but a failure

You are no Failure, you`ve had a blip, what you have achieved under the hardest challenges and situation is nothing short of amazing. Please share if you need, if not my words are`nt kindness they are the truth of the way many see you. Every problem you`ve faced at first nervously but then began to see in yourself the achievement, without knowing whats wrong, please please give yourself a little slack and praise what youve done really really well over the last 6 months. I will see if you reply and want a chat via dialogue on here, but definitely ring the helpline and speak to a real person who can help you make sense of things.

Lids I can't make sense of things. My heads gone. I feel like I have nothing left anymore. I've fought so hard but now I give up. I can't do this anymore 

You’ve struggled, then settled and finally got your head around things before, you will again. You are one of the most knowledgable people on coping and finding a path forward that I know. We are all afraid to look for help and towards the future when facing massive problems, but you always manage to do just that. Look at the things you do well, don’t judge yourself on things you struggle with. Most would think 6 months and over near on impossible to go gamble free, but you did it!, that is no failure, and one of the hardest things for us cgs to ever do, add to that the adversity you have faced, and what you wrongly see as failure is rightly admired and becomes an inspiration to others. We all make mistakes, but please look at what you have done well. Whether you have struggled and had a blip with life you have just gone over 6 months gamble free. Get back on the horse, and move forward, you’ve proved you can do it, so now use what you e learnt to do it again. You can and will do it again. 

When you know you've messed up but don't know how to put it right 😭😭

Cannot cope

Enough is enough 😭 i hate this addiction, I hate my life, I hate this world.! Only so much one person can take....