Hi my names xmercx and im a compulsive gambler.
My gambling addiction started over 13 years ago but has gradually got worse as the years passed. It began when my now ex husband was posted to iraq in 2003.At the time i was a studing nursing and had 2 young children.we had been together 11 years very happy when he came home from iraq with PTSD. My husband went to war and a virtual stranger came homewho was a drunk and violent,something he had never been before and thats when it all started with online bingo.at first it was just bingo a tenner here and there but as he became more ill online bingo was like an escape from the real world having to deal with my real life. it started to become a problem and i stopped on my own. after four years of putting up the the abuse i finally found the courage to leave with my daughter and got my own place with her. again i went back to bingo but then found online slots BIGGGGGGGGG mistake. but again i managed to stop and in 2009 met my new partner and never even bother with gambling.after a couple of years i went bk to online slots and thats when the lies and the secrets started. i dealt with all the bills ect so always managed to hide my gambling but it all came to light in 2014 when my oh saw my bank statements and said i had to get help so i did. i attened GA but after 6 weeks stopped going as the i found it extremely upsetting and uncomfortable as the meeting was around 60 people nearly all men and i couldnt find the strength to stand up and speak. i didnt gamble for around 6months and slowly but surely i started again but only the odd 20 pounds here and there. then last year i was ufairly dismissed from my job and a deep depression and anxiety set in. i was off work around 4 months and began to gamble small amounts again but got myself back into work and got my first full wage in december but never gambled anything due to christmas.i thought thats it iv cracked it i can not gamble if i dont want to. how wrong was i. i got paid again and blew 1k on online slots chasing losses. at the time i didnt think about the repercussions i just kept thinking i can win it back oh will never know but it didnt happen i felt so sick and disgusted with myself. thats when i came across this site and took the self assesssment. i contacted gamcare and told my oh and daughter everything. yes he was angry and hurt and he had told me previously if i did it again he would leave hence me being terrified to tell him. but he has been amazing and is sticking by me. he now has full control of all finances and has installed k9blocker and sky sheild on the internet, he is also attending ga with me and after a really long chat hes told me if i have urges or feel down to talk to him which is something we never did in the past. so here i am day 4 gamble free feeling really determined this time as i dont ever want this addiction to take hold of me like it has in the past.sorry for such a long post.
Hi Merc,
It looks like you've started on the right path telling your oh is so important it sounds like have told him everything which is what you need to do. I hope the woman's GA that we spoke about in chat works for you if you find the right meeting it will help you so much. Keep doing what you've started doing and if and whe. You need help talk to your oh it sounds like he's ready to help you if you let.
KTF
Hi there Clare , just wanted to wish you well and welcome you to the Diary section , glad youv'e joined us over here ! Well done on the 4 day's so far !
Take care ...................Alan
Hi merc, nice to see you posting a diary. I find it really helps, although sometimes I feel like I am blethering on and on, but who cares? It's a diary in which you can vent, reflect, explore feelings and map your path of recovery. Other forum members will chip in with advice and encouragement and it is always heart-warming that those going through their own journeys take time to support fellow members - that's what makes this forum so special.
Best wishes for tomorrow's GA meeting - and well done your partner for being so supportive and joining you at the meeting. Take care xx
Hey merc...well done to you...sounds like a top bloke...do it together and I'm sure all will be fine ...hope you enjoy he tomorrow xxx
Well done on 4 days 🙂 keep strong! Slots destroyed me slowly!! Star xx
Thankyou dean oldham Alan annie loxxie and star for replying. Today has not been a very good day. I woke up this morning feeling ok then came on here to be told yet again I should be going to more ga meetings even after explaining how I cant get to one until a week tomorrow due to work commitments. I was so upset I burst into tears which my oh was upset about even to the point he joined here and posted on my page. So have stayed off here all day as couldn't face anymore negative posts I wasn't going to come back and just try GA but oh told me 2 as he feels it's good for me to write down how I'm feeling and speak to other cg. I understand that partners get upset but like I have explained to oh unless you have been an addict you don't know what it's like. I have along with my oh put things in place to reduce me gambling and I wish I could attend a Ga this week but being a nurse you can't just drop a shift. As for taking out debt and not telling oh how can someone who doesn't know you say that about you. My oh has seen all bank statements and knows only money spent was my wages I really think some people should.think before they post as thanks to that post have been so down and upset all day, but have not gambled.
Your doing fine merc...and what a lovely bloke you got...like I said earlier....you two will get through this together in the way that is right for you both....nobody except another gambler knows how we feel about our terrible addiction. ..how bad we feel and how messed out heads and hearts our...we all have to do what's best for us in our recovery....so please keep coming back each day....I didn't get to my first counselling for a good ten days ...I think it was better as I had calmed down...thought a lot ....and gained some strength.....softly softly...one day at a time xxx
Glad you decided to come back this place will be good for you
KTF
NIce to see you back my lovely. Keep posting your diary, as your OH says, it is good to get it out and share your experiences both high and low, in the knowledge you are not alone.
You're doing a great job, keep up the good work xx
Well day 5 of no gambling and have had a very restless night. Went to bed with oh and couldn't sleep so back up around 2am as didn't want to wake him as he was up at six for work, I'm working tonight so can hopefully sleep later. Off to see my daughter this morning as she is not well. Oh took her to emergency doc over weekend and she has a bad ear infection and told she may need an op it's that bad. So going to spend a few hours with her. Reading other people's diaries on here over night and scared me that people can go nearly a year and start again. On a brighter note had a really really long chat with oh before bed last night about how I was feeling and how he was feeling which was good as we have not communicated like this for months. Be glad when it's this time next week so I can attend my first ga meeting. Hope everyone is well x
Hey merc...sorry to hear about daughter...hope she's ok...I also draw strength from all the diary reading....get some sleep before tonight if you can...lovely to read you and hubby are sorting this together....high five xxx
Hi merc,
You're doing really well and don't let anybody tell you any different. You have made fab progress by telling your OH and how lovely it is to see how supportive he is being. I had the same person at the weekend saying not so nice things to me and I ended up in tears too. I also thought about coming off here as I'm too sensitive to people making negative comments. However after further thoughts I am not going to let them get me down and nor should you.
Stay strong and you and I and all the others who want to give up WILL beat this. Take care xxx
Thanks Alan oldham loxxie annie and tilly. Currently at work until 8am. Today has been a good day not really thought about gambling today which is a positive. Tilly I did see what a certain member said to you which wasn't nice and I think she is a very bitter person and I understand she is the partner of a cg but like I said so is my oh who has been amazing as I have been totally and utterly honest with. Anyway I am also a very sensitive person at best of times never mind when I am feeling this vulnerable but listened to oh and the amazing people on here and I'm not going to let One person who doesn't know me get me down. I will keep posting and reading other people's stories and I will kick this evil addiction. Take care x
Well day six nearly over and gamble free. I feel so tired today but have slept really well. Was my first night back in work last night since telling oh everything and I felt so tired. Normally in work I am so full of energy but last night I had to keep getting up when doing my notes. Got home this morning and went straight to sleep and slept all day but still feel shattered. Back into work tonight and my 6 buses and that's the hard thing. The 1k I blew was money I worked so hard for doing extra shifts and working Christmas so I could put money away for 2 months to buy myself a car for work rather than spending 3-4 hours travelling to and from work. Anyhow I can't dwell on that and just have to accept I will be on the bus for next couple of months. Have not really thought about gambling much past couple of days apart from the odd thought but then I think about my amazing oh and how it felt to see him so hurt and upset and I don't ever want to be the one that makes him feel like that again so tomorrow will be one whole week gamble free, here's to double figures.
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