Little bit about me. Early last year started to go to bookys to play the slot machines, first few days did well out off it after that not so good. Gone from having a little bit about me (money) a half decent car etc, to having nothing and being in a lot of debt that I can't pay back. Lost a lot of good friends even one that I counted as family from borrowing and not paying back. Lieing as to why I needed to borrow it etc. So in short iv turned into some body I never ever thought I would. Joined forum yesterday as I know I can't concour it by myself for some reason my head thinks it's a good idea to go and blow money at the bookys and it's fun. Where as yesterday after borrowing the money to pay a debt then some how stopping at a bookys on way to paying debt and blowing half the money, then sitting and feeling like the lowest human on earth, then thinking you know what death can't be as painful as life. Knowing it was give up there and then on life or give up bookys, to a normal person that would sound the most stupid thing in the world to say but in my head it was a genuine choice. I think iv worked out why I gamble, it's because I no longer have any self worth at all none, I feel as low as a drug addict does. I don't feel like I deserve any one to be nice to me or anything else. But yesterday I joined here as I said and loads of people replied to my post that actually seemed botheted. Then I went in the chat room and people actually asked how I was etc. In the evening I went back on chat and a some one had remembered my dilemma and asked me how I'd got on then praised me for not going back to bookys! That one sentence will fuel my battle and I will remember there name and I do thank them a lot will right day 1 this evening
Hiya Blown...pleased to see you have started your diary. Going out for a while but will be reading later to see how you have got on today? Did you manage to find details for Gamblers Anonymous meetings?
Ahh Rhoda it was you! Thank you for asking last night
Ok so day one .. well nearly . Woke up feeling a bit more positive. Although by the time 9am came along i was picturing fruit machine games in my head. Managed to run about and borrow some cash of a mate. I was just honest (in away) said I didn't know when I could pay it back but I needed it and the second iv got it he can have it. Looked abit confused, but leant me it, so then I had that 250 plus 350 in my hand. Was I tempted to go to bookies ... 1000 percent yes, no matter how much it's ruined my life my friendships and everything else for the second time I was thinking about going and making it more! Every thought went through my head it's a Friday they always pay out on a Friday. Iv lost that much recently iv got to win. And plenty more. But the thought of yesterday and the honest fact that I was contemplating putting car into a wall. All because of the bookys won. So I went the only route I know there's no bookies which is at least half hour longer and paid my debt. The rest of day hasn't been difficult iv only got 30 quid so is enough to go in and I seem to think about going in imagine the machines then fight the thought and get a horrible head ache and feel really anxious. Not a nice feeling bookys shuts in a hour and 45 iv then completed day 1!
Hi, welcome and well done so far but you need to put blocks in place self exclude, keep your mind focused on something else. It's not easy but keep reading people's stories on here, some will make you cry but also give you hope and the strength to fight this awful addiction that robs us of our self worth x
Struggled this evening snappy as hell bad head ache, chat room wasn't really for me! Haven't been bookies though so that'll do day 1 complete
Well done. Why don't you phone that number and get yourself excluded from all bookies in your area?
Im going too, just need to do this on will power and support which because I'm feeling wound up means I'm feeling sorry for myself I just need to understand my own head! And that's quite hard!
3 o'clock in morning and still wide awake. Think it's anxiety don't know. Just know I should be asleep! Never ever thought quitting would effect me in this way
B
Just replied to a post you had written on Sitch's post on Family section so had not seen any of the above. If you notice a lot of people on here will be willing you on to complete Day 2 and 3. Once you have done that you will find that self worth starting to creep back and aiming to tick off more days is giving you something more positive to do. It's a simple thing but a great start to recovery. The worst thing you can do is ask to borrow money especially cash. If you are in debt ring Gamcare counsellors and they give good advice on debt managment and self excluding from bookies, online etc. Like anything like this you will get the withdrawal symptoms but you will have a far worse headache if you carry on losing money and potentially relationships. Sorry to sound hard but that is the reality but I think you really want to stop and are already putting in a good effort so good luck to you and keep on talking to everyone on here.
Day 2 (yesterday)
Was a bad day, but had a lot of temptation, sold a few bits to get some cash together to get the ball moving forward and pay of some more debts (run out of stuff to sell still lots of debt!) but at one point I had 900, then after finished paying a couple of debts had 230, found my self driving towards bookys and turned round my whole body was screaming at me to go to bookies and I wouldn't, massive headache and my whole body feeling tense fealt awful. Alls I did was think about last time I gambled and Fact Putting car into a wall was a genuine option. I don't talk about stuff like that litely had 2 people close to me end there life's. But my thoughts sat in car after loosing that money was death can not be as painful as life. Then I did some reasoning in my head and just imagined a bookies the same as a drug dealer and thought well you give them both money to do something that's going to destroy you. That thought got me through yesterday
Ok day 3 1 o'clock and heads smashed again. Had a bad morning had my daughter which has been good but, had to get bus everywhere on a sunday that's pretty d**n difficult. And when stood at a bus stop in freezing cold with your daughter freezing for half hour. Really makes you see what you've lost. Guilt and a feeling off utter shitness is best way to describe. Espeacilly when I'm stood singing the wheels on the bus to make her laugh and not think of how cold it was. Only positive, can I get any lower ? No can i hell as long as I stay away from bookies I can't that will be another mental block of not going
Singing wheels on the bus is good - I bet your daughter loved it. Yes there's lots of regrets, feelings of guilt and utter shitness as you put it but you've gone 3 days gf. 3 days when all you've wanted to do is put a bet on and you've resisted. Massive respect to you. Keep it up. Your lovely innocent daughter needs her daddy to sing with her more often. Singing doesn't cost a penny but makes her rich with love.
Sorry if it sounds a bit soppy to some but it is true.
Take it one day at a time, the days soon add up and the fog starts to lift x
Hiya Blown, thanks for popping by my diary. Well done on resisting the bookies...keep it going...give your daughter a daddy she can be proud of
End of day 3
Went to get a motor 60 mile away got a mate to give me a lift, got half way home and it blew up! Normally something c**P happening pushes me straight to bookies ...... but luck is that c**P at moment im just laughing at it! Really really wish this head ache would b****r off soon as I start thinking about bookies then fight my urges the head ache starts. Because I won't go to bookies seems to be all the time! Am I imagining this head ache or can it actually be a side effect of withdrawal from bookies ?
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