one more step along the road I go.....

2018 ..
I reckon most of us are unsatisfied and searching.that restlessness that leads us to if only .......I won......if only the jackpot came up ......if only I was younger thinner happier etc etc.im really trying just to be in the moment but throughout my life I seem to searching or trying and thinking I'd be happier if .....blah blah.
I am trying to not over think. not think back of forward and just be in the now and be kind
day 19 gf .feel a bit low but ok

well done Cookie on 19 days, we do experience many low days just battle your way through them, I often take myself to bed early as the day after a low day is often better.

Keep up the fight

Wilsy

thanks Wilsy
day 21....
It feels like it's come round quick but at the same time a long journey in my head.
no strong urge.annoyance when sites pop up in feeds.junk emails have all gone and no more trying to entice me back in the post.
I've had a busy week at work and my job is stressy but instead of looking for gaming sites to zone out to.i check in with family and friends on what's app groups.i read through diaries to reconnect with the issues I have to acknowledge to get better.
my mum sent me a msg to say she was proud of me.considering she's had to help me out financially .....paying back loan to her to avoid high interest rates ....that meant a lot and I felt truly humbled how nonjudgemental my mum and sister have been whilst not enabling me at the same time to continue gambling.
grateful for family x
today I will not gamble .
have a good weekend x

Thanks for posting me Cookie.

Well done on reaching 3 weeks that is such an achievement mate, keep up the good work!

The future is very frightening, the thought of never gambling or having a bet in a whole lifetime is very scary but that is how it has to be for us, we're addicts and we need to continue to refrain from any form of gambling.

Really pleased your mum is proud of you, it really does help to have understanding and supportive families and well done on being so brave and honest with them as your mum will always be there for you, use her as your motivation to change your life for the better and give her oads of hugs as they are priceless, she'll love them. My mum has just cleared my 1200 overdraft to avoid interest charges, makes me feel so emotional, they just want the best for us mate, they are getting older and they just want us to be happy.

Exactly today don't even consider gambling, I know you won't, good man!

Wilsy

Hi Cookie well done on 21 days I’m not far behind you, you said in earlier post you were feeling bit down hope you feel better now. Really happy for you Cookie stay gf your one of my inspirations too cos I can see how hard you’ve fought this addiction best of wishes Lulu x

thanx Wilsy..btw I'm female 🙂 and lulubobs ...appreciate your posts really do.
day 24 .no urges but I know I must never go near online sites and the fact I've blocked helps.had a really low day yesterday but I struggle with depression anyway. very busy day at work took my mind out of my head to focus on others.lots of changes ahead at work.just need to make sure when the going gets tough I don't revert to gambling.still feel.sick at the thought of going near it.when I realise what I've risked......it really is a sickness.
here's to a better life and a better me
take care ...onwards and upwards ...one more step .one more day x

day 28 gf......wow that's gone quick.i haven't been near the sites to date and only an occasional thought when reminded by constant adverts.ive started to go back to the gym to feel better about myself and atm just walking on a treadmill with bits of running.not setting goals to put pressure on myself just making the most of now.i was reading the definition of a compulsive gambler and the brain and my pleasure zone in my Brain is definitely sensitive to lights...then add in the risk of losing.....adrenaline rush .....then add in the misguided thought of chance of winning .....more adrenalin spike.....then my brain goes thank you for making me feel better.the equivalent of constantly stuffing a child with sweets.short term sweetness long term anguish.
feeling quite chilled....listening to a lot of meditation and podcasts whilst at gym instead of high paced music.i realise my brain is like a hyperactive child and needs calm handling to not do risky behaviours.
really busy week ahead at work so will check in next week and catch up with all the inspiring stories that keep me grounded.
just for today I will not gamble
x

Four weeks ago n our friend Cookie

Bade good riddance to the bookie

Meditating - Ruminating

In the gym - Illuminating

Well done on 29 GF cookie. Keep up the good work. We are all in this together and we shall beat this horrible illness taking one day at a time. Hope you're having a brilliant weekend.

Well done Cookie on your gf days, we’re doing this! Bestest wishes x Lulu

love it Stephen the Stoic .thanx 4 your support lulubobs and Hazard2myself.
30 days no lapses ....
hope u all had good weekends x

Hi cookie 33 days gf for you well done hun you are doing great Bambi x

thanx bambi..
35 days ....still gf.
I feel great that I've not succumbed.
I feel focused not to get complacent
I feel angry with myself about the money I've got to pay back
I feel concerned about how deep a hole this addiction can get you in and how you lose sight of sense
I feel the need to keep all the blocks in place so this doesn't happen again.
during the day I'm fine occasionally at night I get vivid dreams that I've gambled online slots and I feel angry at myself .I then wake up really freaked out by how real it felt and the gutty feeling left by the emotions.and have to tell myself it was a dream.
have started to fill the time spent online with reading or drawing.(last sketched 30 years ago!)couldnt afford a big mother's day pressie last week so drew a portrait of my grandmother (now passed) for my mum and she loved it .felt good to see her happy when shesbeen so worried about me.
I'm checking in once a week and taking time to read others as need to look out and not get so selfabsorbed.
thank you for reading this .this forum has helped as I know you guys can know and feel the inner state of this addiction.
I hope you are all slaying this beast.have a great week. just for today I will not gamble xx

Well done on 35 days gamble free Cookie that is great!

Don't be angry with yourself for too long, I have over 10k to pay back, at least we are on top of things now, just pay back what you can afford.

Below is what I have copied and pasted from my diary in response to your post to me

''

Thanks Cookie for your post. Yes I'm feeling much better within myself, I know who I am I just needed to find myself again. Yes it is easier just keeping good and kind people in our lives, there is no space or time for horrible people, I have tried my hardest and given them many a chance but some people never change, they are what they are.

Yes my guinea pig (eldest) is doing much better and she's so much friendlier, she lets me stroke her in her cage all the time now so maybe she knows I'm helping her and making her feel better, or I like to think that. I have always wanted my own dog, I just can't because I'm always at work or out and it wouldn't be fair and because I rent and the farm I live at have four outside dogs, they might not get on. Maybe one day I'll meet someone, get my own place and then I can have a boxer which is my favourite kind of dog, what do you have Cookie?

Have a great weekend also, yes my mood has lifted considerably since we entered Spring, I am also now getting out more.

Thank you and I will take care of myself, it is about time I did.

Wilsy''

Hi cookie thanks for your post made me smile i like running too well did before i had a toddler 🙂 we are going to do this together . Bambi xx