One week gambling free and i'm more scared than ever

Hi LenOne,

Welcome to the forum. Wonderful opening post and i can imagine how much of the strength and determination it took you to type it all out...my deepest respect! Ohhh and one week gamble free is truly something you should be proud of! Letting go of the crutch is really hard at the beginning of recovery, so really well done ☺
Your opening post is very similar to mine 3 years ago. I was provided counselling as soon as i started recovery and what i have discovered behind my own mask i weared all my life was something i am still coming to terms with.

Contact GC, they offer free 1to1 counselling and take the steps forward. This journey is a roller coaster with many bumps on the road but as more you learn about yourself/reaction to situations/behaviour - the easier it will become ☺
You are right, it's not all about money.

Ok, first steps are being made. Did you self excluded from the sites? Can you put a blocking software on your devices? K9 is for free and works for many who has tried it. Just get someone to set password for you.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. You matter the most and if road ahead is scary and painful...please keep walking it..it's not gonna be forever. ..things will change in due vourse and only for the better.
Anxiety will lessen, you will be more confident and peaceful as recovery commend.
Please get counselling, they can answer many questions you might have...and as far as i can see, you have quite a few.

Life is not perfect but you are in control of making positive changes going forward. Childhood is in the past - here and now matters the most!

Wishing ypu peace and strength tackling the addiction and reaching for personal wellbeing you so deserve ☺

Stay safe - one day at a time

S x

Hi Len , just popped by to say hi and welcome you to the forum , congratulations on your first week gamble free as that's always a toughie !

I stopped gambling about 8 months ago now down to willpower and this wonderfull place ,with some great people who combined have a wealth of knowledge regarding putting things in place to help you come through this .

Your going to be scared just as I was , it's a huge thing giving up something that we've done for many years , something that's a way of life ! but don't be , there's really nothing to fear except fear itself , stick with it and life will improve greatly maybe you won't notice much change initially but give it a few weeks and life will get better .

You do have to let go of the past though and all the money as well , once you accept that its gone you will no longer feel the need to chase those losses and that'll allow you to move on and there's no piont in beating yourself up over it, what's done is done , were all human and we all make mistakes but that's mistakes we learn from !.

I think everyone looks back in horror at the amount of money we lose while gambling but look on it as an expensive lesson in what not to invest money into , money comes and goes throughout our live's and can be replaced but the time we lose to gambling can't !

Wishing you well with your journey and talk to you again soon ! Regards .................Alan

Hi Hopeful Soul,

Thank you for your support. You are right, it is me that is in control of the positives that I make going forwards - I just have to make sure I remember that every day. I have closed my gambling accounts and sent off the self exclusion forms (I know I can't trust myself otherwise) but I will look into K9 as well as I have not heard of it before.

I have to admit the counselling scares me abit but I am going to see a counsellor next week and I am hopeful that after the first appointment I will feel more in control of the fear.

Take care and good luck with your recovery as well. 3 years is an incredible achievement!

Hi Alan,

Thank you for the help and support. It is hearing from others, like you, on how they conquer their addiction and get on with living life to the fullest that gives me the strength to look forward. You are right about learning from our mistakes however expensive. I think if I can think of it like that I will find it easier to accept and move on. Those closest too me know about my addiction (I was upfront with everyone but haven't revealed quite how much I have lost over the years because I couldnt see the point of recriminations over something I cannot change) but they have not been affected by gambling so I am not sure how much they really understand. Not that it is their place to anyway.

8 months is a fantastic achievement. I am looking forward to the day when I can write on the forum that I am 8 months gambling free!

Take care and good luck!

Hi Alan,

Thank you for the help and support. It is hearing from others, like you, on how they conquer their addiction and get on with living life to the fullest that gives me the strength to look forward. You are right about learning from our mistakes however expensive. I think if I can think of it like that I will find it easier to accept and move on. Those closest too me know about my addiction (I was upfront with everyone but haven't revealed quite how much I have lost over the years because I couldnt see the point of recriminations over something I cannot change) but they have not been affected by gambling so I am not sure how much they really understand. Not that it is their place to anyway.

8 months is a fantastic achievement. I am looking forward to the day when I can write on the forum that I am 8 months gambling free!

Take care and good luck!

Hi Len (?)

What's been your approach to dealing with your anxiety? Has it been to try and get rid of it? You've described having generalised anxiety. I have social anxiety/social confidence issues.

I've found acceptance of anxiety to be the way forward. I used to beat myself pretty badly. Get depressed about the anxiety, get anxious about the anxiety. I don't know if you're familiar with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but if not I think it's very well suited to living with anxiety - it's quite a different way of approaching things. The suffering comes from the struggle rather than direct contact from what it is we fear.

What is anxiety? How does it differ to fear? Seems to me they're similar concepts. But maybe anxiety is more to do with the feelings of constantly avoiding fear (or difficult/overwhelming feelings).

You said

"it is having to face the reasons I was gambling and how out of control it got that has sent me into a spiral"

This seems to me a good example of anxiousness. Rather than get 'stuck in' to your recovery - you're in the half-way house, where you're fearing the worst. Without committing. My advice would be to go all in. Hanging around the periphery, living by fear is a very draining experience.

I'm not belittling the reasons behind your anxiety. They're real. But you don't deserve to be dictated to by your past.

I should think that (like me) your gambling is bundled up with your anxiety.

Best wishes

Louis

Hi Louis,

I really appreciate your kind and helpful words. I am really struggling at the moment and you are right a lot of the anxiety is fear about the future and that is what is stopping me from jumping all in with my recovery. I think I am in such a spiral of shame, fear, humilliation and guilt that I dont really know what to face first. The strange thing is since admitting I have a gambling addiction I feel sick at even the thought of gambling so I almost want to drive myself crazy with these feelings so that I am never tempted to gamble again. I dont know if that is a positive or not!

Best wishes and good luck with your recovery.

I have really struggled this weekend - not so much with not gambling, although that has not been easy but I have not given in - but with my emotions and feelings in general. I dont think I have ever felt so low or so ashamed about myself as much as I do now. I did manage to talk things through with my mom and although I had already admitted to her that I had I problem I told her the full extent of it this morning. She simply told me that she didnt care - I was her daughter, she loved me and the past was the past and it was the future that mattered. It felt amazing to be so supported.

I start seeing a counsellor on Tuesday but right now I am trying to cope with just getting through a day without bursting into tears or (sometimes) just wishing I had not even woken up that morning.

I think this is the nature of this beating addiction - ups and downs each day. Just a few highs and many many lows but I hope overtime this will turn around and life will return to how it was 6 years ago before I signed up to an online gambling site 'for fun' and started down this road in the first place.

Hi again Len , look all this emotion stuff your experiencing is totally normal , if you look back on my early diary I asked the same questions , my emotions were up and down all over the place , one minute happy as could be and the next in floods of tears , I know look back on it as a sort of cleansing period , getting rid of all the past losses and rubbish I'd been carrying around for so long .

Those feelings of being ashamed , again they are all perfectly normal , we all regret what weve done but just remember it is done , we can't change it so forgive yourself and allow you to become the person you really want to be , there's lots of usefull sayings on here and one say's " It's ok to look back but just don't stare " , as I said to you before we are all human and by our nature we make mistakes , so just let go of it ! .

Your mum sound's like a wonderfull understanding person and we all really need that kind of support to see us through and you will get through this Len because your a strong person who's decided enough's enough .

Just remember , little steps and One day at a time !

Look after yourself Len

Best wishes ,,,,,,,,,,,,Alan