Hello, On April 2nd this year I visited this site for the first time after far too many years of pure self inflicted hell. I started the same way as most, small bets snowballing until the years are passing while you work 60hours a week and spend every penny on payday. Shaking, crying inside while pretending to everyone that everything's ok. Lost all my great friends, they were great friends. Still on good terms just not the same anymore. My fault of course, never going out, losing contact, becoming a hermit. Lies lies lies lies lies. Play and win, great, play more and lose everything, steal a bit, win a bit, stay clean for a month, play a bit, lose a bit. Chase and blow everything of my own and anything else I can get my hands on. Depression, self harm, a walking zombie with no feelings or emotions or sense of life but pretending all the time. Always pretending. This is the life I have lived for many years and I was fed up with it, deeply depressed and more than considering ending it all.On the 2nd April I came on here by chance and read a few diaries, one in particular. I read a bit of advice about how to stay stopped in the first days/weeks and I have logged in everyday since picking up more and more invaluable advice in the past 6 months. Today has just been a wonderful day, a day where I felt so grateful to have what I have. A beautiful little girl who lives with me and a great family. Now the important part. My life has changed completely. This transformation is down to two people, firstly myself. I surprised myself, I have not gambled a penny since the 2nd of April. I'm very happy with my achievement and the fruits of my labour. The fruits are simply enjoying life for what it is. I still work 60 hours a week, it's hard graft but I can now look myself in the mirror and I'm happy with what I see looking back. I am determined not to lose this feeling of self worth I have recovered. I am simply enjoying my life again and that brings me to the second and undoubtably the most important man to ever to cross my path. His name is Mr Duncan Mc Quilken. Yes mr McQuilken you and especially you're words have been the focus point in my recovery to date, I read you're diary on my first day here 6 months ago, you're story has become my inspiration, you're words have become my mantras and you're positivity and appreciation of the small things (like walking the 'hounds' or filling the freezer with meat) have become the template by which I wish to live my life. It has and continues to work for me. So mr Duncan Mc Quilken I am writing here today to thank you from the bottom of my newly replenished heart for what you have unwittingly done for myself, my daughter and my family. I can never repay you, I know I am not overstating it when I say you saved my life. But even though I wish I could give you more all I can offer you is my gratitude. I always look forward to you're entries. You are a good man, I wish you and you're family all the best in you're lives. I truly mean that. I felt I owed you a thank you instead of just dropping in under the cover of darkness and stealing you're wise words for my own use. So again THANK YOU MR DUNCAN MC QUILKEN. I will never forget what you have done for me through you're words and you're generosity in taking the time out of you're life to help strangers. That is truly a noble act. I will work hard everyday because in you're words "Today I give all I have to all I do
Why??
Because I can
Nothing blinds it like the futile act of gambling.
The total waste of time
Still if this is the results of a brainwashing
I await the next service wash with great anticipation
Because the result is a life
One I love,warts and all!!!" And "The odds will never be enough to risk what I would be staking". What great words, duncanmac you are special. My name is john. I am a compulsive gambler. No bet since 2nd April. Woo hoo! "Abstain and maintain"
What a fantastic post! Well done to you John on your 6months and good on you for taking the time to say thanks.
Hi John,
You have come so far in the last six months. That is amazing . You have turned your life around.
We need to hear stories like yours to know that life is beautiful without gambling.
Best wishes to you and your family,
Suzy
John
Fella I simply don't know what to say,tears stream down my face,tears of joy.
The gift of recovery was gifted to me the day I walked through the doors of my GA room,unconditionally those good honest folk handed me an opportunity
The opportunity to accept my shortcomings and pick up from where life was destroyed by my commitment to gambling and begin again
I have learnt to forgive myself,to accept my wrongs and work on the positive things life throws our way.
Your post is proof,if you want to recover you have to give recovery away.
John,today you joined that club,you shared the joy of recovery,keep doing it fella.
We are equals,no man above another in my mind.
It is a great pleasure to know you stand by my side,two minds are stronger than one.
Together we do grow.
Please enjoy it,the effort is worth it
Embrace life.
The winners enclosure I hope others take inspiration,just like I did
Smiler the man of this forum who was my lights guide.
With great honor and respect
Duncs stepping forward never back
Mr Mc Quilken, I'm glad my message reached you. Tears are now streaming down my face. Your humility is astounding, it blows me away. My life has changed, it's so good, even the sh1tty days, which are few,are something I now welcome as a challenge. I've learned how to do this through your teachings. I sat yesterday and marvelled at the life I now have, I'm not a man of great means but I'm a happy man. I'm a happy man because I applied the wonderful advice you give freely. I will continue to quietly visit this great forum, I will continue to use your template. I'm not giving up what I've got. May the sun always shine on you and yours.
Forever in your debt.
Humbly,
John.
Hello to everyone,
happy new year. I made a brief appearance on here in October of last year to tell my story and say a thankyou. Have read a lot of posts since but have not posted. I would like to post more and it's something I'm gonna give a go this year.
UPDATE; so I'm over 9 months gamble free now, life has improved a lot. That's not to say it's easy, infact the past 3 months have been my hardest.
Its just addiction I suppose but it's weird how I know that my life is unrecognisable from when I was gambling and I know in the logical thinking part of my brain that this is because I'm making good choices but there have been many days in the last 3 months where I have REALLY REALLY wanted to gamble, and gamble BIG.
I've never gone through with it but it's the thoughts that worry me. They worry me a lot.
Anyway I hope that by expressing my concerns on here, I can work it out better in my mind.
I also want to give a bit back to the forum and the people that have helped me so much. There are a few old hands, and also some new, on here who are doing more than they know. I often think of them and hope they get as much as they give.
To you all, thank you.
Always grateful, john
John, my first post would have sounded very similar to your first 20-30 lines if I only could write my thoughts down, so much of what you wrote is so true,it's scary probably with a lot of us CG. Anyway just read your last post, stay strong and don't let them big urges take control, life is better without gambling FACT....
john, thank-you for coming back here to remind us that recovery is a long journey to be savoured through the highs & the lows & one on which we must remain vigilant! I too have learned much from the Great Master duncanmac & your thread reminds me as I get further & further along this path to stay on my guard, for the urges will keep coming!
Keep being an inspiration, making those good choices - ODAAT
John that opening post back in April last year sums up my gambling life;every emotion.
Massive respect on turning your life around,that 1 year milestone just around the corner.
Keep strong and keep reading/posting.
All the best trigger.
Hi John,
just read your open letter what a fantastic tribute to the godfather.
I came to the forum just 49 days ago with over 3 decades of gambling baggage but just one post on my diary from that man Duncs was the biggest "light bulb moment " I'd ever had. I said from this moment on I will not gamble. reading his diary you realise how far he has come and how he continues to support and mentor so many people, you penned your letter in a way I couldn't so i thank you for that
great to see you're still " abstaining and maintaining " after 9 months, and in a better place mentally and financially, you are a success story and i wish you the very best for the future....onwards and upwards......Ginger.
John
Good morning fella,fantastic to read you are still maintaining your continued abstinence,for it be very proud,it takes great courage and a huge effort upon your part to do so.
Regarding those ugres,addiction will always live within our minds,there is no cure,no quick fix that will make it leave.It will try to use good and bad times in equal measure to tempt you back,to try and make you forget the damage and destruction it brought,try to get you to again believe it is for you a 'harmless' pursuit of entertainment and fun.
We both know the score,gambling will break you,it will emotionally and financially relentlessly destroy everything,there is for the compulsive gambler no such thing as a harmless punt.
I would like to share with you a question that was put to me in my GA room.
You have children,you love them I am sure.How much do you love them?? what is the value of that love??
because the next stake you wage could be the price of losing that love,so however much that next bet is,be it a pound or a million of them if you wage it and through it lose your family you will ask yourself the question
Was it worth it??
John the fella who posed that question lost his own family,wife and two kids because his addiction had the hold on him that meant he answered it's call rather than theirs.
He asked the question because he wanted to ensure that folk with a chance to rebuild the damage caused by gambling did so rather than staking it on the outcome of an event they held no control over.
I have seen that pain first hand,shared in the devastation gambling waged upon his life,seen the hollow outcome of feeding addiction.
So you say through your own honesty you have had the urge to bet BIG.
Is it big enough a stake to wage knowing that it could be the bet with the most devastating outcome.
For me there are simply no odds worth risking what I know I could lose.
In black and white that reads pretty unpleasant,almost as bitter as it felt in the room,but it for me is the sort of medicine I need.
You have done the right thing in posting,keep doing it my friend.
I wrote before and will again it is great to stand by your side upon this journey,together we can be strong,a united force,equals in the quest to keep making the right choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Thanks to everyone who took the time to post.
Well after a long days work and couple hours reading posts I feel stronger than I did when I went to bed last night. Why? Because of the support that people on here are willing to give freely to a man from the northwest of ireland who they have never met.
That is amazing.
That is the magic of the kindness of people and that is the magic of this forum.
You guys are all an inspiration to me and I hope to share my story from here on and give the support to others that is handed out so freely around this place.
have a good weekend everyone.
With gratutude, john.
Thank you so much for dropping by on my diary 🙂
I am very glad to hear you are feeling better today! I'm not sure I am deserving of your words but it truly is a humbling experience to feel kindness from strangers. I hope posting is as rewarding for you as I have found it. If not, there is no expectation from anyone so you can just pop back into the background with silent prayers of hope that we all remain strong & on our guard as you are doing - ODAAT
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