Hi lids,
Wife dragged me out for shopping today, when we returned Liverpool were 2 -0 up against Spurs. I honestly love the beautiful game for purely football reasons not gambling. I watched Spurs come back with real intensity & had this gut feeling they were gonna get something out of the game ( surprise, surprise wrong AGAIN ).
Xmas just winds me up I remember Xmas 2018 well. As usual my wife spoilt me rotten about 7 or 8 presents dying to see the look of joy on my face. I'd handed finances over 4 months before & could only afford a small bottle of perfume for her. I explained that due to fighting addiction & having little access to money that's all I could afford. Then she asked me have you really not gambled since August ?. I could honestly say no I haven't. Her reply was you've just given me the best Xmas present I could have asked for.
Anyway first thought in my head was maybe jump in the car, find a bookie I ain't barred from, back Spurs for both draw or even win at ridiculous odds, I didn't thank god. Trigger points, remembering that Xmas of 2018 feeling ashamed, maybe buying her something lovely & expensive for Xmas 2022. The thoughts are still there, that I can beat the bookie feeling, looking for easy money that's complacency.
I'm being honest, I never go to bed thinking wow Slow you're fantastic over 4 years GF. I go to bed grateful for getting through the day without gambling. The previous days become irrelevant. Remember this, fighting an addiction is a war & today I won a battle but tomorrow the war continues. No doubt some may disagree, but for me the Just For Today philosophy works & if it ain't broken don't try & fix it.
The gambling dens didn't just take my money, they took my sense of decency & moral standards. I ain't fixed or cured, I ain't any less of the addict now than I was when I turned up here in 2018, But I ain't complacent because I know they'd love to own me lock stock & barrel just as they did back then for so many years. Hopefully tomorrow I'll find the strength to make sure that doesn't happen. Anything in this world worth having doesn't come easy, you have to work for it. Never let the gambling dens tell you otherwise. During a 90 minute football game today they almost repossessed my soul.
Best Wishes
AL
Cheers slow,
and that`s the exact post i needed to consider complacency.
Strangely enough i`m off down to spurs next week, no ticket so probably just end up in the pub.
I`m determined to win every battle, and worry about the war on my death bed.
cheers pal.
@lids19635 - wow, just found your diary and first off a huge congratulations on 300 days! It’s amazing and you are honestly such an inspiration.
Its so incredible to see the mindset you have built for yourself and the huge improvements you’ve made since your decision to stop gambling this year! You should be so proud.
I can’t thank you enough for your support for me as I am nearing the start of my journey.
take care & I look forward to keep reading your diary and inspirational posts☺️xx
Ok so here i am, not gambled for 340+days.
But problems at work, i agreed to try to balance 2 jobs at once whilst my position could be filled. I dont want to let my old boss down because i can see the pressure he is under and do still have a lot of loyalty to him. Unfortunately it is not working out well, and trying to do `everything` just isnt working. Once i would have tried to make it work and endured, but this is the new me and i vowed if i had problems at work that i wouldnt allow them to impinge on my out of work life. The boss has been very good and taken on a few of my requests and demands to get me through the next few weeks.
The above situation in the past would not have made me gamble because i would already be at it, but it would have made me spiral out of control. I know because i have thought about this situation a lot before i took my new role, that i have to be true to myself and reign things in a bit for now for my own sanity. This situation does have a major positive though in the fact that i have resisted starting up my habit despite extreme stresses. So i can take something out of this situation and not just suffer for the next few weeks.
Will i ever beat this addiction?, probably not but i am now much more capable of dealing with problems that used to trigger me. Take the positives out of every situation. We can and will all learn to manage our problems in a much better way to relieve the gambling triggers.
Hi lids,
Maybe worrying for nothing, but haven't seen you on chat & despite your unbelievable support for me over Xmas day events, you seem to have gone quiet. Maybe you're on a well deserved holiday ( I do hope so ) or perhaps staying away with relatives away from home. Either way old friend just a sentence will do, letting me know all's well & you're ok.
Sincere Best Wishes
AL
Holiday?, if only.
I do hope you are ok Al.
Me, we thought we had lost mrs lids mum on Christmas day. Its been on and off in the hospital for months now, so we were up visiting weeks before Christmas and all over the festive period. She`s home now but is in a very poor state physically and mentally. I am not good at all with such situations and seeing mrs lids who sees this all the time upset has pretty much done me. Jobs absolutely crucifying me and ive made that known.
On the plus side i`m now engaged lol, as i said to mrs lids its been a 26 years together so dont expect the engagement to be any shorter.....lol, oh yeah we threw her a surprise 60th too, which was draining.
But to answer your real question no i have`nt gambled but i`ve come pretty d**n close, and i ll be honest with you i have tears in my eyes saying that.
But i`m now smiling again i will be 1 year next Mon/Tues, i have`nt the energy to work it out but i think my last gambling day back then was a Monday so does the year mean gamble free for a year on Monday or Tuesday (Really not sure).
Forget the year hopefully no gambling, i`m more proud of the dad, partner and now intended husband that i have been to all the family and extended family this festive period. (It feels good, and i know you will relate to that my friend)
Im not avoiding chat just low on time but more energy this last few weeks.
Finally thank you so much to you for your help support and just for being you, you are a top top person.
Emotions dont come easy to me, ive been told i have very little feeling and empathy but genuinely had tears in my eyes replying, so back to being strong again!!
Holiday?, if only.
I do hope you are ok Al.
Me, we thought we had lost mrs lids mum on Christmas day. Its been on and off in the hospital for months now, so we were up visiting weeks before Christmas and all over the festive period. She`s home now but is in a very poor state physically and mentally. I am not good at all with such situations and seeing mrs lids who sees this all the time upset has pretty much done me. Jobs absolutely crucifying me and ive made that known.
On the plus side i`m now engaged lol, as i said to mrs lids its been a 26 years together so dont expect the engagement to be any shorter.....lol, oh yeah we threw her a surprise 60th too, which was draining.
But to answer your real question no i have`nt gambled but i`ve come pretty d**n close, and i ll be honest with you i have tears in my eyes saying that.
But i`m now smiling again i will be 1 year next Mon/Tues, i have`nt the energy to work it out but i think my last gambling day back then was a Monday so does the year mean gamble free for a year on Monday or Tuesday (Really not sure).
Forget the year hopefully no gambling, i`m more proud of the dad, partner and now intended husband that i have been to all the family and extended family this festive period. (It feels good, and i know you will relate to that my friend)
Im not avoiding chat just low on time but more energy this last few weeks.
Finally thank you so much to you for your help support and just for being you, you are a top top person.
Emotions dont come easy to me, ive been told i have very little feeling and empathy but genuinely had tears in my eyes replying, so back to being strong again!!
Holiday?, if only.
I do hope you are ok Al.
Me, we thought we had lost mrs lids mum on Christmas day. Its been on and off in the hospital for months now, so we were up visiting weeks before Christmas and all over the festive period. She`s home now but is in a very poor state physically and mentally. I am not good at all with such situations and seeing mrs lids who sees this all the time upset has pretty much done me. Jobs absolutely crucifying me and ive made that known.
On the plus side i`m now engaged lol, as i said to mrs lids its been a 26 years together so dont expect the engagement to be any shorter.....lol, oh yeah we threw her a surprise 60th too, which was draining.
But to answer your real question no i have`nt gambled but i`ve come pretty d**n close, and i ll be honest with you i have tears in my eyes saying that.
But i`m now smiling again i will be 1 year next Mon/Tues, i have`nt the energy to work it out but i think my last gambling day back then was a Monday so does the year mean gamble free for a year on Monday or Tuesday (Really not sure).
Forget the year of hopefully no gambling, i`m more proud of the dad, partner and now intended husband that i have been to all the family and extended family this festive period. (It feels good, and i know you will relate to that my friend)
Im not avoiding chat just low on time but more energy this last few weeks.
Finally thank you so much to you for your help support and just for being you, you are a top top person.
Emotions dont come easy to me, ive been told i have very little feeling and empathy but genuinely had tears in my eyes replying, so back to being strong again!!
Lids,
One night someone goes missing. 2 nights they're still not here, 3 nights you feel like you're waiting for a bus' that ain't coming. So sad for you & all the family. Brilliant you took the brave route & didn't look for sympathy from a SLOTS machine to offer comfort.
You'll make a terrific husband, partner, parent no doubt in my mind. Change is not only about controlling the addiction but asking yourself serious questions like can you stand side by side with someone who's on the verge of loosing a loved one & be there every day.
Forget about anniversaries, Don't count the days but make the days count. You've done fantastic & you're inspirational to CGs old ones & new. Come on the chat only when it feels right for YOU. I'm feeling happy & content you replied. If only you could understand how many people have been guided by your candid honesty & sense of awareness to addiction you'd probably find the same peace as I do right now.
It's a fine balance investing heavily in your own recovery without over investing in someone else's but you're a good soul, & remember if we don't take care of our own recovery what input can we put into other folk. You're a giving kind man whom I've so much respect for so look after yourself & thanks a million for your kind words at Xmas.
Best Wishes
AL
Cheers Al!
Diary update.
365 days ago today i was shocked to look in the mirror both meteorically and in reality.
I was then welcomed into this fantastic community that helped me to see the real me and the gambling tainted me.
On Monday the 10th of January 2022 i saw 2 pictures of myself in my head. The first picture was a rambling mess of a man with no savings, no future and a poor outlook of lies deceit and running off to gambling establishments for the remainder of my life. A me who`s partner would eventually give up and id end my life a lonely jabbering apologist for the pain i`d put my nearest and dearest through. This was the person i darent depart from, i found comfort in the repetitive nature and the ability to hide from the world that gambling had provided.
That night i had very clear thought and the enhanced ability to analyse my thoughts both good and bad, i am not religious but would describe this as an epiphany. It was a nervous and confusing few hours, i felt my life ahead rather than saw it. Behind me was the past and all the mistakes and heartache that i had endured for 35 years. Ahead of me was an uncertain path that was going to whatever would happen be better than my past.
Questions for the next few weeks took hold of my brain, questions like Why? How did it happen? why did`nt i try to stop seriously sooner? i had tried to stop before but was really feeling it this time, i was in the zone.
Eventually new questions came to the forefront on my mind, can i tell my partner? can i be honest with work colleagues and friends? Can i really kick this?
I started to put on a very positive exterior, and often this was a front, but eventually i did start to feel true positiveness and learned to relax more.
I learned as my Councillor had suggested i do to say No, and thats not just to gambling. at work i began to set out my own boundaries and surprised often to see people respect my boundaries.
One of the questions i used to ask myself was why me, why did i have the bad luck?, that has now been turned round to why me, why did i get to see my faults so as to be able to tackle them?
I`m nothing special, and i know i will always have a problem, but for one year (the figure really doesn't matter) i kept it at bay when i never believed despite the positivity that i could.
I beat gambling for a full 12 months, little old me who was a slave to the bandits, the tables and the online nonsense.
Other than the birth of my daughter that is possibly the greatest achievement of my life.
Learn to study yourself, learn to look at yourself in a cold calculated way.
If i can keep it at bay YOU definitely can.
Wishing everyone reading a peaceful, restful and Gambling New Year
Don`t ever give up.
gambling 0 , lids19635 365
Gambling you are no longer welcome here.
For 35 years i`ve been a slave to gambling addiction. I knew all along i was addicted but through shame and stubbornness i never acknowledged and accepted this fact.
These past 13 months i`ve not only accepted it but embraced the fact i now have the strength and knowledge to keep things at bay. I no longer feel depressed, embarrassed and ashamed by the addiction.
I now realize that life is for living, for being happy and learning. Life is not to be depressed, embarrassed, feel shame or despair.
Life is not there to be gambled with.
We have all been given a great gift of a second chance, don`t let it slip through your fingers.
Aspire to feel contented and at peace, problems are there to be solved and life is there to be lived and not feared.
Lids,
You're not so stubborn now, you've realized your self worth, you're changing 1 day at a time & seeing your true value, not just to yourself but to others too. Your journey has been remarkable & I'm proud to have bared witness to it. You should be proud.
Best Wishes
AL
So seems about time for an update.
I no longer think about gambling, admittedly if i found myself at a train station or in the pub alone waiting for friends i feel uneasy. Generally now i think about not gambling rather than the gambling itself (sounds daft but most at my stage will relate). I have booked lots of holidays, weekends away and breaks to look forward to not sure why but this really seems to help. Work has settled down and i find myself enjoying work again. I cant remember the last time i ran round at 100mph like the days when i was gambling between bookies and devices. I cant remember the last time i was in a horrid mood that post gambling always provided. I fully relax, but my sleep patterns after 14 months are still disturbed.
Embracing the present, looking forward to the future and putting things firmly in the past have been so important. Learning the lessons (that have been so expensive) have been equally as important.
426 days, but my only targets are happiness and being content.
Strange day today and the following days i really need to be on my guard.
Ok so today somehow, mostly down to my partner our mortgage is paid off.
Tonight my Christmas present was to have seen a band ive wanted to see for year, but i afterwards booked onto a trip with friends. My partner has used the tickets and its a good excuse for her to see our daughter take her to the concert and spend some time with her.
My concern here is spending a few days with the lads mortgage free should be a exciting event, but i have to say im a bit worried with thoughts of extra money it takes me back to my gambling days when i spent years trying to source extra gambling money.
Now i dont think i will gamble but the thoughts are an unwanted reminder, a glance into what was and its uncomfortable.
Im supposed to be feeling happy and excited very strange thought processes going on in my head.
I wont gamble, know i wont gamble but why does previous gambling have to taint things even now?
Quick update, the worst week of my life, an aggravated burglary. Been diagnosed with 3 conditions.
But now the good news i havent got Cancer as id feared after the scary recent weight loss.
And oh yes i am 500 days without gambling.
I call the last week a draw.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
