Time for an update i think.
A cryptic, positive ramble.
Be it gambling or general life, Problems are there to be looked at, analysed, addressed and then tackled. Problems shouldn't be feared. Gambling is just another problem. See it for what it is, not what it tries to masquerade as. See a problem as a good chance to use and show your new found problem solving skills or spot it and stop it before it becomes a problem. Life involves countless decisions, make good decisions and you will have fewer problems to deal with. Hide from problems and more and more severe problems will follow. Bad decisions occasionally happen as we are human, but don`t let the bad decisions become a cycle. Every decision you make try to make it the best decision you possibly can. Rash decisions are often bad decisions, take time over every decision , take extra time over the more important decisions. A good knowledge of the subject will ultimately lead to a good decision. A single good decision can halt and be the beginning of a change to lifetime of bad decisions, conversely one bad decision can severely ruin a lifetime of good decisions.
What will your own next decision be?
Ok time for an update its been a while.
Occasionally i do think of gambling, not often and not with any great intensity.
In bad situations, like in the pub waiting for friends the temptation is ever so slightly still there, but i am made of sterner stuff these days.
So since i stopped gambling somehow we have paid the mortgage off, which of course is good but this is more due to Mrslids than myself, but i have now contributed a decent amount towards it, so feel a little more worthwhile than i did.
My health though not brilliant has improved a little the last few months, and medical tests are encouraging, so another stresser has gone down a bit.
Work although quite hard has become interesting again, i checked earlier and have jumped up the pay scale 3 times since i stopped gambling, maybe there`s a connection right there?, also i am a little disappointed not to get a further promotion, but maybe that`s just greedy.
Me and Mrslids are quite a lot closer these days, which is good, its nice feeling wanted.
I am probably drinking a little more than i used to, but i am not concerned by it.
Christmas will soon be here and my daughter will be with us for Christmas, we have very differing views on the world, but i love hearing her make her points in our chats when shes home, she leads a very interesting life, and me and her mum are really proud how shes turned out.
At the minute i am so laid back the difference between then and now is light years apart.
I think i am entering a new faze of my recovery, i accepted this disorder a while ago, no i mean I truly accepted it, and am very relaxed and at peace, which usually means a spanner in the works is coming, if it does we will worry about it and sort it when it does.
So what comes next? where do i go from here?
100 Weeks gamble free, i did not think it was possible, but certainly glad it was.
sooo many positives in such a short chapter of ur life......100 weeks will be amazing.....well done on all those aspects of ur life mate and thanks for the continued support.....lets make this a great christmas and round off 2023 as a really succesful year adam
Lids,
What a fantastic, well written post. I still think about gambling occasionly but rather than relating it to something fun or exciting I think about how awful life was back then. I certainly wouldn't swap the life I have now for those dark days. It's taken time but when I look at myself now I can actually see things I like.
I look back with fond memories of our many conversations, like you & your daughter sometimes we had different views yet respected each others opinions with good will & tollerance. Last August I went to Cuba with my wife & what a difference, not sneaking away checking my phone for results or trying to place a bet, chasing losses.
I loved every minute & for once learned a little about the people & the culture of the country I was visiting. Speaking to locals, visiting Havana, learning about it's history and the revelution provided me with a thirst for knowledge I'd never before experienced. So much so I remember thinking so many years wasted, so many things I missed out on through addiction.
I can relate when you say light years away from your old life & every step of your recovery you've described makes me realise how good life is without gambling & all the pain & destruction it brings. Keep going Lids & thanks for sharing your journey, you should be extremely proud of yourself.
Sincere Best Wishes
AL
Ok so forgetting what to write in my diary as its getting less frequent.
So instead am pondering why my mind and my will can be so strong but in the past has been so weak, after a half hour googling here is what i found.
And the conclusion is (not mine)
Quite often, people say things to me like, “I have depression so I can’t be mentally strong,” or “I need mental strength so I won’t feel anxious.” But, a mental health issue doesn't mean you are not mentally strong.
So here are my thoughts (they have grown and evolved since quitting)---
I think over the latest gamble free period i had begun to work some of the above out.
Being positive is so healthy both in the good times and the bad.
Expressing your emotions is very important in life in general but probably even more so when tackling and hopefully sharing problems.
Actions - lead by example don`t wait for someone to show you the way, set off on your journey and ask for guidance don`t wait until your path is all mapped out before commencing because you may be waiting a very long time.
Turn struggles into a positive, your worst days can also give you the feeling of greatest achievement.
What is in the human psyche that makes us struggle to reach out for help? (really why don`t we?)
As for gambling it wears away at your strength, drags you down mentally, financially and your health too, but it could also offer you your greatest achievement in quitting.
Some of the above i`ve kind of worked out, but some makes for very interesting reading and i want to Move on in my own journey to start and build everything back up to where it should be. I would like to develop and grow into who i should have been until gambling and addiction stunted me.
I want to use the skills i`ve learnt through not gambling in other facets of life, it does`nt have to be some great life achievement just a solid and good normality.
I plan to try to copy and gain the skills of others (some may well read this) to improve myself but also show what collaboration of people fighting a common cause (in this case gambling addiction) can help to achieve.
I would like to give my family the best possible chance that doesn't necessarily relate to finance although it may, but more backing and moral support and encouragement in there own lives and goals, its the least i owe them.
So why the big speech?, today i am 730 days or 2 years gamble free and i want to pay my debts back (luckily none are financial), and just like the last 2 years i will achieve it and then some.
Keep fighting we will win.
No milestone but 763 days.
One thing that sticks with me right now, you may be in a dark place, you may see no hope or no way out.
But there is light on the horizon, that horizon may not be visible right now, it be round a corner after a long dark road, but there is light there somewhere.
Hang in there and look forward, keep searching, dont ever stop looking.
Being in the best place possible when things turn and get better is so important, even on the darkest days do your absolute best to get your life and mind back.
Good luck all, we will win.
i need to hear that today....been in a dark place this evening.....just the thought of grinding the dark days out untill i find the light and get to a better place makes perfect ense....i think the light days ar eliteralyl lighter for me summer months will bring a better adam i think....early early nights for the time being...self care....and looking after my finances and work until im in a better position and can enjoy the fruits of my labour once again.
Hi
In time I go to understand that I was not an evil or bad person.
I was not a weak person yet I was a survivor from lots of abuse in mylife.
On walking in to the recovery I did not understand that my addiction only indicated that I had certain emotional triggers.
For me even though I used gambling to escape my feelings and emotions it was a form of self abuse.
Pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
After some time attending meetings I gave up talking about money lost and being in action.
After some time attending I found the best room which gave some deep therapies and that was when the healing process started for me.
Some people might exchange on unhealthy habit for another unhealthyhabit.
For me it was far more beneficial to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
It is not possible to get back the wasted time I lost being unhealthy.
Yet now I am abale to have less fears in me and am able to trust more.
For me the recovery means to heal my pains and face and reduce my fears, I am far more productive in my life today.
By healing my pains my guilt and shame is reduced, by living with less fears I am able to have a much healthier life with intimacy with my self and with other people.
How much time and effort do you want to invest in to you becoming a much healthier person, the choice is yours.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
I really needed to read that right now lids, I'm at a point were I feel there's no hope, reading that has helped. Thankyou
How is your health doing, lids?
Hope things are getting better for you. You was fuming with having to cut the alcohol down, last time we spoke 😆
Imagine if you were elbow deep in action, while dealing with all of that! awful.
Hi Freda only just seen your post, been a bit preoccupied after getting back from holiday, my health well there is a good question, my last lot of blood tests were very encouraging meaning hopefully i wont need my thyroid shaving in the summer, we will see, not worrying, my weight on the other hand has been more up and down than my bank balance when i was deep in the throws of addiction. Basically when they got my meds right the weight piled back on, almost 50 pounds, and then i went on my diet, l lost over 10 pounds in the first week (unbelievable but true), and as i knew would happen piled it all back on again. So just like the gambling i ve proved i can lose it but again just like the gambling its going to be more sustainable with small lifestyle and eating changes (i will get there), i have nt set a target and lost a fair bit whilst walking on holiday last week, so i know i think how to tackle it in a sustainable way. Anyway life isnt especially good and equally not especially bad, so for this bit of my recovery i will call it a draw, but and this is the clincher i today am 800 days gamble free. Dont be impressed by the amount, but please do be impressed with the change in me in that period.
And finally and more importantly, how are you and where have you been?
Just seen this, after we spoke in chat. It's great that the thyroid stuff has settled.
Lovely that you and mrs lids are feeling closer. You will most likely be more present, which helps.
I struggle to be present. I feel so much.
It's really lovely that you can appreciate your daughter and her different views. People have forgotten how to peacefully disagree.
Jeez where to start?,
Ok its been 147 days since i last posted here, its ok don`t worry i am 947 days g/f which i am more than happy with. In that time i have quite liked work its been fairly enjoyable.
Learning to deal with stress has been a key part of the change in me and my mindset, and i quite enjoy being bored its nice i can laze and not feel guilty, so boredom's a relative doddle. I do however struggle with sleep still, and im not sure if this is still due to past no sleep and grabbing 1/2 hr where i could between games of poker and gambling, or maybe more so the problems i faced last year with the aggravated burglary. When i am alone i sleep no problem, but struggle when mrs lids is in the house as i get flashbacks to her being in total shock during the said event and with the fear and stress it caused her feel i need to protect her. I felt guilt that i could`nt protect her better at the time but was extremely ill and was at somewhat of a disadvantage. The same day i was rushed into hospital with suspected heart problems after also diagnosed with other stuff the same day at an arranged appointment to discuss some worrying Tests. Although i was extremely relieved and still am that it was`nt the Cancer that i had feared i had got it was still life changing stuff to get my head round.
So on to today, a long awaited appointment with my consultant reveals i am doing quite well and can stop the meds that should help me tackle the 60 pounds ive gained since starting the meds and at least improve my weight and fitness a little. But and a big but it is likely to return at some point in the future, women have a better outlook for some reason whilst Mens prognosis is`nt quite as good, but i know what to look out for and get to the hospital a lot earlier if it returns rather than burying my head in the sand and fearing the very worst. My antibody levels were 21 at diagnosis and around 1.9 right now whilst normal i am told is 1.5. So yes i was quite ill.
Gamcare helped me the first time round but like most of us i thought i knew better (around 2017), luckily due to getting a 2nd chance of counselling (around late 2021?) i learnt lots about myself, what makes me tick, what i am capable of and also to pinch little bits of other peoples recoveries and i am thankful to every single contributor or mod.(listed below or not)
Stace - i am so glad to see you back and doing so well, you taught me real resilience, how to truly open up and that skill that you have better than anyone never to give up.
Adam123 - i am so glad you made the steps you pass on to beat gambling so straight forward and the importance of following all of those step by step instead of just the bits i fancied adhering to. I have said it many times but my admiration of your straightforward organised life is something i don`t think you realise you do better than most.
Slow Learner - though i haven`t spoken to you in quite some time but you have taught me the value of humility, self awareness and being able to look at myself and analyse my faults. (i hope you are doing well)
Freda - pretty much like slow, you have your problems but are quite open to sharing them both in chat and in diary and the good things from you are being able to have a laugh (often at myself), and that despite what we are dealt we can improve our lot by being kind and honest but straight forward with people.
Faith - The real meaning of strength, honesty and integrity.
The day i got burgled and received my medical results showed me how fearful and bad life could be, so anything else i seem more than capable of taking in my stride.
So what now?, i am at a crossroads (again) a few holidays have been booked, i am just booking a new replacement lease car, i am resolute to stick to the no gambling. So the way isn't left or right but move on forward, i have set my course and am determined not to falter from it.
Contented but positive is where i am, and where i m aiming to be at too in the future.
Thank you every single person i have met on here, and all that could be bothered to read this post to the end (lol).
Be Positive and never ever give up.
Hi Lids,
What a breath of fresh air to hear from you. So sorry to hear of youre aggravated burglary & health scare. I remember being given my diagnosis in December 2019 & starting chemo/radiotheropy in March 2020. My wife came with me & held my hand telling me not to worry as wer'e gonna get through this together. Can you imagine the gulit knowing only 7 months before I'd confessed to 20k of gambling debts on credit cards alone plus whatever else i had in income. The next session I had a phone call telling me to come alone as the hospital was going into lockdown & no visitors were allowed,
It was the best thing that happened to me, 9 hours a day to reflect & imagine the pain, misery I rained down on so many innocent victims. Recovery is painful, never easy, like looking in a mirror & seeing how ugly one's become. So what about now ?. Well still 9th August 2018 since my last gamble. Ashamed of my past yet I stand proud knowing my previous life is behind me
You talk of holidays booked, I've just returned from Mexico, Cuba last year. What was so nice about it ?. I wasn't sitting pretending to be on the loo checking footy/horse racing results. I learned many things about other folks customs & cultures knowing full well that Gamstop would take care of everything an addict needs to worry about was taken care of. Knowing about transparency, accountability .To this day helping me on my journey of recovery.
Like you I'm happy, proud, being aware of my vunerabilities & trigger points. I haven't gambled nor deposited play money where I think I might get the better of my challenger. To this day my wife has access to my emaills, bank statements & credit reports. I won't die rich but i'll die wealthier than the man I used to be. 20k in debt battered & broken in 2018, £2800 of managable debt in 2024.
If anyone's reading remember this, you'll never get anywhere coming here because you're sick of losing. Only those who are sick of gambling will succeed. Everyone's rock bottom differs .
Keep Going Lids
AL
.
Great job lids. It’s so important that people see the good side to this. It can be tamed and people can recover. For some it takes more impact on their lives to realise this, but no matter when you choose to admit defeat, its posts like this that make it real.
Onwards and upwards!
Stay strong 💪
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