Post-DFD

Well, I am disgusted. Absolutely disgusted. 

I won't mention too much on here as I know that censorship is very much an issue but I have just found out certain things about certain websites and certain organisations and this has led me to deciding that I won't be posting on here any more. 

All I can say is that I have values, morals and compassion within my life and I no longer wish to tarnish any of my time or money on anyone or companies who show very little of those three values.

All is good right now in my life, 27 days gamble-free. Don't worry, I won't get carried away as I know that it will take just one tiny, tiny choice to change my life for the worse again. These recovery journeys of ours are incredibly rocky roads and the return of people who gambled again even after five years or so of being gamble-free just goes to show how massive a problem it is in the UK. Massive.  And yet, even with the £2 FOBT limit in place, there is still not enough support or compassion for those affected by gambling.

We are more or less on our own.

But we are strong.

We show plenty of resilience.

We WILL fight through this web of lies, deceits and madness.

We just need to know what life is like when not gambling and stick at it.

And make all the right choices.

Thank you to you wonderful people on here who have shared your journeys and supported mine. I completely respect it should you decide to stay on here as if it's helping you, then please take that help. May I wish you all the very, very best for the future and PLEASE keep it gamble-free. 

You know that you want to.

NT xx

Hey NT

i don’t know what has happened but I for one have always respected you and felt like I was fighting the fight with you. I would be sorry to see you go. I know you have a lot to offer and hope you will reconsider your position. Can you explain what has got to you?

Best

Rob

I had to share this. 

Today, I have been gamble-free for 99 days. Tomorrow will just be a normal day with no shouting from the rooftops during only the second 100th day that I will have reached in two decades. Work will keep me busy and I am more focussed on reaching 163 days as this would be my longest gamble-free run for two decades. This will happen just before Christmas which is nice.

I am faced with an unexpected five-figure bill which is to do with where I live and if I had that a year ago, I would have been incredibly stressed about it with nowhere to go and with no options. However, I now have options. I am able to deal with it. And to be honest, this is keeping me on the straight and narrow with regards to making the right choices in my life. Don't get me wrong, I am still living comfortably enough - I just can't enhance my life at the moment with lovely new gadgets until that bill has been sorted out.

The reason for not posting recently was that I was so incensed about certain people being paid a salary of far too much money for not doing their job as well as they should. And yes, this is linked to gambling. I'll say no more on that subject, I just hope that those people can live with themselves for what they contribute to the lives of problem gamblers like us all.

I am just so pleased that I have contributed to society by volunteering on so many worthwhile causes. Whilst I can't really contribute to those causes through money, what I have done so many times in my life is to contribute my time. A few more volunteering roles were done since my last post and I came away from those feeling that I used my time incredibly productively.

That'll do for now. I am still so incensed by what I found out a few months ago that I won't be posting as often as I would like. But I do like to keep an eye on how everyone is doing.

Until then, all the very best to you all and keep making the right choices for yourselves.

NT

The 100th day was reached but the 163rd day is no longer reachable in 2019. 

Yes I relapsed but it was only for three successive days. The first day was a fairly small loss, the second day was one where I 'satisfied' my urges and lost £500 and the third day yielded a very small profit but enough to enjoy a lovely pub meal whilst I was out and about.

This is a classic with the second day yielding a loss so huge to most people but to a problem gambler like myself, it felt quite minor at the time. By adjusting my financial spreadsheet, it continued to feel like a minor loss but the profit that I gained (no more than £20) on the third day was massive. I really, really enjoyed the pub meal at the expense of the bookies. Some may say that it was at the expense of other punters like myself and I would also agree to that. It's really strange how the gambling mind works and I am sure that the gambling 'experts' will be rubbing their hands with joy at my findings and starting to plan on how to spend my £500+ for themselves.

But hey. That's in the past. 2019 continues to be the most successful year for many, many years in terms of how much I have lost and this is all set to continue. I am back in double-figures in terms of the number of gamble-free days and I enter yet another weekend with no urges. 

The £2 FOBT limit is doing a good job and it is so, so, so, so lovely to see some of the bookies having closed down near where I live. I am a compassionate human being but I really don't care about the jobs lost by the people who worked there as I am hopeful that they have found another position in far, far better surroundings. The Monzo card continues to really help me with the gambling block and it is also lovely to see other big-name banking brands starting to introduce that option within their accounts.

Once again, a new year is around the corner with new dreams and goals ahead but it's not any new year. It is also a new decade and I can see huge changes happening in my life in the new decade. This is why I am absolutely desperate to knock this horrible, awful, despicable, vile gambling addiction on the head and begin my life in a really positive way.

NT

Mmmmm,

Sorry to say this NT.

But

An unnecessary post glorifying g the free lunch bookies afford us, said with tongue in cheek.

None the less, superb work with the gamble free days, now to get back to that place 

Thanks for your message, Paul.

Initially, when I saw your message, I thought that enough was enough. I thought that my views were not accepted as easily as I though that it would be. But thinking about it, I do get what you said.

My views on this 'free lunch' from the bookies is that it is absolutely, 100% not a free lunch from the bookies. At the time, it certainly felt that it was. This is what gambling does to us. Once we are in the 'gambling zone' - something that normal people and gambling establishments still don't seem to understand what it means - nothing else matters. Remember, that this was the third day of three days of gambling and by then, it was so easy to get in that zone. Once you are in that zone, the value of money becomes far less important.

Looking back, I no longer enjoy that pub lunch that I 'won'. I enjoy the meals that I have had out - the ones that I paid for using my hard-earned money - far, far more than the one that I had that day.

Hope this all makes sense and that this clarifies everything.

It's all about staying out of that dangerous 'gambling zone' where inserting another £20 note is like spending pennies.

NT

You may think that I sound like a broken record but I have decided to delete my diary thread once more. I have thought long and hard about this and I have 100% decided that this place is not for me. My own personal diary now has over 1 million words and this is having a far better effect on me than this diary on here.

A message has been sent to admin with regards to my request and I wanted to get this last message shared with you before this disappears. 2019 has gone better than 2018 for me but I still possess this horrible compulsive gambling addiction in my mind and my body and I will do so for many more decades to come. That said, I am in a better position than I was a decade ago when I was consistently overdrawn and I would gamble for many consecutive days with no end in sight. That's not the case now but I remain two or three lost monthly salaries away from financial disaster.

2020 sees a new year and a new decade for all of us and it will come with new dreams and new targets. I will be do my utmost best to make this new decade the new beginning of me and I really do hope that you all do the same.

All the very best,

NT

Total broken record mate. What’s the point in deleting your diary? Is this the 2 nd or 3 rd you want deleting 

That kind of response is one of the reasons why I no longer want to be a part of this. I’ve already apologised for sounding like a broken record. 

The thing is nt you have always had a lot of support on here. What does deleting your diary achieve. Yeah it’s up to you but I don’t understand it how you alway make a fuss about it. 

Just leave your diary incase you need it and let us know you doing alright every now and again. I have alway read your diary 

Thanks boro but like you said, it’s up to me. The fact that I keep deleting my diary just goes to show that I know this is not right for me. 

There are other reasons, nothing to do with you lovely people, but I can’t go into those for certain issues like censorship. 

Not trying to make a fuss of it, I just need to leave quietly. 

Good luck and bye mate 

I think I can see where your coming from NT.

On each occasion that I have relapsed I have looked upon my diary as a record of failure and in my mind felt it necessary to start a new diary whilst giving myself a slightly different name.

This is not the same as deleting a diary but it strikes me as having similarities.

It is your recovery, your life and your story so you must do whatever you feel is for the best.

Take good care of yourself.

I wish you a life of contentment with happy days, a bit of fun and some good adventures.

Stephen 

Thanks Stephen,

I wish you all the very best too. The future is ours when we all make the right choices.

NT