Re-building My Life

Day 44.

Torn a little about a post I sent to Captain earlier today. I have re-read it and it sounds very harsh. I thought about deleting it but the truth is I have felt that way ever since my last relapse 45 days ago.

Would it be right for me to come here seeking applause for not gambling on a horse in thirty years even although I was in the bookies yesterday betting on the footall. I don't think so.

I believe the only way is total abstinence but even although I say that I contradict myself and contradict the stick I have just given to Cap. Total abstinence for me is from all gambling establishments i.e. bookies, casino etc. Although I don't buy a lottey ticket I certainly wouldn't have a problem with doing so. I wouldn't see that as a relapse. Having said that it would be a problem if I spent 10k a year on the lottery.

By Cap's reckoning it would be O.K. for me to gamble on horses just as long as I stay away from roulette. I understand the logic in this but there is a reason why I had a problem with roulette and that is because of the excitement and speed and buzz. I have no interest in horses. I went to horse racing before and found it to be very boring. Why would I continue to go to the bookies to bet on something that brings me no exitement or joy. Worse than that, I would be gambling and losing two hundred quid per week doing this and be able to accept these losses justifying them as the cost of my "entertainment".

I don't care how bad someone's life may appear. I could find plenty to do with two hundred quid per week that would bring me joy. Most people on here find themselves worrying about money and getting to the end of the month. Imagine every single person on here been given eight hundred quid a month to start a new life full of exploring and exciting new past-times. I would spend nothing for four weeks and then take my wife and kids to a different European city every five weeks. That sounds amazing.

Tomso.

Day 44 cont.

Just sent an apology to Cap. I have been something of a trouble maker today.

Bad boy.

Don't know what came over me. This forum should be about support and nothing else. If I've nothing nice to say then I should say nothing.

Tomso.

Tomso

Fella I am glad to see you were strong enough to write your appology to captain, because fella I have walked in your shoes, I too made the mistake of letting my own personal belief cloud the judgement in what I posted on the same mans thread.

I believe you have come a great deal further in your own journey in recent weeks and I hope you continue to do so.

Mistakes are made in life, it's how we fix the damage is it not??

Keep looking after yourself, don't lose the fire you have ignited, just learn to use it in a manner befitting to the top bloke I know you are.

I have believed in you from day one, I still do, recently I think you have found it in yourself.

For that I am proud

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 46.

Lots of posts flying around regarding my outburst earlier in the week. Although I apologised for the way I went about my post I would be lying if I said I don't believe what I posted.

D123 posted he almost fell off his seat when he read the post and couldn't believe the irony. There was no irony - last year I didn't try a leg. I wasn't committed to recovery and instead felt sorry for myself and made excuses. For the past 46 days I have been fully committed to absolute recovery and improvement and not just in one area of my life. I will take the long hard road even although the short easy road is more appealing to some. I am committing 100 percent and not just part of the way - the whole way.

Captain has repeatedly tried to belittle my gambling as a "little problem". My gambling problem is as serious as anyone else's on this forum, which is to say it made my life completely unmanageable.

An old friend returned to this forum recently. I hold him in very high regard. He came back promising change and commitment to his diary. He started to post frequently, which was great. He posted on the 9th January how he came across Captains diary and his different approach to recovery that allowed him to gamble. He hasn't posted since that day.

I believe what I believe.

Tomso.

Day 47.

Here we are on the first day of February already. January 2014 is the first full month of no gambling I have experienced since November 2012. I relapsed on December 2012 after going ten months gamble free and last year was a complete right off.

Last year was a journey all the same and brought me to where I am today, which is a strong place where I believe in myself once again and know without any doubt in my head that total abstinence from gambling will gift me with the happy life we are all working towards.

Today, I also mark five weeks without smoking. Life is being good to me right now but it is reward for my hard work and dedication. We don't get anything for nothing.

On the football front my team continue to disappoint. We released more players than we brought to the club and we need all the help we can get. Not only that we have signed players who are not getting a game for their parent clubs. So loans and free signings to keep us up.

Tomso.

Tomso

Fella again a great list of why you are making the right choice my friend.

well done on the smoking to boot fella.

In the last 24 hrs you made me re visit my thread, to see if my approach today is the right one for me.

Today I face up to my demons and try my hardest to not let my emotions get carried away, because the only person really affected by them is me.

On 13/08/2013. I wrote a very similiar post to the one you wrote, I was upset and angry and felt like I was being hit with a stick, the irony is you were one of the sticks I was beaten with, at the time it caused a great sense of rage which was only detremental to me.

The result was I lost focus.

Why I write today is I dont want the same for you my friend

As I said yesterday you have come so far and I am proud to have been on the journey with you, we have come through some very rough waters and now should enjoy the calm, the rewards of those efforts.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Tomso . Fella it was not what you wrote upon my thread it was what you wrote about debating, it was nothing you said, as i said you were in my opinion used as a stick to beat me with. What i was trying to state was the way words are twisted to suit. You have continued to be made to feel your post was unjustified to which i beleive untrue. My only concern is our continued recovery.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Tomso . Fella it was not what you wrote upon my thread it was what you wrote about debating, it was nothing you said, as i said you were in my opinion used as a stick to beat me with. What i was trying to state was the way words are twisted to suit. You have continued to be made to feel your post was unjustified to which i beleive untrue. My only concern is our continued recovery.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Tomso

I am not looking for an answer to this, makes no difference to me whatsoever.

However in the spirit of avoidance of unnecessary rivalry on the Forum and for your own recovery and self-analysis, I think you should question what has changed from a point a few months ago where you supported me to the point of defending me, to now where you see me as the enemy. I haven't changed, only my recovery has progressed. Would you change your opinion of someone so quickly in real life?

It may be because I have admitted I am envious of parts of your life, or because I have recommended you seek to find out the core reason for your gambling, or because I have stated a few home truths based on my perception from your posts. I can assure you all of this has been done purely to assist based on observations and my own experience of recovery.

Not so long ago I quoted yourself Castle and D123 as my biggest supporters. It was only me who posted to you to check you were ok when you hadn't posted for a while during your return to gambling.

Day 48.

Good day today. Went for a run this morning in the rain. This afternoon I am doing a little painting and spent some time fixing my gate. In about an hour I am going out with the family to Pizza Express, which is the kids favourite these days. We do all our shopping with Tesco and I get my petrol from there too. We collect points and rather than deducting the value of these from future shops we save them up and turn them into restaurant vouchers. Tesco give you four times the value in restaurant vouchers. We have saved thirty quid so have 120 pounds worth of vouchers for Pizza Express. All we have to pay for is drinks. Cheap day out.

Tomso.

Thanks for the post Tomso.

Like I said I wasn't looking for a reply and I didn't get one anyway. Was just trying to help.

Tomso

Good to see ur ok and doin well hope all the family are ok and life is treating u well

Castle2

Day 49.

I read something on DMac's diary tonight, which I agree with so much and is another benefit of not gambling.

I am sitting here in my living room with the laptop out while watching the football. A very big and important match. I've got it on while typing away. I can sit in total peace and enjoy myself. I am not flying out of my seat every two seconds screaming at the telly cursing my luck feeling that God is against me.

Many people when they first come here explain how they fear they will never have an interest in watching football without a bet on the outcome. It takes a little time to get used to it but when you get there it feels great to be able to just enjoy the game for what it is. Entertainment.

I have a app on my laptop that tells me how many cigs I have not smoked and how much money I have saved etc. I have not smoked more than 500 cigs since I quit. It got me thinking about this. It takes about five minutes to smoke a cig so I would have spent 2500 minutes smoking, which is just over 41.6 hours, which is almost two days smoking non stop. The mind boggles. No doubt about it I was wasting my life gambling and smoking. Deciding to give up both is the best thing I have done for myself. Now I get to enjoy the benefits of being free from both every single day.

Tomso.

The less money spent on s**t the better tomso, good 4 u m8

Hey Tomso

Just wanted to say well done on the double abstinence - gambling and smoking. I am a personal pet hater of smoking!! Ha. So any news I here of anyone giving up, always deserves a well done from me.

Take care and have another lovely peaceful, gamble (and smoke free) week.

Feb.