reborn on the 4th July

Hi King,

You know buddie...I have such respect for you...you have a heart of gold. Must say that you are right about the guy "who are we to judge?" We know nothing of how hard their life has been......guess a bit like the girl forced to become a P********e..fed drugs...made to steal!

All the bad thing in life!

So chuffed your Jess picked up her award.

Your time will come Castle...you are a good man.

I truly believe in fate also.

Sue xxxxx

Another mixed day yesterday had to go do an investigation at work at another store for staff theft it was like a scene out of the bill wearing him down till he admitted it stole bout 400quid it was only the threat of the police that swung it the sad thing turned out he had a gambling problem so it was a real tough one personally then went back to my store where friend was working we get on ok but I'm still so bitter finding it so hard , positive side is dont av to see her till next sat it just hurts to see her knowin I will never de with her

Got back to flat two letters one from solicitor remindin for more money ! And one for electricity company saying I owe them 250 quid as I av not been paying enough direct debit so another blow but I can't let it get to me I will phone them up and see what I can sort out

Back to work today but got jess tonite her new obsession is celebrity big brother she loves it av to be careful with the swearing though

Hi Castle,

Thank u 4 ur lovely post on my diary, it means a lot 🙂

I am so glad Jessica got an award, I know wot a proud Dad u r 🙂

I don't normally single ppl out, but I really hope Flagg's meet goes ahead, cus u r one of the ppl that I would be honoured 2 meet, U have helped me so much on this journey, and I would love 2 thank u in person and buy u a drink 🙂

I hope things get better 4 u this yr Castle, cus u deserve only good things 🙂

I am always here 4 u xx

just sending you all good thoughts Castle x

A good productive day at work yesterday and then had a nice evening with jess , I usually av jess 3 nights a week Tues Thu sat pick her up from school Mon Thu Fri she has her tea with me those days and also sat sun one day my mom and dad pick her up and she has tea there , ex picks her up one day , she takes in usually Mon Tue Thu and I take her in Wed Fri , she's with her mom Saturdays and me Sundays he I work she goes to one of her grandmas , jess has come through our divorce pretty much unscathed structure is important for her as she knows where she is in her life , rarely argued with ex in front of jess but been one or two exchanged words , had some big bust ups but only when jess wasn't there , in the divorce I agreed to pay 190 a month child maintenance I was paying 240 but I knocked it down due to the fact I av jess e nights a week give her tea 5 nights a week , the main reason me and ex argue is money bout school fees and ballet fees I feel I pay her more than enough to cover the additional costs but she still asks to go halves with them , when I left I paid all her debt off cleared a 5 grand loan and a 3 grand visa card left her with a clean start for her and jess , why I did it I think was mainly guilt I just wanted out and didn't think bout the financial repercussions on my side , all I ever want was ex to appreciate what I did and do now for her and jess but she never has or does , I suppose its my punishment for ripping her life apart thats the way she sees it but what's done is done like gambling I can't look back only forward to be fair to her she is moving on in her life and I wish her well , for me its not that easy at the moment exchanged a few texts with friend yesterday she still continues to tell me how she feels and wants to be with me even knowing she can't be with me or should I say won't told her it doesn't help her sayin what she feels as it messes with my head but she just sent another one carrying on I'm not sure why if its to think it will wear me down it won't the determination is so strong I know it will get better

For me now life is too short I respect her decision to stay in a dead end relationship because of her son but I dont understand it I know I would av done anything for her so now when she still says she loves me it means nothing just words , I suppose the realisation of all this is good and will help me move on I am staying strong and not giving in I asked a question and now I av my answer

So today 2 bitter posts one for my ex who got everything off me left with nothing and shows no appreciation of what I av done and my friend who looked in my eyes and promised me everything and let me down badly between the pair of them not a lot of difference both selfish in their own ways

As always I write all this down to benefit me to get it off my chest all the above I av spoke to both bout but with no success nothing changes

So today I av to make that change myself stop been so bitter and move on at the moment these two people are in my life whether I like it or not that I cannot change what I can change is the way they av affected me in the past and goin forward in the future

Its a tough world out there esp if ur a nice guy lessons need to be learned and like gambling they will

Off to take my beautiful gorgeous daughter Jessica who is always there for me and never lets me down to school then off to the gym the punch bag awaits lol to release some of this anger bitterness and frustration thats inside me and then its time to let go and move on

hey Castle

Thoughts to you today and really pleased to see you have posted it all out there as you feel it.

I can see you situ a lot more clearly now and i am guessing you must feel pulled at and taken from all angles...

I can identify certainly with the situ with your friend and it sounds like it would have always been a no win for you expecially if her son is young.

There is a unique pull towards somone who appears trapped and also on the flip side it can also bring jealousy as you are soon to be a free agent which brings fear in the trapped person.

It was right for you to get out of that relationship as i think you deserve someone who is completely free and available to give to you.

All I know is that if someone is really unhappy in a marriage they will leave regardless of children.Your friend has many boxes ticked with two people in her life looking after her whereas you dont.

From experience some people like the attention of being trapped and draw people to them that ordinarily they wouldnt and its kind of like being the star in their own soap opera when life is mundane.'....but sadly people like you get hurt.

Sorry to say that while ever you were with your friend you are closing off other possibilities of finding someone who is 100% there for you...and i speak also from less recent bitter experience. I felt sorry for someone confused that with love and wanted to make it better.

If she makes the move and goes it alone then maybe in the future but i have suspicion she wont do that.

The key i think is spending time in our own company and having friends too but stabilising ourselves and finding out who we are and develop that relationship with ourselves...

.

Your key also is your daughter as mine is my dog for now as life gets back on an even keel..becasue whatever you give you get back 3 fold and its unconditional and it is never time wasted.

sorry for sounding preachy ...just seen this too many times

keep punching and getting it out

R and D xx

Thanks Rachael spot on with ur post

Just back from the gym and really enjoyed it done alot of thinkin bout my situation with friend , the bitterness is the fact she promised me something she knew she couldn't give me and basically lied so we carried on seeing each other , I dont doubt she had feelings for me but also knew deep down she was scared to do it nice house , her son money coming in and ultimately she was getting what she wanted from me another way of putting it was having ur cake and eat it ! What's done is now done the relationship is now over I now av choices goin forward somehow I av to forgive for her for lying to me and letting me down or just talk at work when av to , she is more than happy to be just friends and be fine but like I av said I'm finding it hard I think it just hurts that she didn't feel the same way I felt bout her , all I can do is to try and forget her out of work and move on with my own life and when that does it will be easier to accept this whole messy situation

How does the phrase go when u play with fire u get ur fingers burnt and this is a classic example of it , the only person I still only blame is myself for been such a fool and not seeing what everyone else could see they say love is blind and in my case it certainly was

Like gambling I will learn from my mistakes and the next time I won't make the same one again

Hey Castle..

Just wanted to say that i got myself in a pickle about 10 years ago with someone i shouldnt...became a listening ear and shoulder to cry on ..private counsellor!

I always said the same words as you.."cake and eat it"..it would be arrogant for me to say I know exactly how you feel but I have a fair idea and also felt bitter as I got my fingers burnt too.

In many ways by me being in that persons life propped up their homelife and made it better.It meant that things were not being faced under their roof and nothing was being brought to a head and I was actually keeping their sham going as I provided an outlet.

I think sometimes in that sitution people think its a predatory thing when in actual fact in my experience its becasue we are too nice and will listen and care and then it gets messy.

I believe that person from my life has another "friend" now but has remained in his home situation.

I'm no angel Castle and made some bad choices for myself ..it is difficult for you as you work togther too.I cant imagine how that must be but all i know is that you are doing the right thing.

r and d xx

Thanks again Rachael

Was a tough day yesterday left ne feeling quite deflated with no inspiration for this site but from experience I know I just av to dig deep and hang in there and that I will

Managed to knock my direct debit down for electric still paying double than what I was but not treble now just need to accept this and get used to it , divorce still no further on waiting on a letter from my work bout pensions in the end the bill will be bout 2 grand which is not good for me but know a couple who av just paid 14000 and 40000 grand which was a really messy one so I know it could be worse , still think mine will be another month or so but I can't control that

Back to work today so busy busy with jess time to think so a new day and see what that brings

Hi Castle,

Sorry 2 read u r going thru another tough time, wot makes me smile is that u get stronger day by day.... U r rite about Jessica always being there 4 u and never letting u down... I am sure u r the same it doesn't matter how down or how much of a rubbish day u have had... Just seeing their little smile makes everything seem better. I know Jessica will be so proud of her Dad and wot he is achieving and how strong he is 🙂

U r dealing with things day by day, bit by bit, that is the only way really, u r doing gr8!

I hope u r feeling better!

We r all here 4 u if u need us Castle 🙂

Stay strong xx

Feeling better , starting to accept situation with friend I spoke to her and talked things through bout how I was feeling , after we both agreed it had run its course and the timing was never right when there's kids involved it made it near impossible , I wouldn't say its give me closure but it helped she understands how I feel , for me now its time to let go get on with my life and stop fretting what she's doing in hers

Really proud of myself though as I av shown some real inner strength and not given back in , the vicious circle I spoke bout so many times as eventually been broke ultimately lookin back now it was only me that could break it

Still enjoying the gym can't get till Friday though , eating much better as well and losing weight so I know that will help me feel better bout myself got a goal in mind for that one but for now not putting no pressure on myself

Another day today and will enjoy that as much as I can

brilliant castle.....

You have made a big step there in acceptance and also knowing that it is time for you to move on...you stuck to your decision as i remember you talking about making the break last year.

just feel it and the sadnesss will pass...

there will be other doors opening for you in the future and you will be able to see them now...

you should feel proud...you did good..all ways round and for everyone concerned.

r and d x'

r and d x

HI Castle,

You must feel lots of things right now after making that deicison but like you say there was only you that could make it and break the chains that bind you.

In time you will begin to feel free again you deserve someone who will commit to you 100% and im sure you will find that person.

Someone once said to me that "Good guys never win" but I think thats rubbish you just havent found the right person yet.

Your moving forward and making progess and some tough decisions and you should be very proud of that.

Take care

Blondie

Hi Castle,

Thank u 4 ur post on my diary, it means a lot 🙂

U r such a strong person and u deserve nothing but happiness!

I am soooo proud of u!

Have a gr8 nite 🙂

Thanks Rachael , Blondie and charlotte

Exactly right I do feel a lot of things at the moment its like trying to flick a switch off in my head but nothings happening lots of emotions flying bout inside me but the determination is there I know what I'm doin is right and it will get better I just av to ride it out and I will

Got a conference today with loads of other managers so its nice to catch up with them as we dont av time to speak no more whilst at work , its heavy goin though just sat for bout 7 hours mainly listening quite draining towards the end but its a change and change is good

Off tomorrow and lookin forward to gettin back to the gym which is something I thought I would never say