reborn on the 4th July

Hi Castle,

I am one of those goof balls that actually likes snow when it is falling. I am with you however, once it is sticking on the ground black and slushy,and wrecking havoc with traffic it sort of loses it's appeal. lol. I don't know about you, but, I am thinking SPRING!! ;0) Take Care, -joanxx

The snow is gone ! Thank goodness

A good few days worked mainly but felt really in control with everything , Jan will soon be gone and like the snow will be glad to see it gone , think mentally its hard when u see and read so many people struggling with it , hopefully for us all that mindset will change when Feb arrives

Still no news on divorce still having to wait on my firm for pension info its takin an eternity , won't let it affect me though when it does happen and the divorce goes through it will be another step forward not sure how much yet but its goin to be such a positive one

For now will enjoy today thats all I can do

Hey Castle...

taking this year by the horns and motoring through....thank you for your support...I did a pep talk and set some goals ...

Just looking forward to all the paperwork and stuff sorted out as i know you are then it will be start afresh and no more limbo ...

R and D xx

Pleased to hear you are still sounding positive about things I will also be glad to see the back of January.

All the best

Loads to do today , just been to gym now back to flat washing ironing tidying then on a late shift at work and back on early Thursday so def goin to be busy just the way I like it

Catch up with everyone soon

Hi Castle, just whistling through to wish you well before I disappear off the face of the Earth again. Hope everything is going well in your life, take care, Steve

Hi Castle,

Thank u 4 ur continued support on my diary. It really means a lot 🙂

I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

I also hope Jessica is ok, I'm sure she is keeping u smiling and happy 🙂

Take care xx

17 hours at work in 24 hours , had bout 4 hours sleep so a bit weary now , can't complain as I can pick and choose my hours plus got loads done

Just picked jess up from school and doin ballet run which I despise mainly due to the travelling having to drive through all the rush hour traffic from one side of the city to the other she has a 45 min lesson then back through it all again ,jess loves ballet but think sometimes its a bit too much for her but as long as she's happy I'm happy

Still no news with pension phoned again today someone said they would phone me back to no surprise they didn't , not getting stressed bout it as no way that will help me or anyone

Fortunately I'm a very patient person that only changes if I gambled then I was like a man possessed everything had to be done as fast as possible but iv learned so much in my recovery and still learning

Overall life is good could be better but a long way off from that misery I used to call my life

hey Castle..

poetry keeping me sane for sure and also helps with expression of things in a sentence that I would take 3 diaries to say...lol

Hear that traffic jam frustration...ive got into road rage now,,but guessing not great with a little girl in the car...

May need to pick your managerial brains soon before i blow a gasket..am in a classic no win...lol

R and D xx

A really important day for me and one iv tried to plan for a while , I knew it would be close to havilg a 1000 posts on my diary as well as it been a year ago since my 1st post , it wasn't essential that the two tide together but its nice its happened

I look back since my 1st post and where I was then and where I am now and the difference is amazing , what a year its been staying gamble free for 8 months after my 1st relapse relapsing again but quickly getting back on track to get through to a year

I used to count like many others do but stopped I knew roughly where I was in my recovery and just remembered the months

In the year I av learned so much , the knowledge I av now bout gambling and what it can do to me I av learned so much bout myself , linking the two together it gives me a formula of how to deal with that gambling demon that I couldn't do for the previous 26 years of my life that formula is ultimately a choice a decision to make do I want a better life or do I go back to all that misery , that choice will remain with me for life

I will never beat gambling but gambling will not beat me , that is something I accept which is personal to me I dont like to hear or see that gambling can be beaten in my view it can't for me its in me and always will be it will lie dormant for life waiting for that one moment when life is not good and will catch me off guard

A mix of non complacency and a drive of fear not goin back to that life of misery will always be installed in my brain its something I dont want to ever forget

Gamcare changed my life it gave me the choice to get help and support to start a diary I made that choice to do it and it was up to me to see it through , in a year iv seen so many diaries started and left unfinished mostly after a few posts or even one mainly a late night one presumably after a big loss the pain is raw the determination is there never to go back but then our old friend the gambling demon has a way of telling the brain its ok next time will be ok there are other known as urges and its just too easy to give in

For me support was key the only way I would get through this is by getting support and to get that I had to support others which was hard at 1st not really knowing what to say but I knew it was important has for me there's not many others other than this forum

The year hasn't been easy the emotions I av endured the ups and downs , with goin through a divorce relationshp with my friend at work but mostly the financial side of it all having to pay for a mortgage to a house I walked away from and in the end got nothing , they were the downs the ups were I turned my life around I didn't go back I stood up and fought something I hadn't done b4 I wanted that better life

There are a few people I would like to thank firstly my parents from a financial point of view they helped me so much , yes my relationship can be distant with them with on opening up to them but again I had a choice to make and I feel I made the right one but they have done so much for me this last year and I really am grateful

My beautiful daughter Jessica my life without her life would not be worth living my whole motivation that better life for me was really that better life for jess , I knew I had to and always will av to suppor her I want her to be proud of her dad and that will always be my drive

Thank u for every single person who has supported me on my journey every post has meant a lot I really wouldn't av done it without u all if the support hadn't been there I know I would av gone back to that misery

A special mention must go to Mariah Carey for producing hero this song has helped me so much the words just mean so much to me and made me realise that the strength was inside me all along I just had to find it and with ur help I did , I when the days are tough I listen and am inspired every time so thank u so much

Even after a year I'm and always will be as good as my last bet free day I will carry on and make the right choices in life and what ever is thrown my way I will fight that is in me and always will be

Castle.

Fella i doff my cap to you my friend.

You have come a long way, a journey which has been hard fought.

One which today you reap the benefits of wholesale.

Just for today

be proud you earnt it.

Today in tribute to you i will humm that song

"hero".

Duncs stepping forward never back.

hey Castle..brilliant post there..

just wanted to pop in and say a big well done and you should be proud of yourself for remaining stroong and solid after what has been an emtiionally stormy year ...

Your understanding of gambling reminded me of Blondies saying that the pilot light is always on...and I think you are very wise to think that way as you will be always on your guard...

I guess the growth as people for all of us is learning to walk along side our demons rather then splinter them off and pretend they dont exsist.That way we shall always be conscious and responsible for our actions and even with blips we can get up and back on the right path.

"I will never beat gambling but it will never beat me'

Absolutely right it won't...

Conscious choice is what its all about Castle and nipping those triggers in the bud....I may not fully understand anothers mind but Its about turning those destructive energies inside us into something creative isnt it?

From the other side of the fence I also have to do the same or rage and resentment can consume me and I also make poor unhealthy choices and I also take grreat inspiration from people like yourself on this forum...especially the consistency of posting and also struggling with similiar feelings....Its a two way street.

I hope today you are gentle on yourself and also feel a warm glow and acheivement inside...bottle that feeling and carry it with you as you got the balance right and that deserves full recognition and a big pat on the back...

R and D xx

Brilliant post castle makes great reading and a massive well done for coming so far in that year, which hasn't been the easiest. Just keep making those right choices then next year your gonna be in an even better place.

I just listened to hero as i forgot how the song went, really is a lovely song, I agree very inspiring.

Have a great weekend castle.

Hi Castle,

That was a gr8 post 2 read, the others have said it all really!

U have supported me unconditionally from the start and that means a lot.... Thank u 4 all ur support and help!

I am so proud of u 🙂

Hero is a gr8 song, the words r touching!

Have a gr8 nite xx

Beautiful post from a wonderful, reformed human being.

Wishing you continued success in your recovery journey.

NT