I'm starting this diary to hold myself accountable. The gambling demon, my friend, my enemy has taken hold yet again.
A year since I've come out of rehab, 3 months out of 12 that I haven't gambled. I've left too many doors open.
My triggers could range from being happy to sad, boredom or feeling reckless. I'm not sure.
I've been lazy with not putting blocks in place, I'm fine on my phone and have signed up to gamstop. It's the bookies, I registered with moses but didn't add enough bookies in. If I can't go in and gamble then it will give me a Safety net. The urge will pass or just knowing that I can't is enough.
I haven't taken up enough support that is on offer. I did up to a point but couldn't look my counsellor in the eye knowing that I've relapsed. She would have understood and that is the crazy part.
I've lost everything through gambling a beautiful house and family. When I got divorced I took a settlement from my ex wife, paid off debts and had quite a healthy bank balance.
Since my divorce and rehab iv met my current partner who is the most beautiful women inside and out, she's an absolute gem. I've also made a couple of hiking mates, we go out regularly and I'm training for a triathlon next year. Rehab really did work, it's a lifetime commitment. I'm have this illness for life. Leaving doors open is the biggest downfall.
I'm currently debt free, have a good job and have a few quid in the bank, I'm mortified of what I have gambled though in the last year. I feel ashamed because my partner who works full-time and works hard, she pays for half of everything even though I earn alot more than her. Its sickening behaviour, what I've gambled she would see as a fortune.
My goals for next year are to save for a holiday( I have the money, but for years I've never actually saved, just borrowed) and to complete a triathlon.
My short term goals are to start a proper budget plan and hold myself accountable.
This is day 1, going out for a run soon. I'm going to try and post here everyday.
Hi
Like many people I thought I just had a Gambling problem.
When asked how I was I use to say I was fine or not so bad.
The addictions only indicated that when I was emotionally vulnerable I use to react in some unhealthy ways.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal.
My emotional triggers were my fears I could not face or reduce.
My emotional triggers were due to my unreasonable expextations of people life and situations.
My emotional triggers were my isolating my self because of my fears of emotional intimacy.
My emotional triggers were my boredom due to the fact I use to procratinate and did many things for unhealthy reasons.
There was one person that said he ws glad that he was a compulsive Gambler.
By finding the recovery program he found out how unhealthy he was.
In time I gave up beating my self and calling my self names.
For me the recovery program helped me help heal the hurt inner chid in me.
The recovery program helped me reach so many goals in my life.
Healing Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
It feels like devastating news, almost as though everything has been thrown away. That is understandable, but in truth you have made massive headway. You personal life away from gambling looks fantastic, you dragged yourself back up. Plus you realise the mistakes made. Go again, just as you do in your sporting hobbies. When it gets tough you find a way to push on. You have got this, look at the end goal and go for it.
I have relapsed again today after 40 days. Back in more debt, back to taking out more loans. If we didn’t gamble we wouldn’t be in the mess.
Keep your head up and stay strong. We can’t give in because the more we play the more we lose.
Hello Jee95,
Thank you for sharing your experiences here.
It seems that you have experienced a recent relapse in your recovery journey. It can be tough space to be in however you seem to be staying strong and actively reaching out for support through our forums as well as supporting other forum users too! Well done for coming into this space for support and also to give others support too.
We are here to support you and also provide a listening space to help you take action on how you can overcome this should you wish to. We provide 1:1 support - please do contact us through to our helpline to speak to one of our advisers for a debrief or if you want to access more of a 1 to 1 support through GamCare. Our helpline is open 24/7 and you can contact us via call on 0808 8020 133 or go through our website and chat to someone.
If you wish to access more peer to peer support then please do join our chatrooms too where you can connect with others going through a similar journey to yourself here: https://community.gamcare.org.uk/chatrooms/ .
Best wishes,
Brielle
Day 2. Thankyou for all the kind messages of advice and support
Today has been a good day, most days are. I went to the gym with my partner, cooking tea and probably watch a movie later, a normal day. Tomorrow we've planned a walk in the evening if the weather's nice.
I'm fortunate that I haven't got any debt this time and although I've.wasted a huge chunk of money, I can move forward. I just know all too well that I could be back to how things were. Perhaps I enjoy the chaos and the ducking and diving ( actually I dont) and just want to enjoy a peaceful life.
I'm making plans for this week to occupy myself and will compile a list of bookmakers within a 50 mile radius to add to moses on saturday. I will also see what other venues I can exclude from ie ... service stations, casinos and arcades. This may take a while, I just need to stay strong.
I'm so sorry for what people are going through with this addiction, I was looking at 40 years to pay off my debts and literally had no money. I'm lucky in the sense that I have a fresh start. It would be so easy for me to be back to square 1.
My partner knows about my gambling addiction but I feel like I can't tell her. Not because she would be angry, she would be extremely worried about me.
@faith-777 Thanks for your kind message.
Life is great without gambling. All the work I've put in to try and build a future, I can't let that be for nothing.
I just need to occupy my time with activities and close all the doors to gambling.
Here's to a gamble free future, 1 day at a time:)
@jee95 sorry your going through this. I've been in the situation of borrowing and spending every penny. Money can be sorted, if you stop.
When you think things can't get worse, they really can.
You can be gamble free again and things will get easier.
@gadaveuk Thanks for your message . I attended a program and counselling sessions and I agree it works.
I've become complacent and that's what I need to address.
Without gambling life is good.
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