Well where do I start, back in 2014 my gambling addiction really started to take over, I was gambling at work, before and after work and pretty much around the clock. I always felt that I had been disciplined with my gambling, sticking to what I knew which was horse racing. Soon enough while I was waiting to watch my race I would play the machines. I had a big win years back and I suppose thats where my addiction to these started. I had always kept a diary of my racing and had turned a profit for a few years, they were all wiped out withing months of playing the machines. I would stand there feeding the machine and feeding my addicton, that would lead to me betting bigger and more often on horses and football and we all know where there spirals to.
May 2014 and I literally couldn't see, I was driving and betting, on the way from the gym to the barbers I was betting on horses, playing roulette and I felt like my head was spinning quicker than the roulette wheel. If someone had told me I passed out for a while I wouldn't be suprised. I got home and carried on gambling, my life savings GONE. I had to do something, I went to my mum and had to tell her what I had done and what my life had become, then to my brother and then to my girlfriend. This was literally the hardest day of my life, the relief of sharing my problem was enourmous. Months went by and I felt great, my family were worried but I had no urge to bet and I was saving back the money that I had gambled.
Fast forward to April 2015, the Cheltenham festival had passed and although I watched the racing I didn't place a bet after attending for 9 years. Then April came around and for some reason i went into the bookies, I put some change in a machine and walked out with a few extra pounds, I thought...thats it, i may have gambled but I have walked out of there. Few days running and it was the same, then I lost, like everyone does, then im at the cash machine. Then im at the bank. I stopped and then it slowly snow balled.
January 2016... I have bult up some of my savings that I have lost. Then my long term relationship ends, I dont know what to do and I find myself spending all my spare time back in the bookies, im up and down and so are my emotions. Somehow i find myself with a lot of cash that I have accumalated, due to my shifts the only time i can deposit any of this is on a Monday, the problem being its now 8pm on a Monday evening, this goes by for a few weeks, up, down, up down and no money deposited into the bank. I know what im doing is so wrong but im back into the trap... I CAN'T STOP. Roulette, horses, dogs, football.
As everyone here knows there is only one winner, down, down, down all of a sudden im back at the cash machine, out of one machine and into another, this is repeated for a week or two.
Thursday 14th April. A bit like May 2014 im betting on everything and anything, I have been working so hard to earn money and put more than a weeks wages on a horse, SECOND. Back to the machines, I might as well of set fire to the money, it might have taken longer to burn.
THATS IT. Im shaking, I can't do it any more. All the memories of the pain i have caused are back, all i can do is think about that money that i have gambled, what i can have done with that cash i had.
Friday 15th April, its not easy after a sleepless night thinking what have I done, how can I win back that money, I can't thats why I am here. Im looking at races but Day 1 is over. NO BET.
Saturday 16th April, ah a Saturday, lots of racing and lots of football. Im at work, its quiet and I look at the fixtures. I leave my wallet at home and i have self excluded. DAY 2 NO BET.
Sunday 17th April, I have been to the gym and I left my wallet at home, im thinking if i can just win back a little bit of that money i can bank it tomorrow. The sun is shining and my mind is clear, I know it won't go that way so I am here. I have my health and I have good friends and family. I can do this, 1 day at a time. It might only be early afternoon but I want to do this, I dont want to live this lie any more.
With the support of this forum I want to help other and support those that have gone through what I have, it isn't worth it. Its time to start winning by not gambling. Each day is a battle that we all wantto fight and win.
Thank you for taking the time to read my struggle.
Hi Kt and welcome to the forum! It sounds like you really want to stop which is the first step so well done for starting this diary and drawing a line in the sand!
What has really helped me on this journey is the triangle..time,money and location..break one or more of these and it makes it near impossible to gamble! You have mentioned you have self excluded which is excellent so keep ensuring this triangle is broken!
I wish you well on your journey!
Rose, could you please explain the triabngle to me?
Day 3 had thoughts of betting but I kept busy and they soon passed.
Day 4, this is the real test, having Mondays off often lead to boredom which leads me to the bookies. Today I have a busy day planned, dentist, pick up my car, transport a few house hold items and training with a friend. He's a good friend and I can talk about what i have done with him. If I can get through today then it will really set me up for the week ahead.
Day 4 of a long battle but small steps!
Morning kt93 , sooty to jump in but regards the triangle , it's basically three elements , time , money and location and by not having one available you can't bet , so having someone else look after your funds so you have no access is one way or self excluding from sites or bookies is another ! Best wishes Alan
Oldhamktf wrote:
I posted this on my diary but thought it should be shared here too
Just spent a productive half hour on lunch self excluding from around 40 bookies. Called 0800 294 2060 spoke to a lovely young lady took all my details and the postcodes of the areas I used to bet in around me home and work and she brought the bookies in that area and I agreed to be SE for 12 months at all of them. Just need to email them a copy of my passport and another recent colour photo and that's done. It can be done by post if you prefer.
Today I got an email to confirm that the self exclusion has been accepted and processed. Will take about 10 days for all the shops to get my details and update there system.
I can't see any reason why every person who gambled in betting shops should not use this number its easy and hassle free and afterwards it all felt quite empowering another brick in the wall another door closed
KTF
Apols but I can't figure out how to write in the above box.
Welcome back to recovery kt93 🙂
Drawing a line under the losses has been a key feature of my recovery! First of all it makes no sense...Surely gambling is the only way to recoup anything!? Bah, all those years thinking like that is what dragged me in deeper in the 1st place...Had I quit sooner, I would have stopped losing money sooner, it's not rocket science! We cannot win because we cannot stop but by stopping we win every day!
Location: As a physical gambler rather than an online one, the above number will assist with self exclusions.
Money: I handed my cards over & just kept one that would be scrutinised daily however, you could consider a credit card with the cash withdrawal facility removed (Barclays allow this but not sure which other ones do). Unless things have changed, you can't use them in the bookies but you can still get petrol & supplies as required. Then cut the others up or leave them well out of reach. Any reason why only a Monday will do? I can deposit money out of hours into my 1st Direct account @ an HSBC with just my account details, is this an option maybe?
Time: speaks for itself, you need to keep busy! GT has a thread called Tips for keeping busy that may be worth a read.
None of the physical barriers are fool proof, if you put enough effort into getting round them, you will be able to, but they buy you time when the urges hit! In my early days of recovery, I refused point blank to accept it was about anything more than me being a greedy cow, now I understand that addiction is an escape. The fact you went back to it when your relationship broke down suggests it offered you some comfort in your time of need. Have you considered counselling (GamCare offer it free of charge) or GA?
Hope you have found the strength to tell your friend, getting this out in the open makes fighting it real. And you have it from me, a career gambler, you can win - ODAAT
Thanks for your comments all. Yes i told my friend, he knew about my problems in the past a*s he has been in the situation as well. Im not sure how deep he was in but I was open with him and he knows that i need to stop, previously we have both encouraged each other while gambling.
Today I was fine but this afternoon all I have thought about is how i can win it back. I havent gambled. I do have some savings which have dwindled and I just think that was a depsosit on a house. The start of this month I had a few thousand in cash and a few thousand in the bank, it pains me to know that i have gambled that away yet again. Its that pain that brings me here now typing this message, knowing that if I bet I will be in this even deeper and have to go through all this pain and hurt again. As tough as the next few months will be, if i work hard and don't waste money I will have some of that back in my account.
Today the struggle has been real, I have been busy but i have missed that buzz. I can't belive that it isn't even 6pm yet, I have been so productive today as I haven't wasted hours feeding the machines with my hard earned.
Day 5 - A better nights sleep after having plenty of thoughts yesterday. I woke up early and there were a few thoughts but not asstrong as they have been. Im going to London on Sunday to support a friend in the marathon, the only thought i have is "what if i still had that money" The scary thing is I had even thought if i went with all the cash i had i would of been walking around looking to gamble. Instead il be there supporting all the mararthon runners!
Busy day at work and a visit to the gym kept my mind busy, driving home I did have my wallet and went past a lot of bookies. Not one thought to gamble, I did a bit of online shopping and before i would think how i could use that money to bet, instead i thought how selfish i had been, some of the items i brought i would put on a single number on roulette. Crazy!
Day 6 - A good nights sleep again, a few less thoughts about the regrets but they will hang around until i earn back some of the money. The sun is out and my mind is starting to feel a bit clearer.
A busy week at work has kept my mind and thoughts at bay Day 6 passed pretty quick - NO BET
Day 7 - The first day i havent posted on here due to being busy all day and then out in the evening with friends. They no i had problems in the past but don't know that i had a relapse. I find it easier talking about my problems so for the time being im using that as my motivation. NO BET
Day 8 was so far the easiest day for me, at the moment im finding the not gambling part the easiest bit, maybe down to it still being raw. I was reflecting on a few things yesterday and thought back to 6 years ago when I took out car finance and it made me realise for 6 years i was gambling heavily and im now financially in a worse position than i was then. I have used those thoughts to really spur me on, so far im having a good month at work and if next week picks up i will be in for a bonus. That will be the real test for me. NO BET
Day 9 - The first morning i have woken up and didn't think oh s*** what have I done. I am trying to be more positive in all aspects of life and trying to stop snapping at people. Its a long road but it feels like im finally on the right one!
Hang in there kt93! You sound like a good dude and you're trying to turn your life around, best of luck
Thanks Chubb, I felt I was on the path to being a better person but deviated away from that. Today I had no thoughts at all, I have been in London watching the marathon and passed endless bookies. The only thought I had was 2 or 3 weeks ago I would of spent most the day looking for my next fix.
Day 10 - No Bet.
10 days no bet - excellent news pal. I read from the start and didn't foresee this happy ending to the latest posts... i want to catch up again in 6 months and see an even better summary.
Thanks Change, the first 5 days were full of regret but that seems to have eased a little. I have had agood month at work and if i have a good last week in April then I will have a little bonus, as i stated in another post my goal is to get to May pay day and still be gamble free as 2 pay days with my bonus should result in being in a better financial position. Pretty much the position i was in before I gave in to the demons but this time with the support of the forum im even more determined.
Day 11 - Into double figures building 1 day at a time.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
