Rock bottom

Well done hope I can get to where you are

Mask, keep going. Your post sounds exactly like the situation I'm in.

I really do appreciate and absorb all the comments and advice given to me in here. Hearing from others at various stages of recovery is such a valuable weapon in my battle against this demon.

So this is day 7. A week is satisfying. A big difference this time, is that I actually have money that I coulde use to gamble. In previous attempts, it's been more from neccessity as I didn't have two pennies to rub together. This is why I feel more confident. I'm tackling this with few barriers in place. Today, I had probably the first urge since stopping. It wasn't very powerful and I managed to push it out of my mind by repeating "you can't win, you can't win, you can't win". This helped. A simple method, which I hope continues to prove as simple and effective.

I got a few things done today. I did a few things for other people. At this moment in time I'm not the selfish a*****e that I was. The burden of my debt is difficult to deal with. I want it wiped out, to allow me to put 100% effort into abstaining. I know I have to let go, I feel I have let go, but there is a small niggle in the back of my head that is telling me this will ultimately be my undoing.

I'm struggling to fix my sleep problems. I'm still sleeping excessively, I hate sleeping so long, I want to wake up early and embrace every gamble free day. I feel like all the energy has either been sucked out of me, or that stopping is taking every last drop of energy I have to do so. Regardless, I feel run down, and exhausted.

So, 7 days in, £7 in the reward pot. I always find that once I hit double figures that is when I begin to wobble. Every time in the last 10 years that I have managed to stop for more than 30 days, I have managed to stop for years at a time. Therefore, getting to 30 days will trigger something in my subconscious that once more, I am free from this. This time for good.

I hope you're all well. I will be sure to read through your diaries later tonight and comment accordingly if I feel I can give any form of support. All I know is that keeping a diary on here, is the single most important factor in stopping. Without this place, I would be lost, alone and struggling. Right now I feel positive, optimistic and determined.

Hi Mask,

You sound like you've been through the wars a bit but the fact is you are still standing. You've been emotionally and psychologically hurt but you are still standing.

Credit card debt, in the grand scheme of things does not matter to much right now. The main focus should be, rather than paying your debts off, making sure they don't increase. Focusing too much on bringing debts down can lead to dysfunctional thinking in a gambling addict - I know, I've been there.

If you've not gone overdrawn or defaulted on debts then it should not count against you for mortgage purposes, however large sums of unsecured debt on things like credit cards will count against you but only in the short-ish term.

Before I go any further, I should add that I have CeMAP so I know a little about the mortgage market!

Two things I've done, that have helped...

1) I have a page-a-day diary and in it I have a to-do list each day. Only small stuff but things that keep me productive, such as "read a chapter of a book", "walk 10,000 steps today" or "cook a meal from scratch". Doing little things helps the time go by and starts getting the mind thinking differently.

2) I put away a sum of money from each pay packet into a savings account that does not allow withdrawals for at least a year. Doing this keeps the money safe and also brings in a decent amount of interest. Many high street banks offer accounts where you can save up to £250 per month and you can't touch that money for a year or more. Once the restriction is lifted you get the cash back with interest.

Keep fighting the good fight and you will start to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Well.done on 7 days mask, but having only a few barriers in place will not be enough my friend, already it's slowly creeping in, you are feeling good at the moment and rightly so, but our moods and feelings can change like the weather, and that addiction will just jump straight in, no doors or windows can be left open if you want to stay stopped, we have to put every barrier up that we can and as our recovery and abstinence continues to grow, we have to think of even more ways to stay stopped.

100% comittment for life is the way to keep gong forwards and upwards.

Suzanne xxx

Well done in getting to the week lad, keep fighting the fight and only good thing s can prevail!

Hope you're keeping well Mask. Keep looking forward.

Day 8

Fantastic encouragement and words of wisdom. I love coming back and finding support from people, for that I thank you.

Scothed, you offer some fantastic advice. Thanks for the reassurance that my debt shouldn't impact too heavily on a mortgage at present. That's another burden off my shoulders. I have taken your advice, and set up a £250 debit to a savings account monthly. This is a locked account and will allow me to slowly build savings.

Superfluous and Suzanne. You're absolutely right, and I am naive to think not putting barriers in place is a good idea. I have swallowed any pride I may have left, and applied limits to withdrawals. I have also installed blocking software on my tablet. These won't stop me gambling if I decide I want to, but they may limit any damage, or cause me to think twice about what the hell I'm doing.

As for the drawing, you're completely right. I'm rusty. I rushed the drawing, I was unable to concentrate. I think it's still too early in my recovery to expect too much from myself. I feel run down, but that's normal after 10 years of constant torment. I will concentrate the first month solely on no betting, and then I will focus on other areas damaged as a consequence of it. I will repair myself slowly, I will get there. For once in my life, I can see a way out. I look forward to that future.

Evening mask, have just read a thread on overcoming gambling, by Mr Stop very informative,

Great to see you staying strong,

Onwards and upwards

Suzanne xx

Hi TheMask

Keep going, the gamble free days mount up very quickly, keep focused and if you get tempted just remember a day when you lost a lot of money - that gut wrenching, sickening feeling.

ATB.

Paul

Day 10

I'm struggling today. I have 5k of debt and it's playing on my mind. I want to win it back, or at least a part of, to make it more manageable. A position i knew I'd find myself in, inevitably clutching for a quick fix. I was close to depositing this morning...I didn't. It's just such a depressing thought that a couple of nights of madness, have set my entire life back over a year.

Anyway, not in a good place right now. I'll hopefully post a more positive entry tomorrow.

Just keep reminding yourself what got you in debt in the 1st place! If gambling were a qwik fix, there wouldn't be any of us here desperate for the freedom that recovery offers!

Great work choosing 'no' this morning & everything you have done since swallowing your pride! Congratulations on your double figures 🙂

Keep strong - ODAAT

That temptation to gamble can be strong. However, gambling got you in debt. Gambling cannot get you out of debt.

You can't sober up by drinking more!

You're very right. Today was very tough, it was mentally draining, but I got through. Small sense of satisfaction at not given a single penny to the gambling industry.

On the flip side, constant thoughts of "Your life's ruined anyway, why stop now". My brain is trying to convince me any way it can that I should bet. A battle against your own mind...and so far I'm winning.

I have been trying to put this into some kind of perspective. 10 days gamble free. That has passed relatively quickly. Ten of those small periods give me 100 days. I'm trying to break it down and actually be able to chart some progress. Pay day on Tuesday, and with pay day being my undoing the last two attempts I am absolutely determined to not let it break me again. I will pay off the most amount of debt I can, and put a smaller amount into my savings account. I reckon I can save the ВЈ250 and throw £700 at the debt. This is ambitious, but I've managed to make iit by on next to nothing in the past, so why not now? Seeing the debt reduce and the savings accumulate will be a gradual process, I know that, but if I dont gamble I will begin to see some positives. The next year or so of my life is dealing with this addiction, by then my debt should be cleared as a consequence. Debt paid by Christmas, and some savings for 2016. Now that's what I call a merry Christmas.

Your life isn't ruined. Far from it. You have debt but you know what, it's not worth bothering about. It's unsecured if it's on a credit card so while it will need to be paid back, it doesn't matter if it takes ten years of paying the minimum payment. Gambling has hit you hard but, to use the comparison with alcoholismit is not as though you have done yourself physical damage that cannot be undone.

The truth is that you will be dealing with the financial effects of gambling for a while yet. However, it is something you can overcome. That debt will not last forever. My suggestion would be to close the card down. Many card companies will allow you to close the account and repay the normal monthly amount. Close the card and pay the minimum payment with an extra tenner on top. You need to give yourself a break and spend the money on something productive to help your self esteem and self confidence. Save money where you can and then come back to the debt when you are mentally recharged.

It's not what you earn, it's what you save that matters.