Rock bottom gets worse

Congratulations on your excellent progress Bex. You have such a positive, practical approach to recovery and re-reading your last post has given me a fresh sense of optimism.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend.

Stephen x 

Hi lonely just had a read threw your diary , we are so similar in so many ways , your doing really well keep it up, your daughter sounds like a true blessing ?

Thanks Stephen and Vinnie for your messages of support. I replied on each of your diaries x

Coming to the end of day 16. Time seems to be whizzing past and it actually feels like much longer, mainly due to how I have recovered so quickly mentally when compared to previous times. I am so determined this time, more so then ever before and I also don’t want to let the people around me down ever again, and that includes the wonderful people on here. This time I have decided that coming here on a daily basis is vital when possible and I have found that I really enjoy the chat rooms as it really helps to connect with individuals on here. Today I joined both the lunchtime and evening chat and will do the same tomorrow. This kept me busy for two hours. 

I was quite tired so didn’t get up until quite late but I figured I needed it as it’s been a busy week and I’m sure next week will be no different. I have done housework including lots of washing up (the worst chore ever) which is maybe why I’ve never liked cooking very much. It’s not so much the cooking by more the cleaning up of all the utensils and dishes. This is the least fun part. Still, despite my love for washing up, I made a nice beef casserole today and enough to freeze half of it so when I’m feeling lazy, I can just take it out the freezer. Tomorrow, I’m going to make a large batch of curry and freeze half of that too. 

Still no urges or thoughts and this is a unusual, especially as I have money in the bank, which has sat there for the past five days untouched. Before, it almost certainly wouldn’t have stayed there for very long before I gave in to temptation. Not this time and not ever! I am never going to give my money away to any of these companies again. 

I hope everyone is staying strong and for now just taking one day at a time. 

Thats all for now x

Today is day 17. I have been awake since about 5.30am which is unheard of for me on a Sunday. Usually I struggle to get up and love my bed a little too much. 

I have been doing well and up to this point, have had no urges or thoughts to gamble until last night. Feeling a little frustrated at the minute. I had a really vivid dream last night, which felt so real. A short outline of it was in it, I had been playing a machine, reserved it to pop to the loo, came back to find someone had gone on it. Within a few spins, they had won the jackpot and I was so angry. The silly thing is, that all of the details weren’t really like any of my real experiences. For starters the amount was a silly amount, far higher then anything I’ve ever played in real life, the place I was in was like nowhere I’ve been before and I’ve never been that angry, even when I’ve lost every penny. The worst part was waking up with it feeling so real. I panicked and was quite distressed until I realised it was just a dream. Phew!!

I read in someone else’s diary about them having dreams like this but never experienced them myself before. I am so relieved that it was just a dream and that I haven’t ruined my day count. It just shows the power it has over your mind, even sub-consciously. In my days awake I have had no thoughts or urges and yet, those were so powerful. Arghhh! How do you escape that??!

Despite the lack of sleep and feeling frustrated with my brain, I am determined not to let it impact my day and going to continue to make it a positive, productive one! 

I hope everyone has a good Sunday!

Hi Bex,

thank you for popping onto my diary and for your lovely words ?. 

I am living your positive attitude, keep going girl ?

Thank you for your post @murlo. Put a big smile on my face. On day 17 and as I have said before, largely down to the support you gave me in my real hours of need. I am determined more then ever and not just for myself and my family but for people like yourself who invested their time. X

Good evening dear friend, hope you have had a lovely day. I must say I admire and respect your attitude and commitment and love the way you offer support to your fellow travellers. 

Thank you for alerting me to the different activities that can be found online. I don't have a lap top but can access most things on my tablet. I did try the scrabble before but was concerned it might have used a lot of my data plus I used to start again if I was given rubbish letters.

I will still go out for walks and I am going to do relaxation and mindfulness exercises as well as a bit of stretching and tai chi.

Stephen x 

Thanks Stephen for your lovely, kind words as usual. 

Day 17 is over and now into day 18. I really hope I sleep better then last night and don’t have any stupid dreams. With exception to that, I had a relatively good day. I cooked a nice meal for dinner, some housework and reading lots of news. Probably not a good thing to spend too much time on as it does worry me a little. 

Off to get some shut eye now and hope everyone has a good gf day tomorrow/today!

Hi lonely well done getting to day 18! Glad your doing well, I know what you mean about the dreams, I havnt this time but last time I stopped I was dreaming of gambling alot and it does feel very strange when you first wake up, the dreams of winning are alot worse though, I really wanted to gamble for days afterwards, convinced it was some kind of sign! 

Hope you have a good day x

Thank you for visiting my diary Bex.

I hope you are keeping well and are reasonably happy and contented.

There is a lot of uncertainty about at the moment but there is a limit to what we as individuals can do about it all. The main thing from our point of view is that we live our lives in a responsible, considerate and constructive manner by not gambling. I am reminded of the chorus of a popular song by Doris Day which you may not have heard because it was long before you were even a little girl:

Que Sera, sera

Whatever will be, will be

The futures not ours to see

Que Sera, sera

What will be, will, be

Take care

Stephen x 

Thanks for the words and lyrics. They made me smile. 

Going to be a short one tonight as I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Been a busy day but day 18 is done and already into day 19. Feeling good other then the obvious worries everyone is facing. 

Heres to another gf day. 

Night all.

Thank you for posting on my diary Lonely.

I enjoyed Chat this evening, I find it quite therapeutic but never know what to write about. It was good of Charlie to keep it open until 10 o clock but my brain was worn out by 9 so I called it a day.

Wishing you a super duper Wednesday when I do believe you will be 20 days into your great adventure. Excellent.

Stephen x 

I just went back on chat but you had scarpered so here I am to wish you a good nights sleep accompanied by the most beautiful dreams one could possibly imagine.

Stephen x 

Well today is day 20 so all good on that front. Unfortunately my daughters not so well so starting self-isolation today. I didn’t get time to post yesterday as it was so busy and when I went to my eyes were so heavy I must of dropped off to sleep mid-posting. 

Not going to post much about myself as I’m doing well.

I hope everyone is gamble free, well and safe in the current circumstances. I just wanted to let anyone know that if they are struggling and need someone to talk to, I’m happy to listen, either on my diary or swapping details through the admin. At this time, it’s important that everyone has some kind of support. I’m working from home for the foreseeable future so will be around a lot if the time. 

X

Thank you for posting on my diary Bex. Your kind words always cheer me up and I love the way you tip toe round the diaries offering advice, support and encouragement to friends new and old. You are an absolute treasure.

Sorry to read that your daughter is unwell and hope she is soon feeling better.

Thought about you earlier when reading the news about school closures which are coming into effect on Friday. I hope it will not affect your work.

Thank you for alerting me to the fact that learning courses are available online. The online choir sounds like fun but the neighbours would think I had lost the plot if they heard me singing my head off! Lol.

Wishing you a good Thursday

With respect from Stephen x