Rock bottom gets worse

Day 21 - three whole weeks. Very pleased to say that and still going strong. I often find that I am the calm, controlled person who people turn to when something is wrong. The only time this is not the case is when I’ve created a mess for myself. Right now I have several family members who ring me or I ring daily who are really anxious and worried and often call so I can bring them back down a level by being calm about the situation. I also have to show strength and lead my team from a distance so that is a new challenge but I have to admit, I’m a sucker for wanting new challenges so it’s all good!

Popped in chat this evening and this made me realise I need to try and make sure I still find a balance between work and me time, especially as I could be working from home for a considerable amount of time. 

Off to cook dinner so will finish the rest a bit later. 

Well part two of the evening was making dinner, doing a bit more work and then watching a bit of tv. I have read a few diaries and had to then check out a video on YouTube of the dance in the inbetweeners movie. It was something I referred to in a post and I have to say watching it made me laugh a lot. I may see if I can start watching the the whole programme from season 1. This would no doubt keep me entertained for a while. May not be everyone’s cup of tea but right now, something light hearted as a distraction is just what people need.

I thought about whether it would be worth setting up a thread to note funny clips from films, videos and movies that in these current times would maybe a good source of laughter for everyone. After all, often laughter is the best self-prescribed medicine and I am sure we are all in a little need of that right now!

Going to try and get some sleep now. Hope everyone is safe and well. 

Lonely

Hi Lonely sorry chat is closed but it gave me the chance to look at the dance from The Inbetweeners Movie. Haha it is absolutely hilarious so a big thankyou for alerting me to that little gem.

Hope you are happy and well.

Best wishes for a super duper awesome weekend of thrills with happiness and wild adventures together with periods of calmness and serenity.

Stephen x 

@lonelysoul that dance has me in bits , and the two man job bit ??‍♀️.. think I’m gunna put that on now , I think starting a thread is a great idear , well done on three weeks it soon flys by , hope u have a lovely weekend ?

Thanks Zoe. I left a post on your diary. 

Today has been a good day. 22 days finished and now onto day 23. Can’t believe it won’t be very long before payday again. I guess one big thing is this coming month as I’ll be working from home, I won’t incur my normal travel costs which is about a fifth of my salary so I’ll be able to straighten things up from last month and start to get back on track. I still have had no thoughts or any desire to gamble so I’m really happy about this. I hope this will still be the case on payday. Even if it isn’t, I have enough blocks in place to stop anything being more than an urge. I really hope it continues like the last 23 days as I’m feeling so confident this time that I can do this. 

If im not going to be leaving the house much in the next month I’ll be able to cut down a lot on normal expenditure and get some debt cleared so this is my focus for now. 

I’m  glad it’s the weekend and I don’t have to set the alarm for work, I really need a lay in and a break away from the computer. I’ve been suffering really badly today with a bad head so hoping both of these things will help. 

In bed, ready to go to sleep so I’m going to listen to a sleep story to help relax. 

I hope all my gamcare friends are doing okay and keeping safe. 

Night all. 

Lonely x

Hello Bex. Hope your headache has gone and you are feeling good. 

Your diary is a good antidote to the blues. A breath of fresh air which cheers me up whenever I feel a little downhearted. I love the positivity and admire your foresight, planning and understanding. 

I am very pleased that you have blocks in place to prevent you gambling in the future and also respect your decision to enlist your daughters help in managing the finances.

The end of the month approaches and can be fraught with danger as unwanted thoughts of gambling try to influence the minds of compulsive gamblers. We need to help ourselves in any way we can.

Wishing you every happiness over the weekend.

Stephen x 

Thank you for your kind words Stephen, they always mean a lot. There are so many people worried and stressed so I am pleased you find my posts full of  positivity. If I can make at least one person smile a day and offer support, I’m happy. Today’s post may not be as positive as the rest.

Today is day 24 - I can’t believe it’s only been 24 days since that dreaded weekend, it seems much longer then that. Soon it will be a month.  Still no urges or thoughts which I am slightly surprised at as I thought they may creep in but my mindset is still the same. I have no desire to gamble, I don’t enjoy it and given the state of the world right now, gambling is the very last thing I want to be doing right now. I don’t want to be wasting another penny when I know I could help someone I care about if needed, who is less fortunate then myself. 

I am very grateful for my current position when I hear others who will be so awfully affected by the current crisis and I’m not going to wallow in self pity about my past mistakes and what ifs. I’m more determined then ever to be a better person, to support those around me both mentally and physically if they need. 

I spoke to my dad this evening and felt sad after talking to him as he said he was waiting to hear about more information on shopping hours for the elderly so he can go out and get a few bits. I feel bad as he is up north on his own which makes it so much more difficult. I’m worried about him going out as he’s in his late seventies, not in the best of health so shouldn’t be leaving the house and doesn’t have a freezer so keeping a reasonable level of food in, is more difficult. He usually does his shopping weekly so I’m worried he won’t be able to get sufficient food. I looked to see if I could order an online shop to be delivered at his but as anyone who has tried will know, there just aren’t any available. 

I’ve decided there’s no point worrying myself and to be practical about the situation so first I’m going to buy a freezer, ideally secondhand if possible but if not then a small freezer from an electrical store. I’ve messaged someone and hoping I’ll get a reply back tomorrow. That’s the first hurdle to get over. Then I’m going to try and pick up some bits from the local stores (I won’t be bulk buying) to pick up one or two of various items that I know will last him a while, even if I have to go round 6 supermarkets to get the basics he needs, I will - I’m on a mission. I will then proceed with a long drive up north to drop it off. I won’t tell him mind, as he’ll probably try and talk me out of it and say he’s fine but seeing as he’s not going out, I know he’ll be at home. I’m doing this for both of us so he will have plenty to eat and I’ll be able to sleep for the next few weeks instead of constantly worrying about him. I hope he won’t be mad! For me, practical solutions are the way forward. If it wasn’t for the fact it was the middle of the night I’d already be putting my plan into action. 

My mind is in overdrive and despite laying in bed, I can’t fall asleep. Soon I hope. 

Anyway, enough of my rambling for one night. Wishing all my gamcare friends, a gamble free Sunday. 

Lonely 

Wishing you every happiness on Mothers Day Bex.

Many thanks for visiting my diary. I have been worrying about your toothache. If it persists I hope you can get it sorted out at dentists.

You are a wonderful lady with good intentions and I understand your concern about your fathers welfare but as you are no doubt aware, old men can be stubborn creatures of habit and very set in there ways. 

The freezer is very practical and a great idea but I really think you should discuss it with your father first as he might see it as a threat to his independence.

My intention is not to put the dampener on what is a very loving and caring gesture on your part but I think of you as a good friend and thought I would offer my opinion.

Best wishes

Stephen x 

Thank you Stephen for your lovely words. I hope you had a good Sunday. 

Today has been a long day but mission accomplished. only just got through the front door so absolutely shattered but I’m feeling happy. Just about to get some sleep before the alarm goes off again. On to day 25.

Hi Lonelysoul,

It was good to chqt to you earlier. I hope you're having a good day and looking after yourself.

Very well done on your continued g free journey.

Day at a time, keep chipping at it.

Hugs & best wishes

S&B xx

Hi lonely , just popping by to see how your doing , hope your well and had a lovely mother’s day witch I’m sure you did ur daughter is amazing just like you are ?

Hello Bex. Hope you are having a good day.

Great talking you in chat recently. I used to find chat quite challenging but now see it as being therapeutic due to the kindness and encouragement of good friends like yourself.

I hope your dear dad is happy with his new freezer. That was wonderful of you to drop everything and journey off to help him. You are a compassionate soul with a loving and caring nature.

Best wishes

Stephen x 

Thank you S&B, Zoe and Stephen. I’ve had such a busy two days I’ve not had time to post or update my diary. I hope you are all keeping well. X

Well I believe today is 26 days if I haven’t lost count so not long until 4 weeks/a month. Happy days! 

The last day or so has been pretty manic so haven’t time to come on here and even better, no urges. I will try and make sure I’m on chat this evening as it should all be a bit calmer. 

A few things really aggravated me yesterday from a stupid email with an offer and the wording in it made me so mad. Needless to say I clicked delete and blocked it but that wasn’t before considering sending them a few chosen words to express my disgust! I decided against it.

Then the expected announcement came so I was really relieved that I took the decision to do what I did on Sunday. However, there are some retailers who were trying to pull a fast one by saying they were essential- essential my a**e. Anyway, I won’t go into further detail as I want to remain as positive as I can during this testing time. 

Today has been okay, WFH and keeping busy. All is good at the moment. Hope everyone else is holding up okay and staying as safe as can be. 

Lonely x

Well day 26 is coming to a close and it’s been a day of mixed feelings. I have been feeling mentally strong over the past few weeks and trying to be as positive as I can for myself and everyone around me and will continue doing so. 

But this evening I read a story that truly broke my heart and left tears streaming down my face. Maybe it was a little reality check. It made me realise of how much we take for granted. So from this point forward I am going to appreciate every little moment from talking to my friends to spending time with my daughter who is the most precious thing in my life. Appreciate every moment you get to spend with a loved one, a phone call, a nice dinner no matter how little it is and treasure it. Life is precious and it’s only in times like these, that I think a lot of people realise this. The one thing it has taught me is that I don’t want to ever spend a single second of my life wasted on gambling again. All those lost hours for nothing. The money is insignificant when looking around the world st this time. I want to spend every bit of time I have being a better person, being there for others and making sure my loved ones know how much they mean to me. We only get one chance on this earth and I want to make it count!!

sorry my post is a bit deep and not full of positivity but it’s whats important to me right now. 

That last post was absolutely wonderful Bex.

Life should be a great adventure. The options are endless and our time is very precious. The days we wasted whilst gambling are gone forever but we have learnt a valuable lesson and will hopefully never make them mistakes again.

Wishing you peace, contentment and satisfaction as you continue on your journey.

Stephen x