Ryan's Recovery

Flipping heck Ryan, why sit & wait for it to come then? Get your blocks in place, get the money out of your accounts, get some counselling, get back to GA! This addiction is with us for life but it can be arrested just not on willpower alone! I know you don't want to 'let your family down' but you are by not being true to yourself & fulfilling your potential! Nothing changes if nothing changes...You are a bright kid, don't throw your life away!

You have my email address if you want to scream, shout, let it all out. Gambling is not fun, it is soul destroying & the sooner you accept this, the more likely you are to be willing to focus your attention elsewhere no matter how daunting that seems @ the moment!

Draw a line now, get to bed & sleep ready for your new start & getting through the next 5 days @ work - ODAAT

Really really sorry to hear this Ryan. If you knew it would happen you need to have some better barriers in place. You need to buy that anti gambling software then you can't gamble on the laptop. You need to go to that casino an hour away and self exclude. It's a really tough period for us all but you don't want to be in a position where the only reason you're not gambling is because you don't have any money left.

You did really well the first time you abstained? Can you put your finger on the differences in your last attempts?

Day One - Saturday 05/09/2015

(Only 7 hours ago I lost £2,197, it seems incredible to put it into terms like that. I've just woke up, and here's how I'm feeling)

Thankyou ODAAT and thankyou Change.

You are right Change, I do need to look at what I achieved during my last period of abstainance, I need to reflect upon how I got that far, and then use all of my experience to never go back this time. You are correct. I feel terrible right now, but the fact that I still have enough moeny in the bank to 'get by' for this month is keeping me feeling positive for the time being. Something inside of me told me it's not worth losing every penny.

ODAAT, you are right, I know that I have never ever come anywhere even close to achieving my full potential, let alone half of it.

Let's start with how I measure success. The only way I have measured personal success in the past few years or so has been in monetary terms, which is quite difficult for me to admit. This past month I've gone back to what I did in my previous gambling habbits, which was to try and 'win' money to pay for the things I want, rather than spend my own money. But even though it may work once or a couple of times, you always end up losing 3 or 4, often 5 times or more than the value in the first place. It's completely not worth it.

Even though I have been working 6, sometimes 7 days a week, I would be lying if I said it was just for the money. I go because it is some sort of socialising for me, and because I don't want to spend a whole day at home by myself. I am a very lonely person, but being at work makes me feel as though I have some sort of place in life.

I see my counsellor on Tuesday, before work. I am going to try and enjoy each and every day now. It's not worth losing a good 2 months + worth of wages in addition to feeling massively down and unmotivated. I'm going to make sure I enjoy every day during the early stages of this recovery for what they are, by doing something productive every day, making myself feel better.

I will give myself plenty of time to think things through over the coming days and weeks, I need to devise some barriers, as has been suggested on here, I need to figure out what works for me, and the best way to address this problem.

Thankyou for your posts,

Best wishes to you all,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Sorry to see you struggling recently. Addiction is truly powerful but recovery can be also. As many ppl already said - nothing changes if nothing changes.
I see a lot of similarities in us both. Mainly lack of socialising and loneliness. To be honest as much as i find work stressful and demanding, it is my "socialising" and secure place to be. I get very uneasy feeling on my days off...but spending every spare day possible at work is not really solving the issues out is it? Yes, extra money but no personal life at all.
What i did not long ago is applied for volunteering. In a field i always admired and guess what, i am in a process of bein accepted! I just needed to get over my own fears and this is gonna be very exposing job where i will be socialising more. I know it will be not easy but i believe it will help my life on more than one aspect.
Sort of help others to help yourself ☺

I know you can do anything you set your heart and soul for. It is definitely worth to face your fears and uncomfortable feeling to see yourself changing and new opportunities arising in front of you. Don't waste your life away dear friend. You're very young and full of potential. Dive in the unknown! It will not be easy..it will be hard but it is maybe something what you were looking for all along. Loneliness does'nt have to stay forever - you have to make a choice here because it depends on you what tomorrow holds.

I wish you well..i wish you strength and all mighty belief to keep moving forwards and find yourself again. You can do it - you're worth it.

Look after yourself

As Blondies thread says - get busy living or get busy dying. I choose life - you?

Sandra x

Love that post Sandra. It's so true that we all need to get busy living.

Day Two - Sunday 06/09/2015

Firstly, thankyou Sandra for that great post, I couldn't agree more with the quote you finished off with, that's actually going to help me a lot - it really is time for us all to start thinking positive and enjoying life rather than constantly dwelling on past events. That's so simple yet so very inspirational.

I haven't got much to say really at the moment. Tonight as soon as I got back from work (work was dull, my new store lead annoyed me but I am trying to let it go) I had urges to spend the last little bit in my bank account and try to get some of my funds back. But my brain won't allow that to happen. Regardless of how unhappy I have felt all day today at the events of that Friday night just gone by, I know that if I lose any more money on top, I will feel fifty if not one hundred times worse than I am already.

I have the power to change things for myself.

Thankyou all for your support. Best wishes,

-Ryan

Day Two - Sunday 06/09/2015

Thankyou for your post GT. I am slowly but surely changing things for myself. I do feel as though I am progressing a little every day, perhaps not fast enough, but I am half way there.

I'm back home from work, and despite still feeling a little down, I'm actually in a much more positive frame of mind, and feeling better about my future and my recovery.

The urges certainly haven't disappeared. I'm finding myself using my brain and giving myself reasoning as to why I shouldn't go back whenever the urges pop up.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Stay positive Ryan but then about other barriers to help yourself when the urges come along. Good luck.

Day Three - Monday 07/09/2015

Day three completed!

Today has passed by with minimal urges, which I am very satisfied with 🙂 I struggled to get myself out of bed before work, I'd say a real lack of motivation was holding me back, but things improved and I had a good day at work today.

I'm just about to have my dinner now and catch up on some sleep before my counselling session tomorrow morning. I've only got 2 or 3 sessions left after tomorrow, so I am going to plan them in the future to get the most out of them.

I'm working 6 days a week this week and next, which should keep the urges at bay, and keep me busy. Right now I just can't wait to reach double figures! But I'm also remembering Sandra's quote a few posts ago about needing to 'get living'. I aren't going to 'live' my recovery and worry about my finances in the ways that I have done in the past. I am going to enjoy every day for what it is!

Best wishes to you all.

-Ryan

Day Four - Tuesday 08/09/2015

This post marks the end of a very productive day four!

I had my counselling session today, and booked my next one for a month's time. After my session; which took place fairly close to my place of work, I had two hours or so to wait around in town until I started work. So I decided to use the time productively and withdrew an amount of cash from my bank account that I do not particularly need for this month, and I opened up a savings account with a different building society. From now on I will only ever have enough cash in my bank account to see me through until payday, with a little on top as a bit of a comfort blanket.

The benefits of opening up this savings account are that firstly, it allows me to deposit in a portion of my wages per month, and scondy, I can only withdraw from it once from per year. I can also only access this cash by going into the building society itself, so I am now safeguarded from burning through a vast amount of cash in one sitting online and at stupid-o-clock in the morning.

But of course, this recoery isn't about monetary issued for me. It's about finding something to replace my boredom. In my previous 148 days, I originally replaced it with the playstation, before then moving onto excessive amounts of overtime at work. This time, I am hoping a combination of overtime in addition to this savings account will do the trick. Of course, as with any period of time, things may change along the way, but for now I am content and happy with my progress, even though it is only the end of day 4 🙂

Right now I just want to get the ball rolling and reach double figures. I'm actually more determined than ever after what I've done today, it's given me a good feeling, in all honesty I didn't feel down once today at what had happened 5 days ago. I'm in the mindset of seeing it as one step back, but two steps forward, a lesson learnt and extra reason to never return!

Thankyou to the contributers on this forum for suggesting that I take action and put barriers in place. Although I haven't given up full control of my money, I'm content with the steps I've taken and happy to see that I will now only have enough cash in my account at any one time to just get me through the month until payday.

Best wishes!

-Ryan

Day Five - Wednesday 09/09/2015

I've been feeling somewhat down again today, it's been an okay day, I have tomorrow off work and then I am back for 4 days straight, I'm just not looking forward to falling into my typical 'day off routine' of playing the playstation and wasting the day away. I also had a moment today where I realised just quite how much I had lost and what I could have done with it. But nethertheless, as recovering compulsive gamblers, we have to put these things behind ourselves and move on!

Day 5 is nearly complete. I can't wait to reach a whole week!

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Day Six - Thursday 10/09/2015

Just checking in for today, I had a day off work today, it's gone by smoothly as I've been on the playstation and caught up on some TV from the past week or so.

I've had temptations, but I've only got a small portion of cash in the bank to last me until payday. Every time I experienced a temptation in the past couple of days, I have felt a lot more safeguarded, as the majority of my funds are locked away in a savings account I can't touch. Already in heindseight, taking that step of opening up a savings account I can't touch on Tuesday, was such a great thing to do.

I'm back at work now for the next 4 days. By that time, I'l be into double figures!

Best wishes!

-Ryan

Hi Ryan

I can relate to the loneliness too mate - it was my main reason for gambling i think.

I'm still lonely now and the mad thing is i go out lots and often around people but i still feel lonely - yet when i used to gamble i didn't feel lonely (weird and sad i know but still true)

I think sometimes we feel whole and complete by having someone special in our lives, the trouble is we need to be sorted and on level ground before we can trully enjoy that or even look for it.

I still search for the woman of my making - and in the meantime recover from my debt and abstain from gambling.

Hope you find your answer to your puzzle - best of luck to you.

Regards

LEST-WE-FORGET

Keep on keeping on Ryan & claiming your life bk! You deserve it...
Foot in front of another

S x

How you doing Ryan? Hope everything is well. Keep going and keep posting.