Ryan's Recovery

Well done Ryan. Keep it going

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Day 25 underway!

Good afternoon Gamcare forum!

Here's something I haven't done in a while.. doing a forum post whilst there's actual daylight outside.

Well, I'm just about to set off to work for the evening. I received a verbal disciplinary at work at the weekend, which means I cannot realistically progress in the company any time soon. It's a bit of a setback for me, however, my general happiness and my state of content really have come on leaps and bounds recently, I'm feeling okay about life for the first time in a while.

I see my counsellor for the penultimate time on Thursday just after lunchtime. I get paid on Thursday evening, too. The last 2 times I've been paid, I've blown it all plus loads more on top, within 24 hours. This time things have to change! I'm happy to say that I really am in a much stronger position and I am definitely confident of suceeding in holding on to this payday amount.

I'm still considering and weighing up whether I should go across to the Netherlands at the end of the year, to be a part of presenting an 8-day marathon radio broadcast (It's a top 2,000 music countdown). Financially I can do it. But I've never been anywhere far by myself before, let alone another country. So I've got that to weigh up and decide upon.

Hope you are all keeping well and best wishes,

-Ryan

32 days into abstainance!

Good morning Gamcare Forum!

This morning marks the start of day 33 in my recovery journey. Now that the number is getting higher and higher, I'm beginning to feel a sense of pride when I see the number of days I've gone without a bet.

Payday came and went without much to note, I withdrew the majority of my cash and put it into the savings account I set up last month, which I have extremely limited access to (it's a book-account, no online access and only 1 withdrawal allowed per year).

I'm feeling okay-ish I guess. I'm still filling the void that gambling has left in my life with my playstation 4. Rather than trying to accumulate 'cash' (cash never really was accumulated - just kept as 'gambling tokens' that I'd go on to lose at a later date, plus a load more on top!), I'm now putting my time into accumulating trophies on the playstation. It's not the socialising; nor life-changing changes that I need to make in my life, but it's working, and I'm experiencing absolutely no urges whatsoever really, which I am very relieved about. I believe that my most recent losses are still very 'raw' to me, and this is keeping the urges at bay.

On the subject of my most recent losses feeling 'raw' to me, this sort-of feeling is something I discussed with my gambling counsellor in my most recent session (I only have 1 session left, which we've agreed to arrange it's date at a later point). A real positive for me is that; in the counselling session, I discovered that I have actually gained somewhat of a disliking toward the gambling industry. For the past 4 years, I've felt a really strong connection to anything gambling related, my life has revolved around all aspects of gambling, such as card games, staying up to watch the bolivian football league, relating any numbers I see in my day-to-day life to those on the roulette wheel, and constantly checking odds for every market going, even when I had no money. I'd even try and talk to my family and work colleagues about world football, and football leagues that nobody in their right mind would be interested in. But those were my only real 'interests' at the time, which is a bleak thing to recollect. This time around I'm doing all of the aforementioned things hardly at all; which is such a blessing, and long may it continue.

Overall I'm in a position where I can say that I am in my strongest position yet in terms of gambling abstainance. I'm still a massively lonely individual, with deep-rooted and complex motivational problems, but I'm in a better place than ever before now, and I know that the only way to keep on feeling better as a person is to keep on with abstainance.

I received a letter of response from my birth mother today. It's only the second ever communication I have received from her throughout my entire life, it was quite an emotional experience, but I'm going to have to re-read through it a few times before it's content truely sinks in. I'm hoping to reply to my birth mother just in time for the festive season, and maybe send her and the rest of my long-lost family a Christmas card along too.

Job-wise, I've been offered a position at a rival supermarket chain that's a little closer to home for me. My main concern is that the environment at this new place isn't as friendly, nor as happy and up-beat as where I am currently. Happiness at work is a vital thing for me, I need to stay positive mentally throughout the day. I don't want to do anything stupid with my career that could potentially de-rail the progress I am making with my gambling recovery. So I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider in the next few days.

Well that's all for today, I'm working the next 6 evenings; so I'l be keeping myself busy and out of trouble.

Best wishes to you all with your recoveries 🙂

-Ryan

Fourty days and counting!

Good evening Gamcare forum!

It's been 40 days since the day that's helping shape the rest of my life. For the first time I'm actually beginning to see what I want from life, and where my life is headed. That's why I'm still looking back at my gambling problem as something that has happened, and cannot be changed, but yet the losses i experienced 40 days ago signify a turning point. I'm putting in every effort to make sure I have no regrets.

I've still experienced almost zero urges in the past 40 days, certainly none that I can remember, and I strongly believe that this is because I have somewhat lost the 'connection' I once had with the gambling industry.

Work's tough, as always, I'm still working myself too hard some may say, 6 days a week, but I'm trying very hard to give myself something to build upon. There's a few new starters that will be entering in the coming weeks, and I'm looking forward to getting to know them.

That's about all for the time being. It's such a proud moment to check this site and see how many days I have achieved. Onwards and upwards.

Best wishes to you all.

-Ryan

Let day 44 commence

Today (Sunday) signifies the start of day 44 for me.

Yesterday (Saturday) I did a 3pm-11pm shift at the convenience store where I work, and I was relatively happy throughout. We we're very short staffed, leading to me having to catch the late bus home, and from the very moment of leaving the store; I felt down, and I can't put a finger on why my mood changed so quickly. I've been dealing with this unhappiness for the past 3 hours now, and whilst there's been no urges to speak of, it's a real alarm bell for me as this is the first time I've felt unhappy since my most recent recovery period began.

Unhappiness and discontent with my life has been the protagonist for me to go back to gambling on many occasions. When it comes down to it, I am a massively lonely person, I've been trying to keep looking on the bright side a lot, and I hope that this is just a one-off feeling, and that I wake up tomorrow feeling better. All I can do it hope.

For the time being, I'm fine I guess, I'm sat in my kitchen with a porridge pot in front of me, whilst typing away on here.. I haven't felt up to eating at all tonight up until now, which is rare for me. I've been thinking things over about work and about my future, which I suppose hasn't helped the situation, but there's only 1 person that cna change that, and that's me. Whilst ever gambling is out of my life, I am in control of my own destiny.

That will do for tonight's short but sweet post.

One comfort I have is seeing my counter reach '44'. Long may it continue.

Best wishes to all of you in recovery, and may the people of Paris stay strong.

-Ryan

Chin up Ryan. You're doing great. Try not to get down. Stay focused and set yourself some life goals. It might motivate you some more and stop any procrastinating. You're doing great though.

Ryan - lonliness has always been my major trigger to end up gambling - unfortunately giving up the gambling hasn't helped the lonliness i feel, however maybe i ended up lonely as a result of my previous wasted time gambling and that time wasn't spent on building a network of friends and relationships that maybe would have meant i was never lonely in the first place.

Its the worst feeling ever - (except of course the feeling of an aftermath of a gambling episode.)

The hours we work don't help either socially however we can make changes that help and if we push ourselves we can step outside our comfort zone and try something different - i personally sometimes just go somewhere new for a drink to see what happens and many times i end up even more lonely as its a waste of time, yet sometimes you end up in deep conversations with someone new and it all becomes less lonely for a while at least.

The higher the days on the counter gamble free the more confident i feel to make new plans and connect with others - hopefully you will be the same.

It just sometimes takes it's time....

When it gets too lonely and it isn't practical to go out, i take hold of a decent book and get lost in that instead.

Hi Ryan,

hope you're ok. Be good to hear from you with an update ​

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Hope you're well Ryan!

The *very* early hours of day 55!

Good Morning Gamcare forum, thankyou so much Change, Dessie and Lest for your comments, I really appreciate the messages you've sent to me.

It's been more of the same recently, management at work unhappy with my conduct (nothing new haha!), I'm still playing the playstation, which is really keeping my mind busy whilst not at work. It's working for the time being and I'm delighted to say I'm nearly at the 8-week mark.

I get paid tomorrow, or rather, in 20 hours, and I'm feeling good about it. I will be depositing roughly half of it into the savings account I have opened up again, as I have done for the past 2 months. This will leave me with just enough to get by for the rest of this month as well as purchase some christmas presents (It's looking like another last-minute christmas panic buy is ahead of me this year!), but at least, it will be a christmas time spent gamble-free. I can't wait.

Hope you are all keeping well. Sorry to have been somewhat silent, I do check my profile daily, the day-count means alot to me and I am one very proud abstainer right now 🙂

@Change and @LestWeForget: I've genuinely tried hard since my last post to live more positively, and I'm feeling good about things again now. It's constant ups and downs as a recovering compulsive gambler, but the longer abstainance goes on, the more the 'downs' go away. Thankyou so much.

Well Done @Lest on your 333rd day. Such an inspiration seeing you reach that magnificent amount.

Also well done @Change on achieving day 66! Keep on this path - it's working!! And keep on being 11 days ahead of me!

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Firstly, a MASSIVE well done on 55 days! A brilliant achievement and long may the gamble free days continue. Ive just stumbled across your diary and in many ways you remind me of how i was when i was in my late teens/early twenties. I lost all confidence and shut myself away and gambled. Lost more money than i can imagine. Luckily i had support from my family and a councellor. However, the one main similiarity i have noticed is the boredom/lack of things to do. I found going as much as possible really helps. Don't get me wrong this means going completely out of your comfort zone, for example starting a new club or asking someone at work you dont know that well if they want to do something social. I always found too much time on your own will lead to the mind wondering.

Anyway, just wanted to drop by and say well done and if you ever need anyone to chat to im always around. I know that sounds a little weird as you don't know me but ive found the only person who understands how a CG's brain works is a CG.

Jason

Let us know how you're doing Ryan. Hope you're well and feeling positive about your future. You've got everything to go for mate.

Day 68, 4:30am (In the Big Brother voice-over guy's voice).

Good morning Gamcare Forum!

Today marks the start of day 68, and just 2 days away from a personal milestone for me, which is 10 weeks of abstainance.

I've been doing more of the same recently, plenty of overtime at work, in addition to passing free time by playing the playstation. I really feel as though I am genuinely growing in confidence as a person though. I had no intentions whatsoever of attending the christmas party for our little convenience store where I work, but in the past couple of days I've decided that I will go along. The Christmas party is this evening. As somebody that doesn't drink, and that hasn't really done anything like this in the past, it's pretty nervous for me, in a daft sort of way. Gambling turned me into a massive recluse, but I've decided to go along, and to do something a little different. A couple of very good colleagues unfortunetely left our store in the past month or so, and a few new ones have joined, so I suppose it's only right to attend and make an effort.

Thankyou @Change for your post, for the time being I'm filling my time very well and urges are non-existent to say the least. It's disheartening to see your most recent run of days come to an end, but you really achieved so much - you've been such an inspiration to me on this journey - keep your head up, keep fighting, you can rack those days up and infinite more on top!

@Jason, I couldn't agree more, us complusive gamblers are the only people that can understand what each other is going through, I'm a massive believer that our brains do work very differently to everybody elses. Thanks for your positive comments, I am here for you too, we all are, there are many parallells (however that word is spelt) and many similarities within all complusive gamblers stories and journeys, boredom being a key area for concern, as you have highlighted. I went to play snooker on Friday with my father for the first time in a good few months, and felt myself regaining some of my life. It's been all work recently, so it was nice to play some snooker, and despite getting beat to nil in frames, really enjoyable! You are right about going out of the house as much as possible. I hope it's working for you.

My last ever counselling session has been pencilled in for the Wednesday just before Christmas. Depositing into the savings account, which I have no access to, has been working a charm for me. I've got just enough money in my account to pay for christmas presents and food til my next payday.

It's a blessing to see the counter reach day 68.

Best wishes, happy Wednesday 🙂

-Ryan

Good work Ryan and great to see things are going so well for you.

Also, glad you are going to the work xmas party. Within 10 minutes of being there im sure you will start to relax and enjoy yourself. If not its another thing you have done and a confidence booster none the less. Keep up the good work buddy 🙂

How did the party go mate? Was it good fun in the end? Hope everything good at your end.