Ryan's Recovery

Ryan93 wrote:

Day two completed.

This was a day two unlike any other before. I will apologise in advance for using gambling terminology in the next paragraph, I am aware it may not be tasteful to use such words on a recovery diary, but I do wish to explain just what was going off in my head, and how I have dealt with it.

I really had to battle off some urges at a couple of points today, the gambling devil was in my ear, attempting to talk me into placing an audacious long-shot bet in an attempt to somehow claw some of my losses back. I did, regretfully, find myself on an odds comparison website, but there was absolutely no way I was going to let these urges get the better of me, and I quickly strayed away from such thoughts.

Every other time I have attempted recovery, I've never had to deal with these kinds of urges this early on, so perhaps this could be considered to be the first mental accomplishment of my most recent recovery journey.

Thankyou Change and GT for your posts, I really appreciate your thoughtful messages, and I wholeheartedly agree with your suggestions. It is true that I am reluctant to install blocking software on my mac and my phone, and there really are silly excuses as to why I haven't installed them, such as the inability to check live football scores, as well as live streaming for snooker and such. It's one to think about, and I know it's something I should look into. Having said that, I do have some reasons to be proud, and my regular deposits into the savings account have limited the damage I have been able to do to myself in this past month or so.

It was very interesting to read your most recent post GT, relating to your 5-point action plan. I found it very useful, it's fantastic to see you measuring your own success against your list of objectives. Many congratulations for completing all 5 parts of it throughout January.

I've left you a little post on your own thread Change, my heart goes out to you, thankyou once again.

I'm working a 3-11 shift this evening, and I am in the process of setting up 2 more days where I will be playing snooker next week, one with a friend at work, and the other with a family member. I am paying particular focus toward breaking into the time aspect of the triangle you referred to GT, as this is the most crucual element for me to resolve. Hopefully, by working 5 of the next 6 days, I have addressed the 'time' element for the next 2 weeks or so. Boredom has been my excuse for many of my recent relapses, so I am keen to address this, keep myself occupied, and keep the urges at bay.

Hope you have all had productive and gamble-free weekends, I'm sending my best wishes to you all.

-Ryan

Recovery isn't easy Ryan. I wish it was but there's a lot of help out there. Grab hold of it with all your might. Recovery is possible through Abstinence. Keep working on it. Thinking of you. Tri

Days 4 and 5 completed!

Tuesday was a little different, I spent most of the day with an old female friend I used to talk to from roughly 6 months ago, so that was a nice distraction from the world of gambling, and also awesome to catch up with somebody I used to know. I'm finding myself becoming a little more sociable too in recent times, which I will take as a real positive sign that I'm slowly but surely getting my life back on track.

I worked an evening shift yesterday, however, as I woke up I experienced some fairly strong urges again to bet on one of the snooker players to win the current tournement. I was the same 'bet' I was weighing up on day 2 of my recovery. However, I once again refused to let the urge get the better of me, I couldn't bet on it online anyhow due to account closures, and I am very proud to have stayed away from the temptations once again. It's another test that I've seen by already in this recovery journey, and I'm really determined to keep on going from strength to strength.

It feels like more than 5 days, that's all I can say.. which I suppose it a good thing!

Best wishes with all your recoveries,

-Ryan

Day 11

The only positive I can feel right now is that I've made it to day 11..

I've battled off a fair few urges whilst the snooker was on the telly last week, the player I succesfully avoided backing made it all the way to the final and then got beat, so I was in two minds during the whole tournament about how to feel really.

Management have been making me feel more than worthless at work this week, and yesterday was another low point. I work in a small convenience store in my local city centre, and right at the begining of my 3-11pm shift yesterday they called me into the office to do a 'progress review' on me, and they proceeded to take almost two hours, proper laying into the fact I was 7 minutes late once a few months ago, as well as telling me I am sometimes 'slow', and criticising me for sometimes not staying on-task. Of course, I disagreed, and attempted to tell them all the good points about myself, but I wasn't given an opportunity to speak, let alone change their opinions. At the end of the day, I'm working a minimum wage job, it's hardly the most complicated or serious job in the world, I work my absolute back side off in that place and I really feel as though I'm being pushed way too far, and, quite honestly, bullied around by the manegement. I don't know whether they are trying to force me out, or stop me progressing in the company.

But either way, the past few days have been the first time in a good few months that I've seriously questioned whether it's actually worth living at all. Today I woke up in a good frame of mind, got myself ready and went to bus stop to wait for the bus into town, only to wait over 45 minutes in the freezing cold and for it not to turn up. I was on my way to do a little shopping and see a couple of colleagues I hadn't seen for a while. So anyway, I've come back home, played a few facebook games, and put some music on, but it's beyond frustrating knowing that I am destined to spend another whole day in isolation and by myself.

In a couple of weeks time I'm expected to look after my nephew on early weekday mornings, and then somehow go to work til the early hours of the morning. There's nothing I can do really to get out of doing this, it's kind-of an expectation by my family. It's going to be 6 weeks of no sleep and proper hell. No matter how hard I look, the future holds absolutely nothing for me, I'm not a good person whatsoever, I've only ever done 1 thing to make myself proud (My 1st class degree I achieved 2 years ago) and it's turned to s**t, just like everything else. I've got nobody I consider to be a friend, my birth mother wrote a letter to me over 6 months ago and I still haven't replied, I lack so much motivation to do anything, and I've got myself into a place where it takes a good couple of hours to get out of a bed on a morning because there's just nothing worth getting up for.

Hopefully tomorrow I will get force myself to wake up and go play some snooker with a colleague from work. Here is the thing.. everything seems just so dull and boring to me right now.. I even got bored during the time I was spending catching up with the old friend I was talking about in my last post. I guess the dullness of everyday life is so prominent to me right now because my recent relapse into the world of gambling has destroyed the way I perceive fun. I'd be lying if I said a day has gone by in the past 11 days where I haven't had some sort of urge. The devil on my shoulder was telling me to withdraw everything in my savings account and have a big all or nothing blowout, but the sensible side of me is keeping me grounded, and there's no way I'm going to let this s**t situation get any s*****r. Hopefully the next few weeks see me reach a more stable and happy frame of mind, but right now I'm a million miles away from reaching that point.

Edit: I'd just like to add, I'm still in an okay frame of mind in relation to my recovery, I aren't in any danger of placing a bet any time soon and breaking my recovery. The money I have in savings cannot be touched without going into my building society and giving them notice, and I have such little funds in my bank account it wouldn't be worth gambling with, so until I get paid in 10 days time I am virtually unable to bet. I just need to get everything outside of gambling in order.

Happy Tuesday,

-Ryan

Start of Day 12

I made the rest of my Tuesday evening quite productive, watched some snooker qualifiers on a dodgy online stream, but never once checked any odds or anything, just purely for enjoyment. I also submitted an application for a job - the first time in absolutely ages! I think part of me just wants to move on, however, it's going to be very difficult to find one that's based around my degree, because I'm nowhere near as clever as I am trying to make out in my c.v. 😉

Well, tomorrow I am going to play some snooker with a colleague from work. We've played twice before, both times in January, and I'm feeling good about it - really hope I can set a new high break for myself.

I'm then working Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings, and the Snooker Shootout is on the telly at the weekend. Things are hopefully looking up for the short-term.

Let's see what this week brings.

Stay safe,

-Ryan

Day 12 Complete

Today's been a good day, I'm working the next 3 days, which may increase to the next 5 days if I end up covering a colleagues shift. We didn't play snooker for as long as I was expecting this afternoon, but it was still very enjoyable and I reached a new all-time high break (I had a real feeling I would!). The buzz of playing well in a frame of snooker, is far greater than any feeling I've experienced from a 'win' whilst gambling.

I'm back home now, watched the FA Cup Semi final, and now switched on the playstation for a short while before I take a lie down.

Good luck with your recoveries,

-Ryan

All sounds more positive Ryan. China Open qualifiers are always a poor watch. I focus really on worlds, uk, masters and welsh open which is broadcast on BBC Wales. German Masters can be decent and also Riga but I don't enjoy the others. The shootout goes against everything I view good about snooker so I just take it as a bit of fun... I may try and watch some though! Get looking at some other job applications... you need to move on and have a fresh start. I think it could really help you kick on.

Day 13 signed off!

I worked at a different store today, which went well, my day hasn't been too bad.

I've also made an effort to start typing up a letter to send off to my birth mother, who I haven't replied to for almost 6 months now.. I feel so guilty for leaving it so long, but I guess now is far, far better than never. I'm very proud that I've made a start on it, it's giving me a belief that I am starting to be able to motivate myself again, especially as it comes just after completing the job application I just about forced myself to complete a few days ago.

My gambling has destroyed my motivation in the past 2 years to the point where I've let myself, my surroundings, and my relationships with other people deteriorate. My bedroom inparticular is an unorganised and heavilly cluttered mess, my personal health is beyond a joke for a 22 year old, and my relationships with other people.. well, I hardly know any people, but the relationships I do have aren't exactly on amazing terms. I just hope that by forcing myself into doing some small things that I've constantly been putting back, I am somehow able to improve some, if not all aspects of my life. But that's a long-term goal. For now, all I can do is keep on abstaining, and keep on pushing myself that little bit further each day. Baby steps, that's what they say.

I agree with what you say @Change, I suppose as it's the early days of my recovery I'm just looking for anything to keep away the thoughts of gambling, sure, the China Open Qualifiers are anything but a good watch, but I somehow enjoyed it, and it kept me busy. I love the snooker shootout as a format, even visited Blackpool a couple of years ago during Saturday's play, I wonder if Reading will prove to be a decent host? I even think it rubbed off on my own snooker ability by watching the pro's play in the qualifiers, as I played quite well in patches for a change the following day 🙂 Thankyou, I will really keep up with the job applications as and when I find ones that I believe are the right match for me. It's heartwarming to see us both racking up the days, and so close to each other in our days abstained. Long may it continue.

Hope you are all well, and have a wonderful weekend,

-Ryan

17 days and counting

I was waiting for the bus to work yesterday (Sunday) and really felt such a sense of pride when I realised that I'd made it 16 days without a bet. It doesn't hurt as much to think about just quite how much I've lost on this most recent slip. I've pretty much gotten over it, which I'm happy about.

I am playing snooker twice this week, on Tuesday and Wednesday, against my father and against a friend from work. I can't wait, and all this snooker wouldn't be possible if I was still gambling, so there's one positive.

I served a well-hearted homeless lady at work today (unfortunately, we get many opportunistic homeless people stealing from us at work, however, this lady pops into our store quite frequently, she never steals anything, but she clearly isn't in the best of health). She was visibly quite upset, what with it being valentines day, and she told me that her partner hadn't spoken to her all weekend. She told me she's always putting other people first, and that it's time she started putting herself first. She was 5pence short of getting herself an affordable drink for the evening (I won't go into detail about what she bought, that's not important right now), but she wasn't happy with herself for being short, and despite me saying it wasn't a problem, she told me she'd pop back tomorrow and make up the amount. I took time to talk with her, and allow her to tell me about her problems with drinking, she admitted she had a alcohol problem, and told me about how she just isn't able to stop. Having been a compulsive gambler for so long now, I was really able to understand where she was coming from, I mean, sure, she may not be doing the best of things to help herself, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for her and the situation she was in. She's had 5 children, and not seen them in ages. My guess is that it's almost certainly because of the drink. She's suffered abuse from people in the past that she's put trust in, but she's moved on from those people now. I told her that although she may not see it right now, she's slowly but surely getting herself into a better place. She's no longer around abusive people, and she's clearly understanding of her problem. I agreed that she needs to start putting herself first, and I told her to look after herself for the evening. Upon reflection, perhaps I shouldn't have served her the alcohol, I could hold my hands up and say that I am in the wrong for serving a lady who has admitted to having an alcohol addiction. But I am the last person in the world that would wish to upset somebody, and there's many other shops around the city centre that she could have purchased alcohol from. I didn't want to add to the upset she was clearly experiencing. Hopefully soon she will find it within her to help herself. As compulsive gamblers we see addictions in a different light to ordinary people. It would be amazing to see her feeling happy and upbeat if she pops into the store sometime this week, or next. I don't know whether I should suggest that she seeks help, I don't want to upset her by suggesting things she's not comfortable with, but at the same time I don't want to not do anything at all (Hope that makes sense).

Payday for me is this Thursday evening. It's really important that I get myself into town on Friday and deposit the majority of that money into my savings account where it cannot be touched, there can't be any excuses.

I'm sat watching the snooker shootout at the moment, that I recorded whilst I was working. I'm feeling okay at the moment. I'll be working an 8 hour shift this evening (Monday) and then I'l have 2 days off, having worked the last 5.

Best wishes to you all with your recoveries.

-Ryan

"I haven't gambled for 18 days"

That's what my profile says. Happy days.

I bought some proper food for myself today during my break at work, and I've just had some of it for dinner, rather than the basic food stuffs I've been having recently. I get myself into a frame of mind that I need to punish myself after I've lost substantial amounts of money, and one of those ways is to cut back massively on the amount I spend on food. But I went and bought some today and cooked it for myself when I got home, and I didn't feel as though I needed to 'win' funds to pay for it, or anything even remotely like that. Long may that continue.

I'm watching the highlights of the Welsh Open snooker at the moment, and I've got the next 2 days off work.

Take care,

-Ryan

Day 20

I'm just about to set off to go to work, til 11pm this evening, and I'm feeling proud to have reached day 20. Tonight I get paid, so tomorrow I must transfer some of that money into the account I have no access to.

My payslip says I've been paid wrong by over 15 hours worth, and unfortunately for me, the colleague who does payroll is far the friendliest person in the world, so I've got to deal with that this afternoon I guess..

Other than my pay issue, thankfully, all is good for the moment. I've experinced very few urges, and I've played snooker alot for the last 2 days. Now I'm working the next 5 days, so let's see what these days ahead bring.

Happy Thursday,

-Ryan

Start of Day 22

Good Morning Gamcare Forum'ers!

The last 2 days haven't been too bad to me, I've been doing the usual really, watching the snooker, and working. Since I got home from work I've played 30 minutes of what seems to be quite an emotional, story-based game, called 'Life is Strange'. Hopefully it won't bring back any unwanted memories for me as it unfolds.

I'm working this evening, as well as Sunday evening, before having 3 days off. I'm hoping to fill my days off by playing some snooker. Playing snooker is really helping me keep busy and stopping me from boredom, which I have identified as being the key catalyst leading toward my recent relapses.

I'm still feeling reluctant to set any time-specific aims for myself in this recovery, I've said before that I want to reach 100, or to reach a year.. but right now, I'm really taking everything as it comes, and every day without a bet is a bonus. There's a million reasons to never go back, and those reasons are at the forefront of my mind right now. I'm happy to say I feel comfortable in abstainance at the moment, long may it continue.

Have a wonderful weekend,

-Ryan

Thanks for your post Ryan - how you doing?

Hey Ryan? How you doing? You forgotten about us? We still on for that beer at Xmas?

Ryan? Check back in pal

Day 28 complete!

@Change, sorry for not checking in these past few days, I've been sort-of in a world of my own. It's amazing to see you still going strong, we've been neck-and-neck in our abstainces for quite some time now, long may it continue, I'm most certainly still on for the get-together at the end of this year.

Recently I haven't worked much, today I've wasted the day away on the playstation and haven't really done anything productive other than posting on here right now.

The good news is that I've reached 4 whole weeks of abstainance, which I am massively proud about. I played some really good snooker in parts on Wednesday as well.

I'm working the next 3 days, so lets see what they bring.

-Ryan