Ryan's Recovery

Day 34 has just started!

Hello Gamcare Forum'ers, I'm pleased to be checking in today and seeing my abstainance counter reach 34 days.

I've had a pretty decent day off work, in all fairness. Having worked quite a bit recently, I took a day off, and motivated myself to get on a bus and get a little bit of food shopping done.

I went shopping in a town which I hadn't actually been to since I switched jobs and started working in my closer-to-home city. It's unbelievable how much things change in a matter of years.. what used to be a McDonalds.. now a bookies! What used to be a crafts shop.. now another bookies! I walked past at least 5 within a few minutes, more bookies than convenience shops nowadays. I am very greatful upon reflection that I didn't experience any temptations to pop into any of them.

Right now I'm fairly comfortable in recovery, even though family pressures are mounting up and I'm being expected to give up large amounts of sleep to help out, I'm still doing the right things and happy with how things are going for the time being.

Good night and best wishes,

-Ryan

36 Days Completed 🙂

Well, today was something a little different.. I got sent home from work halfway through my shift due to a slightly surreal series of events that led to me throwing a wet floor sign into the wall and creating a hole the size of a golf-ball in it.

I was already having a rather stressful week, I did mention in my previous post that pressures were mounting up, and when one colleague decided to complain that I was taking my break too early, I lost my exceptionally narrow temper, and whilst walking downstairs I threw the nearest object into the wall. The shift manager checked the cameras and saw what I'd done, and proceeded to call me into the office, before explaining that I was going to be suspended from work until further notice, pending a full investigation. Apparently I am a 'risk to the business' due to my state of mind. So, that's my day for you.. I've had a feeling that something like this was coming, but I don't feel too much regret. I had to get my emotions out somehow.

I'm struggling to sleep properly as it is, but now I've got the uncertainty of whether I will be allowed to continue on at work. I really hope that this gets sorted sooner rather than later, and I hope that whoever is doing the investigating will understand that I was pretty ,much provoked by another colleague, but unfortunately I do have to accept that my actions we're a little over-dramatic. I offered to pay for the damage as soon as I was confronted. But that's me for you, every day I confirm to myself that I'm far from 'normal'. The good news, if you can call it that, is that I am in a reasonable position financially for the time being, so being suspended from work isn't going to be detramental, as long as it's only temporary. It's just frustrating that I will have quite a bit of time to myself in the coming days/weeks, I really need to stay on top of things to make sure I don't even come close to ending this abstainance streak.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Sorry to hear about your little "incident" at work. I guess management is coutious about such behaviour and obviously coworkers plus customers safety.
However, investigation shouldn't take long. I would assume 1 week max, besides as far as I'm aware people getting suspended stays on a full pay so don't worry about the financial situation.
Hope you can go in the hearing and explain exactly what was going on. We all "lose" it in one way or the other, but doing so outside public is a lot safer option...of course, I'm not telling you to wreck your home lol..but you get my drift.

I hope all will get sorted. Don't forget that you have a record at work and as far as i can tell, it's pretty good in with you putting hours in and turning up to work when have to. I assume your relationship with co workers is ok also. You're good young man...you have emotions as all human beings..that's ok..

Just be more careful in future.

Keep strong and keep fighting. Don't let this incident drag you down!

Strength to you

Sandra x

Day 38

Very little sleep today, was awake very early to look after the family member I'm looking after for the next 5 weeks, and couldn't get back to sleep afterwards. This is the main thing that's dragging me into the ground, I feel like a wreck and can't change my sleeping routine due to the hours that I work. I've got 5 more weeks of this and there's no way out of it, it's kind-of a family expectation.

I phoned my manager and he's suggested that we have an investigation meeting on Friday morning, which isn't one of my contracted days, or hours, so that's another day of no sleep. I also won't be un-suspended until at least next Monday, and although I am on full pay, I'm actually on holiday after today, and only contracted to 14 hours a week, I won't receive any pay based on the 26+ hours overtime I do per week. Furthermore, I was informed that my manager is leaving and we're getting a new, very strict manager. I can't change stores, because my record in the company is now in a bit of a mess. So maybe I need to start looking for a new job, one that could use my degree would be amazing. Hopefully soon I will find some motivation to apply for other jobs.

I knew these 6 weeks would be tough on me. I'm 1 week in, and I've been suspended from work and feel like a wreck. I hope week 2 brings me better luck.

-Ryan

Hi Ryan... I'd start looking for a new job. A theme through your diary has been a constant battle with work. You work your nuts off and get no respect and you don't like the job anyway. Do something amazing and find a job you'll love. Go on. Chop chop. No time to waste. See you in December for those beers!

End of day 38

Today's been pretty rough.. spent it at home but I'd have much rather been at work, felt awful due to the lack of sleep. Knowing I won't be back at work til next week is so frustrating.

Thankyou for your post @Change, I know what I need to do, I keep blaming motivation, I think it's fear of rejection too, because the amount of times I've put my everything into something and gotten nothing out of it - if this were to happen again, combined with the way I am feeling mentally at the moment, it could be really bad for me.

I've come on here this evening because the first urge has crept into my head in quite a long time, what with being spoken to like I'm worthless, and knowing there are many dull and lonely days laying ahead for me. So much for making progress. Anyhow, I know I can't go back, the way I'm feeling now will be multiplied immeasurably if I went back to gambling.

-Ryan

Chin up pal. We've been tackling this together for ages and we need to stop tackling and start moving forward. You're doing great. You've been thrown a curveball by your family. You've been given a harsh ride by your employer. Just pause for a minute and think how great you're doing. Get online and use some energy to find a job you love. You may get 50 rejections but that 51st could be the prize. You got to kiss a lot of frogs to get a prince. Keep going my friend. I'm always by your side.

Day 39

Firstly, I have to admit that there has been 4 days in a row now where I've had suicidal thoughts. I feel incredibly lonely and it's still a full week til I'll be back in work. The harsh reality is that I don't have anybody that cares about me. It's not an attention seeking thing, it's the truth.

My family are beyond the point of using me right now. They know I'm currently very unwell mentally and that my health isn't exactly great, yet they persist in waking me up around the clock to do small tasks that can easilly wait til later. So far, it's been another day of little sleep, and another day where there is once again nothing at all to look forward to. My eyes are completely bloodshot, and although my sister is starting to see how unwell I look, it doesn't stop her treating me like I'm the lowest form of life imaginable.

Thankyou for your post @Change, it means alot, and it's given me renewed optimism. I wish I had the energy to start doing these positive things we've discussed, I really haven't felt like myself for quite a long time now. I remember back at high school, at college, and at university, I had motivation, I had ambitions, and I did things for myself. Where on earth has all that desire and hunger gone?! Perhaps it's the lonely 2 years I've experienced between graduating and this present day, that have been filled with gambling myself into hell, and awful lot of work, with nothing to show for it. But I can only blame gambling so much. I can't live the rest of my life; refusing to do things for myself based on my previous negative experiences. Life is full of setbacks. Perhaps I have to find it within me to take a few more steps back before I can move forward.

Here's my thought for the day, I've taken some time to reflect on why I gamble:

Now, more than ever, I understand why my compulsive gambling could be best described as a form of 'escapism'. Previously, I have been under the false pretences that whilst gambling, I am able to forget about all the other negative aspects of my life. In fact, all that gambling does is temporarily mask up these negative emotions, until the 'fun' stops, and you take your next big loss. Then your previous problems are even more magnified, in addition to having lost almost everything. This is the viscious circle I'm desperate to get out of, and I know there are many other problem gamblers out there that can relate to such 'escapism'.

I hope things improve soon. The snooker starts on tv today for a week or so, hopefully that will be a welcome distraction.

-Ryan

Look after yourself Ryan. If you need some sleep try and get sleep. Switch off the phone and concentrate on yourself for a while. I don't like hearing you're having suicidal thoughts. That's not right. Go to your GP. Don't sit on this. Set yourself some tasks for the next day / week / month. My suggestions (1) apply for 10 jobs, and (2) go to see your GP. Stay safe pal and see you over the festive period.

PS - I love snooker and I have no idea which tournament you are referring to... must be a minor Euro Tour event. Interestingly what part of the game do you prefer the most.... potting and break-building or top quality safety play?

Day 41

It's 6:20am and I haven't slept since Tuesday, I've been laid here trying to think of reasons to be positive, or if I'm being serious - reasons to stay alive. I've got insomnia. Add that to the list of punishing physical health things I'm living with at the moment. But it's my mental health that's deteriorating even more repidly.

I don't have anybody at all in my life who cares about me, I know that seems to be a common thing that I bring up on this recovery diary, but it's the worst thing for me personally, as I have absolutely nowhere and nobody to turn to when I'm feeling the way I do now.

This is by no means an attention seeking thing. I've only told 2 people outside of this forum how seriously I am considering suicide, and they were two colleagues I work with, I told them on Saturday, the same day I got suspended. Neither of these colleagues I particularly get along with, they we're just asking why I appeared down that day, and I decided to give them a straight answer. One of them hasn't said a word to me since, and the other said 'please text me when you get home'.

There is nothing to look forward to for me, especially in the short-term future. I'm stuck looking after 2, sometimes 3 family members for the next 4 and a bit weeks, they require me to look after their babies at stupid hours, and my working hours that go late into the evening mean there's virtually no time for sleep. Even though they can see I'm struggling massively both mentally and physically right now, as long as I'm on babysiting duty then they couldn't care less about me. I'm not earning a penny right now because I'm on a near-zero hour contract, so even though I'm suspended on full pay, it only equates to a couple of notes at the end of each week. If they decide to un-suspend me, then starting from next week I'll be ringing in sick anyway, there's no way I can work with what's going on at home.

I've been laid here tonight/this morning (call it what you will), contemplating easy ways out, planning how I'd make it on to the roof of a building I have in mind in my city centre, the thought of ending all of this doesn't even worry me any more. But something popped into my head. Sure, letting down my family members would be one thing, but that's not the reason I found. It's quite complicated to explain my situation, I've hinted at this in some of my previous posts, but I was adopted at a very young age. My birth mother was very, very young, and her mother was unable to support her in my upbringing, so I was placed into foster care, and adopted at an age where I was too young to remember. Recently, I have exchanged a letter and a photograph with my birth mother, which is the first contact I have had with her in 21 years. She has changed her life around so much, and now has a wonderful family around her. She told me she thinks about me every day, in addition to many other positive comments. I have so much respect for her. Even though she sent me a letter in response over 6 months ago, I have still yet to reply. It's the same motivation problems that are holding me back from doing everything else in my life. But the thought of her being informed by a counsellor that her first-born had ended his own life, would be grossly unfair, and incredibly selfish of me. Even though I hardly even know my birth mother, she deserves so much better. I just wish I could go meet her now and have a serious conversation and start my life again somehow. But the process of meeting a birth mother is very lengthy time-wise, and I have been un-intentionally very disrespectful by not even replying yet. I need to sort this asap, but this is another issue for another day.

I don't even know where to start with what's in line for me today. I haven't slept for over 48 hours now, there's so much going through my head it's virtually impossible. I want to speak to somebody in my family but I'm afraid, I don't want them to think I'm some sort of psychopath, and they will probably say something like "oh come on, it's not that bad" - which, by the way, is the worst thing somebody could say to me right now.

Anyway, if the so-called genie could grant me 1 wish, then I wish that I can get at least some sleep by the time I come back on here.

Best wishes, keep your heads up.

-Ryan

Reply to the letter Ryan. It isnt lack of motivation stopping you its fear. Fear of rejectiion or maybe not being good/worthy enough? Thats for you to work out. But whats the alternative? Carry on wondering or make the change. You have a lot to gain in contacting her & very little to lose. Best wishes

I agree with Dan about replying to the letter. Don't beat yourself up about not doing it sooner. It's not disrespectful to take some time to figure out what you will say.

You are going through a lot right now, and it isn't surprising that you are finding it tough.If there isn't an understanding family member that you can talk to, then there are other people you can contact. It might even be easier to talk to an outsider...someone who is trained not to make judgements or offer "it's not that bad...pull yourself together" type lines. The Samaritans, Mind or here with the Gamcare helpline (I'm pretty confident that you don't just have to talk to them about gambling related stuff).

I hope you get some sleep. Insomnia is like walking through treacle and it's incredibly draining.

LB x

Sorry I'm late to this Ryan and I'm knakered myself from feeding my own son. I think about you a lot pal. I've said before that we're in this together. It saddens me to hear your thoughts. Stay really strong mate. Tomorrow if you do one thing... write that letter. I'll check back in later. Stay safe Ryan. Sending love your way. Change

I hope you're sound asleep and getting proper rest from recent dark thoughts.

You're worth more than you think. You are an amazing person.

Wake up refreshed and with the new outlook on life.. be kind to you - you matter & everything is gonna be ok ☺...it will..believe in yourself

S x

How you doing Ryan?