Ryan's Recovery

Just checking to see how your doing bud

The early hours of day 45

Good morning Gamcare Forum'ers!

Firstly, thankyou very much Ktf, Change, Sandra, day@atime and LifeBegins for your wonderful comments. Last week was a very challenging week for me, it's really comforting that fellow problem gamblers can be there for each other during the difficult times, thankyou for your words of advice.

I'm feeling a bit better now, especially considering that I'm feeling under a little less stress. It also helps that I'm hopefully on the back end of that virus I was going through.

I've taken a few steps, and made some temporary changes that should help make things a little easier (I'm 2 weeks into my duties as family carer, with 4 weeks to go). The main change I've done is to my sleeping pattern, which I hope means I will start to get more uninterrupted sleep. I'd hate to experience anything like the insomnia of the last 2 weeks again. This week should be easy, and then the next 3 progressively more difficult.

I've planned out my paragraphs for the letter, but still yet to put my notes into action. Some progress is better than none. I've really tried hard to not beat myself up about it, thankyou for the advice on that, and I'm trying to think about myself a little more too.

@LifeBegins, thankyou for the pointers, I had a long hard think, and found myself able to speak to my Uncle briefly about some of my problems, but I wasn't as honest about just how bad I was feeling. I told him I was just upset. He really helped me put things into perspective a lot, but there's not a lot I can do really to change anything for the next 4 weeks. I can only make things easier for myself by catching sleep at the right time.

All being well, I will be playing snooker this week. I had to cancel last week, so it's been just short of 3 weeks since I last played. @Change, I don't think I answered your question from a few days ago (sorry!), I love the safety side of snooker, I know it's not the most popular, but you really can't beat a high quality safety/snooker exchange. There was a frame played between Kyren Wilson and Jamie Jones this week, I think it was the 5th one, where Kyren needed two snookers at one point. It was gripping stuff. You can't beat seeing a player playing really good shots and laying snooker after snooker, then clearing the colours under pressure, and going on to win the frame despite looking dead and buried. What do you tend to prefer in a snooker match?

Work-wise, I went in for an 'investigtional' meeting on Saturday, and the tone of the meeting suggests to me that they will be putting me on a final warning, rather than dismissing me. I would describe that decision, if that is the case, as harsh, but fair. My actual disciplinary meeting will take place this week sometime. I really thought I could lose my job over something as silly as what I did, so I'm so, so happy to still be able to return to work, whenever that may be (probably this coming Saturday).

If and when I make it to 100, 500, 1000 days of abstainance, I'll be able to look back at this week and be proud that I've come through it without feeling sorry for myself or using it as an excuse to gamble.

Happy Monday Forum'ers, have a wonderful week.

-Ryan

Good to see you feeling more positive Ryan. The next few weeks will go by quickly enough and then the child care will be over....you've just got to get through it I suppose. Keep using this forum to get those feelings out..a problem shared and all that.

You're doing great on 45 days.

Have a good week yourself. LB x

Nice post Ryan - good to see you back on here.

Yeah I much prefer the safety play! Not many people do! I can't really break build myself as I don't have the cue ball control. I can't play stun and screw effectively enough and don't even try to play with side or I would just miss the pot. Safety is brilliant. I can honestly say I have won many frames in my league through pure safety play and not taking a pot on unless I think I'll get it 7 times out of 10. Pushing the boat out too far just leads to disaster.

Get writing that letter and get looking for a more rewarding job! I believe that both of those things could result in a significant change in your motivation.

Been nearly a week Ryan... how you doing mate?

Long time Ryan - how you doing mate?

-short update-

Day 63,

Right now I'm still going strong, but struggling. Days off work are starting to get to my head and the urges are getting increasingly more difficult to fight off. I have to take pride in having completed 9 weeks. It's like de ja vu from days gone by, where I'm seriously lacking any element of fun in my life. I played snooker on Wednesday but I just wish I could play more often / had more playing partners.

Thankyou for you're posts Change, apologies for not getting back to you, how are you getting along? It was fantastic to see you check in on 57 days. I have been checking the forums regularly but never found it within myself to provide a post. I'm pleased to be back at work now, although being on a final written warning is very frustrating at times. Almost 95% of my available funds are tied up in a savings account that I cannot access, so that's a massive step forward based on where I've been in the past.

Best wishes, have an amazing weekend,

-Ryan

Really great to hear from you Ryan. So pleased you're on 63 days. Make it to Christmas pal. I don't have loads of playing partners and I regularly play on my own (well I did before my kid arrived and I had spare time!). There are absolutely loads of practice routines which I enjoy a lot e.g. place two reds near a cushion and put a colour anywhere on the top and play to get a snooker... it really helps with your angles and cue control. Or for potting place a ball on the black spot and the white anywhere around it and pot it 10 times in a row moving the white slightly around and swapping sides. I find this second one really really difficult as I'm not a great potter. Then you can do the same with the pink and the blue spots as those are the balls that win you frames. If you can pot blacks, pinks and blues you'll win many more frames then you'll lose.

*anywhere on the table

Really went and f**cked up today. £376+ down the s*itter, now £250 overdrawn (which is my limit) and only £1.11 left in my bank account. Going to have to withdraw some of my money from savings on Monday to see me through til payday.

For the first time in a long, long time, I feel as though I've MASSIVELY let myself down. 10% of me is frustrated at the money I've lost, and the other 90% of me is absolutely in bits at the fact that I've let this run of days slip. I'm absolutely devastated.

Truth be told, I was doing exceptionally well. I was so proud of the progress I was making. But in the last few days my mentality has taken somewhat of a slip. I've been growing increasingly bored and frustrated that nothing is changing in my life. Why won't I ever learn that it's because of my constant relapses that nothing is changing!!!!!

Thankfully I have been saving a portion of my wages in a savings account for the past 6 months, that I have limited access to. I'm going to have to go to the building society on Monday, and all being well, be able to control myself to withdraw only a small amount, to tide me over til payday in 12 days.

The first thing I am going to do is get myself out of the overdraft I've just gotten myself into. Then, after that, I'm going to cancel the overdraft. So no more big losses! By having most of my money in savings, I've really decreased the financial blow that I've been able to do to myself. If I'd have had immediate access to my savings, then I'm pretty sure I'd have gambled them away too. I'm proud that I've safeguarded the majority of my money. Barriers do work!

So there are positives. And there are a few things I can do to make things even more secure for myself. I was doing incredibly well, better than ever before. But the feeling that I've massively let myself down is crushing me right now.

I need some sleep.

Sorry to have let you fellow forum members down too. I'm pleased to see the blocks I have in place have helped me somewhat, but it's still a crushing thing to happen, and I'm really going to have to pick myself up and hopefully be able to slowly rebuild my self confidence again.

@Change, I'm sorry buddy. Please, whatever you do, don't make the same mistake I've done. The grass isn't greener by going back. The shame is the worst.

-Ryan

I really can't put into words how strongly I feel as though I've let myself down. I've never felt this frustrated before at any loss. Truth be told I wasn't actually even bothered about winning, I wouldn't have been satisfied with any amount. It's so scary how quickly I am able to lose my temper with gambling and how quickly funds are able to disappear whilst chasing money back..

I'm going to try and get some sleep. The frustration is unbelievable

Change wrote:

Really great to hear from you Ryan. So pleased you're on 63 days. Make it to Christmas pal. I don't have loads of playing partners and I regularly play on my own (well I did before my kid arrived and I had spare time!). There are absolutely loads of practice routines which I enjoy a lot e.g. place two reds near a cushion and put a colour anywhere on the top and play to get a snooker... it really helps with your angles and cue control. Or for potting place a ball on the black spot and the white anywhere around it and pot it 10 times in a row moving the white slightly around and swapping sides. I find this second one really really difficult as I'm not a great potter. Then you can do the same with the pink and the blue spots as those are the balls that win you frames. If you can pot blacks, pinks and blues you'll win many more frames then you'll lose.

This is some great advice for solo practice. Thanks.

When I've practiced on my own previously, I've only really played reds in and around the black spot. Focussing solely on re-spotting balls on the black spot and continuously attempting to pot them from different angles is a good idea actually. Like you say, that's where the points are scored. I'll give this one a try.

I'm feeling a bit more positive today. If I can make it through the rest of today without a bet, I'll see this as a new start. *Football spoiler* I'm delighted to just have watched leicester win again, now time to watch the snooker final. I'm really trying hard to not think about what happened last night. I'm pretending it didn't happen and can't wait to re-focus myself.

Hello, Ryan,

Are you keeping your sole focus on being gf? Because that's all good, being gf, keeping the triangle broken is an achievement, you need that...but on its own it won't solve all issues. Being gf is only the start. Also required for recovery is a look at not just your triggers but also your life, ie what gambling gives you and how to replace it.

Make the changes you need to make and get the support you need to do it - as you're finding, it's not just about the money. You can do it but nothing about this addiction is easy.

BW,

CW

Hi Ryan... it's difficult pal. I feel for you but 60-odd days is not good enough. We need to do much better and then eventually the good times will arrive. It may takes 300 days or 500 days but somewhere around that point things will change. You'll have more confidence and more cash and more get-up-and-go... got to get there Ryan to make this happen. £250 is a lot of money. I have a kid now and £10 is a lot of money. I can buy nappies, food, a treat to say thanks to my wife etc with £10. £250 is a top of the range new snooker cue!

On the practice, potting the black is essential practice. It will make a difference because next time you're in a match and you're on the black you'll have muscle memory and remember that you've potted a black from that angle 20 times and you'll just know what to do. It is good to mix it up with pinks and blues so you don't get bored... they involve totally different angles. The pink into a much more open pocket and the blue into a middle pocket and sometimes out of eye-line depending on the angle. Good luck mate.

Sunday Success!

Made it through Sunday staying gamble free. So proud of myself. On every other occasion I'd have given in and gambled myself into oblivion. I'm definitely proud for what I've done today. Tomorrow, Tuesday and Thursday I'm working whole days. Wednesday I'm going to take myself to practice some snooker. That's my next four days planned out.

@Change, It's hurting me to type on this forum right now.. I've got no excuses, I'm deeply ashamed of myself. I was weak. This addiction craves on us being weak. I know 60 days isn't anywhere near enough, but I'm not looking back. I'll let you know how I get on during practice. It hurts me more to know that I posted to this forum just a few hours before crumbling into relapse.. I knew my state of mind was changing, but as I've said.. this addiction feeds on us when we're feeling down, it was too easy to give into it, I was weak.. In previous abstainances I've spent hours on end stuck in a room by myself battling away urges and almost pulling my hair out because of the stress of it all.. why wasn't I putting up a fight like that this time?! I have to be critical of myself and admit I seemed to give in to it far too easilly.

They say "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again". That's exactly what I'm doing. And I'm coming back from every setback even stronger. More blocks are going to be put in place. My access to cash is going to become further restricted. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, but with a few tweaks here and there.

Here's to a positive & productive gamble free week for us all.

-Ryan