Ryan's Recovery

Another succesful day

Made it through Monday. Cancelled the overdraft facility on my bank account. Proud moment for me and it's progress indeed! One step back but two steps forward. Feeling positive right now.

Happy Tuesday,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan well done not giving in and having a few days of gambling. I have read yoru diary from start to finish and firstly I must say what an amazing person you are and how far you have come on this journey. I think you should be extremely proud of the progress you have made and for how much you have learnt so far. I would also say that I really agree with the post from CW - I know you enjoy playing snooker but is there anything else you can do in addition to that to give more enjoyment in your life? A lot of your diary focuses on working to keep you busy but I dont think that addresses the fact your are lonely and a bit bored. For me that was my main reason I gambled and the thing I am working on - keeping myself busy so I am not sat around with negative thoughts working myself up until i finally 'pop' and gamble. You have mentioned you struggle around people and I appreciate that, getting invovled in something new is extremely scary but if you do find something you really enjoy, like snooker, then i think it will give you that extra barrier against gambling.

Good luck, I will keep popping in on your diary as your posts are so honest and thoughful that it has really helped me on my journey!

It has been a long time Ryan - how you doing?

I've been struggling big time recently, but yesterday was the 1st day in a long time where I have completely accepted my defeat to the gambling industry. I'd lost £750 (just under 4 weeks wage for me) on Wednesday evening, and at one point on Thursday I had access to twice that amount of money. It would have been oh so easy to continue chasing losses, but I'd already accepted defeat - I've moved on - another massive step - it's something to be proud of.

Right now I'm starting on something I'm calling a '3 week plan'. I get paid in 3 weeks. I've got hardly any cash to last me til then, but I am confident that I can make it last. If I can make it through 3 weeks without a bet, I'll still be making progress, I'll have regained control of my life, I'll be back in a decent financial position, and I'll hopefully be able to be somewhat proud of myself once again.

Unfortunately I've been unable to play snooker recently, as the people I had been played against before haven't been able to play. I also believe I've been guilty of feeling a little sorry for myself. I came down with a cold and wasn't working, so I wasn't earning any money. This led to me wanting to 'obtain' some money anyway, so of course, I fell back into the dangerous world of gambling. Big mistake. As always is the case. The chasing inevitably started, and of course, the big loss came quite soon after. I'm not making any excuses for going back to gambling. Even though I wasn't earning any money due to being off work sick (you have to have worked with them for 3 years to get sick pay), I didn't 'need' the money. I wasn't desperate. I was just frustrated. And that's a word that decribes just how I've been feeling for quite some time now. Very frustrated. But all is not lost. If I can go the next 3 weeks gamble free then progress is still being made. I've taken so many steps even through these relapses, and limited my access to money so much that any losses I incur are smaller than they could have been, and therefore less damaging.

The 3 week plan began yesterday, and continues today. Let's do this!

Anyhow, enough rambling, I hope you all have an amazing, gamble-free weekend.

-Ryan

Ok no Ryan - it's an all consuming nightmare this addiction. I just hope you can sort things out and get focused on quitting for good. It's too easy for you to lapse. Got to really focus on it mate. It's unacceptable to keep going through this to- and fro- and then posting on here when you relapse again. Keep posting please and I'm stay here reading and replying.

Please can you post more often Ryan - I think you need to post half daily. It would be good to get a better understanding of your thoughts and your days. Please think about it.

Here we go again - this time for real

Yesterday (Friday) I made some MASSIVE steps toward limiting my access to gambling. Unfortunately this did come after I'd gone on to lose £1,500, but I aren't in debt, I'll just about be able to get by, with roughly £43 cash to last me the next 13 days.

So, the steps I've taken are...

1: I am in the process of self excluding myself from all the websites I knowingly have accounts with. The hardest one was the poker company, because I simply love the game, however, I did it, knowing that my future depends on doing so. One day I will look back and be proud. At least I hope so.

2: Admitted my recent errors on here, to a couple of my work friends, and everyone bar my immediate family.

3: Cancelled my bank card. This is a major step for me. It's extremely difficult for me to live without this.. every transaction I make from here on in will have to be done using cash. My only access to cash is going into the bank with my ID and requesting a withdrawal. I tried this before but it drove me crazy, however, I have now found out that I can get weekly bus tickets from paypoint machines, and I can still transact on ebay because my paypal account is linked to my bank. Crucially, I have permanantly closed all my betting accounts that allow paypal deposits, so this is now a safe thing for me to have.

4: I'm prepared to work extra shifts on top of all the overtime I am currently doing, in an atempt to try and earn some more money back in the upcoming months. However, I want to be careful whilst doing this, I need some time to myself, but not enough for temptations to kick in!

5: I'm doing other little things too that I can't really explain on here very well, mainly improving my relationships with my family and continuing to attempt to create a better life for myself... my motivation has been destroyed by 5 years of gambling hell. But it's too easy to never move forward. It's time to do things for myself. Starting now.

The urges have been pretty rough today, but my access to funds is now limited. I am so, so frustrated, however, I did have the opportunity to take out an additional payday loan for £1,000, which, after a long battle with myself, I rejected. I can't even explain how diffcult today has been for me, but I've taken these steps, and even though they are going to create big inconveniences for me, it has to be done for the sake of my future. I've been bored as anything this evening, it's painful to admit that real life seems to dull, uninteresting and boring. But gambling only creates a temporary escape from these feelings, and then when your money is gone, these feelings are even moremagnified.

I played some snooker on Wednesday and made my highest break ever.. a 29. I was delighted. Snooker is the only thing that gives me a buzz, other than the fake, unstable and unrealistic buzzes that gambling creates. @Change, I do hope to start posting on here more often. I am back now. I agree it's no good to only come on here after experiencing a big loss, but at the same time, I don't want to start posting negative things about rare temporary winnings and how I've wasted a whole day chasing losses. It's so frustrating to experience yet more big losses, it's like a constant cycle of madness, where I experience a monumental blowout every few months or so. That cycle needs to stop.

I am working the next 3 days, however, in the next 3 weeks there are hardly any opportunities for overtime, so it seems like many more bleak and lonely days are in prospect for me.

I really hope that yesterday is the start of a long sequence of days without a bet for me. Although, history would say otherwise, cause I've always fallen into relapse after 3 or 4 months... so, I guess it's time to start re-writing history 🙂

-Ryan

Welcome back Ryan and thanks for posting. You've faced up to a lot, made a lot of changes and put a lot of blocks in place. If you want to really get to the bottom of your gambling, why not give us a call on the Helpline or chat to us on the Netline? We can put you in touch with counselling or GA groups.

Wishing you all the best,

Forum Admin

Sorry to hear this (again) Ryan. Anything I can do to help you along the way... just let me know pal.

How you doing pal? Did you enjoy the snooker? Is the 5 step plan working? Stay in touch mate.

Happy Friday

The start of Day 8 for me

Hello, good morning Gamcare Forum,

Thankyou for your posts Forum Admin and Change (4 days til the big 100! So inspirational, a BIG well done from me on your achievements so far). The snooker was pretty unusual this year wasn't it, but nevertheless just as interesting. Well done Mark Selby. All of the semi-finalists surprised me in their own way, I wouldn't have thought any of them would have made it there, but that's snooker for you I guess.

I've been follwing the few points of action that I gave myself, however, recently one of my Great Auntie's sadly passed away. I didn't see her very often but it hits home just as much, and it's kind of put my action plan on pause. I will get back to where I want to be very soon. We had known she had been gradually becoming more and more unwell for a while now, so it wasn't a total shock, but it still really puts things into perspective. She was a very, very popular lady. Even though I'm a nervous wreck at public speaking of any kind, I've volunteered to do a reading at the funeral which is in a week or so's time. I did a reading at my Grandma's funeral a few years ago, told myself I was doing it for her, and I delivered the words well. I suppose a part of it is me trying to give something back to my extended family, because I don't see them very often. It also feels like the right thing to do.

I've been ill myself for the past few days now. For some reason I keep hitting bad luck with viruses and such recently. I'm not one of these people to ever go to the doctors, I couldn't remember the last time I went, but I'm going to ring them up and get an appointment to see if there's anything up.

I've been getting by without my bank card just fine. The key now is in the long term, it's too easy to request a new card - I have to stay strong, stronger than I've ever been before.

Qu1ckquid (replace the 1 with i) haven't been very nice to me (surprise, surprise..). I took out a £650 loan whilst chasing the money 8 days ago. And because I cancelled my bank card, the repayment of the loan couldn't be made. So instead, they had me wait 6 days for them to submit a direct debit request, and all of a sudden I now owe them roughly £55 on top of what I originally did.. I guess when you take out a payday loan you are playing with fire, so I really can't grumble - just have to see it as a mistake that I'll never make again!

I'm scheduled to do a 5pm-11pm tomorrow at work, however with the way I'm feeling recently, I'm dreading it. I'm already on a final written warning for my previous incidents, so I suppose I'd best somehow drag myself in and slouch behind a till or something for 6 hours. After Saturday I'm off for 9 days.

Right now all I keep thinking about is the long term. Financially, by August I should be back in a place where I am very proud of myself. But that's only going to happen if I stay away from gambling. So 100 days is an absolute must, no complacency. Only then will I allow myself to set new goals and new targets.

Thankyou and good night,

-Ryan

Hey Ryan been reading your posts and I know you're relapsing a bit here and there but don't take it too hard. You're a pretty young guy and I wouldn't sweat too much right now! Sounds like your family is giving you the s***s, mine had been for a long time as well and sometimes even though we love em, we gotta break free. Have you thought about moving out into a share house? Could be the perfect opportunity to make some new friends through a new house, get away from the negativity of your family and really tackle one of the big issues in your gambling triangle (seems like you have a bit too much time on your hands to feel s*** about things).

Best of luck mate and hang in there!

Sorry to hear about your Great Auntie... good for you doing a reading. Respect that. You can hold your head up high.

The early hours of day TEN!

Good morning fellow forum'ers,

I type this post with a smile on my face, and a determined look on my face.

Thankyou Change, all is good right now. My mindset is the best it's been in a while. I feel as though I've gone through quite a lot (in terms of emotions) already at my age. I feel comfortable to deal with all kinds of unexpected things now, especially in comparison to two or three years ago.

I woke up early yesterday morning, after struggling to sleep, and decided to check my internet banking (My bank card is cancelled, so nothing can happen.. or so I thought!). Some dumb betting company, who doesn't deserve the decency of being named (It's got Tony in it's name), had taken payment of £300.00 on Friday morning. And trust me, they took this payment so, so LATE. This was money they they authorised from back in january, but for some reason - they had yet to collect it. I've checked back, and it does actually seem as though I owe them, but it's just such a pain. I'm self excluded from them, so there's no way of checking deposit/withdrawals, and their 'customer support team' is so incompetent, I've never dealt with anything like it. Anyhow, it's put me back into unplanned overdraft, resulting another £37 in fees that I owe the bank already, a total of £337 extra in money owed out. Anyhow. I had a little think to myself, and I'm going to ride it out. In reality, nothing changes. Sure, it falls just short of another half-a-month's worth of wages for me to have to cough up, but it's only going to make me a stronger person in abstainance. This is why it has to stop. Forever. Now.

Thankyou Chubb for your post. I appreciate what you say. About trying not to take it too tough - my mind is always split on this one. On one hand, we don't want to get too down on ourselves about relapses, it can start off some really downward thoughts that are difficult to come back from. But on the other hand, when you end up relapsing on a consistent basis, sometimes a little bit of self-discipline can go a long way. But it's a fine line. Here's what I've done:

I've done a lot of thinking, and a lot of soul-searching. In the past 10 days, I've given this problem of mine more thought-provoking than anything in my life so far. I know that by working hard for the next 3 months, but not pushing myself too far, then I will be where I want to be by the first week of August. That is, where I want to be, both financially, and mentally. If I make it to that point in time without gambling, then I'll be a couple of days away from reaching 100 days without a bet. I'll have also paid off the outstanding funds that are owed out, and I'll be in my strongest financial position of my life. That's quite a set of targets to work towards. And 3 months isn't exactly forever to wait for these things to become a reality.

Inbetween improving my financial position, I also want to make more steps toward improving my mental position. I'm getting there slowly, but I want to keep on pushing myself, and see my motivation improve. My motivation has been on the floor for a long time now. I'm going to hold back from posting some of the details about what I need to do, but I've always been incredibly honest in my previous posts on here, and lets just say that all of those points from before still stand.

Perhaps one day I'll look back to the 28th of April 2016 and see it as the day that changed my life. I'm desperate for this to happen.

Stay strong. We can all do this. Keep dreaming.

If Leicester can win the league, then we can go the rest of our lives without a bet. Ask Ranieri, he will tell you 🙂

-Ryan

So far, so good!

Short little update today, I hope all is well with you fellow forum'ers.

Happy with how things are at the moment, one of the nasty members of management has left the company, so I am beginning to look forward to my shifts now, like in the old days 🙂 I had a good shift today too, I'm lucky to be doing a job that I really genuinely love doing when everything goes right, even if it's just working in a convenience shop, like I do. I think you have to have good foundations in your life in order to really tackle this addiction.

Gambling-wise, I'm in a small mess financially, but as I've said, by the start of August I'll be in a good place. Payday is this Friday. I'm hoping to convince my work friend to play some snooker tomorrow (Wednesday), however, he's finding it difficult atm as he's in the process of moving house.

Congratulations to @Change who reaches 100 days gamble free today. He's grabbed this addiction by the horns and he's showing it who's boss. Hopefully some of his desire and passion to kick this habbit once and for all is starting to rub off on me. Well done buddy.

Good day and best wishes with all your recoveries,

-Ryan