Ryan's Recovery

Two weeks in

Today's quite a long post - sorry! I've just felt a little down of late, with work cutting down my hours, not getting paid correctly, the bank charging me more money than is sense for this overdraft, and a few more little worries mounting up, I ended up typing away a bit too much.. but I guess if there's a place to do it, then here is the place! Happy Thursday! 🙂

My first thoughts right now are that I'm pleased to have made it to what is nearly 2 weeks without a bet. I'm content, let's just say that. It's the start of something. The ball is rolling now and it's up to me to make sure it doesn't stop.

It wasn't exactly a fantastic Wednesday for me though, typical that as soon as I get to work (I work in a small convenience shop of a well-known supermarket), the management were right on my back, contradicting themselves in their criticism of me, and making sure my shift would be anything but straightforward. The payslips had arrived, as we get paid tonight, and surprise surprise, I've been paid wrong.. again. This is an on-going thing now and I'm sick of it, they owe me 15 hours and 45 minutes worth of pay. And rather than help me out, the management tell me that it's my fault, because I haven't been recording hours correctly... which is 100% pure absolute rubbish! So that's whats been annoying me anyway. I rang up my hr and I've asked to be put in contact with an area manager to report these issues.

Other little bug bears were that there is no overtime anymore, and I'm fed up of being stuck at home bored with nothing to do.. my life is boring enough as it is, the only time I leave the house if for work.. and I do genuinely always want to work, I've got a good attitude towards it. But the new management have cut right down on the hours, so I'm having to search around really hard and try and find a couple of hours here and there just to keep myself busy, as well as keep the money coming in - I'm only on a 14 hour contract - I always try and work 40 hrs a week with overtime - but recently it's proving difficult!

I'm going to my Great-Auntie's funeral on Monday next week, it's proper early in the morning, and then I'll be working til nearly midnight that same night, so I'm preparing myself for a long day.

I've been speaking with a couple of new starters (well, they've been there a couple of months) at my work and getting to know them a bit better, and I thought I'd share what goes off in my head, on this forum, because I wonder whether anyone else experiences this? Basically, without wanting to sound petty, I pretty much think to myself.. why would anyone want to spend time with me outside of work.. I mean, I know my communication with other people and my confidence has grown massively in the last year, but, fundamentally - I see myself as a very boring person with very little to offer, I worry that I will come across as boring, as a person with little interests in life, and certainly as a person who has very little in common with other people. Perhaps I am guilty of having completely different interests to other people, my music taste is very different, I aren't into any tv. The reality is that a lot of things that traditional people enjoy, I find to be quite boring, and dull. I guess I've always been competitive, and many years of gambling has destroyed my ability to enjoy things that are relaxing and that don't require much use of the brain. It's just worrying when I look back, because I've always been like this.. always been a little worried about that people may think of me when they get to know the real me. A few months ago, I did however start playing snooker every few weeks with a good lad who works at the same store as me, he's quite a bit older than me, there's 13 years or so between us, but we both enjoy it - I wish things like this could happen more often. I wouldn't say I'm short of confidence - just worry about how I may be perceived - I also don't drink and I aren't one of these that's right into going out at night.. so perhaps I've only got myself to blame for some of it!

Another worry for me is the hair on the top of my head that is continuing to thin, and gets less and less as the weeks and months go on.. when I run my hands through my hair on the top of my head, it fills me with worry.. there will be nothing there in a year or so and that's not an understatement. And I'm only 22. I genuinely do not know what to do about it either. The rest of my hair is fine, just on the top of my head. When I'm in the shower (I use caffeine shampoo aswel, the german one, but it doesn't seem to be doing much), I always see strands of hair falling out, and know that they won't be coming back. This has been happening for quite some time now. At first I thought it was stress because of gambling, but now I don't know anymore.. this is another concern I have, and I'm reminded about it every morning. But I guess I should be lucky for what I have. Maybe that's what I need to start doing.

The bank are keeping on charging me on a daily basis for this unplanned overdraft I've somehow ended up in. It's a right good job I get paid tomorrow (or tonight). All because one company took a payment a few months late, it's caused a right mess. I'm past the point of getting down about this though now. I've known for a few days now that I'm going to end up owing the bank an extra £50ish here or there in fees and charges, it's just frustrating to see the mail popping through the letterbox, reminding me that yet more people want more money off me. Terrific.

Anyhow, I didn't set out meaning for this post to be full of negatives, I've just been feeling a little down today, and I have been since the second I got to work. Here's hoping I'll wake up in a more positive frame of mind tomorrow. I'll be working 7pm - 11pm, so It'll be frustrating waiting for my shift to start.. but lets see what comes of it.

Good night, and best wishes with your recoveries.

-Ryan.

Ryan, I think you're @ the stage now where you need to take a massive leap of faith! I get that you may not want to go back to GA because of the suggestion that you tell you family about your problem but you gamble to mask your pain & without a bit of outside help, you're struggling to move forwards.

I know jobs are hard to come by but a 14 hour contract with a degree under your belt is tosh...Don't settle for it. You have plenty of time to get CV's done & down to the job centre...A dead end job is no where near challenging enough for you!

It's better for people to see the real you rather than you trying to behave in a certain way because you worry what people will think...It's not nice being around fakers. The right people will accept you warts & all & as for 13 years, there's about that between me & my crazy best friend (Hopeful Soul - my sister from another mother & father & country), age is just a number! Plus, if it's any consolation, hubby is going bald @ a rate of knots & I love him more today than I did yesterday! Not that I'm wishing baldness on you but don't forget, people shave to be so so if nature gives you that free of charge, embrace it 😉

I listen to Country & Western & refuse to watch anything on telly unless it makes me laugh or makes me cry & have just spent the last 7 hours colouring in. There is no such thing as a stereo typical human, you don't need to worry about fitting a mould, embrace yourself because it's much easier to accept people accepting you when you accept yourself!

C'mon now, give yourself a future, book some counselling, get some help from the GP for your anxiety...You deserve recovery just as much as any of us! Time to push the boat into unchartered waters - ODAAT

When I got married, Ryan, my husband had hair and I was slim. But I couldn't have married a male model, too exhausting trying to keep up.

It's what's inside that counts. Preferably in recovery with an attitude to match.

BW,

CW

Hi Ryan

Good post - exactly what a diary's for. Thinking others will find you boring - this sounds to me like a perfectly natural thing to worry about. I've certainly thought that way and still do. I think it's a fear of people rejecting you - which again is a perfectly normal way to think. Contrary to what the media and self-help gurus will have you believe - the human mind is designed to think in negative terms - people who think otherwise are kidding themselves.

But, these thoughts still aren't helpful. They're definitely not 'true' -they are just thoughts. And if you stop yourself doing stuff because of these thougths then you will limit your life. Take a chance - ask someone at work if they want to see a film, get some food, watch some footie. Try, but if you still can't get the company - go and do something on your own. Go to watch a film on your own, watch a band, plan and go for a walk, whatever - these things will enrich your life way more than sitting around the house. 'Doing stuff' also stimulates your mind and body and is a great antidote to gambling.

I know for me I used to wait until I 'felt right' before acting with confidence. The problem is, when you are this way you can be waiting a very long time! If you can act first and step out of your comfort zone, without the feelings of confidence, then usually the good feelings follow.

good luck

Louis

Hey Ryan... thanks for your posts.

No harm in sharing at all. Don't put yourself down though. I think you're a fantasically interesting person. I think you've lived a lot of life for such a young age. Great work on 2 weeks. Keep the faith.

How you doing Ryan?

Long time, no post

Good morning gamcare forum'ers, it's been a while. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart to everybody that has replied to my latest post, I read all of your responses as you posted them, thankyou very much.

I don't really feel like typing much today, I'm kind-of fed up of a few things and getting myself down again, but I'm on day 26 and still going well with my recovery. That will do. Hopefully I will feel in a better frame of mind sometime soon, and be able to post a proper update.

Good night, and best wishes.

-Ryan

Thanks for checkin in Ryan - keep me updated. Thanks again.

Happier days recently - 38 days GAMBLE FREE!! 🙂

Good morning gamcare forum,

I've been feeling a bit better mentally recently, work has been messing me around, particularly one of the supervisors, but I'm trying to not let it get to my head - I'm on a final written warning and I really can't afford to have another blowout.

Gambling-wise I'm still going strong. I've had hardly any significant urges, my card is still cancelled, and I'm proud of my progress. I'm up early in the morning to do another overtime shift, but at a different store, so the atmosphere at work will be better 🙂

Payday is this Friday. I'm off into town to transfer some of it into my savings, as well as withdraw money to pay bills and maybe treat myself to a couple of things, I haven't decided yet.

Happy Sunday, hope all your weekends are wonderful and gamble free.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Hey Ryan,

So so good to see your positivity lighting the room! ☺ way to go dear soldier and keep on keeping on.

World is your oyster - make the most out of your journey ahead.

Happy days - one day at a time & you're doing more than amazing! Be proud and Happy Sunday to you too ☺

S x

Only just seen this and I'm buzzing for you pal. Well done!

I've been feeling a bit down today, but still haven't had a bet. 46 days and counting.

This week I am on a little holiday, so I may post a few updates to my diary, we'll see what the week brings, hopefully it will brighten up as it goes along.

Thankyou to everybody that has been there for me, this recovery and your support mean the world to me.

Hope you are all keeping safe and well,

Speak to you soon,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan - how you doing? This last post says 46 days but your current counter says 40 days. Please check in.

Fear the worst for you Ryan but hope you're ok!

Thankyou Scotto and Change for your recent posts, a lot has happened in the past 100 days - which was when I made my last post.

I suppose I was attempting to break away from what seemed to be a routine of:

1. gambling my money away,

2. feeling sorry for myself,

and 3. coming on here to vent my frustration and feel sorry for myself.

And it's kind-of working, kind-of not working. Firstly, I'll admit I'm not gamble free. That's the bad news, if you like, and I aren't too happy to admit that. However, I have made so many changes to my life since then, and right now I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. It's ups and downs.

I've been with my current girlfriend for just over 4 months now, and whilst it's not quite perfect, I think we'd be the first people to admit that we aren't perfect ourselves.. so anything just short of being perfect.. might as well be perfect. We got back from our first holiday away together on Friday night, so we've been back for 3 days now. And I've also started a new job, having being forced out of my previous one. I'm lucky in a way, because I wasn't out of work for long at all. 3 weeks actually. And I actually enjoy going to work each day now, I feel more respected and definitely feel at home, it's such a change from the way things used to be. It's the best thing to happen to me in a long time. A change of working environment was definitely overdue!

I'm sorry for not posting too much on here, and for not keeping up with a lot of you guys' progress - you know who you are, and I wish only the best for you.

I haven't forgotten about any aspect of this forum, it's made me into the person I am today - not perfect by any means, but slowly getting to a place where I can begin to be a little proud of myself.

Best wishes,

-Ryan