Ryan's Recovery

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Yo Ryan,

Just looked out your diary to see how you are getting on, 3 weeks, nice one!

My advice would be don't be too hard on yourself, it's a big thing stopping gambling and it takes a lot of energy. You are doing really well. Hopefully once you get a good grip of that demon you'll see other parts of your life improve too.

You're already feeling more positive about a new job and that in turn should make you more positive in other aspects of your life. Of course sitting around playing Battlefield all day isn't ideal but it's better than playing slots and being in a sh1tload of debt too!

I don't agree with you calling yourself a selfish low-life, you know that's not true. You just need to find something that will make you happy and you have already started that journey. It is only YOU that can do it though, make those changes and you should get the rewards.

Sorry if i'm a bit preachy, peace!

End of Day 25, Thursday 9 April 2015

Thought I'd post a short little update before I go to sleep tonight.

I posted in mid-week using my phone but it doesn't seem to have uploaded.

Thankyou for your message Scotto, it really helped give me some inspiration during the week. This week definitely had a difficult start, but it's getting better as the week goes on.

Friday has always seemed like a difficult day for me, it seems like a day where typically I'l end up regretting what I have done in the past. My GA meeting today went really well, there were some people from other meetings in the room, and they referred to some really good advice that is keeping me on the right tracks.

The key word for me right now is compalcency. I've had a relatively easy few days, despite hearing of some snooker odds, I've stayed strong and.. for the time being at least.. I'm in no way being tempted by any 'decent-looking odds'. I've un-followed the source of this distraction on twitter, and hopefully I will refrain from looking at the odds again myself any time soon.

I'm going along to the snooker in the next few days, but I'm going to be careful and take 'just enough' cash to purchase a train ticket and some food during the day. Need to make sure I leave myself nothing to gamble with, hopefully it will be a decent and much needed day out.

I'm feeling okay today, and long may this progress continue.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

End of Day 27, Saturday 11 April 2015

Still good news, still 27 days without a bet, but I'm struggling now. I've found myself looking at odds today and have I've had multiple thoughts about having a bet tonight. I'm growing fed up of not progressing with my life. Although I've applied for new jobs this week, I've only got one interview offer and it's one of those ones that you have to record your answers on a laptop and they give you that patronising assistance where they say 'look smart and let yourself and your personality shine' - how the hell is this possible if your talking into a laptop by yourself?!

So anyway, seems like I'l be staying on night shift for the foreseeable future.

I've been following the snooker qualifiers, and was going to go to Sheffield today (which is a good hour or two away from where I live) to watch some of them, but decided against it at the last minute as it would have been too much for me, I'd have wanted to bet on it.

But I'm just fed up in all honesty. Not making any progress, I don't regularly talk to anybody, and I certainly don't have anybody I'd consider a 'close friend', let along a 'good friend'. I live an incredibly lonely life and the only regular socialising I get is by going to my local GA meeting every Thursday evening. There's no other sessions close to me either. And even at my meetings, I'm a little shy, and the other members are unaware just quite how low and depressed I feel at times such as now.

I hate reaching out for support, I feel selfish, greedy, and I don't like to bother people. I like to let people get on with their lives.

Right now I'm feeling pretty low, and if I continue feeling this sense of hopelessness then a bet may be inevitable. That's the only thing that seems like 'fun' to me at the moment. But I'm not being negative. I'm just worried about what may happen because boredom has led me back in so many times in the past.

Sitting in my room all day, every day; at the moment, is soul-destroying. There's no over-time at work, and I can't take myself to play snooker by myself as I just wouldn't feel right going by myself. It's also £6.40 an hour just to play on the table, and money isn't a luxury I have at least for the next 2 months or so, as I pay back this loan.

Many people say that they feel like they have no place to turn to. I always thought that they were making it up. But as my incredibly lonely months and years go on, I'm beginning to understand what those people mean. I'm not a bad person. I never cancel plans, and I'm always there for the people I know and the people that I respect. I've gone through life having people s**t all over me. As gamblers, we are well equiped to take s**t, because we've gone through a lot of pain in our lives and lost everything on so many occasions. (Apologies for the bad language there, although that's the best way of expressing what's happened to me)

Here's what I'm trying to say... and it pains me to say it, but with nothing really planned for the rest of this year, or anytime in the future, with no way of getting away from working these night shifts, with no socialising, nowhere to turn; and no visible way of changing the situation I am in... I don't really see what there is to live for.

I guess I'm very different to most people my age, as I have a very high temperament, I don't drink alcohol, I'm not loud, I have very different interests (snooker and my taste in music is Dutch-based) and I have gone through a lot of life experiences before many other people my age have. I struggle to find things in common with other people in all honesty, but I'm extremely down to earth and always say things how they are.

I just struggle to comprehend how I've ended up in this position, but I guess my previous gambling habbits are to blame. And it's not getting any easier. There doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel. Right now this tunnel seems like it's caving in, and I'm still inside it.

That's all for today, I hope posting this will help me in some way, and I hope that my fellow recoverers are having a pleasant weekend.

Ryan.

End of Day 28, Sunday 12 April 2015

Hi NT, thankyou for your comment. Firstly, I agree with you wholeheartedly. It sure is difficult to comtemplate and very difficult to care about just quite how far you have come in this recovery journey when you are feeling down. Today has been a better day.

Firstly, I was with all my extended family today and genuinely felt good communicating with them. Afterwards I went to Sheffield to the snooker and watched a whole host of players and matches. I didn't feel any urges whilst I was there, which; looking back at, I am quite amazed by really. I guess I was watching one of my favourite players, and although he got beat, I still enjoyed the trip. By going to the snooker, I was able to begin to break my typical daily routine, take myself away from the house (I did all my bets in the past online whilst at home, I rarely bet outside the house), and genuinely have a decent day out.

I agree also with you NT, that whilst we are immersed in the world of betting, we are very lonely people, and care little about others whilst chasing, even though we covince ourselves otherwise. I hear this alot at my GA meetings. I know what you are saying about time also. That will be a big healer. Right now I'd be willing to fast-forward my next two paydays and hopefully see myself in a new job where I can meet new people. By then, I may also have broken my previous record of 87 days, which is what I'm aiming for right now as my short-to-medium term target.

That will do for today, I've stayed well clear and I'm happy for doing so. Back to work tomorrow night. Take care.

Ryan.

Hi Ryan,

Well done with the continued abstinence, great work.

I have to say that I always look out for your diary and just spotted that it had some recent comments. As i've said before it's a situation that I wouldn't normally relate to (of course no offence intended) but at this current moment i'm living in another country and see some similarities in our situations.

I always wanted to go to The Crucible, I have to admit that I don't follow snooker nearly as much these days, I could probably only name the top players from the past that are now getting on a bit, although I have seen the likes of Ding and Judd Trump play before on tv. I think I could only manage one day now, seeing the top players in the world at the best event would be fascinating but i'm not sure how long I could realistically concentrate on it for. Maybe one day if i'm back in the UK i'll give it a go.

What else do you like besides snooker? Any other hobbies or interests? You should start looking online for clubs or meet ups with other people. It may seem daunting or sad but there must be hundreds of associations out there and surely you could find something that you like. This is important for you, especially if you're starting to think that gambling might give you someexcitement or fun. It won't. Think how you feel now, not great? Life on hold? Now add in some more losses, some more debt, another loan to pay, how would you feel then? Double s**t right?

Well done on the interview btw, even if you don't think it will come to anything worthwhile. I'm job hunting at the moment too, sometimes it can be depressing and frustarting but then you get some good feedback and it spurs you on.

Keep going!

Cheers

Scott

End of Day 33, Friday 17 April 2015

Hi Scott, many thanks for your post, from what you've said and the advice I've been given at my GA meeting I'm going to sort out going to snooker clubs by myself and see what's going on there. I'm in a better place recently and today.

I'm still without a bet, and the past 5 days have been much better for me. I've worked 3 nights this week, so I've been kept relatively busy, and I will be working a couple more nights up to Tuesday morning. The snooker is on the telly these next couple of weeks, and right now I'm having zero thoughts about gambling on the tournament. Only now as I am typing this have those thoughts even remotely come into my head.

I'm feeling positive right now, I've applied for a few jobs back on day time positions, and I guess it's now just a waiting game to see what comes of these applications. As soon as I'm back on day time shifts I'l be able to take myself to these social clubs and just generally enjoy life and socialise much easier. I'm finding out now more than ever that being an incredibly lonely person as I am, combined with working nights, just doesn't equal a decent quality of life. When I get back on day shifts then I can start to turn things around.

Best wishes, and hope you all have a good weekend,

Ryan.

Start of day 37, Tuesday 21 April 2015

Writing this update, I've just finished my night shift a couple of hours ago and having worked 6 of the last 8 nights I am now looking forward to having a week or so off. The snooker is on the telly and I'm enjoying watching it. I'm planning on taking myself to my local snooker club tomorrow and taking advantage of their daily rate offer and getting some practice in by myself. Just being awake during the daytime again for a week or so seems fantastic right now.

Gambling-wise, I've had very little urges, I'm still feeling down at regular intervals, but these negative feelings are in no way making me consider placing a bet. I'm feeling good about things and hopefully this will be a good week. I see my counsellor on Friday and I have a GA session on Thursday, so things are looking up for the week ahead.

Applying for jobs hasn't been so successful, and there still appears to be no way out of working night shifts, however, I'm remaining optimistic about the future and I'm trying hard to not let the persistant rejections get me down.

Hope that you are all well; speak soon,

Ryan.

Start of Day 46, Thursday 30 April 2015

Staring with the good news, I still haven't had a bet, and I haven't had many thoughts about doing so either.

Yesterday was a difficult day though, because I can only get money out of the bank by showing them my ID at a branch. I work nights, so I slept during the day, and went to the bank half an hour before it was due to close. My bus was late, and I ended up getting into town just before it closed, but they wouldn't let me get any cash out, so frustrating! I had a shopping list that I needed to complete, and with only a fiver in my wallet, it was extremely tempting to gamble it into £30 or £40 to try and complete my shopping list. However, I just just about got by, it's an inconveneance but I'm just going to have to accept it, move on, and do my shopping later on today.

It's my 8th GA meeting tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. These meetings keep me grounded. I'm trying to not 'live' this recovery as much as I have been doing. It's easy to get yourself down when your constantly reminding yourself of the situation that you ae in. Instead, I'm looking ahead now. Still no interviews or sign of a new job on the horizon, but this isn't stopping me from submitting appications, I'm ever so desperate to get off night shifts and my motivation is really coming back now that I've gone a whole month and a half without a bet.

I'm in a better place now than 46 days ago. and when I look at where I was in November compared to where I am now, I've made some real progress. But this is just the start of my journey. I'm determined to make a better life for myself.

Best wishes in all of your recovery journeys,

Ryan.

Start of Day 48, Saturday 2 May 2015

Good morning!

Good news out of the way.. I've made day 48 and I'm working 3 of the next 4 nights.

Yesterday I paid an early £150 off my loan, and so now I only have 5 more repayments. I've only got a limited cash flow now until I get paid in 2 weeks time, and to be quite honest I happy with that at the moment. I'm attempting to save up though as I am wanting to going to Scotland in July, The Netherlands at the end of the year and Australia to see my family over there in 1 years time. All these things are only possible if I keep on with my recovery and abstainance.

On a slightly downward note, I've been made redundant at work, and my last shift will be in October. The whole of the night shift at my work has been made redundant, so I'm going to have to keep up with my job searching to try and find an alternative job for myself.

On a slightly more drastic note, I'm feeling like stopping going to my GA meetings, having been to 8 so far. The people there are incredibly supportive, which I'm really appreciative of, however, I feel like I'm wasting their time, because the members there are pressuring me into telling my parents I have a problem. I'm somebody that doesn't like confrontation and doesn't like conflict. I'm simply not going to admit my problems to my parents, despite the fact that it's doing my head in having to lie to them constantly about money and about where I am going on a Thursday evening. I hate arguments with a passion, and the last thing I want in this recovery journey is to feel under pressure from my parents, or to feel down. This isn't an excuse, I just know already that the pressure and negative atmosphere that will be created by atmitting my problem to my parents will just encourage me to go back, due to my gambling problem stemming from escapism.

So that's my update for today. Big changes in my life, I'm looking forward to my cousin finishing his exams so we can go and play snooker together frequently. My next counselling session is in 2 weeks time, and I'm fairly confident of making it til then. The penny has dropped for me and I've got far more to lose by going back to gambling than it is worth.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

Start of Day 65, Tuesday 19 May 2015

Wow, it's been a while Gamcare!

I've been off the forum for a while as I'm attempting to take my mind off the negative reminders to myself, however, I'm still going to to try and do an update every week or so. It's day 65 today, my record is 87 days. Just 3 more weeks to set a new record, and then smash it by going beyond!

I've got a lot of motivation back now, and in 4 weeks time I'l be moving onto day shifts for the supermarket I work for. I'm also gradually getting my motivation back into searching for jobs based around my degree, and genuineley feeling good when I leave the house. I'm not playing the playstaton as much, however, socialising and friendhips are still a massive struggle for me. However, I haven't felt as worthless as I have in the past, and no suicidal thoughts have crept into my head whatsoever. Thankfully, it's been a much better few weeks, which I hope to carry forward into the rest of this year.

As a little treat to myself for reaching 50+ days, I've bought myself a new snooker cue. As of now, I am still yet to put it to use, hopefully sometime soon a chance will crop up.

I've got my counselling sesson today where I am genuinely looking forward to updating my counsellor on my progress.

I've stopped going to the GA meetings, after I attended them for 8 weeks. The room put a lot of pressure on me to be open and honest with my parents about my gambling habbits, which I didn't feel comfortable doing. They told me rather seriously that it's not worth me turning up if I can't admit I am a compulsive gambler to my parents. The thing is, after I've been spending the last 5 years or so 'getting by' and spending every second of the day ensuring that my parents do not find out about my gambling habbits, I aren't about to open up and let them in on what's being going on. I'm somebody that actively avoids conflict. I don't do arguments and I don't want any negative emotions. This is my recovery, and what I am doing right now is working successfully so far. I don't want to do anything that could destabilise my progress.

Best wishes to the Gamcare community, and thankyou NT for your positive post. My first 40 days wouldn't have been possible without this forum.

Until next time,

Ryan.

Day 67, Thursday 21 May 2015

Just short of 100 hours to go, until I reach the 10 week milestone! That's my goal for the moment. I'm seeing the short-term as I've been a little bored these past few days due to being off work, and boredom has led me back in many times in the past.

Well today, I visited my old university, and spoke to a careers advisor there about searching for jobs surrounding my degree. I graduated with a first class degree, however, for the past year I've been working night shift in a supermarket, because I've had absolutely zero motivation to do anything for the past year or so, due to the persistant huge losses and debt weighing me down. But things have now changed. As I mentioned in my previous post, I've paid off my loan early, leaving me with hardly anything until payday 3 weeks today, however, I'm seeing this as a step forwards rather than a step back.

So with a bit of luck I may have some interviews lined up sometime soon. I'm still struggling with motivating myself to do anything, but either tonight or tomorrow I'l put a couple of applications in at least.

I'm working 5 nights starting Saturday, which should help take me through to day 74. I'm feeling good but I've still not found a cure for my loneliness. Every day is spent by myself.. nights off spent by myself.. after 3 years of doing hardly anything but gamble, any attempts to stop leads toward an incredibly lonely experience with plenty of time on your hands. Going back to my old uni and remembering the occasional socialising experiences that I had there was a bit of a flashback to an older version of myself. Sure, I was socialising, but I was also in a much worse financial position than I am now. As a quote I've heard many times says, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

In 4 weeks time I start my new job in the same company on day shifts. Unless of course I can finally find a job based around my degree. but that's a big 'if'.

That will do for today's update 🙂

See you all soon and best wishes,

Ryan.

End of Day 67, Thursday 21 May 2015

Just a short little update to finish off today, my current mood is pretty down to say the least.

About 30-40 minutes ago I found some motivation from somewhere to start applying for a graduate job that I found earlier today. I reached the second part of the covering letter - the part where you have to explain why you want to work for the company.. and just got fed up because I honestly can't do this. Lieng and giving outrageously inflated reasons as to why you believe you are better at over-exadgerating things than everybody else is ridiculous. It takes forever to apply, only to be sent back a rejection, or in almost all cases, you never hear anything back. What an utter waste of time.

Here's the facts:

If it wasn't that I am currently in the process of contacting my birth mother for the first time in my life (I was adopted at a very young age), then suicide would really seem like a good option right now. There's absolutely f**k all to live for, and I've explained why I constantly feel this way throughout my posts in this forum. I live such a lonely existence, work such a dull, non-progressive and extremely unrewarding job, and have absolutely nobody to talk to about the way I am feeling other than sharing my thoughts and emotions on this forum every so often. I've got massive motivational issues, and even though I've started to find some motivation from somewhere recently, anything close to a decent life for myself still seems impossible. It's all well and good treating myself to a new snooker cue, but then I've got nobody to play against. Even my cousin on Facebook that I started talking to quite frequently at the start of the year seems to not be interested in responding anymore.

I just can't wait til my counsellor sends off my letter and a photo of myself as I am now to my birth mother. Right now, somebody I've never spoken to or seen since I was less than 6 months old is the reason I exist.

I'm still refraining from gambling because somewhere deep down I am clinging onto the fact that there may be light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Best wishes to you all. To anybody considering gambling, please read my fellow recoverer's stories on here. No matter how much you stand to win, it's simply not worth it.

Ryan.

Ryan, my heart bleeds for you but you do have the power to change this! I am very anxious that you are putting all your eggs in the one basket when you clearly have many people around you that you care about enough to not hurt! (I am sorry the GA didn't work out but I'm sure you have some tools.) You birth mother is the reason for your existence but not all reunions have a happy ending. Do your family know you are so desperate for this?

Flipping heck, a First...People would kill for that! If you can focus enough to work that hard, you can do anything! You are going to have to keep plodding on with those application forms...If you don't apply, you won't get rejected but equally, you'll never get a job! You never know, an honest application form may be just what the next recruitment people are looking for!

I guess the snooker league didn't pan out! Have you looked @ doing any classes? Coming off nights should give you more scope to meet people! What about parkrun...It's a 5km 'run', free to sign up & an excellent place to just say Hi to a few people!

Your motivation is in there somewhere & soon the glimpses will stay for longer! Less than 100 hours away from 10 gamble free weeks...That's some achievement! Keep working the way you have in the last 67 days & you will get that life you crave - ODAAT

End of Day 68, Friday 22 May 2015

Hi ODAAT, thankyou for your post. Looking back at the posts I make whilst I'm feeling down makes me think what the heck was I doing.. but I guess this is what I am going through right now. I've become accustomed to experiencing some pretty wild mood swings, but every day I'm getting better, even if there's the occasion moment where I feel like the world is against me.

Seeing the box that says I've gone 68 days without a bet makes this whole recovery worthwhile. It's the most important number in my life right now.

Well today I spent a good 3 or 4 hours putting an application together for a job in a pretty cool company, and thought I was in with a decent shot.. until my e-mail bounced back and the recruiter isn't back until June! With the deadline tonight, I've missed out. Spending so long applying was a total waste of time. But going to see it as experience, as I've really given myself something to build on for next time! And I was genuinely proud of the covering letter and application I had produced.

You are right ODAAT, my motivation is slowly but surely creeping back, and if I continue to progress as I have done in the past 68 days, then I see no reason why I can't be where I want to be in the not too distant future. Today's been another lonely day, but it's not been accompanied by many downward feelings. I think this is because I did something productive, even if it turned out to be worthless.

I'm working 5 of the next 6 nights, which should keep my mind pre-occupied. I've also only got 3 weeks left of night shifts until they are over forever. I read a few people's forum posts yesterday and reading their progress helped me get to grips with my own situation.

Many thanks for your post ODAAT, onward and upward for us all! Fantastic to see you make 293 days!

-Ryan