Ryan's Recovery

Day 69, Saturday 23 May 2015

Just a little short update today.

I'm not feeling too bad, although I'm absolutely dreading working my night shift tonight as I've been awake all day already. I'm working the next 4 nights in a row, so there won't be any opportnities to even think about placing a bet.

I'm aiming to have sent off another application by the time I go to work tonight, and there's the League 2 playoff final on the telly at 5:30pm aswel which will hopefully keep me entertained.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

Welcome to week 11 Ryan 🙂

Great work with the application, boo that you missed the closing date but you are absolutely right to be proud that you knuckled down & managed to produce something to make you proud!

I wasn't being critical of your post (that's the beauty of this site, letting things out can be cathartic), I was just so sad for you! You cannot see it @ the moment, through all of your pain, but you hold the key to your future & you are proving to each & every one of us that you are worth fighting for!

Onwards & upwards - ODAAT

Day 72, Tuesday 26 May 2015

Another day, another job application rebounds!

Hey ODAAT, thanks for your post! 🙂 It's totally fine I understood what you meant. You are right when you say that the only person that has the ultimate control of our recovery programmes is ourselves. It's easy to find something that starts something off in your brain, but ultimately, we have to keep an eye on our long-term future and vision of where we want to be, which is like you say, the key to our future! I'm feeling motivated again today, thanks for the inspiring post.

I don't start my next shift at work until 4am tomorrow morning, and I'l be awake all night until then, so I'm using this time productively and I'm aiming to get at least 1 more job applicaiton sent off. I've just submitted my second recent application, this time 2 days ahead of the deadline, only to be told.. once again.. that applications have closed early! It's becoming to be a regular theme.

As a compulsive gambler, who has lost it all on many occasions, I've learnt to deal with s**t situations, so I can view these knocks in a different light. It's frustrating, but my applications are getting better each time, and I know I have to keep going if I want to change my career path.

It's heartwarming to see that I am now into my 11th week of abstainance. That fateful day 72 days ago seems like a very long time ago now. I believe I've changed as a person, which is something I did not do when I last achieved 87 days abstainance.

Right now I'm just looking forward to smashing my record. I don't have a 1 year plan, or a 5 year plan. I have a lifetime plan. Seeing the number of days I've gone without a bet on my profile keeps me in a positive frame of mind and keeps me going.

Best wishes, and hope everybody is well.

Ryan.

well done Ryan. Think with the unsociable hours you work you have been very strong minded! good luck with the jobs applications,am sure with your determination you will succeed. Take Care Mary

Start of Day 76, Saturday 30 May 2015

Good Morning Gamcare forum members 🙂

Today is day 76 for me, still going strong and still racking these days up. 76 days ago, this is where I wanted to be, around about this point, with my previous record of 87 days in sight, and having partially built myself back up financially.

It's taking a lot of hard work, and many night shifts, but I've got the life I want in my sights now, even though it is still very far off, I can see it. Thankyou very much for your post Breakdowntime, and to all other contributers to this thread. Scotto, ODAAT, NT, poblwc, Bean, Change and Leedso (sorry if I've forgot anybody), you've all helped me get this far, and leading on into the future. Thankyou for being part of my recovery journey this far.

This week I've had a couple of thoughts pop into my head about the way in which playing poker made me feel, mainly through hearing my friends say that they have been playing cards. I was obsessive with poker in the early days of my addiction, knowing how to play every varient, and spending whole days playing cards. But returning to that way of life will shatter any hopes I have of attaining the life I desire, as well as re-c*****e me financially. That's why I didn't think once, let alone twice about acting upon those thoughts.

I'm staying strong to my recovery, and a week on Monday will be my last night shift, before I have a week and a half off, and then commence day shifts in my nearby city centre. My only hope from my new day shift job (it's working for the same supermarket) is that I will be able to communicate and socialise with people more, to be quite honest. Extremely rarely do I see anybody outside of work other than family. It's virtually impossible to think of being able to develop anything close to a constructive relationship with somebody when I communicate with such few people in life, combined with my massive lack of self esteem and self confidence. I have had a feeling that I'm not good enough for anybody for quite a while now, and it will still be a lot of time before that feeling changes. But I'm getting better, and feeling better, day by day.

Each day in my recovery is like a piece of me being put back together and I'm looking forward to living the next milestones in my life and in my recovey journey. I have just 7 night shifts left til I leave, so I'm going to enjoy them, and go out on a high.

Best wishes to everybody recovering from this addiction. Stay strong.

-Ryan.

Start of Day 78, Monday 1 June 2015

Good morning!

I played some snooker last night with my cousin for 4 hours or so, as I had the night off work, and really enjoyed it. It's been quite some time since I played, and to get the opportunity to do so was enjoyable, espcailly considering I played pretty well. Hopefully it will become a regular thing. I'm working a night shift tonight, and will also hopefully hear back from one of my new job applications at some point today.

I had a relatively uunnerving experience when seeing my bank balance drop all of a sudden as I paid my rent and paid half towards the snooker yesterday, but this is the real world now. My mind is still telling me that if I want any luxuries then I have to have won the funds to do so. Speding money I have earned feels weird, I feel as though I need to have won something in order to treat myself, especially considering that I am back down to a minimum cashflow until payday in a week and a half. But there's no temptations really, nor am I even thinking about acting upon any.

A week on Friday I get paid, and I also see my counsellor on that day too.

A week today is my last night shift before I get transferred onto days.

And it's just 10 days til I pass the 87 days I accomplished during November and February earlier this year.

So things are looking up 🙂

Best wishes, and see you all soon,

Ryan.

Start of Day 79, Tuesday 2 June 2015

Good morning gamcare forum!

Quite a lengthy post today, but it's very open and honest.

This week has started off quite tough, to be perfectly honest. I worked a night shift last night, and got home about 2 hours ago. My boss gave me a tough time from the moment I entered, treating me very badly and effectively forcing me into working some extra shifts for the next 2 weeks, so I won't be finishing night shifts on Monday next week as I first thought.

I lost my head a bit at work this morning. It was the first major mood swing that I have experienced in quite some time. As a recovering compulsive gambler, I've had loads of minor mood swings. Indeed, a couple of weekends ago I went the whole weekend without talking to anybody because I was just feeling down and out. Anyhow, thoughts we're building up in my head this morning as I was putting out cereal at about 2:00am, it's easy to over-think things when your by yourself for 8 hours, and I entered a place where I would have been comfortable if my life ended at that moment. This is happening way too often now. I ended up losing my temper when I dropped a box and kicked a crate of granola across the floor (not damaging anything), I just needed to take my frustration out somehow.

I'm not somebody that shouts or yells. I cannot remember the last time I raised my voice, I don't think I ever have done. Instead, I build things up inside of myself and let out my emotions when it all gets too much by punching or kicking something, perhaps self-harming a little, but I aren't keen on the idea of self harm, it's not something that I've ever felt the need to do. But I try to do it where nobody will see me because I don't want to make a fuss really.

The most frustrating thing about this whole recovery programme is that deep down, I am a very lonely person. For one reason or another (not gambling related), I haven't kept any of my friends that I made throughout high school, college or university - and I've struggled to make any real ones during my time on night shift aswel. I guess (1st) part of it is due to gambling, (2nd) part of it is due to my rather different interests than most people my age, (3rd) part of it is because I've given up on people that have let me down and screwed me over many times, and the (4th) part of it is due to me not being too interested in nights out because I do not drink. It's a culmination of things I guess, I wouldn't ever consider myself a good person because of what I've done in the past, but I know I've got a great heart and would do anything for people close to me - it's just a shame these people don't exist.

Having anybody in my life that I could genuinely explain my problems to, somebody that understands my journey, somebody that knows me, somebody that could be there for me even once a year, would be an absolute dream. I've never had anybody in my life that has given one d**n about me really, I'm the only one that knows the extent of my gambling addiction, and when I'm feeling down I genuinely have absolutely nowhere to turn to other than a post in this forum when I've got my head back on track.

Aside from all this, I've stayed away from betting, and I will be working the next 3 nights, which is going to be a tough test. I wish I could take the next 2 weeks off work as sick leave, I wish I could tell my manager what I'm going through, but having time off won't help either. I'l just be at home. By myself. It's a never ending cycle of loneliness.

On a more positive note, I've got an interview for a new supermarket that's opening in my city centre, to work on day shifts there. I'm hoping that by starting at the same time as everybody else I may get to meet some new people and socialise a bit more frequently than I currently am doing.

Playing snooker with my cousin on Sunday night was fun, but it frustrates me that I can only see my cousin and experience playing competitive snooker once every couple of months or so.

Just a though - if I was in a casino, at least I'd be socialising? Not that I'm even thinking about going - it's just a sad state of affairs when this fact is brought to light.

As soon as I got home this morning (having worked 7 of the last 8 nights), it was apparent that my mum had woken on the wrong side of the bed, and was very quick to yell at me and shout, for extremely trivial things. This is part of what drove me into being a compulsive gambler in the first place. I've grown up being shouted at, ridiculed, and belittled, and as somebody that absorbs everything and hides my emotions inside, I found gambling to be a way of keeping my emotions under control. If somebody yelled at me, or made me feel angry or mad, then I would see winning a bit of money as the only way of feeling better.

The problem I have now is that whenever I feel down, sad or upset, I cannot turn to gambling, and I cannot talk to anybody either. I feel like I'm just containing all my emotions all of the time, and it's worrying me that suicide seems to be the best thing to do so frequently in my life. Whenever I contemplate suicide, including the thoughts I had this morning whilst I was working, I think about what I have going for me in my life. The only thing I can point to is that I would upset my birth mother who I have still yet to send my letter to. It's been 6 whole months now since she sent me her letter. I've taken a picture of myself to send to her as I am now, and I've nearly finished my responding letter, I just need to find the motivation and time to send my letter back to her. I can't pinpoint why I haven't sent it yet.

I'm going through some turbulent mood swings and I just never seem to feel right at the moment.

That will do for todays post. It's a lonely life. But I have to keep telling myself that I'm recovering. Somehow.

Best wishes to you all, and happy June 🙂

-Ryan.

[[[ edit: Just had a rather good and re-assuring chat with somebody from my work that has made me feel a little better just before I catch up on some sleep, I'm contemplating taking next week off sick as they have really messed me about, and I need that week to get myself together. Will post another update soon, but for now, have a good day 🙂 ]]]

Hi Ryan just read your diary there, and can def relate to when i was your age (im now 37) , like you in uni i was obsessed with gambling, thank goodness online wasnt about then , but my vices were slots back then, they would consume me, i get up early in the morning to plan and get the bus to an early morning lecture, pop into the arcade for a 5 minute gamble before the bus came at 9.10 ish and end up leaving the arcade at 8pm at night when it shut down. Crazy but that s how we compulsive gamblers heads are wired.

Keep going on the track your going mate , as gambling will only get worse and worse if you continue, its a fact.

I def found early going hard, but the support here and simple steps such as getting blocks on ur pc (gamblock) k9 safari, getting a new card and getting someone to scrape off the ccv number of the back, seriously helped me.

Also counselling i see ur going to GA meetings which is great, I found one to one counselling worked really well for me, to try and identfiy why i gambled (for me mainly boredom and escape from depression) and find different ways of getting a buzz without the need for gambling, playing a new instrument, new sport, joining gym, cooking course whatever floats ur boat mate.

We need to find something to replace that buzz in healthy way.

Im 266 days clean and i can like everyone else here can tell u that life does get better after time, just keep deciding not to bet one day at a time and the days soon mount up.

Hey Ryan, another emotive post from you...I don't know whether you think it will help or not but I have asked GC to contact you about swapping email addresses! It may seem crazy, a complete stranger reaching out to say 'I care' but I do! This site has rescued me & although I cannot promise you anything, I understand this addiction & am willing to listen!

Suicide is a really bad option 🙁 It may seem daunting but you are beating gambling which means you can do anything!

Despite what the addiction is telling you, being in a Casino is not socialising so kudos for choosing 'No' to that!

I know you are applying for other jobs but I really don't think the supermarket is challenging enough for you so keep putting in those applications! As for going off sick, I would avoid this if at all possible for 2 reasons, 1 the loneliness & 2 I don't think it looks good on a CV. If you can battle through even though this is a cruel blow & show that bully that you are able to take whatever he has thrown @ you, I think you will feel proud of you! I don't know if you have ever heard of the Peter Principle, (but it appears to affect most of us on here &) rising above his nastiness/incompetence is proof to yourself that you are better than that!

Completely agree with Gav, you need another interest! This is on the horizon so deep breaths, in for 7 out for 11 (it fools the brain into thinking everything is A ok apparently) & keep winning - ODAAT

Day 80, Wednesday 3 June 2015

Hi ODAAT and Gav, thankyou both for your posts, they mean alot and it's been a much more positive 24 hours for me.

This is just a short update as I'm in a bit of a rush, I'l post a more full response tomorrow.

Gav you are definitely right and I understand a lot of what you are saying, that's some sound advice and I'm still seeking out ways in which I can replace the void that gambling has left in my life. Hopefully by finishing night shifts in less than 1 week I will find more opportunities to find these alternative buzzes.

ODAAT, I would be more than happy to go along with your idea, it means alot that you have been following my journey, and I just want to re-itterate that the suicidal thoughts I experience are not something I have ever thought about acting upon, I just have the occasional worrying moments where my emotions gets the better of me and I enter a place where I would rather not be here any more.

I'm feeling a bit better today, despite a slightly chaotic night at work. We're all going through redundancy on the night shift at the moment, I'm fortunate to be moving onto day shifts but it's tough for the other guys. I am working 5 of the next 6 nights, then I am off work for 13 days (I am traveling to stay with my extended family for 5 of those days), and then I start on day shifts.

Best be going, thankyou very much for your posts and best wishes for today. Sorry it was short and sweet.

Ryan.

Start of Day 81, Thursday 4 June 2015

Here we are! Just 1 week away from passing my previous record of 87 days, it's come around pretty quickly in all honesty!

I've got a relatively nasty headache today, having finished my night shift just 3 hours ago. I am working tonight, and then Saturday, Sunday and Monday - and then I am finished with night shifts forever! I can't wait. The lifestyle change I so desperately need is definitely on the horizon! 🙂

@ODAAT - Thankyou for sending your request, I have received the e-mail from the forum admin and I have responded to that e-mail just this morning 🙂 Once again I'd like to say I really appreciate your post and support.

I am due to get paid a week tomorrow, and see my counsellor on the same day. The rest of this month, and indeed, the rest of this year, will signal a massive turning point for me in my life. I can't wait to start working day shifts, even if I will be finishing at 11pm, I'l have opportunities to take myself off and play snooker, or any other activities I feel like doing, without being confined to my bedroom all the time.

I've cancelled the interview I mentioned the other day, I'm going to stick with moving into the convenience store I have already secured for myself. So I'l see how that goes 🙂 My first day shift there is on Monday the 22nd of June - I'm really looking forward to meeting what I hope will be many interesting new people.

I haven't had any gambling thoughts in the past few days, which has been a massive positive. Indeed, I also felt able to donate a little bit of money to a free podcast this morning, that I get regularly involved with and enjoy listening to, something I could never have done in the past, without having won it. It's a turning point for me personally to spend money I have earned rather than won. Many of the things in my bedroom, such as my polo shirts and even a couple of large white boards, we're paid for from winnings, but where I inevitably went on to lose far more afterwards. I really hope this is the beginning of a change in my mentality and the way I see life.

That will do for today's little update. I'd best get some rest and get ready to work tonight's night shift. Best wishes, and see you all soon 🙂

-Ryan.

Start of Day 82, Friday 5 June 2015

Where do the days go?! I am pretty taken aback whilst typing todays date. It's 17 days til I start my new day shifts job, and just 4 sleeps til I am finished with night shifts forever!

Well, this morning was relatively productive. I had a good night at work, with no negative emotions, and I've finally got my letter and a photo of myself printed off, and sent to my counsellor, which will be sent to my birth mother hopefully by the end of next week. I'm nervous but excited, I really hope my birth mother will enjoy reading my first ever letter to her as much as I have enjoyed writing it (sounds cliche, but that's how I feel).

Gambling-wise, I haven't had any burning temptations, other than hearing a couple of references toward poker games on some podcasts I have been listening to, that have brought back memories. Poker has been my way back in during many of my other abstainances, but I'm keep to refrain from any card game activity, and not let it get the better of me this time!

I haven't found any decent jobs or graduate schemes to apply for recently, so there isn't much news on that front. I haven't heard back from any of the companies I put applications in for either, so I take it I've been uncusscesful. Oh well. What's meant to be, will be, maybe working day shifts at my supermarket for a while could be just what I need to continue getting my life back on track.

1 week today I will surpass my all time record for abstaince, with my longest period being 87 days. I also see my counsellor on that day.

Best wishes to all recovering gamblers on this forum. Whatever way you see it, together, we are all succeeding!

-Ryan

Day 83, Saturday 6 June 2015

Super tired and exhausted today!

I worked overtime last night (maybe stupidly.. at the time it seemed sensible), meaning that I have worked the last 5 consecutive nights. I'm also working the next 3 nights, and then I am done with night shifts forever! On the plus side I got to say goodbye to some extra people at work that I would not have seen otherwise.

No gambling thoughts whatsoever in the last 24 hours. I just have my mind focussed on work at the moment, and on wanting to play some snooker during my time off before I start day shifts on the 22nd of June.

I'm going to try and get myself intp a relaxed state of mine now, and try and catch some sleep in advance of tonight's night shift. Payday is on Thursday night. And I see my counsellor on Friday.

Best wishes to you all, hope you have great weekends!

-Ryan.

Ryan - apologies for not being around for you but you appear to be doing great. Really proud of you. You're a star pal and your posts are superb. I hope I can copy you in the forthcoming days, weeks, months and years!

Start of Day 85, Monday 8 June 2015

Seven down, one to go!

I've just finished my seventh night shift in a row an hour or so ago, leaving me with just tonight's night shift to work, before I am finished with them forever! It's been a relatively simple week for me as far as abstaining from gambling goes, I've hardly had any time to consider a bet as my mind has been occupied with work. I'm feeling a bit run down and will probably be out for a couple of days or when when I finish tomorrow morning.

I get paid on Thursday night, and will see my counsellor on Friday for my monthly meeting.

Thankyou @Change for your post, whilst it's great to see you back on the forum, I sympathise with your break in the chain - we both know you are more than capable of accomplishing what you want to achieve - your back fighting, which is heartening to see, these experiences only make us even stronger!

I'm looking into snooker coaching or something for when I get back onto day shifts. I'm also on holiday next week (just staying in the country) with my family and my nephew, so I'm looking forward to taking a week off things (I reckon I'l still have time to update here). But I'm going to have to be extra vigilent as I will have quite a bit of spare time to fill.

That will do for today's post.

Best wishes to every member of this forum - keep racking up those abstained days!

-Ryan