Ryan's Recovery

I'm so happy for you Ryan. You seem like a top bloke and every time I check you're posts you seem to be going from strength-to-strength. Really well done!

*your posts

Whoop whoop welcome to Club 100 Ryan 🙂

Good to see you're not afraid of getting your behind whooped & are taking your Dad on again 😉

Hope your 1st shift went well & fingers crossed with the young lady (you have a wise head on your young shoulders)!

I'm proud of you! Keep winning - ODAAT

Hi Ryan been following you're diary from the start , hope everything is ok. K x

End of Day 103, Friday 26 June 2015

Hello Gamcare Forum.. it's been a little while.. but day 103 is official! I've gone without a bet despite 2 horrible gambling company's best efforts to get me to go back to my old ways (see the big paragraph for my first official rant)..

Firstly, I had my first shift at work on Monday.. which went really well! Unfortunately I forgot to do any drinking or eating all day.. and I ended up with a nasty cold which had a lot of flu symptoms.. thankfully they have mostly subsided now. I worked today, and I am also working tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday.

I'm still talking to that girl I mentioned on here and saw her earlier this week whilst I was feeling a bit under the weather.. I think I was still able to gave a good impression.. and we're still getting along well. She's wanting me to be completely honest and open with her about everything.. I just daren't mention I'm a CG yet.. but I know I may have to at some point, if I am to know whether she is right for me.

Thankyou for all your posts about my day 100.. it went by pretty quickly, and I thought about it at the time too, and checked on here. They mean a lot. Onwards and upwards we go!

It's been a topsy turvey week though gambling wise. (A poker company that has stars in it's name) sent me a lovely e-mail saying welcome back.. your self exclusion has expired.. which was followed 2 minutes later by an offer of $15 free cash. They sure know what they are doing!!! I haven't got the software installed on my mac any more and nor do i want it - so I'l be sending them an e-mail back requesting my acount to be closed for the maximum duration. This was followed the very next day by (a casino that likes to party) sending me a postal advertisement, wanting to give me a welcome back gesture of $60 free play! If free money continues at this rate.. I'l be the richest man in the country. I find it disgusting that some companies can only self exclude you for 3 years and in some cases 1 year.. it doesn't take 1 year to get over a gambling addiction. It takes a lot more than that. A lifetime in my opinion. The fact that they can legally tempt you back in with free cash I find absolutely morally disgusting. But I haven't given in to their evil and sinister tactics to try and lure me back in.. this is my recovery and they're petty cash isn't enough to make me want to break this run of 103 days.

Best wishes fellow forum'ers.. stay strong!

-Ryan

Start of Day 106, Monday 29 June 2015

Hi Gamcare Forum, just checking in for today, my new job is going fantasticly well and I'm growing into it. For the time being I'm enjoying being on the tills in my convenience store, and I'm getting quite a bit of overtime done too.

I'm keeping busy and most of my days nowadays are starting to seem to have a purpose. It's not exactly the life I dream of, but it's a turning point, and something to build upon. There are brighter days ahead. I see my counsellor later on today at 1:30pm.

I am heading to sleep now. Take care and best wishes.

-Ryan

Start of Day 112, Sunday 5 July 2015 (updated at 12:40pm)

Good morning fellow forum members! It's been 6 days since my last post.. so now's about the right time to update my diary 🙂

Well, I'm towards the end of completing a 11 successive (and long) days in a row at work.. today will be day 10. At the moment I may be having 4 days off, although I am looking into working at least one of those if work can give me some overtime. I'm enjoying it, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.. I'm not exactly getting respected well by certain team leaders there, despite doing so much overtime for them.

To cut a long story short, I am only doing this overtime at my supermarket convenience store, as a way of being able to get myself out of the house and do something that could be perceived as socialising. Being at work genuinely is a more interesting and compelling proposition for me right now than staying in and playing the playstation or wasting my day away in front of a tv screen. I'd say I'm doing it 25% for the money and 75% to socialise and as something to do to keep me sane.

Here's my most recent reflection.... I just don't like being alone for long periods of time nowadays. In the past, even when I was alone in my room... I would never feel truely alone.. because I would be in my own little rollercoaster world of gambling experiencing it's ups and downs, and the live casino, poker, or matches of world football would always be there for me. Nowadays however, time spent by myself seems only to amplify the void that gambling has left in my life. If I am being brutally honest.. I am still yet to full that void. Right now, I'm just clogging the void in my life up with overtime at work, and hoping as if by magic that something will happen to change my situation. To be honest.. I've never exactly been optimistic on what my future will bring.. I don't see what I can actually change in my life in order to create a more compelling outlook for myself.

I haven't had any temptations really to speak of, and I'm no longer talking to that girl I spoke about a couple of weeks ago (nevermind). I played snooker with my Dad yesterday too and got torn part and lost 5-1. But I played exceptionally well in 1 frame so that's a reason to keep my head up 🙂 My only recent negative feelings, in all honesty, is that I just find it a little disheartening when my new colleagues ask me; 'so what do you do when your not working'.. and my honest answer to them is.. 'hardly anything'.

Stay strong, and keep living your recovery 1 day at a time.

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Firstly well done on your ongoing journey and you're truly progressing in more than one way. Glad to read you're enjoying your new shifts and getting better sleep now. I am on nightshifts and am trying to get out of those also. It messes with my body and mind too much.

I understand how you feel about overtime and filling hours in so you don't get bored. I am a "loner" and do like my own space...but, a little too much of it and it can turn completely opposite way and not in my favour. I guess it's all about balance and never stopping searching of what we can do next, how to fill those gaps with healthy stuff and start enjoying life again. It is never too late and you never know what's round the corner 🙂

Keep staying safe and marching on. Life is unfolding in front of you and you are in control of your choices, keep making the right ones...they will never stop giving!..and you're worth only best things in life ! Embrace those changes.

Take care

S x

Start of Day 116, Thursday 9 July 2015

Good evening gamcare forum 🙂 I'm going to keep today's update short and give you all a little update on how I'm getting along.

Firstly, thankyou Sandra. that's a great post, I do think there are certain traits about us recovering problem gamblers that means that we are all one of a kind in our own ways.. whether that's the way we think and act, the space and time we require in our lives, our values and perception toward monetary objects, or other thoughts and feelings, I do think we are all a little different in our own ways, when comparing ourselves toward people that have never had this problem.

I've worked the last 13 days straight at work, and today (Thursday) is a day off for me. I'l be catching my nights sleep soon, and then when I wake up I will have a driving lesson, pop to the post office, clean my room and then I will be applying for some jobs relating to my degree.

Right now I am re-watching The Real Hustle: Gambling Addiction Documentary with Alexis Conran; on YouTube. It was first broadcasted on the BBC about 3 or 4 years ago, I remember first watching it. It made so much sense to me.. talking all about gambling problems and how they affect people, whilst also having a bit of a fascinating story to it too. I'd recommend it for anybody recovering from this addiction, it can really put your addiction into perspective and give you a real urge to keep on abstaining.

Anyhow, that's my little post for today.

Best wishes, see you all soon 🙂

-Ryan

Day 127, Monday 20 July 2015

Happy Monday gamcare forum 🙂

It's been a short while, but now's the time for an update..

The past few days I have been in Scotland with my Dad watching the Open Golf championship, despite the weather not playing up, it's been a few enjoyable days! Of course, with any competiton such as this.. the idea of 'backing a winner' to watch whilst you are there is quite appealing.. however, despite finding a few favourites I wanted to back, I was able to keep myself at a distance from the bookmakers. So.. with a combination of determination and motivation, I've succesfully made it to day 127 without a single bet, but I aren't going to get too far ahead of myself, as we are all only 1 bet away from another potential slide.

I've been working alot too whilst not at the golf, almost every day, to try and keep myself busy. Since starting to work in convenience, I genuinely find going to work more fun and more compelling than staying at home playing games and not socialising.

So today I will be watching the last round of the golf which is on the telly, as well as hopefully finding some time tonight to check out other peoples stories on this forum, and regain some inspiration to take me through the coming weeks and months. I am then working the next 5 days.

On Friday I have my counselling session before I start work.

Keep going, keep staying strong, keep showing the gambling industry who's boss, this is 1 addiction that isn't going to beat us!!!

-Ryan

Well done Ryan on an amazing 127 days.

Suzanne xxx

Day 129, Wednesday 22 July 2015

Today's post is about filling a temporary void.. and contemplating my seemingly never-ending gambling mindset.

Thankyou Suzanne and GT for your posts! I'm on somewhat of a roll, there's no denying it, but this evening has been full of urges since having finished work (more of this later).

Firstly, I mentioned a month or so ago that I was talking to a new girl, and we were getting along great up until today, we really clicked and I met her 4 times, but it's just not something I feel that I want to go any further with. She is a over-thinker and requires 24/7 attention (which is not necessarilly bad). But 24/7 attention is something I have only ever given to gambling, and something I am just simply not capable of at this moment as I try and sort out my career and my own recovery.. so without going into too much detail, it's a shame, but perhaps I met her too early on in my recovery 🙂 My previous gambling habbits have taken away a lot of motivation in my life and in my career, but looking back to day one, I really am substantially regaining my motivation week by week.

There are no hard feelings, I know she wasn't for me and vise-versa.. but having mutually agreed earlier today that we weren't a perfect match for each other, there almost seems to be another temporary void in my life. So, my mind has been up to it's usual tricks, and has been making me serously consider playing some poker to bring back some sort of excitement and to make myself some money on the side. Of course, these are ridiculous temptations, another test in the road to recovery, but the idea of fun seems to have disappeared from my life completely in recent months, perhaps that's why my mind keeps playing these tricks with me. But in the back of my mind I know that poker has led me onto heavier forms of gambling in the past, and I am not going to let a cheap thrill potentially lead me back into potentially dangerous activities.. not after 129 days.

Even this far into my recovery, I am still viewing luxury products with a gamblers mindset. Buying food and drink for myself, as well as paying rent and other essentials doesn't affect me. But recently; whenever I have seen a new polo shirt I like the look of, or a new pair of headphones I think I may like, just looking at the price tag leads toward gambling thoughts running through my mind. It's like an instant thought that pops into my head, thinking that I can only buy these things if I have won the money to do so. I spent 3 years of my life only ever buying things for myself with winnings (this laptop, my current headphones, half of my wardrobe and my tv in my bedroom, to name just a few). But I know that if I included all my losses, the things I have purchased with my winnings wouldn't even come to a quarter of what I could have had.. perhaps a car on the drive, or I could have already moved out.

I'd be intrested in hearing from any other members of this forum that are in their recovery and still have thoughts of having to pay for things with winnings (as referred to in the previous paragraph)? As I am a little concerned that these thoughts are still in my head after almost 130 days.

Anyhow, I've worked the last 2 mornings, and I am working the next 3 evenings, I have a counselling session on Friday before work too, before having Sunday off. I personally can't wait to reach 140 days, which will be 20 weeks of abstainance. Seeing the number of days I have abstained on my Gamcare profile is what is keeping me so determined.. as well as getting ever closer to doubling my previous record of 87 days. Two little milestones I can't wait to see pass by.

Take care fellow recoverers, speak soon 🙂

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Very well done on your g free days and way to go!
Cannot really share anything on the "winnings" subject..and to be honest i didn't get anything from them cause all winnings went bk into machine 🙁 ..not sure if to laugh or cry at this stupidity to be honest but that's true..i never bought anything with "that" money - tokens...all i have is through my work.
What i relate to tho, was the relationship subject. I guess i know where you're coming from and i found myself in very similar situation. Not so sure if i like the person yet, but we seem to click on quite well also..still in the back of my head i think im not ready for the relationship..esp after my recent slip...plus, i am honest person and would like to tell him about my addiction so the question is when is the right time? ....i don't know, it's complicated..there are many more reasons for my doubts about venturing out and sharing my soul with someone,..plus trust is something i struggle with really bad and i guess only time can show on that one.. i guess things happens for the reason and same with you ...you will know when you're ready to give your time and all what comes with a relationship..it will come sooner ir later....i suppose you're right, this is just something new for us where attention has to be directed for other soul and not cold machine. Keep making the right choice for yourself, work towards your goals, the rest will unfold accordingly.

Sorry for the ramble,
Keep doing what you doing - it's working!

Day at a time

Sandra x

Day 137, Thursday 30 July 2015

Good evening,

Unfortunately I had just spent 30 minutes or so writing out a lengthy post, responding to both your (Gt and Gandra) posts, and also about my past week, but then my browser crashed and there is no way of getting my paragraphs back. It's absolutely gutting, as I was speaking from the heart and wanted to get quite a lot off my chest. So I'm just going to post this and 'check-in' for today, as I am a little too tired now to type it all out again, and I have work in the morning. I am going to be sensible and will hopefully find some time to re-post my message later on tonight (Friday).

After work today I am going to play some snooker with my father, so it has the makings of being a fun evening, even if he does end up beating me quite convincingly 🙂

Hoping everybody is getting by just fine with their recoveries. Thinking about you all. Speak soon and best wishes,

-Ryan

Day zero, Tuesday 4th of August 2015

Don't really want to talk about this relapse much, but I've known this day was coming - increased boredom, lack of socialising, lack of overtime at work, and today at work my manager told me I 'need to improve' despite putting in exceptional effort and doing absolutely tons of overtime - so this annoyed me. I literally have zero friends, nobody to do anything with.

So I deposited on a poker site a couple of days ago, didn't play with it, but eventually caved in after today's shift and played some poker, which lost. This then led to roulette.. I haven't lost anything but don't want to talk about money at the moment. It was medium stakes.

I just don't know how to feel at the moment. I'm a mixture of anger toward work, upset at having to spend the next day and a half at home by myself, and disbelief at the fact I've just broke my chain of nearly 5 months without a bet. But I've just felt so down recently and I genuinely have absolutely nobody and nowhere to turn to. I've wanted to talk to people for the past week or two, but I just feel at though I haven't had anybody to turn to when I've needed it most. But it's nobody elses fault. This is all my doing. I clicked deposit and I chose to go on those sites. Onwards and upwards. If I can make it through tomorrow, I believe I am back on the recovery train - destination happiness!

Let's see how tomorrow goes - I am not working, I am at home all day, which is worrying me - but at the same time, provides me with a chance to put things right!

Best wishes to you all,

-Ryan