Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hey Gavvvv, lovely to hear from you, and with 496 days under your belt, that is something to be proud of..

Don't forget we can drink even more over the Xmas period and well done you for wanting to do something about cutting back, I think when we have a bad hangover at work through drink, we know, it's time to cut back. It's strange I can drink to my limit, I know how many I can have before I turn, and I am happy to know my limitations on that one, I wished I could have done that with gambling, but that's a different ball game, (to me ) be proud of your gamble free days, and your no smoking days, and for realising you are drinking too much, I don't have to tell you anything else, except keep taking care of you, and don't let another potential addiction creep in, because apart from anything else, that gambling one, will never disappear for good, it will always be there,

no point in putting fat on the fire.

January is a depressing month, I know you will get that natural high soon, keep holding on tight,,and keep on keeping on.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Gav, were you drunk when you tried to play football with your phone :-0 Probs a bit late now but I've got a hard screen protector on mine so may be worth considering one when you get it fixed? I think it cost about £25 but (no bubbles like the soft ones) I'm a right clutz & I could have spent that 10 times over I suspect the amount of times it has been dropped since!

Ouch to most of the above & man, you gotta cut down on the alcohol...I'm so sorry to hear about your sister 🙁 Addiction is hateful but you know it is there, living inside you & you recognising/admitting that will be what enables you to deal with this the way you have dealt with gambling - ODAAT

Couldn't resist a whoop whoop on 500 days my friend 🙂

I'll second that whoop whoop on 500 days as well !!!'

501!!!! Better late than never 😉

Keep on keeping on

Sandra x

Thanks for the message of support 513 days now, new cover for phone and glass screen protector ha (thanks Odaat!). Now planning in getting out more in the evenings , playing badminton more, taking dog out longer, rather than sitting on sofa with a pint of cider! strarting to get the brighter evenings now ! roll on the summer. Also looking to book holiday for summer time for kids, something to look forward to! Keep fighting the fight folks, over and out.

Thanks for your continuing support too Gav, soo pleased to see you on 513 amazing days of freedom from gambling, and hey I like a dabble at badminton too, good exercise :))

It really is lovely to read all is well in your world, and do it should be, you deserve no less :)))

Take care

Suzanne xxx

602 days without a gamble, sorry folks havent been on here much but things going well enough i guess. Just wanted to sign on to show it can be done, keep stong!

GAVVVV lol,

To be honest when your name appeared on the forum, I thought I do hope not, and it's absolutely wonderful, fantastic to see you on an amazing 602 days, you sure are doing it my friend, enjoy everything that recovery gifts you, and yep you are soo right it can be done:)))

Take care and keep winning for real.

Suzanne xxx

622 days gamble free. I've got to admit im not in a good place now, as you've all read in my diary I have issues with the old bottle. Im amazed i've abstained from gambling for so long, but my drinking is getting way way way out of control. I lost my sister alcoholism 4 years ago, i saw how it devastated our family and hers, my parents especially my dad will never get over it.

The weeks before she died i said some pretty nasty stuff to her and thats the last time i got to speak to her before she passed away leaving behind 2 young kids.

Anyway i'm just off the back of my lastest bender solid drinking from thursday night to y day and am sitting in work feeling and looking like death! Mints stuffed in my mouth to try and hide the smell. I was in such a bad state on saturday night i was roaming the streets shouting , completely off my rocker , texting my wife telling her i was going to top myself and to look after our children. Crazy stuff, she actually had to phone my brother who's v good living and he had to come and pick me up and take me home.

The v nice day i wake up still half blocked and while wife was in out with kids, went out to get another half bottle of vodka and i was back off on a bender! completely irresponsible.

I know im on the wrong site for all this, but i needed to get if off my chest. I need to sober up i need to STOP alcohol completely has its killing me mentally and physically. Like the gambling, no half measures, complete cessation and i need to get some counselling and the hole sister thing is eating me up. This is the darkess i've felt in quite some time, I cant believe what im doing to myself. Wish i could be more upbeat but im in a world of hurt at the moment.

Gavin.

Hi Gav,

I'm Sandra - compulsive gambler, an alcoholic, chain smoker & whatever other addiction you can add to my personality.

Glad you shared your troubles. I hid behind the bottle for over 16 years, not spirits (ha..seen that, denial for not being an alcoholic) but lighter stuff..however...it destroys us huh..clouded mindset, not even sure which one is worse - gambling or drinking. I reached the bottom line good month ago...had some horrible posts written by myself, upsetting people,..then it all was carried over to my job where i nearly left in the middle of the shift with intention of getting drunk (cause that's what you do to run away from your troubles) & might as well topping myself off!
Addiction is escalating and only now i start realising that all of you good ppl on here have seen me P****d more times than sober! Seriously, my posts was near enough inflicted by alcohol all these pasts 3 years..

I am so so sorry to hear about your sister.RIP..
Alcohol kills...same as gambling.. it just has more affect on our health also..it destroys us from the inside out.

I walked through AA door over 3 weeks ago..i found hope. I would definitely offer you to try it. Amazing atmosphere and the stories..the sharing...well, you have to be there to feel what those stories does to you and how you relate to every single word.

You need help Gav, please take it..don't hurt yourself or your family no more..you can recover ...you truly do, there is life out there...& it's 100% better than the one you're living now..don't give up, drink will only sink you lower...you know that yourself, you already pointed what it does to your mindset and physical health.

Get your life bk on track - you're worth it..one day at a time!

Ps..awesome gf time - now start adding days of sobriety ;-)...you can do it!

Hugs
Sandra

Hi Sandra and thanks for replying, you understand as you've been thru it youself, it s horrendous. Im 38 and have had issues with the booze for most of my adult life, I've hit rock bottom before and this is right up there, in the past i was gambling and drinking togther which was a recipe for disaster. When i m not drinking i'd like to think im a pretty good guy, but when i've got a drink into me, theres no stopping me, goodness know s what people thought of me , on saturday night shouting , rambling, staggering standing on the edge of a wall threatening to throw myself into the water, im actually lucky i didnt fall in as i was that wasted. I've tried AA before and met some pretty nice people but i only went into it, half heartingly,. They told me its a progressive ilness which will only get worse and yes they were right. im going to organise some counselling i am still deep down blame myself for my sisters death. Thanks again and all the best on your journey, a day at a time!

Hey Gav ☺

Thanks for your post. .. I truly understand where you're at the minute. The things we do while under the influence huh :-/...i also notice that after physical withdrawal the mental one hits even harder..that doesn't come straight away, for me it takes couple of days and affects every aspect of life.
I have drank for very long time..very heavy. I drank either till i passed out or there was no alcohol in the house. Saying that, i would stock up ridiculously for my days off. Can't say i drank during working shifts..that's not to say that it wouldn't of escalated if i still carried on. Warning signs become bigger and red flags start waving more than ever...3-4 drinks wasn't enough...7-9 became a norm :-(...that's about 17 glasses...Jeeezzzzz...just now noticed how much that is)
I am not sure if I'm still partly in denial. All i know, i don't want to get worse than i am and if i carry on as i do - it will get worse..i will simply die. Honest thruth.

It isolates you, makes you hate yourself, blame yourself for everything..it's mindfook to tell you the least...but..you know that yourself.

Rooms are magic for me. I struggle to get to them cause addiction plays with my mind and i think i "deserve" a relaxing time with a glass in my hand..but when i eventually go there ...i feel absolutely amazing and the coin flips upside down. I get the clarity, i get the reality of what it does and i get the sense of hope that working at this one day at a time everything will start falling bk into place.

I did some horrible stuff in the past while under the influence of alcohol. The one and main one i will never forget was getting over the limit maybe 10 times but deciding to jump in a car (cause we're invincible then huh) and drove around 15 miles to get some weed..i used to mix everything on the go...i am so so lucky that this incident don't have devastating consequences..i couldn't live with myself if i did something to another innocent soul on that journey 🙁

Yes, it is progressive illness..i am a little scared to go back to it because as far as i heard it knocks you down 100 times worse.

Please don't blame yourself for the loss of your sister...it is easy to do that... but you need to carry on, hold her in your memories and make her proud for having the strength and desire to fight the addiction...i am sure she looks down and is willing you on to keep fighting..family needs you, you need yourself.

I am glad you're looking into counselling. I am sure sessions will help on all aspects of your life. Drink is one of the escape routes from reality..same with gambling...or if ya combine two - disaster is not a word.

Keep climbing back to life as i do the same. It hurts, it needs encouragement and pushes...but i am sure the end result will be something we couldn't expect ourselves ☺..life & real emotions we hardly remember how they feel.

Thank you for the post..helped me greatly...truly did! Just sat on the beach and looking for the another meeting tonight..an hour away so best rush bk home to change and get on my recovery to sober life..

Stay safe - keep fighting!

Thanks again for posting, a fairly rough night, sweats wakening every 20-30 mins , dry mouth, anxiousness, you know what i mean. Then getting up and facing another day of work, sleep deprived again. I totally get what you say when you talk about the mental side days later, to me it was /is a numbness and fear of not having another drink again, depression. Yet what people told me in AA was DD drink = depression. The fact that im abusing alcohol in an attempt to solve my depression, depressive thoughts, anxiousness is actually making me feel worse and more depressed! Its crazy it really is. Like you i blame myself i look into my kids eyes and think what sort of a father am i? to solve that i crack open more wine beer or cheap white cider lately, leads to more feeling of guilt and the magic circle of utter madness continues, continually doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome is madness!

I try and take some positives out of my life, the fact that i've abstained from gambling for over 600 days does amaze me, and shows addictions can be broken. Im going to speak to brother tonight and decide were to go next. AA counselling , cbt maybe all these things? try and identify why i feel the need to drink, why am i unhappy and what i can do about it.

I did the normal last night and googled loads of alkies stories of recovery, and like you said how they got their emotions and life back on track. I've been hiding behind the bottle since i was around 16, im now 38 and sh8t has got serious as i've 2 young kids, a house a job and i know for a FACT that all this will be gone if i continue on this path of destruction. I mean i was swaying on a wall with a 20 foot drop into water on saturday night, off my trolley, one slip and that would have been it, if thats not rock bottom i dont know what is. (i've numerous other similiar stories involving taking insane risks as well) Yet deep down some twisted part of me tells me, you deserve that glass of wine, if other people can drink normally why cant I , its not fair etc etc, our addictive nature to our brains. Yet i feel this could be a big turning point in my life, a chance to start living again, so i've taken a small step in recovery, i plan to continue on this path, i've a few old AA friends, which i've p*s**** off over the years with numerous texts and phone calls, but im sure they would like the sober Gav back. so would my familly, so would I!

Good morning Gav,

Was just about to check on you this morning ☺ & here you are posting!

You're absolutely right, same as any addiction, we repeat the same act expecting different outcome - insanity for sure!
It is a dirty secret isn't it. I suppose you same as me have never told anyone exactly how much you drink. I remember going to GP with my 'depression'..she prescribed me antidepressants and asked if i drink..i said "just a little"...o*g! what a cocktail that has been for over a year on and off! I drowned deeper and blamed antidepressants not working..having depression still and so on..ha...what a madness - i kept killing myself all along and stayed in denial..tablets never gonna work being mixed with alcohol..how daft i was all that time..i only wrote a death sentence for myself. Alcohol is illness, it is the main depression drive & you will die from it sooner or later...there is no other outcome that's for sure.

The fear of not having a drink is something i relate to a lot..i actually talked to one person last night voicing my fear about birthday/Xmas...she asked why I'm looking so far ahead? Concentrate on today! That's all what you need to do. It truly made sense and i thought that who knows how i feel by that time, i might be able to learn to deal with them all and appreciate a glass of juice ☺..i also think that people around me won't understand. This is scary thought cause i truly don't wanna be laughed at or being told "one drink won't hurt, don't be silly, how cant you stop"..it is still kind of shameful "not being able to control it"..but i know i can't and need to stick to recovery. I passed a invite on BBQ last night at my sisters..firstly i had my priorities eg. Meeting but secondly i wanted to stay away from temptation...i am still v vulnerable.
I am 30 and i was drinking from the age of 14-15. It gave me good feeling, being like others, numbing some stuff from my life...continues cycle...all those years. It did get worse when i come here and stared living on my own two feet. I am a functional alcoholic. I managed to work and function in the day only cauze i knew my "reward" is waiting. Saying that now, i guess cause of the after affect from alcohol i did take few days off sick..so i can drink more! It's maddness isn't it? It all starts in the head and we think it helps us to think or sort issues out, when in reality it slowly kills us inside...i am also very surprised i managed all the courses, kept a job, passed driving test, stayed on fitness track...just everything....but looking back now...it was a huge struggle and still is..it's not over yet and to change the behaviour we are so used to (half our life huh) is so so hard...it is learning all over again.
I have huge addictive personality. I always "needed" something to numb my feelings out. ..and now i need to learn to live without my clutches..i actually told our good friend ODAAT that "ffs am i allowed to do anything?..no drink, no gambling..what next - quit smoking?"..i guess this is another example how clowdy our heads gets. It's frustration that we cannot live with these as other people can. It takes so much guts to admit that we're defeated and went "overboard", but my friend, i can clearly see that you want to set yourself free! You have the understanding of what it all doing to you, deep down you admit you have a problem, you surrender...this is only the beginning but so so important in recovery. First step forward huh.

Your family cares about you, your little kids (o*g how i love a pic of this lil angel) needs their Dad, they count on you & you can give so much back! You truly can and i know you want to get better.
I'm no way an expert, i still have devil on my shoulder but i think a little clearer now,i see that things can change and don't have to be the way they are....i have hope, i get strength from people in recovery...finally i admit I'm not an outcast, there are people out there who walked in my shoes and turned their life around. I know i can do it too - i just need to grab that helping hand and follow their footsteps.

Gav - you're great soul. You can fight the addiction,you already doing more than great job with gambling! You are stronger than you think! Just for today my friend...that's all you need to do..
Grab that helping hand and move away from self destruction...you have a lot to give, don't drown yourself..you deserve a life and everything it offers...we need you! Your family needs you and you need to keep climbing and reintroducing yourself to that great man - Gav.

Take care ok, i believe in you & want you to believe in urself too....
Recovery is possible

Sandra x