Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Never on your own ☺

Please keep talking if you find it a little helpful.. hope your day is good to you & good restful sleep will follow

Keep fighting as you so wonderfully do with gambling addiction!

a lot better nights sleep last night and had good chat with my bro. Tuesday night was a typical drinkign night as wife works then and i normally sort kids dinner out and get stuck into the booze, not last night, i had dinner together with my kids and played with them outside for a bit before getting them to bed and then phoned my bro for hour or so.

Good to wake up with clear head this morning , 624 days off the gambling and 4 days off the booze. Day at a time eh!?

Hey Gav,

Whoopy doo! Very good to hear your sleep was restful. I find it a little calming now too....I'm not sure if it's me but i also noticed the taste in food ☺..don't want to swap it with obsessive eating but d**n doesn't it taste great! I even shared that yesterday and room gone in stiches lol

I always drank, but yes, in my head i thought it's wayyyyy better than gambling so hapilly sat on my own and emptied bottles one by one..however, the places i got to in my head more than once took me to online and off i went!..it was vice versa, if i had a lapse i never played cleared headed..always went to the shop so i can combine both... maddness!..proper isolation and getting back to society is quite tough for me but so so rewarding already ☺
My days are a lot longer now. I can't believe that! The pattern you talk about is really common. My sessions started around 6-7 on days off...till 2-3 am. Shocking cause if it was my first day off, i woke up around one ish, have coffee, start waking up, maybe get a run in and bam...open a bottle...day gone! No day lived at all.
Not a life to live, no wonder i drowned deeper in depression and the anger & self pitty went through the roof.
Very early days but i already see what's on offer 😉 ..glad you joining me! 24 days no gambling/ 24 days no booze!

Day at a time indeed ☺

Have a good day & of course another restful sleep!

Ps. Have you looked into counselling or groups yet?..maybe worth to ring your old friends from AA..you knownthere is no judgement there at all..they understand.

S

Hello Friend & what a heart wrenching few posts from you & for what it's worth, I do think they belong here! Addiction is addiction my friend & whether you are escaping the pain with gambling or alcohol or anything else that you can think of, it's still the same G*****n hurt! That's why the root cause of addiction needs treating, rather than just cutting out the poison because there are too many poisons out there to keep running from them! Those weeks leading up to your sister's death can't be undone but whatever you said & it don't make it right but I imagine I would have said & done a whole lot worse...I can't bear the thought of adults damaging themselves as their children watch on helpless! I grew up with an alcoholic & I'm not sure if it was that or the years of class A drug abuse that finally addled his brain but please, Gav, you have to get help for your bairns! Whatever you & I guess your sister went through, there has to be another way to cope!

I'm so glad it wasn't your time last weekend & I'm glad your bro is there for you but chomp that piece of humble pie if you have to & get back to those abandoned friends, any worth their weight will accept you & be alongside you as you make your amends!

Don't be a stranger mate, we may not all here understand the pull of alcohol but we all want recovery - ODAAT

Thanks folks for your posts and input. Another restful night, though finding it hard to drift off. Went out for long walk last night, chatted to friend (non AA). Bascially told him what the booze was doing to me and that it needed to stop. I want to get a few weeks sobriety into me before i speak to some guys from AA, i know they'll tell me to get down to a meeting asap and keep going everyday but i cant do that as my wife works shifts and i mind the kids. I will contact them, my head is just still a bit cloudy.

I had so many relaspes with drink and gambling combo, but for some reason i found it in me to continue drinking and stop the gambling, however addiction is addiction and both of them are killers.

I guess my sister and me never adapted well to parenthood, i've stated them all through my diary. That and dealing with stress, everyone has stress, but instead of facing up to our problems we hid, via hard liqeur and is my case gambling as well.

I've a lot of making up to do with a lot of people, but i feel im on the right track. Nice long wk end as im off tomorrow and monday weather looking good, so plenty to do round the garden and dump runs to clear garage out. (as well as clearing the bottles ((empty)) of vodka from the garage rafters , sigh!!) One day at a time, dont get ahead of myself , i tend to think ,what am going to do then and then and after that, first things first, take her a day at a time.

From speaking to my brother we discussed how addiction runs wild in our familly, from the death of gran from cirhosiss of liver (in her 70's) my grandad was a heavy heavy gambler remembering him subjecting me to horse racing when i was young and thinking how bloomin boring it was, thinking how could anyone find that exciting and 20 years later, watching the exact same thing, with my heart going like the clappers, the sweaty palms, the buzz, even it lost or won, the buzz, was immense, addiction had got me. To my sister dieing in her early 40's to alcoholism, she started to go off the reels when she had a familly, i remember back to days years ago when i give her lifts down to town, its just clicking with me now, she was going to go sdtraight to the pub or off license. I did try and get her to go to AA as i was going there at the time, but she just told me she couldnt cope, thats all she said, even when she was hospitalised , her kids went up to visit her, she escaped at went on another binge leaving her children in the waiting area. My ssister was a good person before she got ill, she used to take me out shopping listen to Queen greatest hits when tidying up, then she just got really nasty, i mean real nasty, but i now know it was the bottle that made her that way.

Sorry for the rants, but i needed to get that out, guess i better get back to my work,

thanks again folks.

Hey Gav,

Just me again ☺. Really nice post and well done you for putting plans in place for the weekend. I find it really hard on days off but having a plan and follow it to the best ability is a must.
Very pleased to hear you have spoken to your friend and brother. I suppose i will have no choice but to have the same conversation with my sister on my upcoming holiday. That will be a test for sure because a chilling cold beer on a hot day on the beach is something what i always did while away..or going out at nights cause bars are all over the place and people enjoying themselves..since i cannot enjoy myself (shameful laugh to myself) & since there is 100% of going back my old ways, i need to share that i cannot have that first drink on any circumstances..but i shall cross that bridge when i have to, it's nearly 3 months away.
Definitely do what you think is the best. Only if you really feel you're struggling, please don't wait any longer and get in touch with people who walked in your shoes.
Me & you know how it works..it can strike unexpectedly and in the moment of time we think "it's ok", no harm is done, just today and tommorow i will start again. I suppose that's just addicts logic..expecting different outcome huh.
I am not flying in my meetings also. Usually i have to put up the fight to get there, but as you know - it's worth it & my mindset flips over completely during & after the meeting.
I tried and am still trying to find words re your Sister..i don't know what to say, i cannot take your pain away...all i know, i don't want you to carry the blame & hurt. You can and are keeping her in your thoughts/prayers.
40 years is really young age but I'm sure she had a laughter, wonderful memories and love surrounding her. Addiction took her away and just maybe dear Gav fight for her & yourself. Go through all the emotions & physical pulls having a great heart to coming out the other side.
It is long journey but you and i are ready. I guess as every recovery, it will become easier in time. Rooms works for me, they balance me out & even if deep down i still want that relief i am trying to understand that it will not end well. As far as I've been told by Mum, my Dad's family died from alcoholism. I have never seen my grandparents or most of his brothers/ sisters. Do i have addiction in my blood? ...

I really like the clarity i get now.me saying "i want to live" is absolutely miracle. I guess i just have that hope and determination to recover. There is better life out there & as for you...man...you have family and lovely kids! So much to give and enjoy.. you're young, you truly deserve so much going forward ☺..same with me i guess (lol...soon turning bk at me huh), let's see what is out there, as far as i have seen through other recovering addicts eyes - there is peace, balance, calm and clarity towards life. Am i being selfish wanting that also? ...hmmm..maybe but you have to be selfish in recovery. A line which stuck with me - you have to prioritise sobriety - family, work, friends, general life will only get better as long as you make the right choice for yourself ☺

Have a good day! & hopefully better sleeps will keep treating you well going forward..no miracles Gav, just you and your clear head 😉

Laters
S

Hope you have a good & peaceful weekend enjoying the company of your loved ones ☺

Stay safe....just for today ☺

S

How are you keeping on Gav?

S x

No im pretty far from alright back gambling drinking loss loss loss loss loss im too much of a coward to kill myself im back to square one, after over 600 days. im back to square one , im sorry folks this addiction sucks, ive let myself and countless others down, 2 episodes of gambling over 400 quid down im more determined to get myself back in order, just feeling v sorry for myself, for everyone with long periods of absistance, relapse can strike at anytime, i've no idea what made me do it, but like always it involved booze and self pity. sorry all

im devastated, my mind drifts away for few mins then BANG its hits me "what have i done " why why why why why? I dont understand as i finally got it in my head then i cant win with the addiction, no matetr what i mean would be repaid and more put in. Anyway whats done is done, but i finally thought i had this addiction licked, with many more to solve, i guess i wont be sleeping for the next few weeks, i scratched off my 3 digits in the back of the card, which worked wonders in the past for stopping online. Got to move on and rack them days up again. Thanks for your post 38 years.

Just read back on all my old diaries from 2009. Sigh you'd think i'd learned, its ground hog day for the past x amount of years, drinking gambling the terrible two. f eck i've done some pretty mad things of the years. Spent i dread not think about it. Wish i could just rewind a week when i was going well, well going well with the not gambling but f ing up in every other department. I cant live like this anymore, I need to sort myself out, for me and my kids. Right positive thinking, I need to get my clear, i know that will take weeks.

Hi Gav,

Don't know where to start but start somewhere i must!
Feeling for you, truly do. Please don't let your mind to think f**k it, bk to day one so why not to keep self destructing..you will have these thoughts and you have to be prepared for them.
Firstly you're not back to day one, you have come way further than that. Don't forget that please!
Secondly, work out what triggered this and strengthen the barriers where needed.
Can you speak to your wife about it? Does she know that you're struggling? As you know - shared problem is problem halved.

I can not dish you advices because I'm in the same boat of "i will deal with it tommorow"..& you know what that is - running around in circles.
But i know the answer of getting better and you know it too. Please make that step for yourself and your family. You know it can work magic.

Please stay safe and most importantly - keep talking...just get it all out, it will help you to deal with thoughts you have whirling round in your head.

Look after yourself - just for today and tommorow repeat the mantra 🙂

S x

Thanks,my mind is doing ten to the dozen, and yes ur right the f k it thoughts have been ruminating, but i've no back up this time no spare savings to dig into, i need to sort this out. I think it was out of guilt self pity knowing deep down i need to stop the booze, where a sudden urge just came over me, the last time i relasped (yrs ago) i was getting temptations and gambling thoughts for months before i gave into temptation but this time it was just bang, within an hour of watching poker games on youtube then big wins from slot machines on youtube (how f ing sad is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to bang google online slots then proceed to f up, i have no idea what possessed me but self pity def was the instigator. The thoughts of lets bet small to get the money back have crossed my head, but now im just thinking never again, i've done 600 days lets do another 600 plus some, trying to create some positivity from sh t neg brain. Sigh, bol ox , just for today eh?! Thanks for your posts.

Keep spitting the poison out and don't forget to breathe.
Can't help but feel guilty for being part of the mind f**k cause i start all the talk about alcohol. Genuinely sorry about that Gav..you know it was good intentions. Dealing with both is very hard, i myself gave up the fight briefly and know i need to stand bk up and quickly!

Hmmm...hanging round at barbers story huh..yes, i know that feeling. Nothing good comes out of watching those vids..did it myself and know how big of a trigger it can be.

Just be kind to yourself ok, accept the losses and get back on the wagon.

Wish you well, and again - deepest apologies if i woken up a devil in you.

Take care x

Sandra your are not at fault at all so dont be feeling guilty, i've appreciated your advice and posts its good to know were not alone in our struggles with addiction, so please keep posting 🙂

Anyway i've been thinking a bit about what happened and i need to open and honest especially if im going to kick these demons.

My drinking got real bad when i found out i was going to become a dad, i always was a heavy drinker / gambler before this but not at the alcoholic type stage though at times it was bordering on it. I was literally petrified when i found out my wife was pregnant i felt sick , my mates winding me up telling me my life was over joking but deep down i was bricking it, the selfish nature of my thinking , i admit that i can be very selfish putting myself before others. This is when my drinking when fubar, the hiding of bottles, the drink in the morning, the sitting up to 7 in the morning playing online slots barely being able to stop to take a p8ss as i didnt want to stop spinning. this was the pattern for a long time, till i started counselling. (which i need to do again). Anyway this latest relapse of gambling came at a time when i was v down and drinking like a fish (see prev posts). My brother who is very religious (elder in church) spoke to me and decided to do a short course with me, i said yes but on the night we were meant to meet i decided to get a bottle of vodka and drink away at it and canclled, i struggle with Religion, i do believe but i have doubts, and Its the GUILT that i think made me gamble, GUILT hateful thing. the GUILT of what i said to my sister , the GUILT of all the time and money i wasted in gambling, the GUILT of drinking way too much , the GUILT of thinking im a bad father, the GUILT of having a poor relationship, the GUILT of my struggle with religion, the GUILT of not doing more for my parents.

GUILT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a complete rant but i need to get it out. So i've indentified self pity, guilt, selfishness.

All negative atrrributes. HOWEVER, there is light, i have gone almost 2 years without a gamble and in this time i felt pretty good, i still spent money of stupid things like new tv's computer sport gear etc etc that i didnt really need, but i didnt give a penny to gambling. So i can do it, but since when i started posting here in 2009 my numero uno issue in the bottle , its need addressed, along with counselling to find out and deal with what s making me do what i do. Ill deal with my issues like it says in the big book a day at a time, dont worry about tomorrow, just today i;ll not choose to gamble.

I've already scratched off my security code of my card, which is a bloody good idea i cant remember who told me about this yrs ago but it really does work.

Anyway back to work.