Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hi Gav

No good reason why you can't knock both vices out at same time (plenty excuses why not, I'm sure) as they're both the same thing. Escapism.

The drinking/fatherhood I identify with and is a classic example of escapism from difficult thoughts and emotions.

Learning how to deal with these difficulties is important, learning how to sit with them. Also, I've found regaining a sense of my values and goals to be very important to being able to look at myself n the mirror and start being the person I want to be. Rather than being scared of what I've become and I needing to escape.

Thanks for sharing especially re alcohol. I think a lot of us can see bits of us in what you say.

Best wishes

Louis

Hi Gav
Its important to recognise emotions & triggers. However without action to find new coping mechanisms that knowledge is pretty much useless. I would humbly suggest you have misinterpreted one of your feelings. Guilt. What you are describing is shame. Similiar but the distinction is important. Guilt is i did something bad. Shame is I am bad. Guilt is good. It shows we have a conscence. Shame is crippling emotionally. It is at the crux of all addictions. It is our own view of ourselves. Continued shame will always lead us back to relapse. Im not good enough, unworthy of love or friendship etc. Examine your relationship with yourself. There you will find the answers. Resolve your shame & you will resolve your need to use.

Gav, my dear friend...The only persons shoes you need to fill are yours!

And for what it's worth, it's very hard to believe in 'something' that 'allows' so much misery so you are not alone in not getting the whole religion thing.

My dad's (well my sister's really) drinking got so bad when we were little he used to sleep on the landing in our block of flats coz he couldn't get his key in the door! We had to step over him on our way to school, using the wall as a pillow (such fun). He drugged & drank himself into a mental health disorder followed by an early death & my mum's gambling is still 'not a problem' so much so that its ok to live rent free, plus lie & pressure my 80 something year old Nan into 'lending her money' & when she gets some back (inheritance) to not even make a token gesture. These we're/are their choices, does it make them bad people? Frustrating but essentially no!

You cannot get back or change your past, work on accepting it so you can improve your future - ODAAT

Hi Gav,

All is absolutely ok, no worries. I do get some "guilt trips" but it's part of who i am so i accept it. Good to hear from you ☺

Religion thing..yes, so get what you're saying. Its strange but i am Christian.. (well, i kinda was until i start questioning w*f i get all this then?). I used to go to Sunday church till age of 13 when i start making excuses cause my thinking shifted a little. I can't say I'm not religious, i just don't know who i believe anymore. Last time i had a honest conversation with "God" was when i was saying goodbye to my good friend who was taken away from me in catastrophic manner at the age of 16.. this day and age i am scared of religion. It kills people. I think it's best to believe in HP - just something up there higher than my own self. I get it, I'm powerless at many aspects of my life. To be honest that's something I'm still working on and trying to separate the two.
Confusion is tough emotion to deal with, but again - anything is possible ☺

Ya know, thinking of it now, i think the only place i would like to go at this time is Church. I think places like that gives as an opportunity to touch with our inner soul and that is priceless emotion. Very similar peace i get in the rooms, still i am working on confusion there but i suppose it's way too much for my head to process at the time and that's why I'm still scared of the change & acceptance.

Anyhoo...what a waffle. I am glad to see you posting. You have "fire in your belly!"..lol..sorry Toad, i happened to read your thread b4 this one and it actually makes sense..Gav - you have strength in you, want to get better, you open yourself for the healing process and you have hope for the future. Keep hold of these assets my friend, help is everywhere you look...we know what needs doing...reach out my friend.

Have a peaceful day and never give up giving up.

Recovery = life

S x

many thanks for the posts now, i get it now, it is shame. Vicious circle of addiction. I need to be happy with myself (thats going to take some fixing ha). Winding down in work now, decent day, busy but took my mind off the past week. No booze tonight no gambling some quiet time with the kids and early night. I doubt i'll get peaceful dreams but hey ho the fog will soon lift. Why cant we just be normal ha, would make for a boring life right?!!

Guys i seriously appreciate your advice and support, thanks.

Have a safe gamble free wk end folks. Meeting my bro tonight for a chat.

Hey Gav ☺

Hope fog is slowly lifting and you at least managing restful sleep (very good start for sure..happy body - happy mind)

Hope chat with brother went well and you could talk some worries out!

Just for today my friend - stay safe, be there for your loved ones in body and soul ☺..this is something you cannot buy for sure...

Have a lovely weekend and hope to hear from you soon

S x

Well gladly signing in with a gamble free weekend, 6 days free now, still upset angry re the relaspe but had no urges over wk end which was v good. Chatted with bro on Friday night and had great talk we are doing a book on self control, and its going well. Had some good heart to hearts. Alcohol was onboard on Saturday had mates round to watch football who i hadnt seen in while, it had been years since we had all met together. A lot of them were putting bets on during the match, it didnt really bother me, they have no gambling issues. Few beers y day as well watching football, had a surreal dream, re my sister asked me about my drinking, v strange she said a friend of hers was concerned about me. Anyway sorry this is a bit of a muddle but i need to get back to work,

gav

Hi Gav,

Great to hear you're keeping yourself safe and i truly hope that as time goes by, the anger will lessen. I kind of accepted that slips are part of my journey. Of course i am and will keep fighting the good fight going forward, but I'm am just greatful that the slips i had are outweighing my gambling days...actually same with drink now.. i suppose I'm getting the handle of "one day at a time". No high expectations but reasonably clear mind to make the right choice just for that moment in time. That's all we can do ☺
So glad you spoke to your brother. You sound like you have strong connection with him..keep talking and looking ahead, we both know how better life and our own mindsets can be if keep on the straight and narrow.
No race - steady pace is more than enough.

Don't know about you, but I'm proud of you ☺
I wish you and your loving family a wonderful, peaceful and calm rest of the week.

Be kind to yourself

S x

Ps..bahhh lol..just read the above and noticed how easy we can talk ourselves in the disaster..but i suppose the secret we all share - we can equally talk ourselves out of it too ☺..mind games huh 😉 who doesn't like them!

Later & stay safe!!

Thanks for the post Sandra, a decent week, 9 days gamble free, rather than 650 odd. Feel much more secure with 3 digits off back of card. Looking through finances, and i should be saving an awful lot more, I used to be able to save money, now even when i wasnt gambling i spending lots on tv's game consoles sports equipment, a lot of time i didnt even need!

This needs to be addressed. I am punishing myself by not allowing me to do anything since my slip, just the basics, with no extra's . Next week address getting my OD back to level , which will take 3 months give or take , then looking to start saving again.

13 days, doing ok no urges, boiler packed in on friday need new one, 1500 bill yikes, no hot water since friday ,you take such things for granted. boiler was 13 yrs old so was due replacement so cant really complain too much. Positive side , should see cheaper bills as much more effecient.

Hi Gav, been reading your diary - you have had addication bad for a long time - the gambling and the drink demons they are awful, Iike you I have been trying to kick this gambling addication for years, it's so tough when you lose what you worked for and you know there is a chance you can get it back. My worst day was after recovering all my years of lost funds (£K120) to lose it all on 10.12.2015. I just couldn't control losing a little of that back to the casinos, I wanted that £K120 and that was it. I have been steadily losing real funds since then (my own money), but after last Tuesday (another massive loss) have decided enough is enough (8 years of s..t, is enough). I am not in debt, but worried about the future as job is not secure, you must be really P....d off that boilers gone, what a kick in the teeth. Can you afford to replace it, my worse nightmare and car breaking down. Hang in there buddie, I know its really tough.

Hey Gav, been a week, just checking in buddy! Hope you're in a better place & the alcohol levels are down! Never stop fighting Gav, recovery hurts but so does addiction & @ least with recovery life gets better - ODAAT

Hi Gav,

Firstly well done on 3 weeks GF ☺...add on your 800+ days before the minor slip and it looks more than amazing in my book :-)))

How are you? How is life treating you? Hope all is going well,please keep posting, i guess problem shared is problem halved, joy shared is joy doubled ☺..win win in my eyes!

Look after yourself and hope to hear from you soon

S x

Hi folks and thanks for posting, 22 days gamble free, they are starting to add up again! Slowly but surely. Havent really had much temptation but i know how that can change very quickly. Got a bit of help with the boiler thankfully , as we were maxed out with our Overdraft and also got a bit of cash through from Dad, but we are still well in debt and i have Zilch savings which is depressing. With some big Direct debits coming out i doubt ill get back even until november time , by then i should be 300 quid ish better off every month , which will make a huge difference. The old booze issue is still there, but i've kept a lid on it, not doing anything stupid or going on any benders.

So i guess things are okay at the minute. I'll settle for that and many more gamble free days. Keep safe folks.