Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Whoop another month safely navigated and i shall stack it up on ur previous amazing achievement! (Cannot forget how far you have come!!!)

How are you feeling recently? How is family, work, brother?

Hope cloud keeps on lifting - look after yourself, you know that things will only keep improving of you keep making the right choice!

Hugs to this awesome lil angel on ur profile ☺

S x

Hi all, still gamble free but having the same old problems with the bottle, things were going ok, ie no major sessions but saturday i was out with friends for dinner turned out into a major one, was meant to meet up with my brother on Sunday but i was wrecked, so when the wife went out i decided to get more booze , led by the feeling of shame and the vicious circle of booze. Im in work right now, trying to hide away so no one can smell it off me and my hands are shaking so much i can barely type. Sigh, i know what everyones thinking why dont you just knock the booze in the head and thats what im thinking, like my gambling i cant control it. The thought of giving it up scares the &&&& out of me, but I felt the same way about gambling and look how far i have got with that.

I better get back to work, i'll send you an Email Robert later.

Just need to get thru this day, will be a long one.

Thanks for messages folks.

Just got a free minute , and need to get my thoughts out, this disease 'alcoholism' has taken my sisters life, and my grans life (she lived to her early 80's) but docs confirmed her drinking is what finished her. My parents i would say whilst not being alcoholics are fairly high drinkers, and i think my mum has had issues with drink, from the ammount of arguements and fighting that went on when we were growing up , remember dad marking bottles showing how much left, who'd do that if they didnt have issues with alcohol. Part of me thinks addiction is inherited in the gene's so to speak, while part of me thinks its a learned method of dealing with the pressures and responsibilties of life. Sorry if this doesnt make sense but im all over the place at the minute. Im just worried right now if i havent already done some serious damage to my liver/organs. Im 38 now and have been drinking fairly heavily since i was 18. 20 years is a long time. Yes i admit it thr thought of giving up alcohol scares the heck out of me, but i know its the RIGHT choice.

Hi Gav,

Yup man, alcoholism is S***e and destroys us in a blink of the eye...saying that, it's slow and long process with one & not so good destination. Not gonna say you're top health individual, you & me know that damage has been done for the organs already (i drank for 15 yrs) but by putting stop to further self destruction is a MUST. Yes you have a choice and it's all down to you how to go about this disease.
Also for your own peace of mind i would suggest full tests with GP, then maybe changing diet, picking up excercising, vitamins to strengthen your immune system...basically try and get into healthier body which automatically will heal your mind a lil also ☺

I am not a role model for sure, i still slip now and again with old bottle but change has been made and i shall take it for now! ..little steps forward.

Be kind to you, look after yourself and let the body & mind rest.

Wish you well, i said it b4 - you have the strength and determination in you, bring these qualities out ...you & your loved are one worth it!

S x

Thanks for the reply and advice , im really too scared to go to gp, i went about 4-5 years ago after a massive week long bender got my admisson profile and Liver function test done and my GGT were 170 off, more then triple the maximum they should be. Got referred to addiciton team which didnt really work for me, prob because deep down i didnt want to give it up.

I know i'll go off it for a few days then i'll start to feel better then bang the thoughts of "itll be different this time" "just have a few it'll relax you" etc etc. But it always end up in the same s**t, perhaps for months being able to control it then it gets the better of me, self destruction. It s not just the booze its eveything that goes with it, neg thinking, putting on weight , eating the wrong types of food, etc , it s all neg.

Yeah i need to get down to gp, i kept wanting to go 2 weeks free then get the tests to show hopefully that things arnt too bad, but i've never been able to abstain for that long. i try and mask my issues , hiding the extent of what i drink, but the only person im kidding is myself. Its time to grow up, excercise eat properly and get my life back. A peaceful nights sleep would be great!

Hi Gav

Get the test done.

It probably won't be pretty but it can be your base line to work up from.

Your still quite young and can avoid more serious harm if you take action now.

I know that before I quit each of -gambling, f**s and weed, I had thoughts that I could never be properly happy without each of these. I needed them to relax or to give me my 'edge'. There would be a permanent itch if I stopped etc etc

Guess what, those thoughts turned out to be complete and utter @#/&*!! I don't miss them at all and the positives are ridiculously good.

These thoughts were being churned out by my unhealthy, addicted mind. You've said you're scared to stop. This is normal, it's the addicted mind telling you this. It's not true!! You need to take that leap of faith - faith in yourself.

This leap of faith means taking committed action in spite of any voices, urges and feelings pulling you back into your safe, small world. You need to commit to doing this and just stick to it. Do it now. Right now this second.

Alcohol is a particularly bad one as it goes hand in hand with so many other negative behaviours. It's also embedded within UK culture. But as I did with my various vices, you've crossed that bridge where it has to go or it will simply drag you down.

Louis

I was reading through today's posts and was thinking how to reply. The Louis came along and said what I was thinking but put it a lot more elegantly.

Don't let the addiction hold you back take control back. I heard a great analogy at GA the other day for FEAR

f***k Everything And Run. or

Face Everything And Recover

The choice Is yours KTF

Hi Gav,

Unfortunately same as with every addiction there is no "it will be different this time". Minds are talking lies and we both know to what extremes it can take us. Guys said it all - there is no fear greater than the fear of unknown.
Going "off it" for a while is only temporary because if you have noticed you have already put "temporary" thought in your head. I know i cannot say "never", scared of the word as mouse scared of cat, but making action now and seeing how it all develops within you is all you can do. Day in day out?..i would say that's the furtherst we should look at. It's really hard to change the mindset and as you know excuses we can come up with are endless, you wouldn't find as many excuses for not going for it as we do for the oposite. It's the head, that same head who promises you relaxation, time out and peace...sadly the same head has to deal with consequences...which are quite painful and devastating as you know.

Not telling GP the thruth is very common with all of us having this problem. I did that, most of the souls in the rooms said they did that. Shame and embarrassment. Why we feel shame while reaching for the helping hand is beyond my understanding. Must be human nature.

Listen, years passing by will not make you feel any fitter or healthier. This on top will just shorten your wellbeing...physically - mentally. One destination...we don't want to head down that path.
I can easily find excuse and say I'm different from you cause i have no one close to me, no kids to raise and so on. ..Bull! Firstly we shouldn't do it cause others expect us to do it. As everyone said, this comes from within and as soon as you start being kind to yourself, start making actions, care about yourself, love yourself and look after yourself, the world will start turning other way round and you will know it. The change doesn't have to be spoken about, the actions will show how periodically it all will fall back to places.

Health is important, life is more important. Make that scary leap and admit to yourself that this malarkey is truly not worth your inner/outside pain. Start healing that body and soul. There is help out there, accept it.

Don't fear the test results, there is always a way to get better...and you're worth to get better. Your sister from skies above is rooting for you, she knows that her bro can do anything to change the circumstances for the better. She wants to see you healthy and full of life...she wants to see you recover!....be her hero! ☺ ..leave the pain behind, prove to yourself that you can rise and make your and people around you lives worth fighting for.

Take the "impossible" leap - safe yourself because no one else will.

S x

Hi folks ,truely appreciate your posts, reading them with a tear in my eye in work.

I have to face life, it might not be pretty but i've got to face the realities of life.

I'd stopped going to my gp re anything, as i know theyll quizz me re my drinking / gambling and want blood tests done. Im frankly scared shitle ss of what damage i've done to myself and is it reversible? I already know as we addicts all know the mental turmoil it causes. Meeting up with my bro and some friends tonight, going on a walk. No booze, just a bit of peace and fresh air, looking forward to it.

Hey Gav,

How is your week going? Did you make that appointment?

Best wishes to you and yours, keep claiming your life back

S x

Hi Gav,

How are you? Haven't seen you around & hope no news are good news.
Keep staying safe and kind to yourself.

Just for today as today is a ticket to a peaceful and calm tomorrow ☺

S x

Ho Gav,

Just dropping by to see how you're doing. Hope all is well and you're staying safe!

Would be lovely to see your update, will keep looking out for you.

Take care

S x

Hi Gav,

Well, you have been on my mind for ages now but i am a little slow to drop by! Apologies

How are you getting on? All fronts of life?

I kind of got back into the meetings and feeling back in the saddle again. (Not this week tho as having nasty urges but shall concentrate on today only).

I do hope all is well with you. Please drop us a line if you still read..., we care ☺

S x

Hi Hopeful soul, I've kind of been burying my head in the sand the past 10 months, Cant believe it was July last year when i last posted, the whole past year has been a blur! Im actually 272 days gamble free, but my drinking is close to a rock bottom low, its slowly but surely dragging me down to the depths of insanity and death.

I still havent seen a doctor but i know for a fact that damage has been done, physically and mentally. Some of things i've done scares the complete Sh8t out of me, things i wouldnt even contemplate sober. I dont know how but im still married , got my job and driving license, my 2 boys (4 and 7 now!) it really is miracle bloody eck it really is.

I've dipped in and out of AA and even recently got myself a sponsor but after a week of sobriety I went back to the bottle, even telling my sponsor i hadnt been drinking when i had, and stopped going to meetings. After a while my binges went into 3 or 4 days resulting in shame guilt, another phone call to AA another meeting swearing thats it I've had enough i cant do this anymore, racing mind, sweats the mental fog the despair to another wee spell of sobriety and hi ho hi ho its back to insanity i go! Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

Im scared i really am scared, im getting liver pains, stomach pains and i know my body physically cant take much more, mentally as well, its changing my personality when drinking, im getting cocky arrogant its changing me as a person. . Im wondering do i have it in me to overcome this addiction or am I let myself die from it, a horrible death from what i've been told and having seen my sister die from it i can see the destructive nature of the addiction ripping families apart, yet i still continue to drink! Baffling, anyway Im here today, sober today , feeling like i've been 12 rounds with Mike Tyson but i've stayed away from that first drink.

The test will come when i start to feel alive again and my addictive brain will be begging me to grab a bottle of vodka, sure it'lll be different this time, will it **** always ends up the same, me turning into physical and mental wreck.

Im thinking of handing my finances over to my wife, things i did when i stopped gambling. Im not sure AA is really for me, but yet again i've never given it a serious go , just a meeting here and a meeting there, after while thinking to myself, well i havent done that i didnt do that, so i might be alcoholic, = back to the bottle again. Anyway it feels good getting it out there rather than let it build up inside.

Gav

That's my son now he turned 4 last week , he's such a wee character and I want to see him grow up I just need to grow up myself