Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hiya Gav,

Firstly look at that angel!! Awwwweeeeeee, he is lovely ☺

Thanks for the post...good to see you back even if under these circumstances. High five on G free time - really smashing it!.
Well well well..old good bottle huh. Yup, had my "lovely" dip myself and spent weekend hugging bottles(s). Strange how you say about how it changes our personalities! Completely agree & even if am shameful, i bloody liked the feeling at the time! (At The Time let me be clear).. I seemed to be able to joke, laugh, concentrate watching telly, even being a undefeatable super woman!.( good job i retained from spreading wings and flying off the roof :-/)....however deep inside i knew I'm killing myself slowly. I knew i will have to wake up and face the reality..the aftermath...the consequences. Not much fun then huh.

It was strange because i was sober for 2 months and attended regular meetings. (Not a lot but it fwlt HUGE for me)..But i noticed a little shift in myself for a week or two.. mainly since i shared something personal to me and don't think i fully recovered from that myself.
I secretly hoped that garage i went for a booze will say "not selling alcohol at this time (1am)"..but they did...& that's when i met my fate. Knowing in a way what will happen but letting drink to take over...insanity for sure!
I went to the meeting last night. Hungover, teary and beaten. (No surprise).. i guess I'm starting to realise what life i want. Sober life was not bed of roses but it was better than the recent few days.

I am not sure i am into meetings. 12 steps still scares me but I'm prepared to give them a shot & nearly sorted my sponsor out. Just gotta wait and see....and believe ☺

Was given interesting read. A lil orange book of how to live sober. Took a lot out of it so far so if you want i can post it to you when i finish (swapping emails is part of the exchange tho 😉 ).

Listen. Illness is destroying and we both know it. We let it control us but we are stronger than that. There are powers greater than drink! (Life for an instance).
You have family...you have people who cares...don't lose them, you have a choice here. Look into their eyes (awwweeeee) and make a promise to yourself each and every day....it is doable & it will get better.

Try different meetings, please keep talking and sharing. People wishes you good, drink on the other hand - is a knife under your throat & 1st class ticket to hell!!!

. You deserve better, you deserve LIFE.

S x

This i am not a robot is a bit annoying lol wasnt there last summer.

Many thanks for the reply, are we allowed to give out email addresses on the diaries or can I PM it to you, but would be great to get a copy of that. I was online a few weeks ago on the AA website and there was also a really useful FAQ sections which really spoke volumes to me, within any doubt i am a functioning Alcoholic a compulsive gambler and have a very addictive personality. I can def relate to it being a progressive disease as my drinking has become more and more hazardous taking more and more risks and I'm becoming more and more physically and mentally unwell, I know for certain if i continue on this path I'll lose my job and license my familly, everything, its just a matter of time. I remember my sponsor told me a few weeks ago, if i continue on drinking like i am i'd be dead in 7 odd years, my sick twisted mind actually thought, wow i didnt think i'd get another 7 years drinking like this, this sounded ok, fair enough i'd just come off the back of major bender but what sane person would think like that, my addictive brain does. I think from doing more research there seems to be three 'tiers' of alcoholism am nearly on the last one, my tolerance is still high, i.e. i'd drink a 10 glass bottle of vodka and still function ok, but im taking more and more risks, im an expert in the hiding the booze that all started after the arrival of my first child now 7 years ago, i'd plan my life around alcohol, i'd ask my wife if she'd like to go swimming when i got back from work just so i could drink in peace coming home with 4 tins of cider and leaving the half bottle of vodka in the boot for when she left. I have done numerous shameful things which I m absoultely disgusted with myself, a lot of them being under the influence whilst looking after my kids. Im stopped looking after myself, i used to get my bp checked all the time, i havent had it checked in years and im in the i dont give a **** anymore stage.

I've lost most of my friends due to my drinking they are genuinely embarassed to be around me , this happened mainly when i was drinking and gambling together, badly around 4-5 years ago, i am emotional wreck , wondering around my home town muttering to myself, after a 4-500 quid loss on the FOBT's and horses, drinking inbetween every race. I''d convince myself back then that gambling was the issue, once i 'd get that addiction licked ,all would be rosy, but the alcohol replaced the gambling and more some, addiction is the problem, i get that now, whther im strong or brave enough to overcome this time will tell.

Sorry this post is all over the place but im typing in up in work and my head is still fuzzy, tuesday night was always a problem night as my wife works nights and the freedom to drink is there. I wont drink though i will for sure get urges on the way home to pull over, and get some booze. A few of my AA friends state stopping is easy, its staying stopped thats the problem , its never been so true. I stated that im not sure re AA but i like the sound that changes you as a person and allows you deal with the pressures of life without having to take a drink, which sounds great but if 100% honest im scared shi*;ess at the same time, how could i just stop doing something thats been a part of my life for over 23 years.

I remember u posting about worrying re xmas etc what would you do then, and i've had the exact same thoughts, mine were worrying about the summer time the warm evenings , having an ice cold beer, what would i do? you answered it yourself though, dont get ahead of yourself just take it a day at a time.

Feeling ok this morning, still a bit fuzzy but had early night last night, didnt sleep great the normal sweats strange vivid dreams, but im well used to it now so it doesnt freak me out anymore it s become routine. Why do i drink? the million dollar question, to escape from life i think, i dont want to face it, boredom, also a factor and shame, the vicious circle of shame and remorse. I laugh when another friend told me to enjoy life as this aint a rehearsal . Im sure as he;ll not enjoying to indeed living life, im just surviving, living with a bottle and my black dog

Gav

crickey just looking at my online statement s but instead of lists of gambling sites its all off licenses lists and lists and lists of them, i remember doing that years ago with the gambling and scaring myself.

Hi Gav

Wrote you a lengthy reply but my phone keeps freezing so all gone into the thin air :-/

Man..i would chuck phone to the wall but am practising breaths and patience lol so here we go again..i will type and won't give up!

Firstly, don't post your email on here..i will sort it out with Admin. You might need to wait for your copy tho as i am only on page 7 lol.

May i ask? You know when you went to the meetings...did you follow the programme? I learned today that recovery only works if we follow the steps..else we stay dry drunks and only abstaining!

Yes, it is progressive illness. One drink is not enough - 10 is not too much huh..madness! I didn't do many things while drunk YET..this last word is very important because as we know it's escalating and there is no way to control it.
Also, today i learned about my behaviour. The need of care, attachment, guilt, fear of rejection, anger, jealousy, impatience, excessive negativity, lack of self worth, exaggeration, blame, guilt, throwing dummies outta pram, victimisation...do you relate to any of these? It's like world is turning only around you and you're the centre of attention...which makes you angry lol..does it make sense? All troubles are yours and there i no way anyone else can have things worse than you!..b****x huh.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. & the change really starts from within.

The thing is, we try and supress the emotions by drink..when we get sober we have emotions again..that's complicated because that's tbe emotions we run away from in the first place! Not making much sense here i believe but i know what I'm saying lol..face life head on!
Don't try and be perfect as none of us are. We can only do our best and only just for today..that's enough to be honest.
Yes...you bringing my previous years post bk up rang some bells.
I knew i will drink in summer time...holiday after all and who holds the glass of juice then huh..well...i may do this year but I'm not looking ahead as it's no point really. I have today and today i will stay sober ☺

Got a sponsor! Yay lol...i broke the rules already as didn't ask (scared of rejection) & went about 20 rounds the roundabout to put a message accross. Good job the hi nt was taken so i am under someone's care. Recovery starts now and I'm willing to give it my best shot. Learn, put work in, be open for change, become a better person and appreciate life for what it is.

Alcohol will destroy us. It's physical, mental and spiritual poison. We both know that!
Get yourself to the doctors,start repairing yourself..keep attending meetings and stay with your sponsor..share and don't let the beast to take over. You deserve better life same as your loved ones. It affects all of you!

As of your Sister...RIP...show her that life is worth living without a glass...show her that there is hope and recovery. She is at peace now and i am sure she wants you to feel the same...in this world...here and now.

I want you to get better and i want to get better myself. It is doable...what you think? Shall we try and make wrongs right? Worth a shot huh.

Remember HALT and don't overstretch. Be kind to you and slowly but surely you will find what you're looking for.

This was my ramble lol...2nd time going woo hoo & hope it won't delete lol...(gggrrrrrrrr....& breatheeeeee)

Stay safe, keep posting! Look forward hearing from you on email...give it few days as Admin are too busy with robot stuff i reckon..

Take care

Ps..maybe a line about gambling huh...ummmmm....KOKO ☺...as alway ODAAT.

S x

No I didnt follow the programme, I first went to AA around 5 years ago, then was when i gambling and drinking together- I more or less crawled up the stairs to my first meeting then bawled my eyes out. One of the guys who looked after me that night and who helped me out and actually bought me the big book and has since died, i only found that out about a month ago, he was doing really well but his wife took her own life and he just couldnt take it anymore. Such a f**k*r of an disease.

Years ago i think i went 2-3 weeks without a drink and went to meeting s 4-5 times a week, by the end of week 3 i think i started sharing in meetings that i was thinking of startng to drink again, i was told this was dangerous thinking etc, but i had no sponsor in place, I didnt know how things worked. I then started to drink and get guilty and turn up to meetings drunk and after the meeting go back to the bars again.

I dont know what finely made me give up the gambling it took many many years of pain. I think it was when I realised i'd blown all my lifes savings maxed my Overdrafts out and had borrowed money of my familly, i knew i simply couldnt do it anymore. One to one counselling certainly helped, but it took me to that stage to say enough is enough and i just stopped. So for anyone reading my diary i know how scary and daunting giving up gambling can be , but it can be done, im living proof and it definately does get easier with time, I havent said this in a while but 'we cannot win as we cannot stop' its very true.

I got that email from admin so i've agreed so just waiting on them to sort it out thanks.

"The need of care, attachment, guilt, fear of rejection, anger, jealousy, impatience, excessive negativity, lack of self worth, exaggeration, blame, guilt, throwing dummies outta pram, victimisation"

I can relate to all of these, I believe everyone of alcoholic type has these negative attributes.

I agree with eveything you have said, advoided temptation last night by having a large dinner got the kids homework done, and had a early night reading the big book, and Dr Bob's story. I think beating this disease will come down to HONESTY , something i've severely lacked during my drinking and gambling days, and being Honest with myself.

I've got a sport match with the boys tonight,im looking forward to that, in the past, i've had a half bottle of vodka pre mixed with an energy drink to start after the game was finished, sigh, but i wont be doing the same tonight. I know I need to get myself to a meeting asap, so thursday night i;ll do that.

Hey Gav, sorry to see you back in such harrowing circumstances but great that you're back, I don't imagine that was an easy step to take. Thanks for popping in & your very kind words.

What a handsome little soldier you have there 🙂 A little boy who needs his Daddy! Never mind 7 measley years, you need to figure this sh17 out & fast because alcohol destroys lives. My niece & nephew lost their mummy through illness & that is a painful enough scar for them to carry...You cannot continue to self destruct to run away from your pain. If you don't love yourself enough to do it for you @ the minute, do it for them!

There is no miracle cure, no perpetual light to keep you out of the darkness but there is hope in the Fellowship if you commit to it!

Hope you made it to your meeting & are looking after you - ODAAT

o*g Gav....please no...please no.

I tried to contact you but...please no Gav, you have family..don't do this to them...don't do this to me....don't do this to you.

There is a way out....please TALK...get bk to me...please please let me kow you ok. Xxxxxx

Man.....thank you!

What a shock to the system! I was p*s sed last night so didn't see your email as was drifting to drunken sleep. Waking up to such news is not something i ever ever thought will happen but so glad you got back to me... so so relieved and stopped crying now.

I don't know how to help us Gav...truly don't. For me nothing works so far but i must keep looking...just keep searching as there is a way out.

Look after yourself and please stay safe.

S x

Another bender now the shakes the fear the sobering up the next day's of sweats and shakes heart palpitations racing mind the runs I am physical and emotional wreck and last night I had thoughts of ending it . I dropped my youngest into nursery this morning and he jumped into my arms and gave me a massive hug and kiss , I burst into tears how can I put them through this it's not right , I'm off this week it's time to do some serious soul searching I'll not take a drink today I'm taking my son swimming later and I've texted my counsellor from years ago who helped me overcome gambling as I have to stop self medicating and learn the skills to stay away from the booze, addiction what a complete utter f*c@ of a thing it's just pure evil , time to sober up and Move on

Awweee... Gav. What we do when we fall down?
We get bk up on our feet...look for something to help steady ourselves, make first steps to safety and accept that our way isn't working!

In my own experience i know that next few days/ weeks will not be easy...but i also know that it will get better if i choose to!

Your email shook me up today. ...it all passed me in a space of a second. I panicked and felt pain and uselessness for not being there for you when you needed support...more to that, it's cause i was pi**ed myself :-/

Nasty desease huh.

I don't know much. I am only holding on hope and praying for more clarity. I told my sponsor the other day that if program doesn't work - i am not trying anything else. I will give up...thinking of it now i made huge mistake in that sentence. What i should of said is not programme working or not...it's ME working a program!

Work yours Gav...the miracles are out there to witness..I've seen them, i just refused to accept that i saw them.

Do it for you, your loved ones and this life.

Enjoy your week off...be kind to yourself and just maybe could you keep in contact for a while? Even for a "hi" each morning...i do worry about you esp on the weekends..now i know you have a week off, I'm already worried lol...& not sure what phone number you gave me but when i tried to rang this morning it was switched off!!!! Telling me i had an extra heart attack to boot!..text me if you can so i know i got the right number.

I believe in you, let's do this dear soldier. You're not alone

((((((Gav))))))

P.s. the Radiohead - daydreaming freaked me out but i see the message behind...i even had a tear rolling down my face 🙁

The revolving doors made me think about life in different perspective. Thank you for sharing.

Look forward hearing from you!

Morning Gav,

How are you?
Hope everything is ok and you're looking forward to calm and peaceful weekend spent with loved ones.

Stay safe, you can and WILL come out the other side! I have faith in all of us ☺

Spk soon and take care of yourself

Hi all, and thanks for your messages.

Some positive news, i've got myself into Counselling after initially thinking i was on a long waiting list, a local service who helped me stop gambling, i have an appt this afternoon, so hopefully this is the start of recovery, a long journey ahead but hopefully i can learn to live a life without the need for oblivion and self destruction. I went almost a week without a drink and it came to last weekend and i just felt i deserved one, i couldnt unwind i was in just foul stinking form, i went to bed about 8 pm and hardly slept woke up the next day ( the reason for this is my wife bought some lovely fish and didnt buy wine to go with it!! madness the way my brain works !) and then hit the vodka on the golf course in oasis bottle half vod half energy drink fooling everyone apart from myself, alcoholic behaviour yeah it sure is, that was me off on one until sunday night and then the fear fog you know, well i know, instead of moping around i got up and spent the day with my kids and got up and had a great wee day, sober. So back to work feeling ok, and looking forward to some counselling and some serious soul searching, going to have to delve into the past, and it wont be pretty , take care folks

Yay Gav!!

Good to hear from you and well well well...counselling! Great! Talking, sharing, understanding and changing the mentality are the most important things in life!

I see you have had few slips with alcohol...bahhh..I'm not perfect either but we can keep trying huh... just for today.

Things are pretty good with me thanks. Lil girl is doing well and to be honest she is a life saviour for me. Gets me out & about...I'm socialising and feeling a lot better within myself!
Just recently made a massive mental change. I think that was one of the biggeat downfalls in me.. - chasing people and their attention! Bahh..shame on me but it's better to understand myself later than never.. so shifting a little here and actually like this change!
Busy with house renovations & room looks like war zone at the minute but little steps forward huh ☺.
Sister is well and we had great time this weekend. (Not in a rush to repeat it lol but will have no choice as heading for little holiday away together soon...wish me luck ;-))
Sun is AWESOME recently and yup..I'm out & about as much as i can!

Just a lil update really. Still up & down with drink, still fighting gambling ( few near misses this long weekend) and still living my life to the full!..also trying out a lil romance (if you call socks left in the bathroom romantic..men eh.. :-D). It's all about fun & life Gav...giving ourselves an opportunity is the biggest gift we can have...

A little advice re the counselling...be open and don't be scared. It may hurt, looking at the past is never nice but remember that it's all it is - past and it's not gonna hurt you know...let go...
Do homework she/he asks you to do. That was my mistake before..i was only working at sessions..as everything, you need to put work outside those walls also.

I am sure you will be fine. Future is yours - make the most out of it ☺

Best wishes & hugs...hope to spk soon, don't b a stranger 😉
Stay safe

S x

I had fun reading this thread. Thankyou all for sharing your thoughts!