Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

335 days without a gamble but in work with the mental fog of another week end bender, this alcohol addicition has me licked! The same rubbish every week and repeat, slowly committing suicide instead of living life.

My initial counselling session was just a quick one, but she told me there and then I was 100% alchoholic, I told her some of my horror stories over the years and not adjusting to fatherhood , i freaked out , thats when my alcoholism kicked in over 6 years ago, the selfishness of my addicted brain and the cycle of benders oblivion recovery repeat ! I left the first session and went stright to the shops to buy vodka and wine and get tanked, like w*f straight after my first conselling session i guess i was trying to blank out all the stuff i told her.

I dont know but somehting feels different this time,for the first time I texted a lot of friends and my Minister that i am struggling with alcohol and depression and have been for some time, my brother who is very religious ( i believe in God, but i have my doubts at times and this is potentially an issue with me drinking to try and silence those doubts), i got a message back from everyone offering there support and thanking me for being so honest, and word "being honest" with myself and others is what i know is required if i am to overcome my addiction, as to be honest I lie for the sake of lieing, a trait of the alcoholic, and denial. Stil part of me thinks maybe im not of alcoholic type , when the truth is staring my in the face! The Past 6 years and have been and blur and i cant get that back, but my sons are at an age now where their noticing things like Daddy slurring his words, or daddy stumbling about the garden or daddy passed out in the bedroom, things no kids should see. My wife is beginning to run out of patience actually i think shes had enough. Alcohol is ruining EVERYTHING good in my life,and i am starting of thinking of suicide as an option as i cant stop this madness. The feelings soon pass i start to feel better than wam bam im back on the sauce again and it s ground hog all over again and repeat and repeat and repeat! Utter insanity and i've had ebough i've bloody had enough and i am going to STOP STOP running away, and hopefully with the help of this place, AA the Church and friends I can overcome my addiction. Alcohol doesnt bring anything positive into my life and i need to keep telling myself this. Gavin

The true test will come in a few days time when the fog begins to lift and the 'f it' attitude comes in ' it;;ll be different this time bull sh** that always comes into my, my infested hatred addicted part of my brain craving for that first drink and then oblivion, well f u mr addiction you've had me in you *** for far far too long now. Funny i was helping out someone in work there and a patient walked him, a friend from an AA meeting, coincidence or not, but i do believe AA has a huge part to play on my recovery. I talk a good game but i need to back it up with action and when weekend s do come around i need to be at meetings as thats when im most vulnerable.Time to grow and sober up!

and thanks for the advice Sandra

Dear Diary, 349 days without a gamble, less than 349 minutes or so from my last drink.

I am killing myself and its horrendous i've become everything that i've hated I am an alcoholic and compulsive gambler a liar a real nasty piece of work and i hate myself.

I woke up this morning shaking and i thought to myself i cant do this anymore, i've had enough, im not sure how much lower i can go but this disease will get me, i reckon in a few years the way im going. I went out drinking on saturday morning then into town saturday afternnoon( on my own !) and met a friend who i havent seen in years we had general chit chat and she asked about my boys names, i couldnt remember my sons name, this is brain damage im talking about the sh8t is reall starting to hit the fan, i've been getting liver pain for some time, and now my brain is starting to go, yet i continue drink, as i done all day y day from when i got up to when i collasped around 8 pm woke up in the middle of the night with the fear, im putting my familly thru hell yet i still choose to drink , and i cant do this anymore, if i cant stop im going to kill myself and im endangouring their lives, i left the oven on all night before with the kids in their bed, i've driven them whilst under the influence i've turned myself into a real piece of s**t yet i continue to drink why? well because im alchoholic.

I let me wife know everything this morning where my stashes were i told her about everything, she already knew of course im not sure if she quite knew the extent of the problem but she had a fair idea, shes found empty bottles round everywhere. if i dont sort myself out im going to lose everything and everyone important to myself and im going to die it s as simple as that, face up to life or die! seems pretty obvious doesnt it but i know stopping is not the problem, STAYING Stopped is, this is groundhog day, every monday is the same and by wednesday or thursday in the hangover is well gone and im starting to get the go on have a few thougghts and i've no protection from that first drink. i really dont know anymore, im really at an all time low, and i dont know how im still married, still got a car, still got a house still got a job but they will all go thats for sure along with my sanity and eventually my life, how much lower do i need to go before i wake up and face life without a bottle, maybe to death, lets hope not.

I've really became a person i depise i hate myself im running out of chances this has to stop.

My names Gavin, i am an alcoholic and compulsive gamber. I would love to have some positive news to give but the past number of months have been horrendous even compared to my normal levels of horrendousness if thats a word. I've started to drink and gamble together basically since royal ascot winning over £1k the first 2 days followed by a disastrous run of losing aother £4k on top of that ranging from bookies FOBT and then recently online slots the crack co caine of gambling! the drinking has prossgressively got worse 3 days binges turning into 4 and sometimes more. I'll not go into details but i've countless been meant to be looking after my boys whilst under the influence, y day taking my eldest out for a day out plastered, crying into my hands with him not knowing what to do, i mean who would do something like that, i lost my wallet i could barely get him home, my wifes mum picked us up and knew straight i was off my trolley, i tried to slur something about bp tablets which is other story i have to tell.

Over the past years and recently months i ve got more and more nosebleeds and generally felt like s h i t i eventally got the courage up to my gp who i've advoided the past years nothing like burying your head in the sand and all lives problems will go away! story of my life.

I came clean about everything the 6 years of madness what i've been drinking which on average is around 4 bottles of good old vodka a week more than 5 times what i should be drinking . He immediately took my bp it was thru the roof he wanted to chang e my medcations my bp was around 190/138 which is dangerously high I know its mainly the alcohol raising it. My bloods were amazing mainly ok my GGT massively up at 240 it was 180 5 years ago, it a bloody miracle I haven’t done permanent damage YET! But that will come if I continue this path. The way I feel now is horrendous my self esteem has fallen through the floor I feel guilt and remorse I keep getting flash backs to the way my son was looking at me when im just bawling my eyes out, its nothing no son should see and its eating me up, he s 6 and suffers from low confidence himself a trait hes got got from his father- he got diagnosed with Autism a few years ago and moved from main stream school to one with a speech therapist I blame myself for this I have been a mess since he was born and now at 6 hes startring to wonder why his daddy is acting this play probably blaming himself , f uking ell what sort of a father does this what sort of a monster have I become, I am so selfish self destructible, my binges have always fisnhed with half heartened suicide attempts, the last taking zopiclone and telling (lieing to my wife) that I’d taken the whole packet.

Every time I get help and start to take the steps with AA I don’t turn up on the night im meant to meet up I chicken out and go off on one again , im scared to look into my soul and face up to life. Why me why couldn’t it be that other bloke or that other lass, why f ing me, self b*****d that I am.

Y day was my rock bottom no 6 yr old should have gone through that no one should. I cant change what I’ve done in the past but I can change my future I’ve got another chance.

We are going on holiday next month and it’s a real chance to spend some really wquality time with my boys and start to gain some of their trust and wifes trust back , by simply being their for them and advoiding that first drink and first gamble.

Im meeting a old head for AA someone I’ve knon for a long time who’s got about 20 years of recovery behind me , he’s an alcoholic and also a compulsive gambler who’s recovered from both. I meeting up early before the meeting starts- to have c hat I’ll prob cry like I’ve been doing on and off all day in work, but I need to give AA a proper go I don’t know how long I’ve been saying that but over the past 7 years since I started going I’ve never ever went into it fully committed , it s time for that now.

I guess the positives are I went to my gp’ I m hopefully getting my physical health back together- as well as my mental health which currently is a f king mess caused by these addictions. I have to admit im bloody scared, the thought of living without a drink is still scaring me despite the all negatives im still scared, scared of change scared of recovery. I wish I had got this AA thing a lot quicker. My sponsor told me I’ve always looked for a quick fix and didn’t want to put the work in myself wanted others to do it for me, and he’s 100% correct,the member im speaking to tonight told me if you sit on the fringes of AA youll be lucky even to get fringe benefits let alone begin your journery of recovery. He tells me I am NOT ALONE but I feel alone right now I tell you.

I’ve also got an appointment with community addictions next Friday and I plan to look into medication a) to stop me drinking with antibuse, b) to stop the tempations one of the newer ones I’ll have to a word.

Its admitting to myself that I CANt drink or gamble like a fellow gentlemen- that im powerless over these diseases, I’ve some cant get over this first step. It s time to do some growing up but like I’ve come to learn saying its one thing, doing it is another- if anyone is reading this say a prayer, I need all the help that I can get.

Oh Gav....

So sorry to hear about your struggles..destroying destroying deseases are these addictions 🙁

Please don't give up! There is help out there, take it..fight for your life!..it gets worse before it gets better...true..

Me...well....no. i am in the deep with my addictions also. I started GA few weeks ago after i blew more than i did in 4yrs on here (in 3 days) and had to admit i am powerless over it...i don't want to chuck money away as i do have many responsibilities now.

AA...no. Sponsor, no either. I am not ready to put bottle down yet. Actually it did escalate and i am in probably 3months daily binge. Yup...yuk....but that's what it is and i need this comfort blanket. I know it's madness and i know it's killing me slowly, but dear friend, ..i still need some sort of outlet from reality.

I'm sorry i dont get in contact any more. Honestly don't think i can offer anything good. I'm drowning in booze and definitely won't drag you down with me with my disorted thoughts.

Save yourself while you can...please do work the programme...it works if you work it!

You're worth it!

B&S xx

Gav, what a few months mate. We've both been here a long time, too long. Lets make a pact mate. No more, enough is enough. I hope you are ok and that you can remember the only way is up. Take good care of yourself, you and your family deserve it, the bookies or horrible online slots deserve nothing from you. Doggy

Hi folks and thanks for the replies, Sandra you've mentioned having a sponsor at AA before .Your drinking on that length of binge maybe its worth giving her a ring? My alcohol and gambling were/are so intertwined i couldnt gamble without a drink,(didnt have the courage) and after loss after loss ,( you always lose in the end) i would suffer fear guilt in remorse then i would drink to mask this then gamble again and this vicious circle of Hell for me has been going on for best part of 33 years, progressively get worse in terms of the ammount im betting and alcohol im consuming. I did manage to stop the gambling for some years but this my drinking just got worse then the inevitable releaspe of gambling and they both took off with avengegance

The meeting was great last night met some new folk and also chatted to old timers, there were folk in there from their mid twenties to some in there 80's a complete age range.

I want to get better, improve my self confidence and become a better father for my kids, my mind is still racing with new and wonderous idea's i've been told and have been told slow down, easy does it, take it a day at a time, and those days will soon mount up.

G doggy hows it going mate, well obviously not great but thats some debt you stacked up £10k did you mention. I think your issues are with gambling alone which believe is horrendous as it is, but you need to put the blocks in place. Being openly honest with your wife is very important and as much as it hurts our pride its maybe time to hand complete control of finances to her to a day where we can be trusted again.

your probably thinking like i did of getting Just one big win, ebough to clear all the debt have money for your child and pay mortgage off etc etc etc but that WILL NEVER HAPPEN< even if you did win big you'd never stop, you'd keep on going because our gambling is of compulsive nature.

For years i've been kidding myself to give up one or the other, when i knew heart in heart both were killing me .

take care.

Hi Gav

Good to see you posting 2 days running. Too often you've posted in crisis then vanished. Why not commit to posting every day?

It's more important you attend ga and get proper counselling, but this small commitment can also help.

You can be mindful and diligent in your daily posts. If, after a few days, your mind starts telling you you don't need to post, acknowledge the thought but post anyway - knowing you made a commitment to do so.

Making commitments and sticking to them builds confidence.

It's a small way of not losing the plot.

Best

Louis

Good to see you back Gav, you were in such a bad way the time before this, I had wondered if the inevitable had happened:-(

There's no easy fixes mate & no-one can do this for you. You are sick so just cutting off the supply chain without doing the work to rewire yourself isn't enough, you are too far gone & this only gets worse unless you do what it takes to get it under control.

I'm so sorry to hear about your boy...Autism takes it's toll on a family anyway but if you're harbouring thoughts of it being your fault because you're his daddy & you made him, that helps no-one, especially not him! Kids are very resilient...It will be much easier for him to cope with a crazy time in his & your life if you stick around to support him through & out the other side. If you carry on & don't get your shizzle together, they will be left wondering if they could have done more.

There's a reason for the one day @ a time approach...You don't need to terrify yourself about a future with no alcohol, all you need to do is stop for today, you can do a day! Tomorrow is a new day & new challenges for us to face when we get there.

You have some good plans there Gav, now you need to follow them through & get to as many meetings as you can as you negotiate these early days. You're not this terrible person you think you are in your head & you can get through this - ODAAT

Gav.
Fella thanks for your post on my thread, I think to give and receive support from like minded folk is one of the greatest things to have in life. My friend surround yourself with all the help that is out there and take it.you are not alone and you have as Louis pointed out come back, my advice stay back.
A much wiser man than I once said, sometimes it's good to just pin back your ears and listen because often as addicts we can't see what is right in front of our eyes.
That is a better life.
Time to walk that walk.
I happily walk by your side.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs.

Thankyou all for the comments and support and so many wise words.

I had a tough time getting over to sleep last night after a really decent evening, spending SOBER quality time with my kids having a bbq and playing football with them, and not thinking about alcohol i thought id sleep well but heart rate was up , prob a combo of the 3 new bp medications im taking now and still coming off the drink from Sunday.

Had a bit of an upset in work i felt like emailing the person back , that cheeky so and so etc, i dont take criticism well i've learned that this is quite a trend for addicted minded folk, always taking things the wrong (neg) way. Anyway i spoke to a few people who told me not to do anything and let it pass which i did.

Im coming down bit a of a cold but still am going to go to AA meeting tonight. i've got a community addictions meeting on friday 4th august am looking at medicaiton short term to cut down urges Nalmefene (sinclair method) though AA i dont think agrees with this or the likes Antabuse which makes you sick when drinking. Though i think the idea of medication is not dealing with the root of the problem i feel it along with AA , comm addictions it will help recovery especially in first few weeks / months which i've always found the hardest.

The issues i've had is when i've finally committed to recovery and help is there i just dont take it , chicken out hit the bottle and make up some lame excuse to whoever, thats happended with counselling and my sponsor in AA over past few months., i've always wanted a quick fix without putting the effort in , my addictive side doesnt want me stop . Some saying and sorry this is all over the place, is someone told me 'i cannot see the trees from the wood's' i think that was it, or your driving along a long wide motor way of recovery you dont always go on straight line some times you zigg zagg but remain on the motorway , suddenly you decide to pull off the motorway into a lane and come to a wall where you get to a dead end, you keep banging into this wall but you wont go further, keep doing it over and over again but getting no where, all you need to do is drive back onto the main motorway' but you wont.

He told it much better but it basically showed the INSANITY of alcoholism and addiction.

So i;ll keep posting like suggested , i loved your re wiring quote ODAAT!

Got to conquer my FEAR and Self pity ,and build my Self confidence, and begin to live again, and try and slow my racing mind, a day at a time.

Take care all

Doing ok, but really loaded with virus, went to another meeting last night - i think im going to have an early night tonight as my immune system is low, bp was down y day which was great- last gamble last saturday last drink Sunday, meeting planned on friday night then test will be saturday wife off to work normally = bottle vodka sigh, but im more determined than ever , i;ll just picture my sons face looking at the state of me last Sunday night, my rock bottom. Keep safe folks

Gav, how you getting on mate?

FUBAR! well after a pretty decent week uptil friday at about 4.45 my wife was meant to be home for me to take her car for the dog to go to the vets , but she got held up, i was angry and used this as an excuse to go the off license and get a bottle of aftershock! aftershook w*f , got home and necked 3 or 4 into me then she arrived back. That was me off on another bender again , suicide in installments somone from AA told me. So saturday morning comes im craving for that bext drink, all sense has gone out the window and intead of phoning for help im back on it again, waiting till wife took boys to football then round to off license and bottle of vodka purchased. wife went to work in the pm allowing me to drink in peace, had my folks round for pleasant lunch i think, they went home and bingo a thought comes to my head, thats try a gamble, just to make my already f ucje head already more f ed! the cards which i had reordered came and my wife didnt scratch the ccv number off and with the drink in me, i was away again, gambling online slots all night, and next day (y day) , thankfully i didnt lose as were meant to be going on holidays on 15th august. Y day had vodka rum wine you name it , had a bath late afternoon (so had peace away from kids and wife to gamble) and felt like drowning myself. last night i felt horrendous feeling sorry for myself and nearly put my foot through the window. Wife knew im off my rocker i know she'd be long gone if it wasnt for the pending holiday wanting the kids to have a good time, and i know they will , IF I DONT DRINK!

so im back to square one, got about an hours sleep last night then bing wide awake staring at clock from 1am to 6.45 before getting up shivering even though it was pretty warm so here i am.

What next, well im back on here instead of burying my head in the sand and pretending it never happened.

I lasted 5 days and had no defence from that first drink, im in work shaking trying to pretend everthings ok , .

Suggestions i would appreciate them,i know topping myself is not the answer but when intoxicated it seems logical, the things i do when i pour that poison down my throat, i did think after last weekends bender i would have wised up but no.

Steps: well from now im leaving my cards in work when i know theres nights when i could be tempted and the weekends etc lift enough money to do me and thats it.

obviously not drink, get to mor e meetings i am meeting addictions team on friday for 2 hr assessment- will be honest and let them know everything, i cant seem to quit on my own so im def up for looking into meds nalfemene (sinclair method) or Antabuse makes you throw up if you have a drink,

im off work on friday for 2 1/2 weeks time i need to get my head sorted out- its def last chance saloon with the wife and kids,i need to man up and stop acting like a vulnerable 5 year old. i've bought a canon camera so getting that tomorrow im keen to get back into photography i've stopped doing i things i used to do, sports etc, its def making me more depressed and the progressiveness of the diseases is frightening, it only gets worse, NEVER better! suicide in installments, the cunning baffling ilness of alcoholism and compulsive gambling! each one terrible, together theyre well i actually cant think of a word bad enough, a s**t storm from hell!

I'll dust myself off and try again, see what friday holds then in with gp next week. f**k u addiction you wont take me!

Gavin