Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hello Gav,

Pretty understandable this rollercoaster your on, but just hold on and go with the emotions rather fight them. Your ego has been hurt, it doesn’t like that. It probably doesn’t look like it at the moment but it’s good that everything is out in the open, so use it to your advantage and just keep being honest.

We’ve got an ingrained evolutionary ‘ fight or flight ‘ & ‘ auto pilot ‘, so it’s going to take focus, learning and communicating to change these things which are pretty much part of everyone.

Keep going to them meetings and connecting with the other folk that attend. I never could get my head around the ‘ higher power ‘ thing, but now do and there’s no coincidences in life that you find yourself drawn back to rediscovery. I think us long termers who seem to be serial relapsers is that we really don’t get that rediscovery is linear, it’s got no end it just keeps going to our own benefit if we work it, now I’m thinking for atleast myself and possibly you also that we hit a plateau from our upward curve and regress progressively back to our ingrained comfort zone. Need to get out of that comfort zone and start living.

Badminton’s good, keep getting out there. A bit of a ramble but wishing you all the best.

Strength and honor

Hi Volcano and thanks for your advice and you always speak wisely.

8 days without a drink or a gamble. Emotions all over the place and have been told will be for quite some time, as i dont have the aneasthetic to hide behind or to falsely bolster my ego and falsely remove my fears.

The wk end was all over the place, worrying about my dad, how to look people in the eye etc know its all out in the open, quite simply im ashamed and what i've become, a selfish alkie compulsive gambler full of fear and full of self, wow i really know how to talk myself up!

The constant rumination of past f up's actions (some inexcusable drink doesnt mask it) and the constant fear , guilt , shame , remorse all lead back to relaspe after relaspe after relaspe to the point where im starting to think whats the f ing point , but then theres a strong strong desire in me to live as what i've been told and have been promised in AA, that LIFE WILL GET BETTER, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly, that simply keeps me coming back.

Im very much a thinker analysing everything, I dont know why i became alcoholic and CG but since 17 drinking and gambling started together back then for fun, before progressing, before getting out of control, then marriage then kids then OBLIVION, full scale alcoholism and heavy heavy gambling, and know today with my kids at 5 and 7 , and my health going, hypertension pre diabetes, poor immune system, at 40! MY Bodies telling me , hey mate, this can only go on for so far, you cant keep putting that s**t into your system in such quantities without repercussions.

All i can do now each try and not and beat myself up about past actions as i cannot change them , it happened it was wasnt pretty , i was very lucky, but i was and still am very sick. Try and keep it simple, just for today i;ll not gamble, just for today i'll not take a drink, pray in the morning, please help me today to do the right things, be honest, and try to help others without acknowledgement and take my desires away as alone i am beat. Then at the end of the day thank him.

23 years of habbit and addiction is hard to change, but to be honest i'm honestly fed up with the constant relaspes all resulting in the same constant guilt fear and withdrawl, why why why why , well because im addicted and am sick.

Sunday was emotional turnmoil, Went for a cup of coffee cup i seen was worlds greatest dad, just triggered me off into tears and threw the cup in the bin went on to have agruements with wife, felt full of self pity and resentment, a perfect harmony for relapse and escape. As the day went on it got better, got my boys for an hr in the afternoon , trusted alone with them, went for ice cream , kicked the ball, met my folks, had dinner. Put kids to bed and my son before i went to a meeting told me he hated school, i then spoke to him for 15 minutes and tried my best as a father to reassure him, that we'll always be there for him, and boy to see him a little bit happier made me feel good, so from start of the day to the end , what a differnce! And that is life ! ups down s smiles frowns, addicts dont tend to do life very well.

Anyway im in work better get back, meeting again tonight share be honest and work at this. Onwards upwards.

Gav
Fella keep on helping yourself by putting it out there.
I agree it will take time to understand your own emotional state of mind.
Me I will unconditionally walk by your side.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs

Gav

You describe well how our internal state can change so wildly in the course of a day.

As a serial avoider we just need to keep some perspective through the dark times.

When we’re low - it feels like a permanent state. When we’re used to avoidance, we become de-skilled at getting out of a mental hole. We lose touch with the good times, so it feels unbearable.

When you stop avoiding, however, it DOES get easier. You get some perspective. You learn to, well, ride it out.

Keep at it and the good times are around the corner

Louis

Day 9

Hi Duncs and Louis and thanks for your words of encouragement and support.

I brought up Gratitude at last nights meeting, for so long i've talked so negatively in the rooms of AA , full of self fear , self pity and generally self!

I know AA works in the same way as GA , i.e. 12 steps, sponsor, meetings and i know it is the answer , with a guarantee , if we do as suggested , we wont need to take a drink / punt ever again providing we work our programme.

Going to counselling soon, take care all.

Day 10

Trying to do the right things, didnt get to meeting last night wife working but will be there tonight badminton thursday. No real urges, thoughts yes and sometimes drifiting back to the s'pos edly good auld times! funny how are brains try and trick us. accepting them days are long gone.

Wifes birthday wk end, meal then cinema, used to be cocktails (well i had half bottle in me before we even went out) meal, drinks more drinks, home.) I would be always insisting to get that 'extra' drink! So it'll be different, but im looking forward to going out enjoying my food and having room for it, and then catching a movie something i've wanted to see for while, then having Sunday morning , without a fuzzy head or full of regrets or black outs! baby steps at the minute, and to be extremely careful with people , places and things. Take care.

11.

Ok day, very tired over past wee while, i was told HALT, hungry, angry , lonely and tired. but how can you stop being tired? i work 40 hrs wks look after kids wk ends, and attend aa meetings in every spare second i get, I dont stop! wow more self pity pouring out there, i often get frustrated with folk your not doing 90 in 90, i f ing work full time, yeah they lost everything, they had no job no familly all they had was aa so they went to 2 meetings a day.

argh im just tired an P ssed off , but im trying to do this right things, no drink no gamble 11 plus days now- gotta take the positives, rather than self pity , badminton tonight, looking forward to that.

Gav, slow down my friend, take a breath, 90 in 90 is a recommendation not a cure!

You DO have a job because you have managed to keep all your plates spinning & you DO still have a family because they see in you what you can’t see yet. A gambling addiction itself is cruel, addiction where your body as well as your mind thinks it needs it poison must be even more challenging but it can be arrested! I think 11 days without your crutches or masks to hide your pain is something to be very proud of even if you can’t see that through your fog yet. Enjoy badminton & keep fighting mate - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT! Great to hear from you my friend. Y day was a head racing day , as you can tell from post. Badminton was good last night, it was what i needed. (frustrations taken out on shuttle) No meeting tonight but im trusted with boys taking them for dinner then to wee club they go to , tomorrow afternoon meeting , then out for wifes birthday, dinner followed by cinema , the Nun, a nice romantic horror!

Im so impatient like many addicts are, just want these obessessions to be removed, and want it y day, my lack of patience is relestless, but i need to slow down and get this 'keep it in the day thing' and 'one day at a time' . Keep it simple and first things first.

12 days, i can do this! But not alone!

have a good wk end all.

Wow i 've finally got to log on , Im ok today but relapsed last weekend again , for the millionith time , both drink and gambling thankfully i didnt win and i didnt lost , both disastrous, well fact i went back out again was disastrous. I have to look at me ,and why am i constantly relapsing in such a regular basis, well i guess 22 yrs of drinking and gambling are hard to stop even through i've lost control of both a long time ago. Part of me misses the excitement buzz, adrenaline of than near miss, that win, that thrill of loading a screen up, walking into an arcade, the feeling of yeah, this feels alright , nice big win coming up here and then i;ll treat the familly to anything i want and maybe get myself a new ipad clothes to boot everything will be rosy. To enable me to that i must be intoxicated, i wont gamble sober, i may have in the past but was probably half cut, but to enable me to gamble i must have at least a half bottle vodka into me, as i wont have the nerve to spin £20 in credits in a matter of seconds, hard earned money to be f&&&&& away in a matter of seconds to companies who pray on vunerable adults and make so many lives misery .

The reality 95% heavy loss, INTERNET, either deposit away until nationwide fraud squad has stopped payments and why would someone keep depositing £100 8 times in 2 hrs from their debit card.

Or arcade where the Cash machine says i've maxed out my daily limit (from both my account and joint accounts)

3% break roughly even, and only stop due to the arcade closing or INTERNET its 6 am and i havent been asleep and have been spinning reels for 12 hrs solid on stopping to P**s or top my vodka, spinning in full zombie mode oh if only i could get 5 of them bonus's in one spin oh imagine that

2% win its simply stake money for my next bout, occasionally buy something we need, but i am terrible with money, i used to be able to save regurarly, now when theres money in the account , its all stake money.

i know i cannot win , as its so often said here, i cannot stop, but quite simply i need to change me to replace that buzz thrill adrenaline, with something else, or else i will return to what i return to , drink and gambling, gambling that has cost 40 plus thousand over the past 10 yrs and drink, caused me 20 odd k plus a diagnosis of Hypertension and pre diabetes.

These addictions have frankly gone too far, i am a husband and a father to a 5 yr old and 7 yr old and they need a father in there life, I am sick and need to get better, I lost my sister to addiction and we lost a 24 yr old lovely intelligent boy to addiction last wk end , his funeral was crammed, this is were addiction will take us, to the grave, not only killing ourselves , but killing or destroying everyone around us.

f you addiction, FEAR- Face everything and RECOVER! meeting tonight.

Wishing you well Gav and hope you enjoyed last nights meeting. Relapses equal bi.tches, yet your still here punching away, so give yourself credit for that.

It’s our deluded corrupted bravado thoughts that we are trying to win something for the sake of treating the family and making life better, it’s more like that in truth we’re just selfish addicts who deep down don’t really care for ourselves or others. Harsh yet true !

There’s a lot of power in words and I think you need to ‘ fake it before you make it ‘ , hence no beating yourself up and work on the subconscious. So, possible first step there is rid them thoughts that gambling brings excitement, rushes of adrenaline etc but more like numbness and worthlessness.

Best

" in truth we’re just selfish addicts who deep down don’t really care for ourselves or others"

Hit the nail on the head, and i agree 100%, otherwise i wouldnt be doing it, i want an escape , from life, boredom , family, and in general feeling like ****.

Emotionally im pretty much all over the place at the minute, constantly tired, even after a nights sleep. My mind still telling me , it;d be ok to go and have a few drinks and few quid in the machines, even though its the deepest cause of my unhappyness and low self esteem.

I just have to get thru this period by not drinking a drink and thus not gamble. drinking enabled the gambling, I often see duall addiction in AA but its always Alcohol and drugs, never drink and gambling , went to GA meeting while back , no one had drink issues. Maybe it was just when i was born, but since 16/17 it was stumpy largers and tupenny nudgers and things progressed, like addictions do.

Well 10 days, day at a time, and hope i start to feel bit more positive soon.

Peace

I've really had enough of this. For as long as i can remember its been a few weeks off then relapse, few weeks off relaspe, which makes me think how much i really want recovery, why do i keep putting myself and my familly as this is a familly illness i need to remember that through the mill.

I dont know which is the worse the drinking or the gambling, all i know i need drink in me to gamble, they feed off each other. I've managed to stop gambling in past for 2-3 yrs, but my drinking escalated i'd say prob drink has a bigger hold on me, 3months in 23 years as the longest i've got off it.

To say im a dark place is an understatement. I was on the verge of a breakdown y day my head was melted i was in a dream like state like on drugs but not taking any, it was withdrawl and i went cold turkey , tossed and turned last night sweating , brain racing, i felt like head butting the wall.

I Went to meeting last night and shared im not sure how much more pain mentally i can take. To see my boys struggling in school having poor reports , my addictions have surely affected that as well, to be truthfull all i can see is dark , complete negativity , is there any wonder drink afterall in a depressent coupled with the financial pain of gambling no wonder im feeling how im feeling.

I didnt spend a penny on anything for couple of weeks, then drank on friday night went to work satursday then drank and gambled 200 quid in space of hr at a place where i've self excluded. (im going tomorrow to re self exclude)

The figures are staggering for me £35k - to 40 k in ten yrs gambling, depression anxiety guilt shame remorse. I had a breakdown about 8-9 yrs ago i stopped sleeping like completely stopped i was hallicuinating i wasnt hospitalised but i for 3-4 months i was convinced i was going mad, i lost 2-3 stones and barely functioned. AMazingly i didnt drink or gamble much during that time.

I 've never been content or happy about myself since childhood, hence since the age of around 16-17 i've been abusing drink and gambling , i never really matured as a person, when things were bad, drink/gamble, when things go well, drink gamble, when im bored drink/gamble, when im excited drink /gamble.

My biggiest defect as im so full of self- a hard one to admit but true i simply dont care about myself or others when i choose to crack open that bottle , knowing the consequences , knowing everything is on the line, one drink away from losing my familly house etc , any sane person would say right enough is enough this isnt working look at all the consequences. However i am addicted, mentally obessed and phsyically addicted.

I spoke to my wife this morning, i said about re hab in a ward and she said no its a cop out, yet i've been told by everyone in AA and community addictions its the next logical step as my way doesnt work, i simply dont have the resolve to stop for long periods my track record speaks for itself.

Deep down i wondering am i still trying to please others, my speciality, without i thoughts of changing me, as change means work, and i do everything half a**sed including recovery.

I;m waffling my heads a mess, my lifes a mess, i am the only one who can get myself out of this dark hole, BUT I NEED HELP.

Sorry need to get this out, when i do drink then gamble i know im doing wrong, but with the drink in me, i dont give a &&&& i become even more selfish, then after 2-3 days (wk end f and sat) i come to my senses , and it s the guilt and shame then say its enough, or when i get caught ! Then theres the oh flip what have i done again, the sense of anger frustration why cant i get this, this is awful, i've had enough, followed by the need to tell everyone about my addictions, and how much pain im in, Am i looking for sympathy, or crying out for help, maybe a bit of both. Then after a dark few days of insomnia low mood iterable, moody, i begin to feel a bit more like myself, sleep a wee bit better, start eating properly, still have the healthy fear from the last relaspe, then a week passes and wk end approaches , i start to sub conciously thinking about drinking / gambling, even though it ALWAYS ends in misery, i dream about drinking , gambling, it consumes me, then with the wife working i start to plan , well a wee drink wouldnt hurt anybody, Gavin a bottle of vodka is not a wee drink. Hiding bottles in the garage rafters or around the house in not normal, its far from normal. Yet its become the normal for me, i've done things i would have laughed at you if you'd say i been doing them yrs ago. Addiction make the madness seem normal, it twists things.

Just thinking right now the lowness im feeling ,still in withdraw, that keeps me from not wanting to drink or gamble, its the last thing in my mind, but when the days pass i start to heal the whole process starts again will i wont i ? Its far from healthy for the body and mind, this pattern is destructive.

Im at my wits end, fed up , so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Im going to start posting more reguralry on here, try and get honest , with my others and self, talking is over, its time for action.

Day 4: Hopefully beginning to get my head around that Gambling and Alcohol BOTH do not work for me, they are poison , they offer nothing positive , both equally as destructive , and i have to find other coping mechanisms when life gets tough . I have to change my attitude towards life , people places things, accept things i cannot change, courage to change to things i can, all most of all pray for PATIENCE. This will take time, but hiding behind a bottle and fruit machine is NOT THE ANSWER!