Starting again

So my sister mentioned something to my mum which I know will have got her thinking about if I have done IT again. She is due to come round soon and she is going to ask and I am going to be honest. Having been crying non stop for the past hour I feel so exhausted. I don’t want to ruin people’s lives anymore with my mistakes I make so I need to be honest and truthful with everyone. That includes my hubby to be...

The likelihood is that we will end, and the house I have no idea what will happen to that. But I can’t lie to him and act like nothing has happened. It’s killing me. I didn’t want to do it before our holiday because he’s so excited about it... but how can I expect him to go on holiday with me not knowing what I’ve done.

He works nights so I have the option of texting him which I feel is wrong or telling him when he gets in which will be a mess for me in terms of being awake for work for the whole day. But I need to be honest, or else I am swimming in lies that I can’t get out of!

The fear of losing him is so strong, as is the fear of ruining my mum. But they deserve better than this... I wish I could turn back the clock and take it back but I can’t. I can’t do anything to change what I’ve done all I can do is be honest going forward. Why do I do this to me? To us? Why can’t I say no more and mean it?

Gamble free for three days and currently happy about that but not much else

You can’t say no more and mean it because once an addict always an addict. It’s the harsh truth of it all, watch the YouTube video ‘The role of dopamine in gambling addiction’ - that is why us CG’s always lose, we can’t walk away, we play on until we’ve lost it all to prolong that feeling. Sometimes chasing loses was more exhilarating to me than a win. The whole scene is distasteful, why would any of us want to be gamblers? That’s what people say but this s*** has rewired our brains. We are powerless to it until we confront it, and confront it we must.

So it went exactly as I thought it would with my mum... all I say is just words there is no meaning behind it. I just sit there wallowing in self pity instead of doing something about it. She said I have a choice to do it and I need to stop hiding behind excuses of it all because at the end of the day it is a choice I am making and that’s that.

So yeah, not great. She wants me to spread my loan over 5 months instead of the year I have to make it more manageable so just done the application and I don’t feel it is the right thing to do! But never mind... have put the request in so will see how that turns out.

I’m now thinking it isn’t worth telling my partner and ruining our lives over a mistake. But I know so many say it is the right thing to do. Right now I don’t know what the right or wrong this is! I feel he has a right to know but at the same time i know the reaction and every other reaction I have expected to get has turned out exactly as I thought it would.. so that won’t be any different!

So many emotions and thoughts that go through my brain I have no clue what to do... all I know is I cannot do this again. I will not do this again. I will be happy in myself and I will get to where I want and deserve to be. I need to prove to myself that I can beat this, I am better than this.

I think choice is such a light way to put it personally. We don’t chose to gamble in the manor we chose what we’re having for dinner. It sounds to me like you need to take your family to a GA meeting, or try and open their eyes a little. I feel sorry for the fact that no one is helping you with your emotional state currently. These negative feelings can motivate gambling behaviour. Most of us CG’s have low self value and are impatient. We attempt to solve that by clicking some buttons and trying to multiple our networth. It’s all so ridiculous, we need to stop.

Day 3, I keep on forgetting what day of the week it is!

It is mad it has only been 3 days considering I was a year away from it all... the chat with Mum was horrendous, making me question a lot about me. The decision of telling hubby to be is a spinning disc in my mind, one side is yes and one is no. I have no idea what the right path to take is when it comes to that.

I am feeling motivated to sort my finances out and sort my mental state but feel very alone in that journey.

I don’t know what the solution is to my situation right now, not sure there is one. But I have to keep on waking up everyday and keep going

Hi Btapp

Very interesting reading your journal. The decision of telling your husband or not seems to be your biggest choice. Don't feel guilty for not telling him if you feel that's the best thing to do in terms of your situation then do it. But if it's going to constantly wear you down then id tell him. As the gamble free days pass, you will learn to love yourself which you need to learn to do and fast. You can't keep beating yourself up an gambling addiction is an illness, although some of the mess is undoubtly your fault not all of it is. Please when you feel low, talk to your sister she seems a good outlet and you seem to be happier or in a clearer place when speaking to her or just write something in here like you have been doing. You can stay gamble free!!

Yorkshire Lad.

On speaking to my mum we’ve been here so many times before and she’s trying to figure out each time how she can support me. She has said the same thing in that I make the choices I make yes it is an addiction but an element of it is my choice to and I need to own it. I am feeling a lot better now and that’s because of this diary and speaking to her and my sister. I am frustrated that I was doing so well and have gone back to the start but I need to let that go and focus on the now because that is what I have control of.

Sure the journey ahead isn’t going to be easy but I will face it optimistically and fight for a healthy life

So it has been a week and a couple of days and I feel better for telling my mum and sister. The biggest battle I face is telling my partner but I don’t know what to do with that yet... we will see what happens. Hopefully I get through this and don’t go back.. have to remind myself it is stopping me from moving forward

It bas So I’m now panicking again that I haven’t budgeted my money enough to allow for us to do things every month. But realistically I shouldn’t have to fund us doing stuff every week of the year.. we should be able to do stuff just us with the dog.

It has been hard with these thoughts because then comes oh if I just try a tenner who knows... but I need to break that cycle. Work has been stressful as hell and I get home exhausted and wanting to unwind... my habit that my brain has developed is escape through the world of slots. That isn’t the answer and the energy it takes mentally to try to break that is tough but I need to stick with it

Hi btapp if you can't tell your partner then don't but what u must do is be strong and stop. Let a month or so pass and pay off what you can. You will soon recover. Don't whatever you do think you can gamble to pay off any loans because you can't. It will get better. Every day you don't gamble it will get better

So I went to America and there was no adverts anyway and it was bliss.

My greatest fear is my partner finding out and the lies and betrayal that will unfold resulting in the ending of our relationship. I cannot allow this and I have to sort my life out once and for all! I can and will work on myself to better my mental state and refuse to allow myself to be in a position where I may gamble

Sunday 10th December,

I do not enjoy gambling. I do not want to gamble. The betting companies are constantly there trying to entice people in to bet with them. These adverts need to be ignored, I will not even think how ridiculous they sound.

daily I will log on and remind myself that the only way to have money is to not waste it through means of gambling. No one wins but the companies! I could sit there and gamble for hours with thousands of pounds and only have debt. That is not me. That is a version of me who has been moulded by the gambling bug. I will shape this out through the support of my family.

I am a good person, I deserve happiness and a reasonably good life. I will learn to live with my demons and not let them take the wheel of my life again.

I hope that those people who relapse know that it isn’t your fault entirely but you need to own the actions made. You need to take the wheel and need to drive your Life in the direction you want to take. Seek support from your close family/friends and use the recovery diary in any way best for you.

I am feeling optimistic.. the urges are very much there but the blocks are in place and I can talk to my friend and family members when I need to. It is very much about learning more about me and my worries and anxieties and inner feelings whilst accepting that it was me and my actions that lead to this situation. No one said it would be easy, but to improve my life and be truly happy I need to be happy with me. A change in life style must start now.

the So I haven’t been counting the days but they are now up to 39 days gf. It would be foolish to say it has been easy.. going on holiday to America in a country where gambling isn’t allowed has certainly helped! Coming back here just made me realise how ingrained in our daily lives gambling is! Majority of advert breaks has an ad in it.. it’s crazy! And to top it off I read in the news that kids are now getting addicted to gambling through an online game. How these things are going on I do not know, but it is out of my control so I can’t focus my energy on it.

I haven’t told my partner as of yet, the anxiety in the outcome is overpowering at this moment in time. I can’t tell him what has changed this time until I know... so I need to figure me out and how I am going to live the rest of my life with no gambling. I think for all of us there is always a hold over us, once we cross that line it has us in its ***. But it’s about being strong enough to stand up to it.. I will not be controlled by gambling. I am looking into counselling but through different method to gamcare at this moment in time. I have a friend at work who is a great support also.

I hope everyone is taking that next stop forward into breaking this. The biggest change so far for me is accepting that it was me who did this, I acted upon thoughts and urges. No one pushed me into it, so I need to stop playing the victim and start being my own hero in recovering from this.

I think for me being lonely is a big part of doing it. It passes the time that I am on my own, so one thing out of what I think is a list of things going on in my mind causing me to go back. I didn’t go back today, but I had the thoughts and could’ve easily done it if it wasn’t for me reminding myself of all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it and what a waste it was. I need to set my sights on my future and present.. set my self goals and go from there.