Starting today to stop forever

Trying to stay stopped can only be measured when you die! Staying stopped can be measured on a daily basis depending on the quality of how your day went. Some are good some are bad but if you don't gamble your life will markedly improve. Try self excluding from your gambling haunts. Counselling can be very beneficial if you are prepared to put some hard work in. Hope you keep coming back and join in the reading and posting to aid recovery.

Take care

hi the G man, ive been gambling for 12 years on and off, I recently stopped gambling for 6 months and 10 days but before Christmas I lost £440, online roulette. I last gambled on 27th December so I ve not gambled in 49 days today. I feeling more positive about the future.

G Man

I wish you well. I joined this forum at Christmas time and have started counselling 2 weeks ago. I thought I was in a good place but today I've lost a fortune. Weak and stupid, I don't know how to beat this thing, other than taking each day at a time and doing everything possible not to allow yourself the temptation.

Good luck

K

Thank you both for your posts; it is good to know that someone is reading my posts and taking an interest.

I can only vow to try and take each day as it comes and make sure that day is gamble free.

K - I too have been stupid and weak today which is a shame as until then things had not been going to badly. But I have been down this road many time before but I realise today I only have myself to blame and that I need to actually want to remain gamble free.

I will post my feelings and thoughts each day in the hope this will help.

I plan to try and get a good nights sleep then let tomorrow be another day.

Tomorrow I will look for GA meetings and counselling options - I believe I can beat this.

Hi g man , i got a problem with gambling since 18 years old , and im with 40 today,for the last eight weeks i stopped playing,i self excluded from all the shops around me,about 200,so imagine the number of photos delivered,i gave all my cash cards to my wife and only carry enough money for a coffee,same day i quit smoking,from 30,40,f**s to 0.no pads,straight in ,no fear!well it is hard,urges all the time,but its worthy ,for a long time i didnt save any money,and now its happening,and better everything as well,dont give up,keep strong!!

Thanks rulvo. this is my real day one. Feel absolutely terrible at the moment - the normal shame and disgust that comes after the event. Still have to remain positive that it is best in the long run and those feelings will fade in time.

G

Hi mate,

Well done for starting your diary. This is a great place where you will get great advice help and support.

Keep posting every day. all your thoughts and feelings. Good and bad. They will help you to understand this terrible illness.

You are right. You need to WANT to stop. You have to let go all the losses. My problem was after a big loss and my life down the toilet i would cry and lick my wounds professing to never ever gamble again. But its because i had no more money to gamble. No more 'ammunition' as I called it. Day 1 doesnt start for me until payday. I always really deep inside wanted to win some back. finish on a big win. It never happens. Even after winning 12,500 once. I put it all back and then some. You really have to let it all go. Only then can you just breathe out and say you are going to stop. CG's are master liars. Im an amazing liar. I can lie so convincingly that I sometimes believe my own lies.

Do all the blocks and put all the obsticles in your way. If you can give all the control of your account to someone else. This helped me. LApses can happen at any time, so be on your guard.

BE POSITIVE. STAY STRONG. JUST BREATHE

All the best

Kyle

The greatest win I will ever have, is to learn I will never win gambling

Hi Kyle

I too know how to lie - I kept it up for years without anyone knowing. You wonder how people can't see it as you think it must be so obvious, but I guess it gets easier and easier to hide the more you lie.

I used to blame my problems on being in debt; thinking it would go away when the debt went. After years of clearing the debt and being debt free; guess what; the monster is still there as I never really solved the problem.

Well this time will be different, it has to be as I am going to dedicate all my efforts to stopping it this time.

I will be contacting my GP for advice and have signed up for counselling and therapy.

My finances have been passed across to my other half and she will be coming to meetings/counselling with me.

Today is day 2; still feeling terrible about the lapse but i know the feeling and know it will fade it in time. As normal I wonder what I could now by with the money wasted, but I have to accept that it is gone and it is only coming back by not gambling again. The worst thing is; I cannot even say i enjoyed my last gambling sessions - there was no buzz but i crust couldn't stop myself. May be it is more the feeling of escape or wanting to feel down so someone finally notices how I feel.

I read a quote on one of the diaries about how someone wants to stop giving money to someone they don't know and then hating themselves during the transaction. That is such a good way of putting it and is exactly how I feel in the cold light of day - it is just not so easy when you are in the mist of the stupidity.

Day 2 and i realise I can no longer lie to myself - I have never really given this thing a proper go - always giving in after an initial start - lapsing time and time again. This time i am going to the root of the problem and am going to look at counselling, CBT and take advice from my GP.

How many days are you gamble free Kyle?

I also think I need to have a good long look at what my triggers are and how i can respond in the event that it begins to happen. Currently I am uncontrollable until the money runs out or I almost cry when I finally realise what I have done.

Day 2 done - not felling great yet but better than i did 2 days ago.

Regards

G

Hi G

Well everything you are doing is superb. Brilliant. You are doing everything right. Passed over control to your supportive other half, Getting counselling, seeing your GP. Terrific mate.

I know exactly how you feel about the loses... they are so hard to let go. When I think about all the money wasted its very depressing. But i did let it go. every penny. In the neighbourhood of £120,000. Do I want it back.. honestly.... NO. Do i want all the time back? All the time hiding away, hundreds of hours hunched over a laptop and down bookies, neglecting my friends and family, loosing the love of my life, destroying my health. Yes I do. But you cant have the time back. Thats impossible. But its possible to win all that money back isnt it?... You know the answer to that already. All I would do is just double that amount. No G-MAN I said Goodbye to that money long ago. But I did get something very valuable in exchange for it. I got bl00dy good lessons in life. I have a PHD in pain, sadness, guilt, anger, shame and any other horrible emotion you care to throw in. Worth every penny.

But all that lost time! thats the regret. The things I should have done. People I should have paid attention to. Places I should have gone. Yes thats my regret now.

Stopping gambling leaves a very big hole. That hole needs to be filled with other things. It needs to be filled with LIFE mate. So many CG's relapse purely out of boredom. We miss the excitement and the risk. The thrill and the danger of gambling. The adrenaline. Keep your guards up, talk it out with your Mrs and the counsellor. Keep your diary going. Get it all down. All your thoughts and feelings. I promise it will all help.

I used to think I was deliberately destroying myself. I would gamble everything i had, rent and bills money. And food money. Till I had nothing. It never made any sense to me. Until i discoved it was all about my self esteem. I wanted to see who would save me. Who loved me. 'If I threw myself in the river.... who would dive in to save me?' crazy right.

All the best my friend

And to answer your question. Im 17 months gamble free........ or if you like 474 days.

And If I can do that....... anyone can.

Kyle

Hi Kyle

Wow 474 days is amazing; the most I have managed in recent times is around 180 days. This time it is day 3. Not felling too hung up on the last week; am more worried about work at the moment.

Am going to go for a run this evening as well as i here exercise is good for your moods and sleep.

Reagrds

G

Hi The G-Man

Well done for coming on here and starting a recovery diary, its a massive step in the right direction, and a tool that can really aid your recovery.

Lots of sound advice from the others that have posted here. Take all the advice on board, some of it may help on your journey, some of it may not. I really believe that we all have different paths on our battle against this addiction. Some can be similar, some not. Some people make it first time, others don't. But I do believe we can all make it.

You've proved you can make 180 days. That's a good period of time. Try and work out what you learnt in that time, and what pushed you back to gambling.

Running is a great idea. Replacing time spent either gambling/thinking about gambling is a good tool. Plus running costs nothing, helps make you feel good and personally I think it helps aid a healthy mind.

I think you said yourself you have got to want to give up. That for me was key. A couple of times I went for long periods without gambling, but deep down there was a small hole that didn't want to fully let go. This time I don't feel the hole is there, and if I ever feel like it wants to come back I am able to block it.

Day 4 done. Been to pub tonight with the dog and had two. Not feeling too bad an no urges so far. Am playing football tomorrow night then Friday is a meal out so things should be okay until then. Weekends are normally a problem so best fill them with activities.

G-man

Well done. Keep it going. Keep posting. Keep reading. Keep busy.

This weekend coming sounds like it will be your first big test. Make some plans. Tighten up the blocks and obsticles. Put yourself out of the game.

I will be rooting for you

Keep fighting. Keep smiling. Keep breathing

Kyle

Hey G-Man,

I'm taking a keen interest in your diary, and I wish all the best. Stay strong.

We're both going to beat this.