My Diary

Hi Daniel.

Well done on taking the first steps. Having a stressful job doesn't help. I know this is one of the "trigger factors" for me, which can lead to gambling. I've been learning how to deal with stress recently and I'm sure it will get easier for you in the future. You just have to remember that gambling is never the answer and will only make things worse.

You've lost a significant amount of money over the last two days. But that's gone now. Look ahead to the future. Don't think about chasing your losses. It's a fool's errand. It will only result in you losing even more money.

It's up to you whether or not to confess to your wife that you are a gambling addict. I don't know your own personal position, but I guess you need to ask yourself if there's a chance she'll find out herself. If there is a risk of that then maybe telling her about your problems might be better than her finding out and feeling that you've betrayed her trust in some way. I don't know. It's a complicated one.

I know you feel ashamed. That's only natural, but everyone on here will have sympathy for you because we all know what if feels like to be addicted. The shame will pass and hopefully turn into pride as you continue to not gamble.

Keep on posting in your diary. It definitely helps in the early stages of abstinence. Good luck Daniel!

Daniel

Fella well done for wanting to end the misery that is your compulsion to gamble, only you can make this decision and it is one that will gift you freedom from what gambling makes us become.

Lying to my wife for twenty years for what I saw as protecting her was actually the worst thing I did, because it always left the door open, for addiction to tempt me back through once the dust had settled from yet another bout of losses, with the promise of a 'win' as my reward.

We both know that no win will ever be big enough, it will always be one more spin,just another hand.

We cannot win because we cannot stop.

My advice if you are serious put al the blocks in place you can, self exclude, have no access to your money, give up control of it if you have too.

Then take akk the help out there, this forum, GA your friends and family will all offer you the support to turn that mantra round.

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP.

I wont wish you good luck that for you like me ran out long ago.

Now it is about re-education

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Daniel thanks for posting and I can feel your pain . Like u I've young kids and I'm 35 , I've been gambling for over 20 yrs starting small to the inevitable bigger stakes to get that same buzz ! It doesn't get any better trust me it's a one way path deeper into despair and misery I too have kept my latest binge from my wife but I believe honesty is important but like u I feel I can't confess right now things are already v shaky! Sitting at home now wife out with friend both boys in bed watching football relaxed and content , out for lunch no drink , no gambling no feelings of despair or remorse and that's because today I never gambled ! If you want it enough recovery is out there , no magic fix but you ll get out what u put in ! Take care

Hi Daniel

Acceptance is a big part of recovery. Accepting the money has gone and not coming back is key. You now have a choice once you decide you don't want to gamble. You must make the right choice everyday. Stress is a trigger for us CGs so you might want to try and combat it with taking up some other form of pastime. It isn't easy but then if it was we would all be gambling and giving up as and when we want. There is no rush in recovery as it is a journey you will be on for the rest of your life. There is no end to this wondrous journey that will show you how good your life can be without gambling. Take care

Dear Diary,

It has been 5 days since my last post where I l was left emotionally scarred. During those days were the most stressful moments in my recent life, accepting what I have done, and acting like nothing happened at my home and work.

Since my last deposit with the casino they have enticed me with promotional emails which I have blocked and deleted for good.

I already have a lot of bills to pay such as mortgage, other credit card debts from purchases, which adds pressure to my financial situation. I am tempted to win the money back but I’ve been there before and already have flashbacks with the huge devastation this causes.

The positive news I have successfully managed to apply for a new credit card that covers £10k and transfer the debt with a balance transfer interest free credit card, with a small fee, that will last me for 31 months until I need to apply for a new credit card and use another promotional rate instead of paying huge interest rates with a loan. Making small payments I have calculated this will take around 7-8 years to pay off as I don’t have the finances to make larger payments.

I am tempted to win this back and I would be lying to say I’m not, but I am. But I have too much to lose and I cannot cope with all this stress anymore. Life is to short. Letting the debt go is the hardest part of being a compulsive gambler, otherwise we wouldn’t be a compulsive gambler.

I have focused on my two young children spending more time with them and organising family days out. Then it really made me discover what a complete idiot I’ve been. And because of the kids, I didn’t gamble with my new credit card. I made the online balance transfer and can now put this to rest and pay the huge bill for my so called two days of worthless entertainment I have ever had the privilege to voice my opinion on.

I have ‘let it go’ and accept defeat. The online casino have beaten me. But when I don’t gamble I am winning.

And its another day today, and what do I need to say?

‘Just for today I will not gamble’.

Tomorrow is another day....

Happy Gamble Free day Everyone.

ForeverYoung.

Daniel.

Well done getting it all down on your diary. Keep posting and write everything down. All your thoughts and feelings and experiences. good and bad. It will really help you.

I can hear the conflict in you. You know what you need to do.. your trying to accept that the money is gone.. but your repeating the refrain 'try to win it back'

LET IT GO DANIEL. You are at a very dangerous crossroads. The temptation to 'solve' everything with one last spin is so strong.. but your staring the devil straight in the eye. The thought of 7-8 years of repayments verses one slice of luck! Daniel it wont happen. Its the same story over and over on these pages. Even if you won a large amount back, you would just keep going and going till it was eventually all gone.. then you wouldnt be able to accept that and you would chase that and lose even more in the process.

You got a very big lifeline with that credit card offer. Your very lucky to get that. But you also got more 'Ammunition' to play with. Things could potentially get twice as bad if you let temptation get the better of you.

Its not easy to let the loses go. That was my problem. I wanted to go out on a high. Win the big one. Ive lost £120,000 over the years so it was tough. Finally I won 12,500 and thought i could stop. I felt like it was a bit of a payoff and i could stop with my head up. But instead of being happy i was miserable. Grumpy and stressed the whole time. I couldnt even bring myself to spend any of it on myself. I felt guilt and shame. Well within a week i had logged back on at the casino and spent it all and then another 3,000 chasing it. Enough is NEVER enough for us. As much as the money hurts, you know it rarely ever has anything to do with the money. So dont justify that as a cause. For a CG its not the money. Its the gambling itself.

If you asked me now if I would want all my money back from gambling, I would honestly tell you. NO! i have let it go mate. I paid for expensive life lessons. In pain, sadness, fear, shame, guilt and anger. Expensive lessons, but today i believe you cannot be truly happy until you have truly known pain. those lessons were worth it. I am in a great place today.

You have to let it go. You can finally be at peace with yourself once you accept its gone. I promise you it feels so good. That was a huge part of my recovery and im now 17 months gamble free. Do I want the time back? Yes I do. All those hundreds of hours hunched over a laptop or down the bookies, throwing my life away, neglecting family and friends, loosing the love of my life, loosing my health,loosing my youth. Give me back the Time. Please. But that is impossible isnt it. Whats improbable is winning back that money which is why you will always be tempted against the odds to do it. Its what will always hold you back. Always be on your mind in this fight. Once you let it go.... you can breathe again. I PROMISE you

Im sorry for drivelling on Daniel, but I can hear that conflict in you.

BE POSITIVE. STAY STRNG. JUST BREATHE

Kyle

The greatest win I will ever have is to learn I will never win gambling.

Kyle that was a truly inspirational message and for me that has made me feel so much better about myself , ure right you have to let it go and move on.

Dear Diary,

7 long emotional days have passed under these difficult times accepting the burden of debt and guilt inflicted in a moment of madness. I often asked myself why a normal guy with moral values and commitments had ever brought this on himself.

The balance transfer is complete so pressure is off from the huge Credit Card interests and my first bill will begin in a few days when I am paid at the end of the month. The debt is now controlled but I can barely afford to pay much off every month.

My wife asked me if everything was okay as she saw I was a little down which of course I said everything was fine. I decided to keep this to myself and face up to the consequences by working my way through the mountain of debt.

I have worked extra shifts and overtime to make up for my losses giving me less family time to spend with the kids and very little time for myself. My family do not deserve this at all. Financial times are very hard at the moment with a lot of bills to pay at the moment. Looking at the long future ahead of me, it appears like a dull, long and impossible journey.

‘Just one day at a time’ I tell myself, one day at a time.

‘This time next year, I be a millionaire’ better than I was. (quote taken from Del Boy).

Forever Young Everyone.

Daniel x

Hi Daniel

I just wanted to say well done for your week free from this godawful addiction and I just wanted to comment on something you said about the fact that future ahead of you being "dull, long impossible"-

- every minute you are working towards clearing that debt you are working towards a better future for you and your family

-every time you choose not to gamble you are a winner

-every time you pay off what you have to at the end of the month you have achieved something positive and you are not adding to it.

-you are taking control of your life now so that your future can be bright, full of fun and without that sickness that comes with gambling.

-you are doing something good now and when you do have an extra few pounds and some time- take your family out, even if its just for dinner and smile because you will win this battle and there will be a brighter time ahead.

Linda

Hi Daniel,

Really enjoyed your post, you sound like you are optimistic and are able to think clearer now that you have faced up to the addiction.

The only worry I have from reading is that you are shouldering this alone, yes you are on this forum, but it's true that a problem shared is a problem halved.

There are some people who can probably get through this alone, perhaps they have caught it in time and have lost some money but aren't in debt about it, but if you feel you can I would tell your other half.

They could actually be more supportive than you might think. Naturally if you don't think your relationship could handle this then don't do that, but the relief when you tell someone and get it off your chest has really helped with my recovery.

There was no cross words, no shouting, no nothing - just many tears on my part and plenty of reassurance on his.

Hope you manage to stay strong.

Laura

Dear Diary,

3 weeks have passed and amazed how time has flown by and made it through the first month. The debt has reduced by 2% which isn’t much at all but in the long run it will slowly shrink. I try to forget about how much I have lost in those dark moments of madness, isolated, seduced to the dark side of the force, and clicking my mouse buttons vigorously. It has made me realised I was in a completely different world and reflected the quality social and family life I have neglected.

I have lost interest in gambling and trying to win the money back because I know it will never come back and to cut my losses now. I have spent time accepting the loss which I have been working on. The real problem is trying to remove the debt from my thoughts because I will always picture in my mind what the money could have been spent on. If it was that easy recovery be as simple as ABC, but it’s not, and will take the full emotional resilience and strength I have to succeed.

I still have plenty of bills to pay from everyday life and in addition in the next few months, a new family car to pay off as the children are growing bigger and they are my number one priority. The family car was ordered before my losses and I decided it would emotionally be wrong to cancel the car in order to facilitate paying off all the gambling debts very fast. The debts can wait and it is my second mortgage where I be making small payments each month as an act of punishment I have set myself up for. There is no urgency to pay these debts quicker and it will take as long as they need to.

During the last three weeks I have been working hard for extra money and overtime to see us through each month.

I’ve had some days off from work and spent time with the kids. I treated them to a day out to the zoo which they really enjoyed. Also treated the family to eat out in some restaurants as it was the least I could do.

I have been going to the gym and keeping fit which has made me feel better and fresh. There have been some sunny days and I can see the start of the summer approaching us with plenty to look forward to.

Progress is steady and improving. Wife still does not know and I don’t think telling her will benefit the situation I am in. The first month priority was to control the debt into manageable payments which I had done. One month has passed and there have been changes and improvement. Still a mountain of debt to pay off and this is just the beginning....

‘Just for today I won’t gamble....’

Good Luck All xxx

Forever Young

Dear Diary,

45 days have gone by since my last post. It will be nearly 3 months since my last moment of madness where the recovery begins again.

Life in the real world has been steadily progressing well. Not much has changed since my last post. My wife still does not know about this, I am working as much as I can including any overtime available, and saving as much money as possible.

I never did get the family car I wanted at this time due to my losses and have decided to delay this until my fiances are in a much more stable condition.

Everyday I try and forgive myself and to my family what I have done and put this addiction behind. I will always have flash backs from time to time, but I have been coping better now.

The journey continues…..

Daniel

Forever Young

well done daniel

for some its easier for others its not

my gambling and recovery journey is a daily one and that's what it is

i'm just glad to read yours is going well

keep appreciating what you have

precious gifts

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