Thought I'd start writing a diary on here which I plan on at least updating once a week to share my hopefully recovery and to help myself track my progress that I am making in overcoming this problem of mine. My story is in the new members forum if anyone needs/wants any background info.
Day 5: 28/05/2013
So while I have not had to urge to gamble, the bad feelings associated with lost money and hurt relationships is somewhat getting to me. I am constantly thinking about that long road to getting to a time where I am financially ok again and I shouldn't worry about money.
I am currently on the University break which could actually turn out to be a full break from university as I fear I have messed up my exams to the point where I cannot do anything about. We'll see how that turns out in the near future.
In the middle of all this, my ex-girlfriend decided to contact me. Now we broke up for something completely unrelated to my gambling problem, but it did cause a bad moment in our relationship a couple of years ago. I still love her and miss her, and I think she still does in her own way but she is never open to me, though because of everything that has happened now, I don't feel like fighting for her on any level as; 1) I don't won't her to know about this again and 2) atm I don't feel worthy of any girl.
Aside from that, I go on holiday to Los Angeles in 11 weeks time. I am looking forward to it, but am feeling undeserving of it now and also I feel like I should not be going as any money I do earn or receive from my family is going to go towards spending money for that.
From now until then, I am trying to do as much paid work as possible to fill time and of course earn money, not just to get spending money for myself but also make things easier for when I return.
At this point in the aftermath of losing most my money, I cannot truly say I'm recovering yet as I haven't been tested yet due to having no money, but it's a start not having any urge to bet over 5 days. I just hope the future is still bright for me and get back on track and hop to be happy again without gambling.
Good luck with your recovery mate I'm in the sane position. I too have trouble with relationships, thinking I don't deserve to be happy due to my obsession with gambling. Keeping myself extra busy at work and throwing myself into the gym to keep me away from the bookies.
All the best
Day 17: 09/06/13
So far, so good. No gambling and no attempts to go on any sites.
Ok, I still haven't got much money to put on anything, but still haven't had a real urge to put what I have got on, so at least it is something.
Just been keeping real busy at work, doing whatever which has kept me occupied and it is also satisfying to know that I should be clear of my outstanding credit card balance within a few months.
In addition to that, looks like I may have more money come through from an inheritance, just want to make sure I am wise with that money and clear headed about staying clear of gambling before any money comes through.
Anyway, I am remaining positive and optimistic about what the future holds for me and I am also getting excited now for my holiday which is only 9 weeks away.
Here's to another week!
Day 24: 16/06/13
Through another week: no gambling 🙂
Been easy enough, just a little tough not having the money to buy a Villa shirt like a usually do on a yearly basis. Still it's another learning experience. Here is to next year when I can buy the new shirt freely.
Day 28: 20/06/13
Still going strong with no gambling, just those thoughts of regret in my mind.
Can't buy what I want to buy anymore, can't freely do what I want to do at the moment. This is the feeling I need to remember to progress as I don't care for it too much. No need for the highs and inevitable lows of gambling.
Also got my first credit card bill that I can't pay off fully for the first time in years. Sucks getting interest, but it could be worse.
Day 30 soon enough!
Day 31 - 23/06/2012
Well day 30 has come and gone. All good so far.
I feel positive about the future, although the time without any serious money may last a bit longer than planned, due to an hitch in a house sale/inheritance.
Still, I'm trying not to think about that until I actually have the money in my bank.
Next week could potentially be a test with pay-day arriving, but my money is pretty much already spent on my Credit Card bill and then changing some into US dollars, so there should be no problem.
About 7 weeks now until my holiday and I cannot wait. Feeling very excited about it now!
Until next week...
Day 33 - 25/06/2013
Little worried today as it seems my hours at work have taken a hit which of course means less money. With that, little urges have come back with me thinking that I can make a little money on a few bets in order to ease the next few months, but I know it's a bad idea as any win will just give me a false sense of hope, thinking I can win everything I lost back.
Just need pay-day to come so I can straight away pay the money off onto my credit card and continue straight for another month.
Tough times, but, I did this, so I have to rise up and deal with it.
Day 35: 27/6/2013
So it's Thursday, and I got paid a day early and the first thing I did was...pay off my Credit Card!
That's the majority of my money gone for this month, so none for gambling and a happier me.
Also paid off a bit of my holiday. About 6 weeks left and I jet off to the US again and go for the Sun, Theme Parks and Summerslam!!
Why o why did I gamble, when I would have more money for this?
Until next time!
Day 39: 01/7/2013
A new month, and a new me (sort of)
Pretty simple weekend, with actually a little amount spent on me. Gotta be honest, this budgeting stuff is really tough on me. Sure I have no real responsibilities, but still, for the past 9 years or so since I have been working, I have bought myself whatever I want, but for now, I still have to take it easy.
Still trying to get more hours at work, but looks like it won't be happening, so the time when my credit card is fully paid off and I can be in a healthier financial position will be put back a couple of months by the looks of things. Don't like that idea, but I'm just trying to take things as they come.
That's about all for now
Hey JTM,
you are about 2 days ahead of me so will know a bit of your journey to here. I hope you are starting to feel better about life as a whole, the budgeting is tough and very daunting, and I have no doubt that like me you used to use gambling as an escape from dealing with. One thing is for sure, gambling would make matters so much worse.
Stay strong and very well done so far.
Phil
Thanks Phil
You know that's right about the budgeting, though I used to gamble to buy things so I never had to touch my own money. Stupid but, it's just one reason why we have done what we have done.
I am feeling better about things. Still don't feel tested yet as I haven't got the money to fund the habit like I had been doing. I never really did small stakes, instead it was always larger deposits for larger wins which in turn led to larger deposits for larger losses.
In better news, I have just found out that I can proceed to my final year at university, which I am so happy about as my I thought my gambling had cost me as things come to a head during my exam period. This
also means that my finances will be considerably better thanks to student finance etc, so I get yet another chance and I just hope that I have the will not to blow this again and this really is my final chance
Day 43: 05/07/13
Feeling generally better about things due to this weeks good news, however I feel I may be thinking too positively by believing the worst is over just because my finances look to be a lot better come the end of September. Haven't thought about my problem too much as I just associate it with money, which is true in someways, but it isn't all about that.
Still no gambling, which is always a plus, just no real money for the rest of the month because I got over zealous in paying off some more of my credit card in an attempt to not get charged so much interest. Still I should just about be alright and things should get a little easier from then on.
Day 47: 9/7/13
Not much to report so far, just a basic diary entry...
Been getting a few extra hours at work here and there which has made me happy knowing that I should pick up a decent enough pay-check soon enough.
No gambling thoughts, just holiday thoughts in which I am anxiously awaiting the end of the month so I can finish buying the remaining parts. Only 4 weeks next Monday.
I am hopeful that I will not relapse this time. I don't want to let my family down ever again with gambling problems. I also do not want to ever write on here that I have relapsed, for my sake and for anyone else who reads this in search for positive stories.
50 Days coming up! 🙂
Day 49: 11/7/13
Just had to borrow a bit of money from my mom. Obviously it was because of the fall out from gambling, but on the smaller side, it was from trying to clear debts too quickly, and here I am, only a third through the month with little money to get by. Just an advance on what I was potentially going to get at the end of the month.
Easy enough day today. Started at work and then enjoyed a dip in my swimming pool today, followed by a five hour sleep. Not too bad!!
Better than wasting my money on dodgy pre-season game outcomes!
One more for 50
Jace
Hey Jace,
well done for your hard work, and a big high five for when reaching the 50 as I am sure you will. Hopefully, you are feeling the benefits from the last 49 odd days and keep up the great work.
Phil
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