Strange twists of fate during gambling episodes

Hi

Thank you for sharing your experiences and your pains.

In my life I have also been on a roller coaster ride, while in action I thought it was both fun and exciting.

Even thinking it was the most exciting thing in my life.

Sadly because I was unable to process my emotional vulnerability in healthy ways I use to escape to my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions.

The bigger the risk the bigger the rush, again thinking it was happiness.

Now I understand how ever much pain I was before my gambling, by gambling not only did hurt myself but by keep on lying I lived in more and more fear.

The recovery program is a healing process yet I could not heal if I was still causing myself more and more pain.

I am a non religious person yet I am a healthier spiritual person with no religions.

I reached times where I did not want to be there but I felt so helpless and useless, losing all faith and hope in myself.

Yes crashing out was very self destructive.

Escaping to unhealthy habits changed over time.

There was the anger, there was living in guilt and shame, there was impatience and intolerance in myself, there was continuous disappointment in myself, there were fears made out of mountains, there was lack of direction, there was of focus, there was lack of my commitment, there was lack of self sufficiency, I was in an terrible condition walking in to the recovery program.

Yet if you asked me I would say I am fine or not so bad, I was lying to myself.

Keep at your recovery, you deserve it.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

@absentee 

Hi

You say that my writing style is epic.

I do hope you can feel how much I have invested in becoming healthy today.

That my sharing and therapies help you see and feel how real my recovery is today.

Thank you for your kind comment.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi @gadaveuk, it reads to me like @absentee was referring to @jackjones's post where he said he'd lost in an epic way. But we would agree your writing is epic, and thank you for posting in support of jack here and sharing your experience.

@jackjones, sorry to read about your relapse. It's good that you have posted about it. What do you think you need to do next? Do you feel like giving us a call to talk over some options for helping you stop? We're on 0808 8020 133 if you do. We're open 24 hours on the freephone and our livechat. Mainly, keep posting and updating us on how you're doing. As you see there is a wealth of experience here on the forum and people are here supporting you.

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Thanks guys for reading. Thanks Gamcare for support 

My body clamps up when I lose. But hey, I am a winner. Because I'm smart enough to realise money isn't real and losing it all opens doors of opportunities. You can pull yourself together and realise it's a dream, an illusion.

The day I lost I saw 6 magpies in a row, this was a superstition I have... However, I really knew that I was due to lose my money after winning for such  a long time. 

I believe in so many things that you guys probably wouldn't comprehend. The bottom line is the Negatives we all go through are signs, probably angels or something... The fine Art of life and nature itself that we are connected to, Gambling exposes us the the rawness of nature..... Without the huge rock bottoms I probably would be completely stuck in a perpetual cylce of misery.... It's  how quickly we can bounce back from catastrophe that  displays our boldness and  integrity. I am dignified completely in these challenging times.

I am thankful to gambling in spinning me around and stirring up so much trouble in my life that I am  now almost  completely fixated on the wonderful changes ahead of me...Those magpies were real angels telling me that Losing IS winning after all!!! 

What I know to be true is that gambling is s******g with my mental health. My nervous system is very jumpy and there is a knot in my stomach. When it gets to this stage it's time to call it a day. It's withdrawal, but my mind is definitely not wanting a gamble at all...I hope my subconscious has finally re programmed itself to avoid stupid s**t ..

Sware down, I am done with GAMBLING!!! It's got me into; spiraling debt, crappy mental and physical health. 

I am determined now to pay off the debts because I realise it's only money. 

How can a bit of fun lead to greed, imapatience and desperation?

To be honest I just need a bit more education.

The way things are with the system and the failing companies. I believe  everything they are doing needs to stop too...

Technology is ridiculously sophisticated these days  and  people are bombarded with way too much information. Hence, we feel we are not enough.

Just a reminder; I am the Universe experiencing life, love and  the wonders of the World.

The Universe has already given me life and that's all I need. Everything else is just material. 

Remember; There cannot be any joy without hardship....

No, I don't want MONEY... Why? Because I am already Rich...For I am the Universe and it already knows what I need...I already have.

Unfortunately; the rich are trapped, driven by greed and preying on the vulnerable....Yet still gamblers want that lifestyle.... Wow!! What a mess....

Hi

I have surrendered to the fact that gambling is very unhealthy habit for me.

For me paying off debts needed to be done in a slow careful way.

I use to think that winning money would make me happy.

I use to think that money would heal my pains and I would not live in fear. 

My gambling was a form of escape from my feelings and my emotions.

My impatience only indicated how cruel and hard I was on myself.

My desperation anxiety and panicking indicated the levels of fear I was living in.

Because of pains and trauma in my child hood I found it difficult to learn absorb information and t understand was very difficult.

Once I was able to abstain from my unhealthy habits the healing process could start to heal the hurt inner child in me.

I feared being honest with myself.

My life starts with just for today I will not gamble.

Love and peace to every one.

Thank you

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Thanks for posts 

100%, the gambling loss put a knot in my stomach and bought back muscle tension. This ain't no joke anymore, in fact it destroys health....

There is some sort of witchcraft about gambling because I have read the books and it all says the same thing and it happened to me too...

...You start off after a break by usually winning because the law of averages is in your favour...But even worse, there may be something more sinister going on...

. For instance, the system is designed to lure you in, the system allows you to believe you are going to get that big win...Perhaps you do!  And then....You know what happens next they  get it all back with more....It's the same as borrowing money....They will give it if they believe they can make a profit...

...Bottom line is, when you win you ain't taking nothing because money isn't mine or yours, it's the systems and we  all a victim of it....

I'm going to be frank about this.

For me posting on other's thread seems a bit odd, for the reason that, I am not the right person to support other's when I am in the same predicament.

On the other hand, if someone cares to read this and is going through; anxiety, depression and other mental health issues; then all I can do is try to put my thoughts down here with the hope it reaches somebody that is struggling.

Okay, my gambling has manifested as a real illness. When I gamble I feel horrid. When I lose I feel even worse.

I have realised there is a way to lift myself out of spiralling thoughts,  muscle tension, gut issues and a whole host of other stuff. When I got really bad I would clamp up and freeze...This is what pretty graphics, little leprechauns and promises of £500  winnings actually  bring to the table 

Back to recovery; what I found is deep breathing really works.....Namely holotropic breathing. A diet with around 90 percent whole natural foods and plenty of water. Plenty of sleep and AVOID b******t at ALL costs!!

Another thing  that works for me is post it Notes. Placing one with your name directly in front of you when you wake up. That is you, the person, body and flesh.

Then all the worry that pops into your head place post it notes to the left as they all pop up in your head. You will end up with all those negative thoughts to the left and then the YOU note directly in front.

Very simply you come to realise that all the trauma, all the drama and disgust about your wretched 'self' is just thoughts that have gotten out of control and all you need to do is move forward without them.

I am not saying forget about the mess  just let your BRAIN realise that....A thought is just that, however,  it can manifest if we do not organize them and realise .....That it is  just a story!!!

It takes practice, 8n fact it's taken me years to get to this point where I can bring myself out of terrible circumstances....

The problem is I still have to be mindful of the day I have recovered completely because my brain always tries to make itself comfy and sees those lovely graphics as friendly and welcoming oneself back into 'HELL'... 

Hi

In being open and honest makes recovery so much simpler for myself.

In our sharing we both see and feel our self in others.

To understand our unhealthy reactions to life people and situations we could not cope with.

If we start to understand our emotional triggers we can do some thing about them.

Giving up the unhealthy habit of living in my fears wanting to escape was self destructive.

When I gambled I escaped in my growing fears.

When I gambled the consequences were more pains more fears more frustrations.

When I gambled the consequences were more guilt more shame more regrets.

Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary we set up for our self.

Just for today I will not hurt myself any more.

Muscle tension, gut issues and a whole host of other stuff, was fear based issues along with panic and anxiety.

Is this any way to heal our hurt inner child.

The money was never going to give me any emotional resolve or healing.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

Recovery is about healing.

I am not able to heal if I am stressing my self out all of the time.

Recovery is about living just for today only in a healthy way.

It was my responsibility to exchange every unhealthy habit in to healthy habits 

In time my life was based up on living with out my fears.

In time my life was based up on getting to know myself more.

Just for today I will be the healthiest person I can be today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

I thought it was only me until I read the last post.

But now I realise the end of the road in the Cg World,  is a crippling disease of misery, debt and sadly poor health....

My own mind says, when I was winning everyone was my friend and life was easy. When it all went wrong those people turn. Is that my paranoid mind? The mind of a pathological gambling addict?

You know when it becomes serious when it finally makes you sick no matter whether you win or lose, but you still  want to be in it.

The aftermath of losing and crawling back for help  is you try to make amends and find a way to  live with your wretched self and again the brain seems to make excuses; sorts out whatever horrid mess we are in and logically reorganises itself and actually makes sense of it  so it can make us 'comfortable' once again...

After some time it slowly hides the fact that Gambling ever did anything wrong and maybe....just maybe you'll play again....Albeit, Knowing that it's a game, that is designed to make you lose. But still, the mind is constantly trying to make you feel good, remember,  because it has a habit of doing that .. 

I used to laugh at my Dog when I was a kid watching it chase it's tail and even biting itself sometimes....I wonder if that's nature's way of showing that we all go around Circles?

....Time to break the pattern

Hi Jackjones,

"WHEN I WAS WINNING EVERYONE WAS MY FRIEND". That's the thing in a CGs world, when you laugh, the whole world laughs with you. But when you cry Jack wipe the tears away & look behind you there's no-one there. Is this pathological addiction really your friend ?. 

Best Wishes

AL

@jackjones 

Hi

The sooner I gave up my unhealthy habits the sooner I was going to heal from the pains of my past.

For me the gambling was a slippery path to self destruction.

For me the gambling the other addictions obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

The buzz of gambling was fear based adrenaline rush.

Being in action I did not want to know people around me, I was escaping in my fears.

When ever I was winning very rare was the only time I thought I was successful.

For me win or lose situations I was already emotionally traumatized and I had lost the plot.

On crawling back after a night of self destruction I felt lower than dog c**P.

For me finding excuses or justifying myself I was being very unhealthy.

After a night of self abuse destroying myself I was in an emotional trauma.

If you asked me how I was feeling I would have told you I was fine.

Then we learn in time that when people ask you how you are feeling, and we answer they know we are emotionally vulnerable and that we are lying to them.

The only person we are fooling is our self.

Time to break the unhealthy pattern habit.

At what time would I get wise to myself and say enough pain let us stop hurting our self.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Well here I am, back to square 1.

I kept gambling at bay for several months but something snapped recently and the twig fell from the branch.

I can shrug this of, pick myself up and move forward again; without the need to seek help because I am strong and this doesnt matter, after all its only money, isnt it?

Truth is it dors matter, in fact as much as I cover it up in oregami it wont be pretty at all...

Once the money has disappeared into the abyss, it isnt going ti magically appear back. Just like star trek when they say, 'beam me uo Scotty' thing is, if the cash does materialise itonly comes back in dribs and drabs...

I have bren following my Horoscope recently and it states I am due to come into a lot of money, unfortunately I lost a hefty chunk of money today and wonder whether my horoscope has predicted my fortune with suvh accuracy? For the reason that, this is the turning point of good things to come... Abstaining from gambling is the one thing that will make a poor man rich...

Day 1 starts tomoz.

Btw, no need advice about vlocks in place because I already sorted that part out...

I need to get my thoughts downn9n paper to get this mighty cash ball rolling.