The Devils Payroll

hey Rob...

thanks for posting and yes your right ..I have to start getting involved with music again...

Ideally id love for us all to be telepathic but music is probably the closest thing I will get to that!

Communication generally is also a weird one as I guess we all have different ways of expressing ourselves and it sounds like your doing some soul searching on that one...

im glad you stayed on the forum ..its like you had a breakthrough somehow ...can't explain..as usual,..yep we all will have S***e days but at least no one takes it personally on here when that happens...

Dots says hi...oh...and she sings too ...got her howling on cue now..

R and D xx

Off over to check out the music thread x

Ps

Fave Homer quote of all time...

Homer :Lisa ...there are 3 ways of doing something ...the right way,the wrong way and the Homer Simpson way..

Lisa: What's the Homer Simpson way?

Homer : The wrong way....only faster!

Lol

Ps...50 words fab album...have you checked out Ariel?...

Am a HUGE Bush fan..arf..arf... ; )

Love snowflake track

Well its been a month and still gamble free. Have not felt like posting and go through periods where I just feel I have nothing to say or add.

Went out last night and meet someone I used to go to school with. This guy was very apologetic at the way he used to bully me and treat me. To be honest I forgot all about that time and don't pay it any mind which seemed to frustrate him as he was expecting anger. In fact it came across that those times had stayed with him and troubled him much more than me.

He bought me a drink and we chatted for a good while, told him a bit of my life story and ended up telling him about my gambling. Seemed taken aback as he always saw me as someone who "had his head screwed on right".

I am a lot more open about my gambling, however I am weary of making it more than it is and wearing my recovery like a badge of honour. I feel this gives it too much importance and power. I am not sure I can explain it right as I imagine most don't want gambling to have that control and power over them and will give it over to recovery. I just want to get on with my life and forget all about it like I did with the bullying when I was at school.

I guess some of it comes down to how you interrupt recovery. If you just seen it as stopping gambling or you see it as much more than this. I have never really bought into the whole 12 steps to become a better person. I have problems and flaws like anyone else and want to work at them but not under the banner of recovery, just as an non gambling person would do.

Quiet day so far and no big plans and no gambling problems. I like Mondays at work as they are always quiet for me, Tuesday is normally the mad day. Not working as hard at work which I feel is no bad thing, remember an old friend used to say people need to learn how to be lazy as working too hard is bad for you. Unless its a work of passion and its something you would do for free. When I say lazy I don't mean in the sense of getting others to do the work for you as that's obviously unfair, just don't work yourself into the grave over something you would rather not be doing. This is the attitude I have at work at the moment and feel my priorities have all changed. Some say laziness is the mother of invention and I tend to agree.

Woke up this morning and was not comfortable with the original content of this post, I will talk about it after the event.

Hey Hey all you good people

Still alive and still gamble free. Not much else to report. Still come and read the forums from time to time and make the odd trip into chat but generally don't feel like posting or feel like I can contribute much. Kinda nice to see some folk that have been posting for awhile, don't mean that in a bad sense. Its good people can still come and pour it all out on there diary regardless of what stage there recovery is. When I do pop in and read the forums it just seems a constant stream of new people, kinda nice for them to have these big diaries of people who have been here a while to read up on and grab inspiration from, that recovery is possible and these diaries help.I salute you.

Hi Rob,

It is good 2 read u r still gamble free, u r doing brilliant 🙂

Stay strong and keep going xx

Hey Rob...

Glad to see you still pop in to the forum and it sounds like life is ticking along fine for you right now,...hats off for being so accomodating with your old school mate...I guess he feels a sense of relief talking to you and you probably have a lot in common.

Funny how people have perceptions and I guess he went home with food for thought when you told him about your gambling...

Bullies also normally have esteem issues and he obviously has a lot of regret.

Hoping youre still into your music ? Im in a bit of a no mans land with it at the moment ...not sure if you do the festival circuit...im there in spirt but like my own bed and a flushing toilet these days...lol plus im not sure I could pull off shorts and floral wellies at my age.

12 step recovery is not for everyone and as some have been saying on the forum it seems there are different levels of gambling from problematic to compulsive.

I thought I was an alcoholic , i do share the key personality trait trigger which is resentment and anger but I was a reactive drinker however never say never.

As they say with addictions ..folks can get off the elevator on different floors and it seems you have got off after going down only a few floors .....good on ya Rob......

Anyhooo..I shall push off your diary ....sunbathing to do ..dont be a stranger

R and D Xx

Ps...gutted Monty died .x

Hey Diary

Been mega busy at work. Combination of sickness and illness has left us short staffed. Works going well but still big uncertainly due to staff of the client being bought up by another company. Suck it and see at the moment far as my circumstances.

Apart from boring work been trying to reconnect with an old friend. About close to 4 years ago was best man for this friend. Not really kept in touch much with a combination of his circumstances changing and having a family and my gambling. Remember at the wedding and the part of the day I was most passionate about was talking about horse racing and betting. I did a best man speech and I wish I put the same kind of passion into it as I did gambling as he is a great bloke. A lot I admire about him, he worked manual work save up to go to uni to do a creative writing course, followed his heart and dream. Completed the degree and become a published writer, although not his occupation now and has had to go back to his old profession to provide for his family. I remember he said he envied my freedom and position to be able to do what I want but angered him as I had no direction and didn't know what to do with it.

Have sent an email and offered out the hand.cant expect it to be taken and maybe have to accept that some bridges have been burnt. Either way I have learnt to try and make more of an effort and appreciate the friends and the connections I make with them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYDlX49yUSI&sns=em

Did it!!!! ...back later xx

Ps ...is your pal who you were best man for "changing his name to Donald Twain? "....lol

Ho ho ho....that's genius Rob...now THAT is what would make me get interested in politics again...lol..I'd get a ringside seat!...hahahaha ..."once youve been spiked by me ..you know you've been spoken to..." ....throw Paxman into the mix and it would be a riot ....

Thats given me a proper laugh today Rob...thank you ...xxx

Hey Good People

Well still gamble free and really everything is just ticking over quietly. Just waiting things out until I have cleared my debts and can start planning to move out of the folks. 6 months and I have cleared all my credit and bank debts.

In a lot of ways I am in a privileged position. I only have to worry about me at this point, no family or kids from previous relationships so I am free to do as I please. I have a sense of I have missed out and haven't got the most from life but I am still clueless to what I am going to do in the future. I don't have many interests outside of music and its certainly not something you can make much of a living from these days. Still something for me to think about and work on. I am lot more patient about things now, before I would want all the answers and everything worked out NOW. Still not bad really when I only having to worry about future endeavors. Something I never would of dreamed of if I was gambling.

Hey Rob....welcome to my world....lol .....

Im in the same boat at 46...if you have any ideas let me know otherwise its gonna be withnail quotes and jammin thru the night.til we collect our pensions.......HEY ....that is not a bad idea at all xx