The Devils Payroll

Rob...you have GOT to YouTube "Yoda and I " .(.Starwars Withnail and I mash up ...).

LMAO xx

Hey rob

Thanks for that advice...think I've B*****ed up me passwords but I did as you said and at least got to read my emails by going through google onto gmail and signing in....doh!

am in a Rich E Grant homage mood...not sure if you ever saw the film the Wah Wah diaries but he wrote it based on his life story as he grew up with drunk dad..

He is teetotal in real life because of it ....

I think his character of Withnail is so powerful and must have been cathartic for him as he plays the best drunk character I've ever seen in a film....he said he tapped into the rage he felt as a kid to play the role but in real life he is a meek and gentle fellow ...

Anyhoooo...onwards ...uncle Monty doing me proud xxxx

Hey Rob..

Thank you for the link...having a butchers right now ..x

Still not out of bed lol...and it's nearly lunch time but I am going to get up soon..

Yep .,the wah wah diaries about his childhood in Zimbabwe..I love him . It's a serious film but one that gives more of an insight as to him as a person.

Chin chin

R and D xxx

Well things are not good with me. Feel like cr**, don't feel like someone who is in recovery and making progress. feel like I haven't made any head way at all. Feel like I am a piece of s**t. God d**n this road is hard. I don't know if I have the strength to be honest to keep going. I just want a bet of some kind to give me some kind of relief and release and to forget about all this. I was watching the racing today and thinking this would be so awesome if I had some kind of bet, something to cheer on. I have had some gamble free time behind me and you would think enough to make me turn my back on it, but no its still there. hanging there and poking me like a dirty dog. I have no blocks in place, I can literally go and gamble online, nothing stopping me. I don't. Im trying really hard to move on but I don't know what I am moving from and moving too. I want the comfort, the comfort of the familiar and the deep breath and sigh of laying a bet and feeling that release. Why am I persisting in this i feel like it makes no sense. My mum carries on and loses everything see has, I f*****g hate her. Why does she get to carry on and do what i want to do, why does she get a free f*****g pass. I want her to hurt so bad but then I dont because its where I am. i hate this life at the moment. i am not strong enough to see myself through but I am trying to make someone else see where they are going wrong but they just throw it back in my face. I want to run away, i dont want this no more. Please Please just stop stop stop stop and dont do this anymore, I am happy for my life to me s**t if you just stop and dont keep hurting yourself like you do. Because its all self harm. all pain I know where it comes from. I love you. Just talk to me but you dont want to talk to me. I love you mum, please stop.

Well its morning and I feel a bit better. No gambling I am pleased to say. Living in the same house as another CG is taking its toll on me. I have tried to talk to my mum but its like talking into a mirror image of my past self." Its not a problem", try and spin your b******t to someone who hasn't produced every lie under the sun. Its getting worse as well and its gambling out in the open with my mum on her laptop on bingo and slot sites until 3-4am, visits to the bingo. Previously I have put blocks on the laptop but she has worked away around them. I was going to install better blocks on the laptop but thought no. I am just waiting for the crash because its coming and hoping it can bring about a change. Where's my dad in all of this? In complete denial. I am just glad this wasn't 10-15 years ago as he would be constantly in the pub and P*****. To be honest I just want out now and leave everyone to sort out there own problems. I have enough of my own.

rob

fella i felt every one of those words, take great heart in the fact that you are addressing your own issues.

I grew up with my father who was, as far as i know still is a compulsive gambler, I never learnt the value, true value of my hard earnt until i started my recovery, I had grown up with the immense highs and lows that this addiction brings.

from recovery I have learnt you have to look after number one.

keep looking after yourself.

as for your mum, fella there is an old saying that with compulsive gambling i believe is so true.

' you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink'

look after number one, you are the most important person.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Rob .,,also feeling for you too after that post ...

I know you are still at home and guess you have done the maths to see if moving is feasible but wondering if going your own way may be a way to keep your recovery without distraction,

I know from people on here who also live with a person who is also gambling is very very hard as it means you have to isolate yourself from the person even more.

I can tell you love your mum but as Duncs says if she is not ready to give it up then sadly there is nothing you can do....

Wondering of you could both go to GA together but I know it's not for everyone and at the end of the day you would have to have the want to go for yourself and not for your mum .

Have a left field idea....as maybe another idea for destressing at home ....have you thought about getting into a bit of home cheffing? ..a lot of my male pals destress in the kitchen after work and love cooking and switching off , turning out some fantastic dishes...plus there is no woman alive that would not break off from what she is doing to see what's going on in her domain? ..thinking it could be a win/win ..

You're a creative guy Rob ..

R and D xxx

I was close to placing a bet yesterday as I felt helpless and angry at having to watch the gambling beast take an even stronger grip on my mum. I had my fork it head on and was all ready to self destruct. I was saved by a phone call from a friend and a quick getaway from the house and changing my surrounding helped. Coming here and unloading later on also helped. I really cant take my recovery for granted and need to really take care of myself these next few days so will be staying close to the forum.

Today I have spent most of the day in my room, went down to watch the cricket with my dad and that's only because my mum had gone out, probably to the bingo. I can barely bring myself to be in the same room as her at the moment. Big changes at work which could potentially mean I am out of a job. Soon as I know this week where I am with work and if my job is safe I will be making plans and moving out. It means my debt gets paid off a lot slower but I am fine with that.

Been in a lot of pain with my arm off and on for the last few days, pain around the elbow and shoots down into my hand and fingers. Not sure what's wrong but its making it hard for me to play guitar, one of the few outlets I have. Fear it might be arthritis as there is a lot of family history with arthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.

Big week and a day coming up, birthday on Wednesday, will know about my work position and also a week tomorrow will be a year gamble free. If the first two things don't go well that last one is still worth celebrating.

Well things have plateaued off a little. No big revelations or issues with my mum but then its close to pay day. If she is anything like me that means ran out of money and maybe even feeling some kind of sting from losing x amount. It will all be forgotten and the cycle will start again once the hard earned rolls into the account to be the easy lost.

Me, I am rolling along as normal, no bets and no intention too. Pretty placid at the moment, to be honest I am like that 95% of the time. sometimes feel I should be screaming from the rooftops but end up being quiet as a church mouse. Feel like I have ostrich syndrome most of the time.

One thing I am clinging onto at the moment is my one year date. I think for the first time in my recovery I am really benefiting from having a set target and date far as counting days down. I cant wait until Monday so I have a year under my belt. Might even shake some sand out of my ears.

Hey Hun

A bit belated as i know it was wednesday but had to pop over to the USA to film this ....got a couple of my pals to put this together for you ......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwKIC4AK-s8&sns=em

Enjoy xxx

Ps

A post birthday chuckle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkiaJxa0UCg&sns=em

Thanks for the bday vid Rach, you have some impressive friends 😉

Went to York yesterday with a few friends as a birthday celebration. The friend I mentioned a few post back was also in attendance so was good seeing him for first time in over a year. Good time was had but I drank way too much. When I drink too much I go into my bubble and become a zombie, cant remember anything after a certain time.

Woke up this morning with a broken phone and the hangover from hell. I feel like not only has the pig s**t in my head but the whole f*****g zoo. Its nearly 2pm and I am just about capable of some normal body functions and communicating in words. Also starting to get those creeper memories sneak up on me. You know the ones, oh s**t, I didn't do that, did I? Oh god I did and its now coming back to me full technicolour horror. I hope nothing was filmed. Will not be moving from my bed until the evening, even if my body was capable of normal movement without me puking the shame alone will keep me here.

*edit* Oh god, a memory has just popped its head around the corner winking at me. Cant give full details but the words, girl, camera, pubes need to be ice-cream scooped out of my head NOW.

Pubes eh ? ...this "girl" must be at least 40 so no worries there on anything under age related ; > )

"A pig just s**t in my head "....impressed dear Rob that you still can quote Withnail lines whilst feeling like death warmed up...

Fry up later? ..no better cure for the night before.

lol xx

York eh ...know it well ...bet you did all the "gates"

Hey Rob,

good chatting the other night, sounds like you had a great night on Saturday, a bit too good if anything.

Keep up the great work and have a super week.

Phil

One year gamble free as of today.

Don't really have much energy at the moment but just wanted to thank you for being there.

There is no way on earth I would of made a year gamble free without the help of this site. Without the help of the wonderful people who come here as well and share there journey, offer a wise word, make me laugh, give me encouragement. To know I can read your posts and diaries and not feel so alone, and maybe you can read mine and without saying a word know you understand because you have felt the same pain. Thank you one and all.