The Devils Payroll

Hey Rob

A year g free is a great achievement and I hope you are proud of that ...

I think being part of a community is a healing thing which lets face it is missing in society ...our little cyber comm works in mysterious way and there is no way you are alone....

open all hours 24/7 ...as they say and the door swings both ways ..

R and D xx

Thank you Rob for your kind words....and it's a pleasure my cyber friend...

From seeing some of your posts on others threads i see you are on chat a bit more which is great ...I'm not even sure how it works plus I think I talk myself out on here enough for one voice..lol

Always chuffed to see your name pop up ...you know how I worry ..lol

R and D xxx

Had a bit of a spat yesterday, don't know if it was a hangover from the one year mark. Lot of feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness. Was like a bear with a sore head at work and ripped off a few limbs and heads of my work colleagues. I go through these periods where I just want the whole world to collapse around me and try my best to sabotage myself. I am getting better at recognising them and just trying to work through them, or at best realise they are not permanent feelings and they can change. Don't understand yet where they come from.

Anyway today has been better. Lightened the mood at work by doing a video conference. I have a toy rubber duck that sits on my monitor so I decided I was out to lunch and Derek the duck was going to be my spokesperson for the video meeting. At times everyone can recognise that "Quack Quack" is the most constructive and productive response to the b******t we face and put up with at work.

Lol ...your duck is a great idea .....I may have to try getting a recording on my next conference call...lol ...

I guess I can sort of identify with the collapse thing but only in a macro way as I literally want the whole thing to collapse, the world i mean..and start again.

I think the energy involved in maintaining a system that someone else has decided ,that we have very little part in and control over is pretty much the reason for me anyway ....blow the f****r up and move to Mars I say ...lol

Meanwhile back on planet earth ....those feelings are temporary as you say Rob and I guess we just have to observe them as they float by ...

Xxx

Hello good people

Well still gamble free and for the most part its pretty much the same with me. Home life hasn't changed much, mum still gambling although doing her best to hide her activity now. I see her out of the corner of my eye when she is on her laptop. I want to throw the thing into the bin, cut the telephone line and pull the plug on the electric.

I just want to leave now and the initial news I got yesterday regards my job was positive and thought I can start putting things into action. Not so today. Found out the company I work for is planning on taking a new contract in the building I am based at, which is rumoured to be a major bookmaker. First gut response was no thanks, I would rather walk out than put myself in that situation. Although I wouldn't have access to the systems and would only be fixing PC's being that close to a betting establishment even in a call centre environment is not something I am comfortable with. Could I work and support a major bookmaker in so much as it not harm my recovery, also the moral and personal feelings of helping and supporting a company that has had such a massive negative impact on my life and my families. The devils payroll. CV updated and on standby if this all turns out to be true.

Apart from that trying to do more and get myself out of the house more. I will be joining an amateur drama group at the end of the month in time for there next production. Its really something I would not normally do, I am a naturally shy person and reserved so getting on stage fills me with anixety but feel I need to push myself a bit more. Also I have recently seen an archery club, must of driven past it hundreds of times and never noticed it until recently. They have an "have-a-goes" day on Saturday which I will be attending. I have other ideas but going to keep them on the back burner until I have followed through on these. So which one of you foolish, ahem, I mean brave souls wants to play william tell?

Feeling awful today and just want to watch the world burn. Didn't go to the archery yesterday because I was too lazy and apathetic. Days like these make feel like a dry drunk and like I have made no progress at all. At times I am horrible to be around, snap easily and just being an a******e on purpose. I like goading reactions out of people, especially at work. It doesn't help, doesn't make me feel any better. Starting to realise its the same behavioural patterns that I had when gambling and more specifically when I had a big loss. That S***e needs to change.

I have got my f**k it head on. Danger danger danger. First time in a long time I feel like self destructing with gambling. Normally it would manifest in some other form but I want to gamble. I tried logging onto an online site but I forget the password and the stupid reset feature needs the username and I forgot that as well so ive stopped myself now and on here typing instead of gambling. How the hell did I get to that stage so easily. I cant believe myself, I was so c**k sure I wouldn't fall down like that but just a matter of remembering a few extra digits and I would of. Total head f**k at the moment. bang down to earth, pretensions exposed and hanging out to dry. Lots of new users and part of me thinks what bloody idiots, losers. no different, I am not different. one bet away from disaster from one day to one year.

Hi robf,

I know the feeling. And, have unfortunately given in from time to time only to wake up the next morning feeling like pure insane sh it. Hold on man cause you know from experience that urges do pass. Gambling does not solve anything for us it only makes our troubles worse. Hang in there friend. We are all in the same boat as you. Hold on. - joanxxx

Hey Rob

I wrote you a letter last night but for different reasons It got deleted as I have had problems with my log in on here ...

You did the right thing typing on here and your post just illustrates how fast those urges and thoughts can come in...

Hope you feel a bit more yourself today ...think it must be really hard to keep abstaining when you are living close range with someone who is not...but it shows you are strong and can keep in control of "it"not the other way around

R and D xx

Still alive and gamble free. Urges have come and gone since last post. Life is just shitetastic at the moment. That's about all I can say or want to say.

Bye

Respect x

not posted for awhile but have been reading. xx

not much to report. Nothing much happens at the moment and that has its down and up side. Small change in my mum's gambling, seems to have lessened or at least visibility of it. Parents had holiday a couple of weeks ago which gave me a much needed two weeks of solitude. bless.

Far as me. I have had a small scare. was close to gambling. deposited some money into an account, wasn't able to make the bet and saw sense. withdrew and found calmer ground and closed the account down. learnt that it only takes a few minutes or moments to lose it. All online, used to think the online blocks available were useless as I could find away around them but have put one in place. I can break it but it takes a good hour or so to do that even with my knowledge.All I need is a small window to break out of the f**k it head. Even after 15 months if I let my guard slip and the conditions are right the worst can happen.

Been missing gambling quit a bit actually. or at least the high it could give me at times. I read or hear about people trying to replace that feeling but to be honest I haven't found one. I have just come to the point of letting it go and learning to live without it. life most of the time is less but its a trade off I am willing to accept against the damage I can cause myself and others. Sounds depressing but its not the lack of gambling high or whatever that's the problem its the slow realisation that my life isn't going to amount to much with or without gambling.

For now, its about grabbing those few moments of pleasure. Grab you have to, as for me they don't last long. A few brief moments, a fresh soft gooey cookie, an orgasm, a guitar chord hit just right. I will take these brief moments and highs and live the rest of my life on the level. I've tried living life on a constant high and it brought me nothing but pain.

Same reasons I have also quit romantic love Rob and may turn my hand to being a slutbag

Good to see you on the forum x

Hi Rob,

I was good 2 catch up with u on chat the other nite 🙂

U r doing gr8 and u should be soooo proud of urself 🙂

Stay strong and keep going xx

I look around my room and all I see is white. The walls are white, the ceiling, the door and even the floor has a tint of white in the carpet. It feels like I have been here forever even when I have been out of the room. I haven't lived a life. Not even got any gambling stories to tell that might spike a vein. Is it my mind or is it my hell? xx age and nothing to show. A lot of the time I will settle for nothing but now and again we all need a bit of excitement. Thing is I know I am not going to get it even on the odd chance I might say I need it. I am not that way inclined. So I stay in my room and I focus my eyes on the walls and let them go cross eyed. Let the white blur together until all I see are the little black floating things in my eyes against the sharpness of the white in the room. I put my headphones in my ears and listen. Open the wine and drink. I fall asleep with a drink on my bedside table and wake up with half of it still there. This is my life at the moment. Its hard to say if its better than placing a ton bet on a Saturday at times but I choose not to do that. Not sure what else I am going to do. Lost.