The Devils Payroll

Thank you Rob..always for being you xxx

"You can't wipe age old blood away without leaving a stain"

Those words are very powerful and ones I totally relate to. The feelings you have and spoke of in your last post to me are true and I think sometimes thank god we have the means of expression to get this stuff out even though it may be disturbing to some,

Im guessing Mr Tarantino would be banged up in the clink of he acted out his darker thoughts as would most of the creative world..but fortunately in life the ones who express it rarely act on it.

I used to wish my Mother dead all the time, and my ex. ...and I always go in the belief that if someone appears perfect , they have more to hide. I also can see what your saying about the domino effect. Much of my anger comes from people seeing what's going in and turning a blind eye..anything for a quiet life and then people like me end up acting out all the emotions that are suppressed because I usually am the one to let the genie out of the bottle and tell the truth.

In work the same happened...the argument should have been between my manager and my co worker ..not me and the manager. I can't do denial at all.

A really good book that's an easy read as in not many pages ..is called "People of the Lie..by M.Scott Peck. It was the only book i have read that puts this whole invisible thing into perspective. Thankfully we have a colourful language to express all this as otherwise I think we would implode or be another statistic with a toe tag,

It's not being a victim Rob..it's naming what's going on.Without naming it we have no hope in working it out and processing it, it just gets frozen and comes out in passive aggressive ways all perfect on the outside and rotten in the middle...you can virtually smell the plastic!

Recovery from the stuff you have going on is not "just add water and quick fix" so people who really care about you will recognise this.

I'm still processing the alcohol stuff 30 years on ,my main issue being the feeling of no protection and learning to let go of old ways of protecting myself like a wild animal to realising that I can do it with less force. My physical life once was in danger every day and that is a hard habit to break...I used to react to criticism as if my life were under threat at one time.

Genetic age has no bearing in recovery and for some of us we have deeper to go and more layers of the onion to work through...

Hope that makes sense :-))

Your creativity is your salvation ...and i hope you update with news of a move xx

R and D

Time to come out of the shadows. Its been two years since I posted on this diary and sadly nothing has changed. I did return here a few months ago under the name deja vu, that diary is here:

www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/deja-vu

I am still at home, still gambling and still living with a gambling mother. I am a worn out, lonely and sad middle aged man. I am not too sure what I am doing anymore but this felt like the right thing to do and a step in the right direction.

Rob

Welcome back from within the shadows Rob.

I remember you well, a gift of making your thoughts real.

Guess some of us are slow learners with regards to recovery. Share, spew and seek change.

I wish you well.

Paul

The lights this way Rob, time to step out of that shadow.

There's no coincidence in life as I was drawn to both of your diary life's. A fellow 'think to much' chap. Lonliness is a killer, going against our natural grain as humans..

Smell you later

I have a hard time opening up. Just letting the words flow and what ever feelings I have come out. Everything always seems so calculated. I even have a hard time trying to express my lack of expression. If you could have a webcam on me going onto this site and seeing me type you would see me wear out the backspace key. I always feel like every post has to be some landmark moment, some flash of brillance I come up with that sums up all my years of gambling and all my faults. How I will fix them and wave some magic wand to set me on the right path. Its hard to get out how I feel right now because alot of the time I just dont know.Even if I do know the fear of expressing it overrides everything.

Hello Rob,
Read that post on the Sunday you wrote it and got it completely what you was saying but could never express it in away like your self. A big reason why I'm drawn to your postings.

I understand the thin line between tapping to the screen, downloading either the good, bad or ugly thoughts. Or the posting to the audience, wearing out the back button, with a fear of either not being understood or pi.ssing people off. A lifetime paralysis!

I kinda miss Dotty on these diarys, a emotional honest rollercoaster of a diary. But one thing I do know is her honesty and how she latched on to you was recognising the person behind the thoughtful creative posts.

You need to take your own time before you comfortably step out of the shadows. And when you do, I'll watch out and say Hello Rob

Thanks Paul, I miss Rachel/dotty too.

Well I walked through the doors of GA again last tuesday. I would like to say it helped and for awhile I lied to myself that it did but nothing helps when you arent willing to expect it. I got alot of support and good advice. One, keep attending meetings, two, tell a trusted family member in this case my father. I wont be doing either. I feel a couple of the older heads got this straight away and called me out on it, not in a nasty way but tried to highlight and reinterate step 1. So I am still in the same place I was from the first post on this diary 4 years ago and at the moment no signs of changing it. No wonder my life feels worthless and no wonder I spend all my time sitting in my room. Keeping everything out and keeping everything in. I drink exessively at the moment and drink alone. I have cut off alot of communcation with any friends I have. The only thing I get any kind of joy out of is my work which is about the only saving grace of my life at the moment. I dread weekends and would prefer just to work all the time. Sometimes I go into work at the weekend at my own expense even though I dont get paid for it. Even then I feel like I don't perform like I could and I am constantly seeking approval. I managed to write that without pressing the backspace/delete key every sentence.

Hello Rob,

Would never blow smoke up any body's ar.se, but good on you for stepping over the GA threshold.

But unfortunately I get you on the advice you were given and your stance on not taking either. But one thing I don't agree on is that your in the same place that you were in 4 years ago, the walls are maybe the same but there different. You'll probably say what a load of BS, which is ok but only my slant on things.

A process needs to go the pace of the processor and i will be coming straight back at you soon.

Rob,

My post above was a back space post, i think you probably might of noticed..

But as always with out you probably realising, your posts make me think. I think we tread similar unfullfilled lifes and me just like you just doesnt get it as we watch the world evolves around us.

I read a great line on this forum the other day ' How can you not be ready for recovery when existing hurts so much? '. So true hai, but could you honestly answer that, i cant?. I wonder also why, that despite the voive we know is true, why do we go against it. As per your stance and also mine in not giving GA a go? Are we just resighning ourselves to a life time of bravado led misery?

'Keeping everything out and keeping everything in ' A superb line. And that really is the line im committed to flip, s***t, sometimes i think this is just too hard and want to throw in the towel, but then some days i can flip and connect and talk to the world. I have needless fights with the cliches(sp) of recovery and then itry to look into the language to what it actually means? A fellow confused head, but one thing i'm trying to do is ' for today atleast ive tried my best ' that may be as simple as sitting on my ar.se, but we can only try.

Slowly but surely Rob, keep stepping out of the shadow and i will also...

Reading those last posts reminded me of something I learnt in therapy when I asked the question why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again and why can't I move on? I didn't like the answer at first, and I fought hard against it, but I slowly realised it was true. It might not be relevant to you two, but I thought I'd share it...

"The pain you know is familiar and, by causing it yourself, you at least feel in control. You know how things will turn out since, without realising it, you have engineered it that way"

LifeBegins x

I was close to not going to GA tonight. I was still at work at 6.30pm and decided last minute I would go. I knew it would be an open meeting and I used this as an excuse to not go. I think tonight was the first time of all the meeting I attended were I thought, my god did I need that. I don't think I was quite prepared for what happened and I spent alot of the meeting with tears in my eyes. I got two things, hope and a bit of courage. Hope that I can maybe find a way out of this mess and a bit of courage to be honest and open up.

I went home and told my parents that I am gambling again, that I had just returned from a GA meeting. I got a stunned silence followed by a few questions but really it was a room of bitten lips. I would preferred it if they screamed. I know they care and worry but they just cant express it.

We have never been a family of talkers.Ever since my dad's drinking days and him drinking too much, to my gambling and now also my mums gambling. We have always been a family of denial. I feel like they carry alot of pain and there are good reasons for some of this but I can't fix them.

I can only work on my shortcomings. I can work on being more open and telling them how bad things really got with my gambling, how it broke me and how I am ready to move on. Slowly creeping towards the light.

​love that post Rob. Thanks. Connection with others has been the most important thing in my recovery

​

1st Class Rob, i genuinely stand up and aplaud you....

https://youtu.be/pKKmzmeU5-0

We can only run for so long...and eventually the past remains where it should..

Rob,

My fellow ' can't see the wood from the trees' friend. Yet i really believe that sooner or later i'll be reducing that to ' Hello friend '. We just need to keep pushing and realising that we can only as you say work on our own shortcomings.

I, like your self live with Denial in my vicinity, either with my flatmate or in the environment i live in mainly of the forgotten/ lost people of London. Now, thinking about LB's post im also in the fortunate of having my own space in a Kent town. A healthy escape for me but lonely. Yet, i live in the pain i'm familiar with. When put in black and white, its a complete no brainer but to move and find new things/ people to connect too. Means courage..

But like as you said so well regarding finding courage and hope in the form of GA. This my friend has to be the foundation we've craved to grow as people and not to keep us in the environment we find ourselves in. I hope you get where i'm coming from. Keep connecting, keep progressing, keep processing the right S***e, keep going over the right thresholds, keep believing in what you've got to offer....

Therapy for me this eve, but slowly going to return over the threshold of people who have worn similar shoes and spoken similar languages in the form of GA.

A genuine Strength and Honor to you....

Rob,

Thanks pal, I do like your language and its superb we're speaking the same.

I think. Correction, I know that for me doing a d*k whittington was just another escape I did many moons ago. It took me nearly 30 odd years to realise what a mistake that was but now to look back would be futile, so I made my bed and now working towards a new bed. But, right now I'm not sure where☺

I think for both of us, it goes to the GA ' progress not perfection '. I've often, for some absurd reason always wanted my own wording for GA clichГ©s. But if it's not broken.....

Have a good day Rob...