The Devils Payroll

Thank you Dan and Paul.

Been struggling this weekend not with gambling but with anixety. Yesterday morning I had a full on panic attack, I was close to ringing for an ambulance in the grip of fear thinking I was about to die from a heart attack. The mind is a powerful thing and can trick the body and likewise the body can trick the mind. Alot of my current anxiety is based around my health, I am obese so some of the fears are grounded in that I live a very unhealthy lifestyle. Little exercise, excessive alchohol and fatty foods. I am going to have to make some lifestyle changes.

I have also since given some thought to the post Louis gave around social anxiety. I think this was a factor in my early days of gambling as my gamble of choice was the fruit machines in pubs. I would rather spend time on the machine than sitting and engaging with people. I have gotten better in social situations and now spend time with my friends in the pub without running to the comfort of the machines. However there is still a presence of wanting to people please, a fear of being myself.

Strange how all of a sudden I start seeing all these faults and all these things that I need to change. Its easy to get overwhelmed. Where do I start? I feel like for now I work on small steps and goals. My next GA meeting, a talk with a good friend about the recent week. A 15 minute walk everyday. Still crawling but still moving forward.

Hi Rob

I was a bit in two minds whether to post as I didn't want to seem preachy. But hey ho, here goes - I can strongly recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as an excellent framework for dealing with anxiety. Steven Hayes is the main person behind it and also suffered from severe panic attacks. (He's about to release a Ted Talk on ACT and his panic attacks in particular).

I haven't seen ACT mentioned on these boards but it seems well suited to gambling and anxiety issues, amongs others. It's fundamentally different from CBT as it's about acceptance of difficult feelings - a lot of the suffering people have is caused by the struggle with the difficult emotions.

It's based on acceptance and working round values - entirely secular (so I don't feel too preachy ; ))

I'd looked into quite a few different types of therapy before settling for this and have been following it for 8 months and personally feel I've benefitted immensely. I have a copy of one of the leading books I am very happy to send to you if you like (it's unmarked - the intro is available here http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/The_Happiness_Trap_-_Introduction_and_Chapter_one.pdf ). No worries if you're weary of my approach - I might well be if the tables are turned. Hope you don't mind me offering anyway.

Best

Louis

Your last post im still pondering Rob and will come back on this.

But one thing I complety agree is that the mind is a powerful thing as and can trick the body and vice versa. So, I guess it's learning the language and understanding the axis between body and mind.

It's a good post from Louis above. I would imagine like me that you've tried out a few labels in the past? The social anxiety label was the 1st time I felt completely comfortable with. Still very early days but so far it's led me to 'experiential avoidance' and then the inner/ outer cycle of anxiety. This I think is akin to the fish bowl and observer, the fish can't really do anything about the observer so may as well just stress about its bowl.

This is going to be a hard journey Rob and we need to accept that. So tools like GA to keep you grounded and find another who wore the exact same shoe, ad well as everyday, trying something different, even a random Hello to a shop keeper.

Keep pushing Rob, keep crawling forward...

A lesson I also learned the hard way. You've got everything you need on your doorstep, just blind to see it.

Doing one small thing every day is an excellent way forward. If I can just add...make sure you acknowledge it to yourself when you've done it. I don't know whether you do this but it's easy to dismiss these so called "small things". The voice in our heads that says "yeah, but it doesn't really count. That's something that everyone does, blah, blah". Think back on them at the end of the day (maybe even keep a note of them) and really learn to acknoledge every step you take and every task you set yourself. With this comes pride and confidence.

LB x

Good stuff Rob I'll await contact from Admin
Louis

Bit of a mixed week.

Went to GA again on Tuesday and struggled with trying to get across to the room my thoughts and feelings. In fact only managed about 2 sentences before breaking down. Felt embarressed although no one seemed to bat an eyelid. Still finding step 1 hard and still clinging onto the notion I am in control and somehow different or better than anyone else.

My anxiety has got better as the week has gone on. I have cut out alcohol as its a real trigger so makes sense to stop for awhile. Not been doing the walking I had planned but will make a big effort to start tomorrow.

Will be seeing some friends at the weekend and will look to ask for there help. Thinking of asking them to help me with going to the local bookies and self-excluding. A part of me says I dont need to self exclude as I don't have urges very often, in fact I was thinking today that I dont really have any urges. Dont know if thats just pure arrogance and keeping the door open on my part. I can be quite cynical of myself at times thinking all this new found desire to get help. Its just a smokescreen to fool myself into thinking I am alright jack. A few weeks of GA and a bit of souls searching and I can go right back at it. A bottle of whiskey in one hand, a half pounder in the other and a soon to be depleted wallet of twenties.

Hai Rob,

Touching base before I put my diary to sleep for the weekend.

Maybe repeating myself, but a earlier post of yours regarding living in the presence of denial ie your folks, really explained alot to me, so Thankyou.

A mixed week is pretty good Rob. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to see my cycle, I have a therapist on a Thursday and by the following Mon/ Tue I feel my self falling. So if your going through similar, it would be probably a Saturday when you start slipping.

A bottle of whisky, a half pounder and a empty wallet. Time to change that to a guitar and a wallet where it doesn't matter, whether there's any cash in it.

Keep pushing Rob, them 2 sentences the start, push it slowly with the aid of GA. All them people, who know your language.

Friends, keep talking and I think it will be a good 2 finger salute to the bookies to exclude. A rendition of ' f**k em ' coming up so as I do the vocals you can do the strumming.

Honor

https://youtu.be/nwCrb2X4LLs

We're so pretty

Oh so pretty

Vacant anddd ....................................... we dont care.

With Rob on the guitar and volcano on the drums.....

I know the black ( eyed ) dog well Rob, so truthfully couldnt listen to it right now.

Even if its only slowly Rob, keep pushing through the storm and soon you'll be strumming https://youtu.be/eZLbPfjGrFQ. The calm after the storm

Respect Rob, take care

We know Saturday afternoon is a prime time for gamblers but I spent it self excluding. A good friend helped me out and drove me around the local villages. You dont need anything apart from a handful of photos and a fresh haircut (one needs to look there best) and a trusted friend/family member for some support. I have never seen much of the process of self-excluding so I will detail it a little.

Like I said, get some photos. Ask at the counter for a self-exclusions form. The forms are free so no excuses for taking money. All the forms I filled out were one page affairs and the whole thing only takes 10 minutes. The only information I had to give was my name/address/DOB. Most major bookmakers allow you to self exclude from the shop you are in and also other shops. The number of extra shops varied from 3 to 6. This helps and you can hit a few shops with one hit. A bit of planning can allow you to self exclude from a dozen shops with a couple of visits.

Most of the shops I went into also had the option of self-excluding online if you take in your account information.

The majority of the forms self exclude you for one year. Only one I went into was 6 months. After that 12 month period the renewal varied from calling a phone number to resubmitting the form. You get to keep a carbon copy of the form you completed so you know the dates and process of renewing your self exclusions. Keep them safe.

I was nervous and apprehensive before hand. What would the staff say, punters in the shop. Would I see anyone I know? I didnt have one problem or issue with staff. In fact the opposite and staff from two different shops shook my hand and wished me well.The punters in the shop? Too busy in there own little worlds and watching the screens to even care I was there, nevermind filling out a form. If I saw anyone I know? Well anyone close to me that I care for and who cares for me would flash me a smile and cheer me on. Anyone else doesnt matter.

Self exclusion is not a solution in of itself but another tool in your armoury. It can also be a personal statement to yourself and loved ones you are serious and willing to put in the effort and work that recovery needs.

All the best

Rob

Well done Rob I'm sure the haircut made your mugshot Look a lot more attractive.

I'm glad your mate came through because as you say SE is not a fix but it show acceptance and commitment to family and to you. Sure you can probably go 10 mins down the road but my thinking is that while on my way there hopefully I will ask myself why I have to go out of my way. It doesn't cost anything other than a few photos I found it quite uplifting when I did mine.

KTF and keep closing them doors

Sound's like a good day's work Rob and one that will pay off for many years to come ! .

Well done fella !

Best wishes for your recovery !

Another giant step out of the shadows Rob, guitar in one hand with the other showing 2 fingered salute to the insidious bookies.

You've got a good friend there, the suns starting to shine and Rob is starting to grow.. Good on you!!

Not posted for awhile but all is OK. Not great, not bad. just OK. OK will do for now.

I have no great insights into my recovery or progress. No words of wisdom to give myself or anyone else. Not looking to change the world, just looking not to gamble today. Looking forward too and needing my meeting on Tuesday.

I was hoping all would be OK Rob thought about you early then got side tracked so made up to see a update from you.

KTF