The Devils Payroll

Hi Rob,

Just popped over to say what an inspiring and uplifting post and I am pleased that things are moving in the right direction for you.

Best wishes

Work is very stressful at the moment. Still have problems with the upgrade system thats due live in 13 days. Had to attend a retail store as all my testing in the office is working fine but out in the field its a different story. Must of spent a good 6 hours and it was 7pm before I left. Could of stayed longer but realised I just had to clear my head and leave it for another day. I have a tendency of not letting a problem go, I will keep trying over and over to try and solve and fix it. Sometimes you need to leave it alone and give it some room.

Was going to go straight home but instead stopped at a local pub I have started going too. Its not somewhere my group of friends goto so I have had to slowly start chatting and getting to know some of the locals. All good for me and improving my social skills.

The pub has an open mic session every last Thursday of the month. Thought I would just stop for the one and head home. The hosts of the night were playing a couple of songs and I got it into my head that I should go up and play. I hadnt planned or practiced any songs so played the last song I learnt.

It was a disaster far as performance. I stuttered, stopped and started. I just about managed to hold it together enough for people to make out some kind of song. Regardless I am really happy I pushed myself and got up and attempted it. Its something I wouldnt of even dream of doing 5 months ago.

Although I had some nerves and was anxious before going up my anxiety levels were nothing like they have been in the past. I now know I am capable of doing more than I think. Everytime I do push myself out of my comfort zone I end up getting rewarded. I have let fear rule my life for too long. I can now aim for next month and to put some practice in and go back better prepared.I am actually excited and looking forward to it already.

"I now know I am capable of doing more than I think. Everytime I do push myself out of my comfort zone I end up getting rewarded."

Priceless lines!!! Put the hugest smile on this face ☺
So so happy for you and don't you worry, everything comes with practice rite...i used to sing & cats would scatter away...now, i sing and they are near enough joining me 🙂 (hmmm..orchestra for sure)

Good on you Robf, keep claiming your confidence and life back - you can and will do it!..

Really chuffed for you - go man! No looking back

S

Hey Rob

Well done doing the open mic night.

I did another a month ago and was pretty bad. Didn't fluff my notes/lines just very meek!

Committed to doing it again this Wednesday. My guitar playing is adequate (no more), but I do have to go for it a lot more on vocals rather than focus on not making a mistake. I mean you can get away with being really untalented if you've got a bit of swagger

Trying to have a more open mind to failure as it's true that we can learn so much from it, if we look to learn, rather than angrily repress our emotions

Keep up the good work mate

Louis

Yo rob done my last night tonight for foreseeable. See my diary.

f****n hard to translate the shower to the stage 😉

How's tricks with you Rob? I could sense some frustration in chat the other night, not sure if it was the topic which I can understand or if it was something else.

KTF

How you doing Rob?

Hello World

Thanks for the drop by Martin, I am not doing well.

I haven't had a bet but really struggling at the moment in life. I had a thought a couple of weeks ago about how my life has got worse since I started going to GA. When I think about this a bit more its not that my life has got worse I am just more aware of how bad my life is.

I am in a position this time around where I have no finanical debt. As I haven't had any significant bet in the last six months (I had a £1 quiz bet where I changed my date back in Easter) my money and finanical situation is OK. I have enough money where I can have a 2 week holiday and not worry about anything. So money isn't an issue but then the common line in GA is this is not a finanical issue but an emotional one. I feel every word of that I understand why that line of thinking is taken.

Currently starting to attend another meeting in sync with the one I normally go too. Just recently in both meeting's there has been some talk and focus on the 12 steps. Alot of talk about the first step. People seem to focus on the "admit we were powerless over gambling" and seem to forget about the "that are lifes have become unmanagable". I can indentify alot more with the second part of that step than the first one. In alot of ways I still want to go back and fill my boots.

Saying that I know my life is completely unmanagable at the moment. I struggle with basic human emotions and day to day tasks that most people just don't even think about. I got a new passport form over 3 months ago but have been unable to complete it. I have had a 40th Birthday to arrange but unable to speak with the venue of what I want, unable to invite friends and family and having nothing but dread and anxiety about a situation that should be joyful. I need an eye test and new glasses but cant book an appointment. I havent been to the dentist in over 6 years. I am filled with fear and dread.

I struggle with alot of day to day things that I shouldnt even worry about. These are examples of seemingly small things. If I branch out I am competely terrified of having any kind of intimate relationship with a female. I have no idea of what I am or what I want to do. I feel completely lost.

I try and counter this and balance it out. Oh I am just making out everything is bad and I am making mountains out of molehills. That I can use this all as an excuse not to be proactive and make some changes in my life. I think thats certinaly the case to an extent but I really feel something is fundamentally wrong with my thinking and the way I am living my life (if I can even call it living).

I feel ashamed, weak and worthless for being like this. Why cant I be strong and just get on with life. Pull my boots up. Why cant I fill out a simple application form and take basic care of myself. w*f is wrong with me???

I mean thats not even the half of it. I cant face and deal with my own family and my mum's gambling problems. I cant deal with anything to do with a close family friend and how he is dying of brain cancer. I hate making my addiction an excuse for being a coward but thats what I am. I am a coward.

Rob

Rob I am from the other side of the forum. You are not a coward. I have no idea how you feel but I imagine that gambling worked well for you as it allowed you to not think and feel all those things. When you stopped gambling you were left to face them and not bolt for the nearest exit. If you gambled for a long time I would imagine it will take a bit of time to acclimatize to not having the distraction of gambling. If it's any consulation to you tons of non gamblers have trouble with a lot of the things you describe... me included. Be kind to yourself. 🙂

Hello Rob,

Have been thinking about you and meaning to post for a while, but any words i knew i had would of been hollow and meanenless. And full of the bravdo they always do as i kower to the thought of the actions your doing.

You write with honestly, you always have, and believe me my friend there's no cowardice in you whats so ever, if anything your taming the beast with huge gusto. Your doing the work, your taking recovery serious and not falling on the sword of ' i'm an addict this is my life '. I guess all the surpressed emotions come to the fore when you break through the ego and start connecting with the spiritual side of healing/ recovery. I say guessing,as its fear and denial i seem to use to deprive my self of by taking a similar route.

Agreed with amom and whether this is the first rule, be kind to yourself. You pushed yourself many months ago in entering GA, now your doing another in sync. Thats called courage and breaking from the comfort zone that addiction has helped to hold you back in the basicness of living.

Keep pushing Rob, Keep practicing HALT ( Hungry, Angry,Lonely, Tired ). Get yourself tothe dentist, push yourself over that comfort zone, make a time for your app, fill it out, it will be empowering. Build a defense from others addictions, keep at arms length. Selfish in recovery, a hard concept, but a valuable tool also........... i guess.

We've all got a partner out there some where, but, for now keep getting into sync with yourself. Your walking the walk Rob, and for that i applaud you as well as being inspired by you.

Keep pushing the boudarys of the ingrained comfort zones, your worth it...

I'm pulling away from gamcare Rob, but would be a pleasure to exchange emails with this cyber friend. Take care

Hi Rob, thanks for getting back in touch o could sense all was not right when we last spoke on chat.

Well you ain't had a bet other than the quiz which I remember I imagine it is hard to reset the day counter for what was only a bit of fun but I understand why you did and agree with your decision. At the end of the day we are all only one day away from disaster so 1 day week month or year doesn't matter.

I so get the money thing when I was gambling I used to think it was about the money but it wasn't. When we stop the world becomes clearer the gambling fog that surrounded us lifts the bubble pops and we see what we are. I didn't like what I saw and neither do you.

We stop the gambling and that should resolve everything life would go back to when we was carefree teenagers if only it was that simple.

I've not done a lot actively on the steps something I'm gearing upto in the next 6 months from what I understand it's not easy a lot of soul searching and digging deep I think you need a good sponsor to really appreciate and get the best out of them. Hopefully someone like Dan will pop in with some more experienced words on this

Are you making mountains out of molehills? maybe it sound like you are struggling with normal day to day living. It's easy for me to say stop beating yourself up things are going great

I recall the self exclusion tale of the passport photos go and get a haircut you need to look your best for your passport you will have it for 10 years

Your obviously still lurking around the forum get back involved allow people to help you like you helped me

KTF I will in you

Sorry to hear you're struggling Rob, although perversly your post suggests you're making good progress.

As you know gambling is all about the escapism. Therefore it's hard to over-estimate what a big difference removing this escapism has on your life. Yes, there is pain from what is stripped bare when the terrible, deadening force of gambling is taken away. Obviously nothing new is created by stopping, but we can see more clearly the destruction and sense of loss. For me this also included an at times frightening realisation of how low my social confidence was.

I do see what you're going through as positive, because it is through a healthier sense of self that you are seeing this. Some part of you is now giving you a tangible reference point which is leading you to a better way. You need this before you can move forwards IMO.

Obviously it won't help to 'wallow' in this state though. IMHO, take small steps in the direction of the shortcomings you've addressed, on a daily basis. Keep small, tiny maybe, so not overwhelmed - it's not even all about the final result. Get moving and things seem less daunting, perspectives soften, life becomes more workable, opportunities arise and you open yourself up to a richer life.

Oh yeah and self-compassion really is good. I used to think that was Californication b****x, but don't any more. Been practicising a useful exercise - take a current struggle. Imagine yourself as a young child - maybe through an old photo. Imagine placing your current struggle onto that child - and how you would try to comfort that child. My harsh judgemental side still feels silly writing this - but it gave me a helpful insight into turning compassion inwards.

Loui

Hi Rob

Step 1 is a fact finding & fact facing mission. Anybody who told you this was going to be easy was lying. Step 1 never ends. But looking honestly at how sick we have become can give us the push to move forward.

If we want to recover, we must understand personal powerlessness. What helps us the most is taking an honest look how gambling has affected us. Instead of living as free & natural people, we were reduced to fighting for survival. Thats unmanageability.

Unmanageability is tied to powerlessness. Many types of social pressures & stress prevent us from directing our own lives. That leads to two areas of unmanageability. Social & Personal.

Here is an exercise i give my sponsees on unmanageability. Hopefully it can help you to understand, accept & process.

1/ What does unmanageability mean to you.

2/ List 3 incidents that took place while you were gambling - incidents that led you to feel shame

3/ Give examples of your behaviours when you tried to quit on your own without a programme.

4/ Give 3 examples of how gambling has interfered with your personal goals

5/ Give 3 examples of feelings you tried to alter or numb by gambling

6/ Give 3 examples of healthier ways you could try of have already learned to deal with your feelings

7/ Chances are some crisis brought you to seek recovery. What crisis besides the last one will eventually happen if you keep gambling..

8/ What changes in your life do you hope to make through not gambling

9/ Write 6 personal promises you hope to keep in recovery

As usual a brilliant post, re-POINT 7, WE ALL NEED TO RAM THAT POINT INTO OUR BRAINS !!!!

Thank you all for the support and advice.

Couple of things jump out, one is that this is just life and have to remind myself as amom said that everyone has to deal with it. The other thing is that this is not going to be a quick fix and I so badly want a quick fix. Having to come to terms and accept this is not an easy or quick process but to have patience. Did my life become unmanagable because I gambled or did I gamble because my life was unmanagable. Chicken and egg, does it matter?

I certainly feel a bit better for posting and from reading all your comments. I am heading out to my meeting shortly but will get back to you all individually.