The Devils Payroll

Hi Diary

I have one more day at work before I have a 2 week break. Much needed as currently I have hit a wall at work and not performing like I can. Feel a bit guilty as a fellow work colleague is struggling with projects that I should be helping out with on a technical basis. At the moment I am counting the hours and minutes for Friday 4pm. He is under alot more stress and pressure than me and feel like I am not pulling my weight and shortly about to abandon ship. But then we all need a break and some time away. I think the thing I need to do is call him tomorrow and try and do my best to handover to other people that can help him.

Its my 40th Birthday at the weekend. I have a party on the Saturday night and my actual Birthday on the Sunday, after that I am trying to decide what I do for two weeks. I dont just want to mope around the house. I am thinking of travelling upto Scotland and touring around the highlands and west coast as I never been before. I have the time and I have the money. I will be going alone and feel like I am buying the tickets to a midlife crisis and will just come out and say I hope to find myself. Its a bit cliched but I can only do so much soul searching and looking inwards. I need a bit of adventure even if thats a ginsters pasty from some dodgy service station off the A9.

Another thing I wanted to bring up was I am currently pick someone up and drop them off when going to a meeting. We are around the same point in abstinence far as days/weeks etc. We tend to go for a drink after the meeting and its surprising the type of conversations we have. Sometimes its open and honest, I have told them things I havent told anyone else and I feel they have done likewise. Sometimes its awkward and forced.

Well yesterday I went to pick them up as normal and they are usually waiting outside but no sign. Waiting a couple of minutes they came out to say they werent going, did I get the message. I didnt. They are taking part in a weekly commitment which is really good for them but means we wont get to go to the same meeting for a period and they will be attending a different meeting. Realised how much I look forward too and enjoy the conversations we have on the way to the meeting and afterwards as much as the actual meetings themselves. I will also miss the shared love of music and singing along in the car to and from meetings. I will miss my new friend. Maybe I should let them know and reach out to meet outside of the normal structure of the meeting and pickup.

Reaching out sounds like a fine plan Rob. Fear of rejection often stopped me in the past. Always expected others to do the asking. Its a great new skill to practice. Without vulnerability there can be no connection & without connection there is little joy to be found. Take the leap.

Hi Rob, I'm glad that you posted and I agree with all the great advice given. I just wanted to add two things. Please try to see the positive, pro-active things that you are doing...see the good along with the not so good. It's very easy to get bogged down and only notice where you're failing, but actually there are lots of areas in your life (not least attending GA and not gambling) that are hugely positive. I don't mean this in a trite, "think positive" BS kind of way. I mean it in a real, factual this is true kind of way. If you listed on an A4 sheet all the above that you're unhappy about in the "bad" column, my guess would be that you could list just as many things that you are actually doing under the heading "good". Try to balance it out...but really do acknowledge them. And not in a yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah way. You said " I try and counter this and balance it out. Oh I am just making out everything is bad and I am making mountains out of molehills." That's not countering it, or balancing it out. That's just beating yourself up more!

I also wanted to mention your family friend, who is dying. I don't want to push you on this but I just wanted to see if you can identify what's holding you back. I know from personal exereince that a visit like that is never easy, but this is one of those areas in life where there's no do-over. I'd hate for you to leave it too late and regret that decision.

Have a great birthday, and a lovely break away....just don't eat too many pasties 😉

LB x

Hello World

I have hit the big 4 0 today. Had a party last night in the local pub and although I enjoyed it while it was happening the preceeding hours were gut wrenchinginly nervous. I dont know why I was anxious and uneasy about having a room full of friends and family. Am I that uncomfortable in my own skin?? Feel a sense of relief today now thats its all over. I go out for a meal later with family which I am looking forward too, guess thats something I just enjoy more than big parties now.

Some point in the next couple of days I need to plan my trip up north to the highlands along with some of the other more day to day basic things. Planning and action isnt a strong suit for me and I usually end up doing nothing. I have time off at the moment so need to tick at least one of these things off the to-do-list.

Been thinking about some of the questions Dan posted about unmangability. One on shame I would like to share:

A few years ago now while I was living with my girlfriend of the time and my gambling was probably at its more destructive I used to have a friend and work colleague who was also a big gambler. We would goto the bookies everyday in our lunch hour and both do our nuts in. I liked this guy, outside of having the common interest of gambling he was a big hearted fellow who I loved to make laugh.

Things starting turning sour for both of us. For him his mental health started to worsen, resulting in him quitting his job. Me I started losing more and more money, the debts mounted and I was reaching breaking point. All this of course was hidden from my partner and the lies came one after the other to keep my addiction secret.

I got a call from my friend and he was clearly upset. He had just lost the room he was renting and was homeless. Could I help, just for a few nights while he got himself straight. I refused. I remember him begging and crying saying he had no one else to turn too. There was no way I was letting him into the house. No way I was letting the chance of my partner finding out about my gambling, about him letting something slip. You are going to have to sleep the cold instead. I think the excuse I gave him was about losing my home as well and having to move into my partners parents spare room,which was a lie at the time but one that ended up coming true. Yes he had gambling issues himself and alot of the reason he was homeless was not of my making. I still needed to keep my addiction a secret and I still carry guilt and shame about turning my back on my friend in a time of need.

Then I have the shame of losing a home and not been able to provide. I have no idea how I managed to still keep my gambling a secret at this point. The lies must of been constant to give reasons to why all of a sudden we cant afford rent and bills. Both of us now squeezed into a single room at her parents house. All our belongings in a storage unit. The relationship broke down not long after that. That was a real low point. I was a complete failure in life. No home, girlfriend, job and a mountain of debt. Could things get any worse? I dont think I am really holding anyone in suspense by not answering that and leaving it too hang.

Congrats on the big four oh....I passed it a few weeks ago. Was certainly a time for a little introspection and looking back.

Thoroughly enjoying reading through your diary.

Evening Robf & HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🙂

Go you having a celebration...I'm not surprised you were a bag of nerves beforehand, stuff like that is really quite a challenge!

I'm very sorry to hear about your family friend & hope you are not beating yourself up on that front because coping with something like that is difficult for the most self assured of people! You must do what feels right to you, not try & second guess what people think you should do but take the leap if you think of something...There's no point regretting the things we can change but don't!

Also Grrr to your mum gambling 🙁 My mum has gambled all my life, is effectively homeless & will be potless again very soon (after she blows through the rest of an inheritance that I have been holding). Now that I am in recovery, it makes me incredibly sad...Much harder to handle than the anger it used to invoke in me! All we can do is focus on ourselves & getting us better, you know as well as I do, we can't make anyone else accept help!

It hurts now but for what it's worth, I get that you had to turn your back on your friend...Can you find him to apologise? Make amends? I let my incredible Aunt down whilst she was on her death bed & to top it off, argued with my mum about £300 that she had left me...I wish I could go back & undo it, apologise even, anything, I can't but I know she would have forgiven me & I have to take heart from that!

Don't stress future relationships, they will happen if they happen. Keep reaping the rewards of pushing out of your comfort zone & have a lovely holiday - ODAAT

Hello Diary

Sorry for the lack of responses but I have had a combination of "throwing down the roller gates" and a bit of getting out there and trying to live life again. Some adventures have taken me hundreds of miles away and some have been closer to home. Where to start...

After my birthday weekend and having a party I was hoping to load up the car and drive north to bonny Scotland and the wilderness of the highlands. I stalled and stagnated and didn’t get as far as the local shop.

Tuesday comes around and I attend my usual meeting after a couple of on/off conversations with the friend I normally pick up, originally saying I wasn’t going due to my plan of Scotland but rang back saying I have abandoned that plan and would pick them up as normal. After the meeting we go for a drink.

She is a smart cookie and worked out I needed a bit of a prod, all be it massive cattle electrified prod. So a proposition was made, seeing as I am on holiday and neither of us have work in the morning that we just get in the car and drive. I was hesitated and reluctant but after several (massive) nudges I caved and we hit the road.

I have no idea where it is we are going, I ask "which way, left or right?" "Don’t ask me you're driving, your decision." So I head north and keep driving. You see road movies and people doing this and they are filled with excitement but a lot of my feelings were ones of dread and anxiety. Aren’t I supposed to be having fun at this point? Not that I stopped, I would love this to be second nature but the fact is its completely alien, but then change doesn’t come easy. I knew I had to keep going and that ultimately this was a good thing.

The music helped, it always does. We can hit the tunes on the stereo, turn up the volume and sing along. I start to relax a bit and take in the fact I am breaking out of my comfort zone and just maybe something magical might happen. I don’t care how clichГ©d it is but singing this as we crash into the night not quite knowing where we are going or how things are going to turn out was a highlight : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4Mc-NYPHaQ

I have to tell you a bit about my friend, she is as mad as a box of frogs. Someone who grabs life by the horns and tries to squeeze what they can out of life. Not someone I would normally meet or even become friends with but somehow we find our paths crossed via GA. I have gambled for more years than I havent, she has been the opposite and only gambled recently. We both have our problems and are damaged in different ways but I feel we are both lost and lonely and somehow a connection was made.

So after driving for nearly an hour we are the wrong side of midnight for someone just turned 40. We have to find a hotel, we both agree and decide on the hotspot of Harrogate. By this time my phone has died so the aid of the internet has forsaken us so we go for the good old fashioned turn up at the door and demand a room. We see some swank hotel, stop and manage to get a room.

We order wine for the room and spend the rest of the night talking and watching day of the dead on TV. I would love to say at this point I am at complete ease at the whole situation and night but I am not. Not to the point of not enjoying myself but still self-conscious, still worried I am giving off an uneasy feeling and scared of being completely open and being just me. Still I feel something shift a little. I was gifted something by my friend and little did I know at the time that it would set off the other events to follow. To be continued...

f*****g hell Rob i have got some scenarios going through my mind. I'm going to be refreshing every two minutes till part two.

See what you've started Rob lol
Nice to see you in chat
I'm guessing we will have to wait until tommrows episode now

Oh blimey boys !
What till Alan sees this...can just imagine lol : )

I know what your dirty little minds are thinking 😉 we got a twin room. Onwards to part two..

So its the morning after the jailbreak and we decide to goto knaresborough and the castle. After some lousy navigation from me, I have the sense of direction of a deaf bat and continunaly run around in circles. We spent a lovely day wondering the pubs and streets of knaresborough and finally the castle. If you haven't gathered already there is no romance in the air, its a gift of a different kind. Things will hopefully become clearer as I go on.

Again at times I am still edgy. I can struggle alot just making general conversation and feel I have nothing of value to add and tend to go quiet. It would be nice if I was more comfortable with the fact I am not a chatter box, the comfortable silence.

On the journey back home I felt things turn a bit sour. I dont know if it was just my imagination but my friends mood and frame of mind seem to drop. I instantly think this is caused by me as we all know the whole world revolves around me. I guess thats where communcation comes in.

So after dropping them off and heading home I decide to call the next day. Kinda of pre-arranged anyway but found things have certainly gone south in regards to family life at home. Bummed out I spend the rest of the day not quite sure what to say or do. Pattern appearing??

Anyway the day turns into Thursday and the day I should be going to do my next open mic. I chickened out and didnt bother. I tossed and turned on trying to push myself but I just stayed in. At this point I have no holiday planned, no action at all. I have pussied out of the open mic and it looks like I am going to carry on doing the same old s**t I normally do, which is nothing.

But something clicked in the back of my brain. If I just had a look at one night in one hotel in scotland and just booked it I would have to go. After a bit of a browse I found a good value guest house in Fort William. Next thing I know the book now has been clicked. Its now 9:30pm at night and within 30 minutes I have 5 nights booked and planned. The bag is packed and I attempt to get an early night.

Up early in the morning to head up north not quite sure what I am doing or whats going to happen. Worst that can happen is nothing, worst that can happen is I stay in fear and spend my nights on the computer drunk because I am too scared to put myself out there. What you made of Rob?

I will be back later with more.

More suspense than an Hitchcock film and more parts than Back to the Future

Seriously though it's great to see you back posting and I sense a positive outcome.

Hey Rob,

Didn't converse with you a lot in the past but see such an awesome soul in you it's really nice to witness!

Am on a road trip myself today. Stopped to enjoy the scenery & of course a cuppa ;-)..read your posts...hmmm...made me think :-)))

I might be wrong (i tend to be wrong lol) but as far as i see "Rob" - i see this:

https://youtu.be/bqIxCtEveG8

Whatever you do, make the most out of your holiday ☺

S x

Rob I skipped the day off work for part 2 but still none the wiser lol

But good to see your starting to build more confidence and getting out there