The Devils Payroll

"Why let someone in when you can push them away?"...letting someone in opens up the possibility of getting hurt. It makes you vulnerable and less protected. Taking down that wall leaves you exposed. What if they hurt you? What if it doesn't work out? Better to protect yourself than risk the pain. Keep the guard up. That's what you're used to after all. It's what you've always done and it's what you know to do to keep yourself safe. And in all likelihood with good reason. If you're used to hearing that you're worthless (from others or from yourself) why would you believe otherwise? From your posts on here, I view you completely differently though. I don't doubt for one minute that you're valuable, worthwhile...a decent bloke. You don't deserve misery. I think you've had enough of that.

LB x

Thank you Sandra and LB. Had a bad day yesterday, sometimes you get these thoughts and feelings and you cant shake them. I do tend to be prone to periods of self loathing. There is nothing constructive or helpful about them.

Later tonight I meet up with someone I met at last weeks open mic. He is a songwriter and has a mass of songs but little in the way of guitar ability. Agreed to try and help out. Nervous as I dont normally play with other people and tend to keep it solo. I am starting to realise I have social anxiety.These are situations I would avoid in the past which just leads to a less fulfilling life, it also feeds the negativity that I dumped last night. I mean, whats the worse that can happen?

I have been here in some kind of way for the past 5 years. I have started reading through my diary from the start. Its been tough going. I see someone clearly in pain and lost but unable or unwilling to make any kind of change. This post in particular stood out for some reason, I was over a year gamble free but mentally its clear I was in a very bad place. Stopping gambling was never enough, in fact I reckon I was even more unhappy around the period of this post then when I was in action:

"I look around my room and all I see is white. The walls are white, the ceiling, the door and even the floor has a tint of white in the carpet. It feels like I have been here forever even when I have been out of the room. I haven't lived a life. Not even got any gambling stories to tell that might spike a vein. Is it my mind or is it my hell? xx age and nothing to show. A lot of the time I will settle for nothing but now and again we all need a bit of excitement. Thing is I know I am not going to get it even on the odd chance I might say I need it. I am not that way inclined. So I stay in my room and I focus my eyes on the walls and let them go cross eyed. Let the white blur together until all I see are the little black floating things in my eyes against the sharpness of the white in the room. I put my headphones in my ears and listen. Open the wine and drink. I fall asleep with a drink on my bedside table and wake up with half of it still there. This is my life at the moment. Its hard to say if its better than placing a ton bet on a Saturday at times but I choose not to do that. Not sure what else I am going to do. Lost."

I am slowly trying to move out of that room and bring some colour into my life. Sometimes I feel I am doing well, other times i feel I should be doing alot more. But for now I am accept what I am and where I am with my life. For today I love myself more than I used too.

What a moving post. I love the last line. I'm glad I'm here to witnesss your journey and see the colour return. Have faith. LB x

Hi hun yes I agree very moving post so glad your putting some colour back. Stay strong best wishes Lu x

Having a bad day. But thats all it is, a bad day. It might turn into a bad week or maybe longer but it shouldnt derail me but feeling pretty low at the moment.

My actions still trouble me. Currently I am typing from a laptop I stole from work. I have had it for a number of months and have had the money and means to save and buy one myself but choose not too. I justify it by saying I am only loaning it and it will be returned one day.

I have betrayed a friends trust by talking about things I had no right to do. I also feel lousy as I didnt not act as I would of liked after a friend got physically hurt.

Its easy for me to start believing I am no good and worthless when these things happen and sulk in self pity. I am better at not doing that but it feels like a constant battle against myself. I remember feeling the same months ago after doing a pub quiz and wondering if it was a bet or not. I only found peace and all the anixety stopped once I just accepted and stopped the battle. I feel I need to do the same but its a lot harder than the gambling and not sure how I just accept myself, especially when there are parts and actions that are wrong.

Real change is hard and I start to question how much I have really changed and if everything I thought I was doing so well with is just on the surface and nothing more than a spit and shine.

Hi Rob

I can relate to what you say - being hypocritical causes pain.

It probably won't suprise you to learn that I read your post as a values mis-match. Your values are X but a few things happened which are Y. This causes suffering? Guess the obvious answer is to remedy where possible - take the laptop back, maybe speak to your friend.

Is not the fact you are seeing these 'gaps', and expressing yourself, a sign of progress? Addiction and serial avoidance leads to a pretty major divide between who we want to be, and what we actually are. Recognising our gaps seems like a good step towards recovery to me.

Anyway, thanks for a honest post - makes me remember what the point of posting on this place is. Too often I'm treating it as (another) medium through which I can try and appear good. Rather than actually engage in honest and reflective posting.

Cheers

Louis

Change is hard.

I get very lonely at times to the point where it psychically hurts and I can feel it in my chest and down my arms. All I want is someone to love and have that love returned. It feels like I cant say this in the modern era, that we should somehow generate our own happiness and we can live a full meaningful life without a partner. Well I dont want too even if I was able too. I am tired of being on my own. I want to feel the warmth of a body against my own and know they are smiling and happy without even having to open my eyes.

I have joined online dating sites with no success. I still struggle with social interactions both in person and virtual. Friends say give it time, you will meet someone. I am not sure I will unless something shifts and changes. So fearful. I dont think I have ever let anyone in, ever left myself completely vunerable. Anytime I am in a situation that might go wrong I remove myself and retreat. I am trying to change this but its hard. I joined an amateur dramatics group and have a small part in the next play. It fills me with dread and anxiety but feel if cant do even this small thing I will remain stuck in this lonely place of my own making.

In the pub. Not sure why as feeling pretty melancholy. Maybe I just wanted to be near people but sometimes that can make you feel more alone. A song I really love came on the jukebox so I went round and asked a couple of people if they know who put it on hoping I could at least strike some kind of conversation. Apparently no one did and the jukebox just played it randomly. Still searching.

Hi Rob

Good to hear from you. I did online dating when I lived in Hull some time ago. It was the most depressing experience ever and made me feel far more lonely - and it didn't help that the pool was so shallow! Think the online dating thing can be a double edged sword. But then again it works for a lot of couples. It definitely seems important not to take it too seriously.

Fair play for doing the am-dram. Takes some guts to do that and is probably the kind of thing where you get to meet new and interesting folk. I haven't done an open mic for ages. I've had some singing lessons though which I really enjoy. But it's one of those where, the more you learn about singing, the more realise how p1sh you are. So I put off doing the open mic until I'm better, which is sort of a shame.

Sounds like you've made a lot of progress from what I can see - you're very open on here at least which has got to be good. I guess try and work on that in 3d? I sense a lot of what you write in myself.

Maybe a need to 'let go' and stop worrying about what others think? Trust in yourself that you are a good person (you definitely are). Certainly that's my 'thing'. In the absence of a magic switch, all you can do is keep doing the right things in the right direction, which you seem to be doing.

Best wishes for the new year

Louis

Let me elaborate on saying you're definitely a good person...

You give yourself a hard time sometimes over things most people wouldn't give a she'ite about. But that tells me a lot about what you stand for. Perhaps a gap between your values and your actions (excuse the ACT talk )? Hence you doing am-dram etc, keep narrowing the gap.

Hi Louis

Most depressing experience ever?? Was it the online dating or was it the fact you were in Hull 🙂 Online dating is now the no1 way people meet which I don’t really have a problem with. But I still have fantasies of a woman coming up to me in person and introducing/chatting me up. I guess that’s a natural thing, everyone wants to feel desired. To be honest I struggle to really commit to making the effort and doing a good profile. I tend to write a few things in my profile, leave it for a couple of weeks then pull it down. Crying that no one has taken an interest and contacted me.

The Am-Dram is going well. I started a few months ago, dropped off as I wasn't really involved or decided to not involve myself but was coaxed back into it by the director. We are four weeks off show time and had a three-hour rehearsal this afternoon which ended up being a lot of fun although I was very nervous beforehand. I have a small talking part with about 9 lines which to be honest is about perfect. I can feel like I am part of the show but it’s not too overwhelming. I am also starting to enjoy the social aspect and have already been invited on a night out.

I am still doing the open mics. The local pub has one every Thursday which I usually attend so I have got a few performances under my belt now (I am well into double figures!). I still see it as an exercise of just doing the act rather than something I am good at or even confident about, although the confidence is growing (the act comes before the confidence!). In some ways, its feeling safe now. I know the place and people who normally attend, which to be honest can be in single figures at times. So, it’s a nice environment to test new song etc. but I don’t really get any kind of buzz anymore as there is no jeopardy. Think I need to incorporate it into another open mic session that’s a bit busier and more involved. There are plenty about in the area.

I think its great you are taking singing lessons, learning something is always going to benefit you but if its in accordance with your values even better. I would say maybe you need to just focus on doing the act rather than how good you are at it? You naturally get better regardless of your singing ability. I think an important factor is just performing and getting that bit of swagger. Have fun with it, be brave and take a chance.

Thank you. Thank you for the post, as always I find them insightful and supportive. Its always nice to hear you are a good person. I am starting to come around to the idea that I am OK and not bulk or roll my eyes. I can say with certainly you are a good person. I really do get a lot from your diary and posts. Take care Louis.

What are all these things and which one is the odd one out?

1. I first fell in love when I was 19.
2. I am happy.
3. I remember a time when I felt alive.
4. I always stand up for myself.
5. I show my family and friends that I love them.
6. I am not a compulsive gambler.
7. I take life too seriously.
8. I miss no one.
9. I have never stolen from anyone.
10.I tried to kill myself.

Hi Robf

Wanted to reply last week just didn't know what to say.
Still don't know what yo say but wanted you to know that i relate to a lot of what you say.
Things however doesn't have to stay the same, you're more than capable of different life, but please keep believing in yourself as everything takes time.

You have a lot to offer to the world and i for one can't wait to celebrate your successes and smiles with you!
You're great soul and I'm sure you will aknowledge this yourself shortly ☺

Stay well & safe...just for today

S x