The Devils Payroll

Thanks Sandra. I am OK for now.

To the question above.I take life too seriously. The rest are lies.

Some good and bad news.

Bad news I recently lost a childhood friend to cancer. They passed away last Saturday. Its been strange trying to get my head around it. They were only a year older than me. For a long time I forgot all about the times and experiences we had together. It feels like I have to try hard to remember our time together. But then on the Saturday night when I was talking with his parents alot of memories came flooding back. It felt like a relief in a way, that I am still human and that I had a relationship with this person all be it many years ago (we lost touch in recent years) and that it meant something. I am actually closer with his father in recent years so its been hard trying to be there for them.

Still I feel guilty for not being more of a presense in there life as he was someone who always had my back. I remember at school when I used to get bullied he was the only person who would stand up for me and defend me. That carried on in later life as well. Its easy to get sentiment in the way of how someone really was but ultimately he was a kind and good hearted person. I also know my friend had a gambling problem, im not sure I could class him as compulsive but then the line is a grey one at best. I heard about it more than I saw it, I remember having conversations with his dad about and thinking I should reach out, tell him its ok I know his pain. Its still a guilt I have now about my mum and her gambling. Something I rarely talk about.
In some ways I feel bad talking like I have, like I am making his death about me. I dont like that.

Onto good news and I have been in the thick of rehearsals and about to start a three night run of a play in an actual theatre. Its been a challenge to get myself to this point. I wanted to quit a number of times. A realisation that I have made progress. One in that I wouldnt of even put myself in this position this time last year, and 2 if I did I would of bailed and ran away.
The past three nights and the rehearsals in the actual theatre have been great fun and I have gone from being super nervous to just nervous and the thought that I can do this and actually enjoy it. I am still nervous and sure soon as I get to the theatre I will be bricking it but I know I will do it anyway. That in its self feels great. That I know I am capable of more if I just push myself.

I also think recently I have got a bit down and depressed and I think its because I have put too much pressure on myself to change. Just because I have decided things arent right and I want to change them doesn't mean it will all just happen at the click on my fingers.

Its still very early for me. I am only 10 months into my abstinence. Change isnt easy. This all takes time. I keep trying to practice patience and say that it doesnt matter how much you change, or how fast you change just that you commit to making one change. That one change can have a ripple effect and start other change.

Hi Rob,

Firstly so sorry to hear about your friend...may his soul rests in peace. Keep good memories close by & his spirit will never leave you ☺

Thank you for your post and you're spot on - don't have to be alone to feel lonely. This is pure true!
Atm am more than happy in my own space! Lol..what a turnaround in a space of two hours! Chomping on M&M's and watching Mr Ramsey...HD!!!

Sorry if sounded like i judge anyone for going cinema by themselves. I guess i would like to do that, but am still anxious of "what others would think". Must just go for it! (Deffo not now as the only movie going this weekend is 50 shades darker lol..so no..thanks but rather not haha)

You're also right. If i would accept friendships i wouldn't be on my own. Some of them drifted off as paths in life took different directions, some of them was finished on a arguments, some of them...well...i guess it was me walking away with less & less communication until it dissapeared completely 🙁

I hardly make friends at work. I cannot say i am a b****h in this place (my role sometimes puts me in a position as the enemy of employees with my continued nagging ....but it's my job lol) & am a lot calmer and tolerant if i may say....still...there is something i am trying to keep separate..work is work, personal life is personal life. I don't let anyone close by...hmmm..maybe that's the character trait i need to work on too!!!..

Yes! Rooms are truly helpful and so many different characters in them...but all with the same goal and understanding ☺. I shall make my way round them tommorow & if feel like struggling with addictions in the mean time, i shall phone someone up...as i was told in one of the meetings. " we are your friends so why you don't use us for the purpose...ring at any time, don't hesitate"...at the time i thought friends are not here to be used but now it has another tone to these words.

Anyway..hope you're ok ☺

How is life treating you?

S x

Ps. Change comes in such little and unrecognisable forms, we can hardly notice it...however...it is happening with every single day ☺..we have a lifetime, no rush...one day at a time will do 😉

Be proud - you're doing it!

Howdy Diary

My how time flies. it’s been busy as usual in my life. Lots happening. Some updates then.

Still gamble free and hit the year milestone back on 5th April. I have done a year gamble free before but this time it feels different. Before I was just abstaining and not doing anything else. This time I have taken real action to make my life a much more positive and exciting experience.

The theatre run back in February was a real challenge. I enjoyed most it but it’s the most I have ever been pushed out of my comfort zone. The rehearsals for the show were great, a lot of fun but the actual event brought a lot of fear and self-doubt. So, the actual event I messed up quite a lot. First night I missed my ques and felt like I let people down. Second night went the best, I didn’t miss anything although the music came in too soon but managed to ride it out. Third night I didn’t miss any lines or ques, just felt I didn’t really do myself justice.

One thing I have come to realise is you can’t get rid of fear, you can only remove the avoidance of it. I think it’s the avoidance that caused me to stop living my life and run to my gambling escape. Its ok to try and fail, to mess up. I can’t be perfect and I will make mistakes. I would rather try and fail now then not at all.

So, upwards and onwards for me. I am still doing my open mic nights and doing a couple a week now. it’s true that the act comes before the confidence. I am starting to pick up a lot with my confidence. To the point now where I enjoy the butterfly/nervous feeling I get before I perform. Not only that but I actively seek it out and if I don’t get that nervous energy I feel like I am just going through the motions.

I have also joined a ukulele club and started to learn how to play. This has been fun and allowed me to meet new people and work on my social skills. This Sunday we will be playing our first gig at a food festival.

Next month I will also be doing a charity event that involves me trying my hand at standup comedy. I get a full weekend training then do a 5-minute set on the last night with a bunch of other volunteers. These have all been great measures to building up my recovery and removing myself from the old life I used to lead while gambling. Every push in this new positive direction is a step away from returning to old destructive ways.

Personal life has been upside down as well. I have talked previous about my mum and her gambling problem. Well I finally confronted her a couple of months ago and it all came out. The amounts etc. she was gambling and that she does have a problem. She started going to GA meetings with me for a while but doesn't go if I don’t. It’s been hard. I don’t think she is done with it in a way, she talks about how she misses going to the bingo. I had a lot of guilt about not helping my mum, or more specifically not trying to help. I don’t think I was in a strong enough place myself to deal with all the emotional turmoil that followed confronting her. My dad still doesn’t understand why my mum did what she did, which was steal my dad’s pension and use it for gambling. There was a couple of day period when I thought that was it, there marriage was over. My dad said things would never be the same but didn’t know what to do as leaving wasn’t an option.

Move forward a few weeks and things seem better on the surface. Blocks are in place for my mum and money is starting to return. I am not sure there is the realization that this is an emotional problem, not a financial one.

Through all this I have still been attending GA which has been the corner stone of recovery. I have the opiton at the moment of becoming the new secterary of one of the meetings I attend due to someone standing down. I did think about it for awhile as I did put my hand up to say I was interested, which I was the only one of. So far I given myself excuses to why I cant do it, I am moving soon so I cant commit. I do hope to be moving soon but I could still take over for the few months period. Another reason was I didnt want to attend the same meeting as my mum but this is less of an issue as she has stopped going. That sounds selfish which it is I guess.

Oh on another positive note, I had my first date in a decade a couple of weeks ago. Nothing came of it but the fact I managed to arrange, attend and actually spend time with a member of the opposite s*x without running and screaming from the room, or them doing likewise is progress. No further meet ups but it was a good experience, I am still swiping away.

Strange reading all that back and realising I have done alot in the past few months. around my year mark I got really down, that I wasn't doing enough or making enough progress. That I needed to be more active at GA, start working the steps (or letting the steps work me as one old GA hand always tells me). Whatever I am doing seems to be working for me. I can still at any given moment rack up a massive list of whats wrong with me and what I should be doing and how I should be acting. But overall I am in a positive place at the moment.

Alot of that is down to GA but also through the help of a friend I met via GA last year. This person has been an constant inspiration for me. They are struggling at the moment I am trying my best to help them in return, its fair to say I wouldnt be where I am now without them. A friends daughter wrote a letter after a GA unity meeting awhile ago. It was after I talked about my mum gambling and how I felt helpless. You cant take peoples problems on for them, you can be supportive but you cant do it for them. It was more elegant and poetic than that but I look at it often at the moment.

Hi rob

What a genuinely inspirational post to read this morning.

Am pleased for you. You've not been shy of stating your troubles (rightly!) so your successes reads all the sweeter.

Great stuff. 'The act comes before the confidence'. Amen bro

Great that you're getting out there and doing stuff and connecting with friends and family. That's what it's all about right? Doesn't mean it's plain sailing but you're 'out there' rather than hiding, which is all you can ask.

Louis

Hai Rob, I did read this post the other day and went hand in hand with the nice sun I saw outside my bedroom window as I got out of the pit.

I remember saying some years back on this diary that I got something out of your thoughts and the only thing that's changed since then is my new buzz word of the ' kerchinggs ' you've picked up enroute....

We will eventually get this beer but for now adios amigo

Hi stranger

My initial thought, in response to your recent direct posting style was 'hope you're ok, this seems somewhat out of character'.

But on reflection your bang on. A good friend of mine recently lost his dad, 2 grandmothers and his mum had a heart attack. All in the space of 3 months. Brutal stuff.

But he's somehow emerged with greater clarity, openness and directness. When on the receiving end I might wince -but I soon appreciate it. The overall package is highly engaging, sincere and a nice person to be around. Less dead time, If that makes sense.

Look forward to yr next update.

Louis

Hi diary,
Its been awhile. Still gamble free but had some rough months and feel like i am finally climbing out of my pit of self pity.

A couple of saturdays ago I went to a comedy improv beginners session. It was fun but something I noticed on the train there. I had alot less anxiety and fear about it, I was still nervy but not like I would if been two years ago. Progress of sorts.

The other main thing from that weekend was i met someone. We went the pub after the session and we ended up being the only two left and spent a good few hours talking. Ahh this is that click/connection thing people talk about. Neither of us we shy about talking about the supposed bad stuff in life and i told her i was a compulsive gambler, not in any kind of show off way nor did I feel any need too, it just came out naturally.

We have met twice since and i will be seeing her again tomorrow. It doesnt seem to bother her, i guess there are worse things in life. She knows i attend GA and that either tuesday/wednesday evenings are mine.

The thing thats bothering me though is something thats been a problem my whole life. One i normally dont talk about to anyone out of shame.

I am scared of intimacy, or to be more straightforward of s*x but there are emotional fears as well as psychical. I have never let anyone close because of this and spent most my life not experiencing the normal relationships you would expect. To give you an idea i didnt lose my virginity until I was 40. Thats right I am a real life steve carell.

I am scared of getting close and things progressing and her wanting things to get more physical which i am emotionally unable to do at the moment. For a long time ive just not bothered with s*x, i suppose it helps that i have a very low s*x drive and dont find women (or men for that matter) sexually attractive. I have thought if i am asexual, i do seem to fit the description.

I really fight against the idea of that, i want to be able to have a relationship and be intimate but the idea of s*x just terrifys me. Any kind of sexual situation i have been in i have stopped and been glad i dont have to continue but enjoy the cuddling in bed and talking afterwards.

I have decided to get help. Ive been tested for hormone levels at the doctors and everything has come back normal. Pretty much confirms its in my head rather than low testosterone.

So i have started seeing a 'professional'. I have done quite a far amount of research to find the right person and believe i have. I have seen them twice and exchanged a number of emails. So far we have been going slow so everything has been clothed and more a focus on my fears, preconceptions, anixities and working on relaxation and changing unhealthy thoughts and actions.

She has put right thought into the sessions, gone to the trouble of recording parts of the sessions around meditation so i can listen back like a guided meditation,to giving me a book (women's anatomy of arousal) to youtube videos (betty martin wheel of consent and 3 minute game).

So hopefully thus is a start of a new adventure. What has this got to do with gambling and this forum? Im not this way because i gamble, i gamble because of these fears. If i no longer want gambling in my life then i can either bury this and not say anything or hold it into the light.

Hey Robf,

Not sure how I missed your update but I did. My biggest Well done on sharing what must of been so difficult to you, but in the tone you write it's so clear to see how far you have come and how strong you are to face your life head on! Again - WELL DONE!

Intimacy is tricky one and I guess for more people than we would think. I am falling in this category of struggle. Holding hands with someone doesn't come naturally, not even mentioning other stuff. Many times I've been called "cold person" because of that. I never truly looked deeper into this but your honest post did tick many boxes of how I feel.

I am just very proud of you.

Keep reaching for the life you so deserve. Most of the times, the biggest blocks humans have are our heads. It all starts there and I am glad to see that you're figuring it all out with support by your side.

Wish you well & hope to see an update soon with hopefully wedding bells ringing in the background 😉

All the best!

S&B xx

Thank you S. I know you get where I am coming from in regards to intimacy so your post means alot x So i have to admit a kinda of lie in the last post. I have been drafting it for a while and i actually already saw the women i had been seeing. Decided to not see them anymore. A combination of pushing them away with knowing they had too many issues for me to get involved. I feel bad about that as they are a good person but i cant be a big emotional support to someone else who has a very messy background. We are all damaged in some way and in some ways we can bond and indentify over that but i can barely prop myself up at the moment. Everything ended amicably and to be honest there was a big sigh of relief from me. I am not sure where i go from here. I cancelled the sessions i had booked with K. I have been comfort eating and drinking. I feel myself slipping into self destruct mode. Drink, eat, sleep, drink eat sleep. The cycle continues but i just choose not too do it with gambling.

Good Captain
Be still
You must feel
how the heart is broken
Before it can heal

Not in a good place at the moment. One of my many character flaws is when i am down and feeling bad I will lash out at others. I will be rude and just basically a giant a******e. Work situation is difficult at the moment but i make it ten times worse by purposely being rubbish, being hours late into work, not replying to emails, avoiding people and not meeting deadlines. I am comfort eating and put on three stone in weight in the last 6 months. Ive been close to placing a bet twice in the last week. My self esteem and self worth are in the toilet. In some perverse way i enjoy it, i heard someone say some people are happy being sad. I chuckled at that one.

Hi Robf,

i am the same as you, I am also in a bad place and we feel rubbish about ourselves and don't look after ourselves. Hopefully this S****y phase will pass for both of us soon.

You are comfort eating and I am not eating at all, suppose that is what we do when we are having troubles.

All the best hope you feel better soon.

Wilsy

Hello Rob,

I’ve somehow missed your entries, so a quick post as I have a break.

Thinking Bojack has had a temporary fall as you know it gets easier but in fits and troughs, I think at present that your presently going on that rollercoaster as you make another break through. I do get where you are at the moment and as hard and pointless it may feel but this is when you really need to keep turning up to make the break through I’ve just mentioned. As Woody would say 80% of success is just turning up

‘ Some people are happy being sad ‘ , I agree with that but it’s morw of familiarity and a kinda safeness we feel in time of despair or the rollercoaster, let it roll and feel it, it’s hard I know and you know as well but when you get through this present storm the waters return to calm and if anything the cycle gets bored of the calm. Bizarre isn’t it, but it’s also our interpretation of living..... I guess !!

Paul

Thank you Wilsy and Paul.

Just about keeping my head above water, no gambling but been close again. I talked about my gambling last Friday at work with my work mates, they all know I am a compulsive gambler. I talked as if I was still active, talking fondly about big wins and what a buzz it was, I never said how much money I lost or how deseperate and empty my life had become. I guess everyone is different but it was easy at the start for me, its got harder and the last few months especially have been tough in that I am still living as if I am gambling in how I live,spend, eat and drink.

One thing out of this is I am starting to realise how unwell I am and how much I need help. I am still going GA but not really getting the most out of it, I haven't talked of how I have struggled in the past weeks. Not worked anything else like Just for Today. Maybe I should give it a go, maybe its easier than what I am doing now.